Hi everyone,

Actually, I am at my wit's end on this little problem I have and I currently have no one to talk to.

Does anyone here know how to speak to a teenager without it all going 'kaboom' in your face? Actually, I have to speak to my cousin on a very serious matter and the thing is, I have no idea how to speak to her about it. Actually, she tends to bite my head off when I speak to her about normail stuff, so I want to know, it is possible to speak to a teen and not end up in a shouting match?

My cousin's about 19 or 20, by the way.

I do hope someone here will be able to help me.

Truly, how things go depends on your relationship with her. However, if it is serious, I would just be straight with her. Do you two ever go out together. you could do something like that to lighten things up a bit. Kids that age can be very unpredictable.

19 or 20 to me seems right in the age range to be hearing information straight up without any candy coating. Don't let her bite your head off. If she tries to, try to express how important what you are trying to tell her is. Sometimes if you just blurt it, it will shut off the instant fight if the info is shocking enough.

As being that age myself (19), I would try to not approach her in a parent or adult figure fashion. Being 19-20, I don't think being described as a "teen" is even right. At this age, I'd say its more of the line between adulthood and being a teen. So, I sugguest try to talk to her like a friend, or a confidon. But don't jump right in and address the problem, take time and initiate small talk, and then slowly move toward what you want to say to her. I think she'll take you more seriously if you treat her as a friend, and not a teen.

I hope this helps!

I dont think the issue with this one sounds like its coming from her age, more about her personality. If you are trying to talk to her and are not being accusitory, then there isn't really any reason for her to go on the deffensive, and if it is, then it suggests that she feels the need to protect herself from you (and possibly everyone else) for some reason. Maybe growing up she got blamed for a lot, or perhaps she feels like people just never listen to her, or maybe she's feeling guilty about something... my point is that there very well may be no way around her getting loud and shouting. Just dont start returning the favor. if she starts in then get up and walk away. if she follows or asks where you are going then just inform her that you thought she was an adult and that she could handle this conversation, and you see now that you were wrong. Otherwise just calmly endure. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

As a former delinquent, the way you should handle this also depends on the subject you are speaking about. At the age of 19 or 20, most of us still think we are indestructible and that we know everything. Please be prepared for what you are saying to fall on deaf ears, and make sure you calmly tell her that when the shit hits the fan, that she will always be able to come to you for support.

As far as the actual conversation, don't yell, don't bait, and no snippy comebacks (which is really hard in the heat of the moment when you are dealing with someone who is unreasonable). Basically what Moxy said above. However, I disagree with Moxy on one point, don't state that you thought they were an adult, etc - my mom used to try that and it never turned out well.

Good luck!

-SS

Remember that you were once her age. Think about how she was raised and what she had to deal with growing up in her family. Let her explain her take on the situation. If it is a delicate issue, strike up a casual conversation with her and perhaps lead her to be the first to bring up the topic--make her think it was her idea to talk about it and to get our opinion on the matter. Sorta like the episode 162 of Inuyasha "Forever with Lord Sesshoumaru", Rin wants to leave with Sesshoumaru but the Monk says she would be better off with her own kind. Rin asks Sesshoumaru and he says "Do as you will" and she ends up following him.

Hope everything turns out alright.

Thank you Kerii, MomoDesu, Gabrielle, MoxyMikki, Sovereign State, and gen'ei honsho, for your heartfelt and generous advice.

I guess that I must apologize to Gabrielle: yes, I do agree with you, when one is 19 or 20, I guess you can't be considered a teen anymore. You are an adult, well getting there. Then again, I know some 40 year olds that are still trying to get there!

Thank you everyone, again, for your advice. I do usually try the soft and calm approach, but usually, she bites my head off.

Yes, I do think taking her out and perhaps talking over a cup of tea or coffee and ice-cream sounds good. After all, how can you get angry over ice cream, right? And thank you all for reminding me about her background. That has really made me think about how I should begin talking to her.

Now to answer a question.

About what I have to talk to her about, yes it is very important and I hope it will help her change her ways for the better, before its too late and she learns the lesson of life the hard way. I just hope that she will be able to listen to my words and reflect on them.


I too hope that everything will turn out well.

Again, thank you so much, everyone for your advice.

Unfortunately, you can give all of the good advice in the world and if she thinks that she knows better, then all that wonderful advice you have given will be ignored, if not laughed at. When I was 19, I was eager to get out of my parent's house and when I announced that I was getting married to a guy I hardly knew (long story), my father simply held up his hands and said for me to do what I wanted to do and because of it, I spent nearly 9 years in hell. I've got three boys out of it and discovered fan fiction, but the price I paid was horrible. Though, the lessons that I learned were and still are, valuable. Sometimes, younger adults have to do stupid things in order to learn those lessons and that is why they are called, "Life Lessons."

Also, when she starts yell, all you need to do is walk away. You are older and don't need to resort to it. Believe me, she will one day come to you and wonder why she didn't listen to you when you tried to warn her. My mother still pulls that one with me.

Hey advi


19 or 20 year olds aren't teenagers anymore, as mentioned before from other dokugians. Just like how two fingerprints can never be a match, no person or teen would act the same way if you need to tell them something that might make them re-evaluate their current lifestyle.

Being 20 myself, I find that I can take information much easier than my peers. Mainly because of experience, and past life events. Having to support my family at 17 and juggling school has opened my mind to a lot of things. And that one thing is, chances are 75% of the time is the reaction you're hoping to get. For example, don't mind me dabbling on these-- I know I'm not sure what you have to talk to your cousin about but these could be possibilities.

If about illegal substances, many peers around 19-20 have either the "I know but I really don't care or want to change" attitude where they might throw a tantrum and ignore you for either a long time or a day. The second way "I understand, thank you for telling me and I will try to change" attitude where they will try to change and if it doesn't appeal to them or it is too hard, they will relapse. Again, I'm not 100% on anything, but from personal experience... these are my hypothesis(s).

If about pregnancy/sexual relations, well that is something I am less than sure about, so I wouldn't want to say anything about that.


Hey, it might even be the other way around, that you have troubles and want to talk to her about it. I don't know for sure, and will not dabble in. But bottom line, talking about very sensitive issues DO take not sugar coating, but some thought before saying it. After all, you can sugar coat something you say to even a middle aged person and they will still get offended. Because it's not the age that influences the reactions of humans, it's the environment they grew up in and how they've been taking their lives up until this point.


Best wishes to you advi! This little Misera hopes it all goes well!