I love this one from Kanna37's Fetch:
The only reason he was even there was because she'd thrown the universally understood 'if you ever want to get laid again' look at him.

All males understood that look instinctively - and knew not to fight it.

It never ended well for those who did.

WiccanMethuselah wrote:
From my new favorite crack!fic, Mokomoko Plus Miko:

Sesshoumaru stood up, wiped the blood from his lips, and answered, "I do not spoon."

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

Srsly. I can't quit laughing and I'm s'posed to be QUIET right now.

~~Wiccan~~

And it's because of this line that I will now be off to read Mokomoko Plus Miko. (scurries away)

I would also like to add one from lady_myth's "Dirty Laundry leads to..."
It's a short converstation between Kagome and Sango.


“I’m fine! I swear! If I need help I’ll scream bloody murder or—” Kagome’s hands began to glow a soft peach color, “—zap, zap like I usually do.”

“Zap zap?”

“Shut up! Or I’ll zap zap you!”

Definitely one of my favorite lines of all time...

Warning, kinda.. long. XD

From the story Hallowed Desire by Demonlordlover:

He gave a short nod. “Now, you will explain what you meant by it being ‘that time of the month.’” Even if the detour in conversation had proven fruitful, he wanted to get back to her original concern.

Reminded of her coming chore, Kagome groaned. “I have to balance my checkbook.”

Of all the things she could have said, that was not what he was expecting. “Balance your checkbook.” All the sighs and groans for that simple endeavor?

She pouted. “I’m not exactly algebraically gifted, if you take my meaning, Sesshoumaru. Add to that the fact that I hate going through all the receipts and check stubs. I put it off as long as I can, but every month I make sure to tally up everything so I don’t overspend.”

Appalled, Sesshoumaru closed his eyes briefly. He took a deep breath, then turned incredulous eyes on her slumped figure. “You do not keep track of your finances but once a month?”

“I know, I know. The thing is, stuff just gets piled up. I get too busy to bother with it.” She offered a bright, hopeful smile. “Today is the day that I have marked off to do it. And, it just so happens that there is a financial guru right here before me.”

He wryly noted, “I assume you are speaking of myself.”

“Please?” she begged. “It takes me forever and a day to get through it. I’m not asking you to do all the work. I’ll go through all the receipts and give you the numbers. I just need help tallying everything up and making sure I haven’t made any mistakes.”

Unable to resist, the impulse to delve into her financial affairs as thoroughly as he was her life impossible to quell, Sesshoumaru nodded. Kagome squealed in thanks and jumped up to retrieve her purse from the kitchen table. When she returned, she kneeled by his feet and upended the contents of the satchel on the coffee table. Under his watchful eye, she began to sort through the various bits of paper to find the receipts.

“You keep your receipts in your purse,” he stated blandly after running a hand over his eyes at the sight of the growing pile of small squares of white paper.

Kagome paused, looking over her shoulder at the resigned words. “Of course. Where else would I keep them?”

“A folder, in a filing cabinet, preferably with a lock, perchance?” came his sardonic reply.

“Pshaw.” She waved a hand dismissively before turning back to her task. “I don’t have the room for a filing cabinet. Besides, isn’t that going overboard just for some receipts?”

Talking to the back of her head, Sesshoumaru’s irritated glare had no affect. “What of your important papers? Birth certificate, banking statements, others of that nature?” Half of him dreaded the answer, while the other half leaned forward in semi-anticipation of her off-the-wall comment.

He was not disappointed.

She didn‘t even pause in the act of tossing an empty gum wrapper into the discard pile. “Oh, I keep those in the freezer along with the credit cards.”

“The freezer.”

Something in his voice must have given her pause, because Kagome swiveled her head around in time to catch his sour expression. “Yeah. I read somewhere that thieves never think to look in the freezer. It’s okay, because I’ve got the corn and sausages on top of it. Kinda like a disguise, you know? Blending into the surroundings and all that.”

Well, the first one is a I/K story, but still funny as all get out. The second is a S/K.

