Hey I'm very new to fanfiction writing and for my first story I wanted it to be something canon with my own character added. I wanted it to be a sess/kag story eventually, but it focuses on his past with a woman of my creation. I was wondering if anyone liked this character or could see her in your mind when I describe her. I need strict criticism I can take it okay. I posted it in fanfiction originally but apparently its against the rules. My apologies WiccanMethuselah

Hey Just read your document. I like the originality you breathe into this character, cause as you said it also helps with the plot and move it in a slightly different but unique direction. I don't wanna give spoilers for those who choose not to read your character description and only go off what I say personally. Just know that the ideas you have created and this new character is wonderful, and I support your ideas %100.

Not bad. She is a decent character but I think you need to flesh her out more. There really is nothing special about Rehema except that she's Egyptian. You hint at her being a hanyou, but it's never explicitly stated. Merely suggested.

I question therefore the validity of her being Sesshoumaru's lover.

Sesshy has a very difficult relationship with Inuyasha. A hanyou. I doubt therefore that he would readily take a hanyou as a lover, regardless of gender, if he has a hangup over his half-brother being a half-breed.

I'm not convinced.

Also you mention nothing about Rehema's parents, or if she has any siblings. Her family background is actually more important than trying to establish her as being in a relationship with Sesshoumaru. Is she a loner? Who raised her? Was she born in Egypt etc?

The family background would help to establish how she managed to gain possession of the 'Ankh' too. Was it inherited? Did she steal it? Was it given to her?

Also I always find it incredibly difficult to accept original characters if they are 'subbed' into the canon plot. I.e - Rehema knew Totosai before the Inu Taisho... that she had research and a magical artifact aka the Ankh that was the root of Tenseiga's power.

I can't buy it. It's not convincing enough because to me youkai like the Inu Taisho are old... very old... and likely very powerful. Rehema is only 500 years old. She can't have known Totosai before the Inu Taisho. She's just too young.

She's also from Egypt, half-way around the world. Her family aka the youkai side might have ties to Japan i.e. merchant or economic, but I doubt that she personally knew Totosai before the Inu Taisho did. He is the equivalent of youkai royalty and would therefore as part of the sphere of his social and political influence have had ties for hundreds of years to youkai like Totosai. Specialists in their fields i.e. in weapons-crafting or youkai smithing.

Also canonically the Inu Taisho had both Tenseiga and Tetsusaiga commissioned without any additional assistance from anyone other than Totosai. So Rehema's presence seems odd here.

The same could also be said for her helping Sesshy with Bakusaiga. He created that sword on his own, again, without assistance.

It feels more as if you're trying to justify Rehema's existence instead of building a background for her. As if she's tacked onto Sesshy for example like a third-wheel in canonical events like Tenseiga's forging.

It's the main mistake that many make when creating an original character. Author's change canon to suit their needs. It does the OC a disservice, simply because that OC will always be defined (and therefore limited) by the actions/decisions of the canon character they're tied too. Rehema for example would grow inside a box with boundaries decided by her ties to Sesshoumaru, rather than being able to be developed on her own as a separate entity.

Canon is limiting, but imagination is not.

I think fleshing out her background more. Thinking about her family, her parents, etc, will help to make Rehema as a character more believable. Also I think you need this in order to make her convincing enough to be in a relationship with Sesshoumaru. It is one thing to say she's his lover. It's another thing to be able to prove it to readers for them to accept it too.

You've started off well. Rehema has a good base, but she needs to be more than a handful of scattered ideas.

Tie her together. Give her a background. Flesh her out. Give her bones and meat. Make her someone a reader will sit up and take notice of. Not because of her what she is, but because of who she is.

~ Pyre

Thank you that's the crtisim I needed not being spared my feelings. Actually I had an idea for the type of demon she was, but making her half demon might make more sense. Basically though the idea is that sesshomarus royalty parents disapproved of their son's relationship with Rehema for being a gaigin and a half demon. The idea is that inu no taisho was a hypocrite for being against sesshomarus choice, and later on having inuyasha with izayoi. This would lead sesshomaru to be towards inuyasha what his father was towards Rehema. I was trying to limit everything to give possible surprises, but now I feel I should explain more.
Rehema's father is a higher up demon in her society and refused to care for her himself after her mother (who I will make human) died. He was of course ashamed that he made something like her and passed her off to someone I will describe later.
Her mother I will make like her in ways, was researching ancient artifacts from her country and her mother discovered it from her research. Before her death her mother gave it to her along with the information behind it and it was her death that made her want to study the ankh and figure out how to bring the dead back to life.

No, you've actually just done it, and brilliantly so. Your post in reply to mine was exactly what Rehema needed. It was flesh, and blood, and bone to make her more than just Sesshy's potential love interest.

You've now given me enough information without giving anything away, which makes me want to take notice and think 'Wow, now that's an interesting OC'.

Before Rehema was flat and two-dimensional. Now with that little bit of extra thought, she's become something bordering on fascinating, since her mother being human, now makes me think:

'Oh, she might have been a researcher - an archeologist' and stuff like 'Oh, I wonder if she researched stuff on the Pharoahs' or 'If she could read hieroglyphics' and so forth.

It opens up a whole new world for Rehema to be part of.

I think when I first read your initial ideas for the character that the idea of her was too focused on 'Egypt' and 'Sessy's lover', so I couldn't grasp what made Rehema special as a character.

I mainly wanted to convey the point that 'Hey Rehema is from Egypt' shouldn't she be somehow involved or knowledgable about all of that wonderful old-world stuff like the Pyramids, the Sphinx, etc?'

If she's hanyou too than it just makes more sense. It would be like tying her to the history of Egypt, but being able to give her an additional boost by saying that she ties to the mystical part too, being youkai or part youkai.

Inuyasha for example (like Rehema if you make her hanyou) is tied to the human world because of his mother, Izayoi, but also the mythical lore of Japan, because of his father the Inu Taisho.

It does more than make Inuyasha special.

It makes him unique, along with all of the 'baggage' his parentage gives him too.

Characters are remembered more for their flaws and imperfections, than their triumphs, because it makes them more relatable, more human, and more understandable.

~ Pyre