I like the over all idea and think it's great that you decided to work on making it into a fanfic. My stories... tend to die out after the idea sticks with me. I start writting, decide I don't enjoy where it's going and then redo everything over again. As I am not trying to be rude in anyway I will say that there are a few gramatical errors. A few of your sentences are fragments so you may want ot work on fixing those up; it will help your story flow smoothly. Also most of the actions as I have noticed aren't clearly deifned to who is carrying them out. Try to incorperate simple possessive pronouns in there to better acknowledge who is doing what. Again I am not trying to put any of this down, I'm simply trying to pin point a few things that could allow the story to flow better. Thank you for your time and the good read, I hope you continue to work on this story as it has definately piqued my interest and I hope to read more.