Kagome held up the picture to the camera and stuffed it into an envelope. "See?" she said after licking the envelope closed. "I admit that you have a sense of humor. Dark humor, but that's okay."

"Thank you for the compliment, Ms. Higurashi."

"You're welcome, Naraku." Kagome shoved the envelope through the slot in the door. "It's a picture of an apple."

"Yes, I saw."

Kagome smiled. "I wanted you to have a fond remembrance of when you offered the apple to Eve."

Hearing that, Inuyasha stuffed a fist in his mouth in an attempt not to laugh. Her ability to curse was becoming legendary.

Trapped - moonsilver (google it and you can find it. it is not on ff.net)

------------------------------------------------------

Kagome didn’t answer. She slowly but surely turned to Souta, whose mouth hung open while his fork lay forgotten on his plate. She carefully examined him and said, “Are you gonna tell me you’re secretly an evil boy genius?”

He met her eyes. “I’m failing science.”

Bad Company - ShadowBluebell

One of my favorites!
This is Coffee Shop Girl by Akay


Inuyasha sat up on the couch and met Sesshomaru's eyes. "Hey big bro, how you been?"

He looked at his sibling, but didn't answer. Kagome came from out of her room and looked at him. "Oh, you made it."

"Indeed." He answered while watching as the little girl went back to playing the game with Shippo. "What have you and Rin decided upon?"
He watched Kagome walking around picking up some stray items of Rin's before answering. "Origami lessons." He arched a brow at her, but she didn't see it for her back was turned to him. She said it so nonchalantly that it sounded as if she was serious.

"Origami?" he asked her and suddenly the noise level in the room lowered to whispers.

Kagome turned around and faced him. "Well, yeah. Rin saw someone doing it on television and decided she wanted to try it." She explained while placing Rin's toys in her bag. "Is that a problem?"

The whispers stopped and all eyes were on them. Sesshomaru looked over her shoulder and to the three figures sitting on the couch watching them. As soon as they noticed him looking their way both Shippo and Inuyasha jumped into a false conversation.

"So, I said to my doctor: Hey doctor, what's wrong with me? And he said . . . "

"Guys?" Kagome called out to them, cutting Shippo off. "Can you two possibly take Rin downstairs with you and we'll be right behind you?"

"Uh, sure. Come on Squirt." Inuyasha said as he stood up and stretched. "Let's leave these two to battle it out." Watching as the three of them exited Kagome's apartment, he looked at her. When the door closed Kagome was about to say something, but Sesshomaru stopped her when he suddenly opened the door and in fell Inuyasha and Shippo. Rin was standing behind them bewildered.

"I believe she said downstairs." He hissed irritated.

Inuyasha smirked, "Right. That she did. Come on you two. They want to be alone." he said grabbing Shippo up off the floor and dragging him downstairs. Rin happily followed behind them while laughing.

Info: From Birth by animegus farmus <-- on FF...
Summary: From the moment he saw her he knew she was his - too bad they'd decided she was meant for someone else.
Complete - Inuyasha - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 9,874 - Reviews: 31 - Published: 2-5-10 - Sesshomaru & Kagome

Lines:

When he was eighteen Inuyasha's life was over...

Sesshoumaru was going to kill him. Nothing was going to stop him this time, not even Kagome. He'd been in the middle of an important business meeting when he got the call. In real world perspective there was no way the situation was more important than his meeting, but Sesshoumaru had lost that perspective long ago. All he knew, all he cared about, was that Inuyasha had gone to the high school prom...and hadn't taken Kagome with him.

They'd been planning it for weeks and she'd been looking forward to it. Prom was important to girls. Being stood up by their prom date amounted to the end of the world to a teenager. Izayoi had been beside herself when she called. Whatever his boss might have said on the matter died abruptly on his tongue when the phone shattered in Sesshoumaru's hand. Eyes blood red, youkai crackling, Sesshoumaru took his usually shortest route – shattered window – out of the building and raced homeward with all the speed he could muster.

"You did what?!" Inutaisho asked, flabbergasted.

"I called Sesshoumaru. He left her all alone. She's sitting up there in her prom dress. Someone needs to talk to her and Sesshoumaru has always been best at that," Izayoi tearfully replied.

"Are you trying to get Inuyasha killed?"

"Wha-at?"

"Sesshoumaru has been completely and instinctively head over heels for the girl since she was born. If he decides Inuyasha has hurt her in any way he's going to kill the boy."

"But...but I always thought Inuyasha and Kagome would make a match of it."

Her statement was met by a veritable explosion of youki as Sesshoumaru passed overhead on route to the shrine.

"Really Izayoi, if you want Inuyasha to live to be much older you have to stop saying things like that."

LOL, I was also re-reading this one. Ive got a younger bro and this was just so dead on.

From Hallowed Desire by DemonLordLover2

Souta stopped at the door. His brown eyes were unusually somber when he looked over his shoulder at his big sister. "I know, Kagome. Hey, it's not like you're moving to another country. Maybe I can stop by after school sometime and visit." He grinned wickedly. "I've got a key, so your place could be a place to crash."



Kagome smiled mistily. "I'd like that. Just not too often," she joked to ease the mood. "And I don't want to see any wild orgies either!"




He snorted. "Of course not. I'll wait until you leave!" Laughing at her shocked gasp, he left the room before she had a chance to reply.

Frivolous Sentimentalities by Tally Mark

Conversation between Kagome and Sesshomaru

"You gave me dead animals."

A thin smile crossed his face. He plucked a flower from the ground and gently tucked it behind her ear, letting his claws linger in her hair. "And humans give each other dead plants."

"Frivolous sentimentalities," she murmured with a smile.

"Dead animals are a perfectly practical sentimentality," he corrected with a slight grumble.

From Tales From The House Of The Moon!:
--------------------------------------------------

"Look, you've been demolishing your pillows again in your sleep. You need this."

"...You know about that?"

"Of course. You think I don't know that you replace them on the sly? The down gets everywhere. And I do mean everywhere."

"Hn."

"Look. Just get out of here. Go kill something. You'll feel better, and I won't wake up with feathers in my crotch. Everyone wins."

"...What if I want you to have feathers in your- "

"Out!"
----------------------

My sis and I laughed for like 5 min when we read this!

I don't remember the fanfic shame on me but here goes anything.

Kagome says to Inuyasha: I don't blame you for your behavior becasue I realize it was caused by childhood trama; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and cracked the cement.

Nothing is Impossible for Love to Overcome

A person playing matchmaker gives Kagome the reason she needs someone like Sesshoumaru.

Kagome covered her face with her bangs. "Why Sesshomaru? Why not some human in my time? Or a hanyou or youkai that wouldn't try to kill me and my friends?"

"Because someone like that wouldn't be able to tame you." She said. "You are a feisty one, and your soul mate is the only one that will be able to soothe you. You are a wildfire, Kagome. Your chosen one must be the water to douse your flame, while still being the brush that feeds it. Sesshomaru is perfect."

This is from Blood Stained by Madison Chapter 19

Apparently he had revised the I'll raise the volume of the TV so I can't hear you solution, and transformed it into you and your damn questions, this will keep you quiet you insufferable human!

This is from Kyoto Summer on FF.net where Kagome and Sesshoumaru are in the lingerie department.

"What is wrong with you?" yelled Kagome, at the end of her patience. "There is absolutely nothing wrong with my underwear!"

"Nothing wrong?" Sesshoumaru sounded amazed. "Even my old housekeeper Kaede has sexier underwear than you."

This is from Fall Classes for Men at the Adult Learning Center by Kagome357

He wasn't paying attention to what she was saying at this point. He was too busy watching the road. Kagome was bobbing and weaving through traffic as if she was on a race track. She kept talking without really paying attention to what she was doing; as though this was almost second nature to her.

His beautiful mate wasn't the worst driver on the planet, but she came a pretty close second.

"Kagome," he gritted between his teeth, "why are you driving so aggressively?" He looked back at Hisa to make sure she was alright. The infant pup continued playing with her toy as if the van was parked quietly. Apparently she was used to her mother's demonic driving.

"Huh?" she replied absently. "Oh I'm doing just fine. Look, honey! Here we are! I told you we would be quick about it!"

Sesshomaru looked towards the bakery and suppressed a sigh of relief. The large mall next to it would provide enough parking space for her 'yacht-on-wheels' and it would only take her a few minutes to go in, get the treats and come back out.

Easy.

Or…so you would think...

Instead, she saw a parking spot in front of the store. She pulled up parallel next to another car and proceeded to back in.

"What the hell are you doing?" he snapped, gripping the arm rest.

"What does it look like?" she asked nonchalantly as she turned the wheel to the right and released the brake, backing into the spot. "I'm pulling in front of the store."

"Why will you not use the mall parking lot?" he growled. "There is plenty of space for you to park this whaling trawler in there! You will cause an accident!"

"No I won't and stop making fun of my van!" she laughed as she straightened the wheel and then switched to drive, recklessly hitting the gas and pulling into the spot just millimeters away from the car in front.

"Dammit Kagome, slow down!" he barked.

"Be quiet!" she yelled. "You're making me nervous! Oh, son of a…dammit!" She put the car into reverse and quickly pulled out of the space. "You messed me up! Don't say anything else until I get in there!"

Sesshomaru cringed visibly as she began humming as if she didn't have a care in the world, putting the van in reverse and quickly backing into the space.

"You know something?" she said as she put the 'SS El Gigante' into drive and snuggled in within millimeters from the car again. "You should relax more, sweetie." She shifted in reverse and hit the gas, coming within an inch of the car behind her. "You're just too stressed out at times."

She turned the wheel towards the curb and, putting the '747' into drive once more, snuggled even closer to the curb.

"Uh…hm," she murmured, pulling back out quickly and, before he could even register what was happening, backed into the space with just two quick moves.

"There!" she exclaimed. "That was easier without you jabbering in my ear, you big baby!" She grabbed her purse. "Watch Hisa until I get back."

She got out of the car and bounced happily into the bakery. Sesshomaru, his eyes tinted red, his hair slightly tousled from the unnatural wind his thumping heart had just created, turned to look back at Hisa, visibly trembling in front of the small pup.

She looked at him and giggled. "Mommy go ZOOM!!"

Sesshomaru turned back around, looking down at the now crumpled arm rest in his left hand and the door handle in his right hand, his nails piercing it beyond recognition. He shook his head as he took a deep breath, trying to force his now shattered nerves to relax.

from If You Love Something... by Mrs_Sesshoumaru

“You are not okay! You happen to have three broken ribs, two broken fingers, a fractured wrist, a twisted ankle, and a partridge in a pear tree! That’s not okay, Inuyasha. And you’re on painkillers. You’re not even supposed to be driving!”

From Dancing With Scissors by Piratequeen0405

“You’re objectifying me, aren’t you?”

“Of course not, Mr. Perfect Car. Now stop talking. Or make some kind of engine revving noise.”

Here's another one from r0o-r0o's Do you know how to Dance?

Miroku and Shippo looked at Inuyasha they were still outside, when the taiyoukai went back inside. "You do realize that if you come near her, regardless of what he said you'll have to deal with us. I can't believe you, and honestly you had changed my mind, I honestly thought you'd be the one for her. Your Pathetic, for your own sake, don't let me catch you anywhere near her, or else." said the monk who's eyes were glowing a whitish purple. He stuffed his hands in his pocked and went back into the club. The fox youkai bent down to look at him, the hard cold glint in the young males eyes as he bore them into the hanyou nearly had Inuyasha flinch when he heard the dark voice that belonged to the kitsune.


"You've heard them all say it, so I won't repeat it, but remember, if need be, they'll never find your body, a trace of your aura, or your scent, because honestly I didn't need Kagome to tell me when your weakness night is." at that the hanyou's eyes opened wide. His darkest, most well kept secret was not so secret, and the kitsune chuckled darkly at him showing him an incredibly sharp fang in the process. "I'm a master of deception hanyou, don't think weakling charms can hide anything from me, let alone when your human and when your not. I'll have you know that woman means the world to me, and I will personally make your life a living hell in every way possible should you upset her again." the kitsunes words were not falling on deaf ears, there was a shiver running up his spine as he listened. "At best the monk and my mate could purify you, the taiyoukai and the slayer could kill you, I..., well you don't to know what I'm capable of. I honestly hope I never have to see you again, if I do, it wont be pleasant I assure you."

I can never get enough of this fic. I always keep coming back to it. *cough*update*cough cough*

Rated MA, no YIMs

This is from Embrace the Silence by Troube in Shangri-la

"You have not seen me drugged until you have seen me smoke opium."

"You smoked a bong?"

"Yes."

"You probably saw pink elephants and - "

"The moon talked to me." Sesshoumaru replied. "I howled at it to be silent."

FORTHRIGHT! I'm shocked no one has suggested this.

When I was little, Mama called them sunshine kisses.”

Sesshoumaru’s head tipped to one side, and he wore an expression she’d never seen on his face before. He looks like a little boy who wants something very badly... and is figuring out how to get it. For a second, he reached for her, but then he tucked his hands behind his back and quietly asked, “May I touch?”

Kagome wasn’t sure if he was respecting her personal space or if he was allowing her the same courtesy afforded to all youkai who bore markings on their skin, but she appreciated being asked. “Sure, it’s okay.”

One small fang pressed into Sesshoumaru’s lip as his finger gently traced a path over her cheek. He took so much time, Kagome wondered if he was counting each one. “If we stay in the sun will they multiply further?” he asked curiously.

“Yeah.”

“Then you will stay,” he declared. Sitting down beside her, Sesshoumaru gazed expectantly into her face.

“You’re going to watch for more freckles?” she asked bemusedly.

“I want to see,” he nodded.

“For the record, most human girls don’t like getting freckles; they spoil one’s complexion.”

He met her gaze and bluntly announced, “I like them.”

“Why?”

“They are pleasing,” he declared loftily. “You are like a speckled egg.”

I had gigglefits for ages about cute little Sesshomaru telling Kagome she was "like a speckled egg". <33333

From 4th's Unspoiled. I heart that fic sooo hard...

This is from Dancing with Scissors by Piratequeen0405. Chapter 33: Transparency, Sharing Sleep and Fast cars

He let her cling to him, then held her at arm’s length to gauge her reaction. “Spend the night here with me.” After their late nights together the past weeks, as they dressed and discussed who was acting as Rin’s Taxi the next morning, he had hoped and hinted for an invitation to stay. Kagome always insisted he leave and return to the mansion, saying they needed to keep his parents and Rin unaware. Sesshoumaru knew part of her reason was fear of getting closer, but after playing, and playing that piece, he felt reckless. And he didn’t plan on taking No for an answer.

She paled and swallowed audibly. “You mean like I sleep here and wake up really early and sneak back to the guest house so no one hates me?”

I laughed so hard it's just one of the many good lines in this fantastic fic!

“Keh... that’s no surprise. Kagome makes friends with everyone,” Inuyasha muttered. On further reflection, he added, “Except maybe your mom.”

“Indeed.”

>>>>

From chapter 47 of Unspoiled. This bit just kills me everytime I read it.

from Kagome's Trial by firevixen73:
“Inuyasha! Sit!” she screamed before she had the chance to survey the area.

A large crashing noise was heard once again, only this one was followed by a stream of curse words. Kagome, being more than used to the situation, walked towards the cloud of dust.

The main cloud of dust suddenly spoke, “Damit woman, why the hell did you do that?”

Kagome pretended to think about it before she answered. While she did so she surveyed the room, one broken table, one dent in the wall and three demon lords. Great, just great. “Were you and Sesshomaru in a fight?”

Silence surrounded her but she continued to wait for her response from the hole in the ground. She could at least see him now since the dust had cleared.

A dejected voice, that sounded like a kicked stray, resonated through her ears, “…Yes.”

“Were there claws involved?”

“…Yes.”

“Were you going to stop any other way?”

“…Maybe.”
I always laugh when I read this. I can just picture Inuyasha's with his ears down looking dejected.

It's not even one line, it's one whole chapter nearly but I LOVE it so much I always go back to reading this one little conversation between Sesshoumaru and Kagome. Thank you to Elegant Paws and "This Sesshoumaru Needs Not a Mate."

"How utterly romantic of you, Sesshoumaru. What position would you like me in? Let me guess," she said touching one delicate finger to her full soft lips. "Oh I know... Doggy-Style?" she said with a sarcastic smile on her usually beautiful face which had taken on rather hard lines of anger; her g-string dangling over one manicured finger suggestively.

Her tone told Sesshoumaru, this was not going to be quite as straight forward as he planned. There on one elegantly tapered finger dangled the evidence of her misappropriated garment. She undoubtedly needed an explanation before he could introduce her to the delights of carnal pleasure.

"Miko, do not be tiresome. This Sesshoumaru intends to rut with you this night," he said with a barely controlled edge to his voice. She was pushing him beyond what he could reasonably bear. He would not take her by force but if she kept this up, he did not know how long he could keep his beast at bay, though it remained silent. The Taiyoukai was perplexed at this and almost missed the miko's next utterance.

"Let me tell you something Horny Puppy, unless I know why my favorite underwear just happened to be under your god damn pillows...guess what you're not entering tonight?!" she said in a harsh tone and deciding to make for the shoji doors back to her chambers.

"Bitch! Get on that palette now! This Sesshoumaru will not discuss your delicates," he ground out hoarsely. He would not beg for what he felt was rightfully his. She was going to enjoy this or his name was not ....

"Fuck you! Lord Studly" she growled as she tightened her robe, prepared to bolt for the sliding doors, 'What the hell had she been thinking? This was no longer a good idea, by any stretch of the imagination,' she thought. Her previous fear of the unknown completely gone as she now was beside herself with anger at his complete egotistical self- absorption and audacity in thinking he could command her into his palette.

I've read many lines I like and even use in my daily thoughts when mulling over things, but I read this one just recently and it gave me a giggle.

Ch6 Kryptonite by Danyealle-sama
Kagome: "Ah... ass kissing is imminent."

Now whenever someone tries to suck up to me I'll probably have that pass through my mind, lol.

Kudos must go to Tallymark for the awesomeness of Kagome resisting Mr.Fluffy's sheer gorgeousness. He even confirms it hisself with this line:

“You should be. You rejected me thirty-seven times in a row. It was most insulting.”

Absolute hilarity to even think that Kagome could possibly be immune to Sesshoumaru's inuyoukai charms.

Okay this is way more than a line, but heck, I mean the 'implied' situation is hilarious from Sango's viewpoint XD. Again kudos to Tallymark in the oneshot 'Etchings', here's my favourite piece:

“Kagome?”

The miko started at Sango’s voice, and she turned to find that the slayer had somehow sought her out and was standing at the edge of the clearing. Her eyes were wide as a cat’s, but instead of looking directly at Kagome, her gaze was fixed in the same place Sesshoumaru’s was. “Kagome…what are you doing?”

Kagome’s eyes followed Sango’s line of sight back to the tree. To where her name was etched into it. Right below Sesshoumaru’s.

Her stomach did an unpleasant flip.
It looks almost like—like—

And oh, good lord, the dark patch of dead bark, it had grown irregularly and it—it couldn’t be—was it—

Heart shaped?

Why, Kagome silently asked the universe, must you do these things to me?

Sango blinked a few times, and Kagome could almost see the chains of synapses connect and reroute themselves.

Then Sango squeaked and clapped her hands over her mouth. Between one moment and the next, she turned a remarkable shade of pink.

“Oh—I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize I was interrupting!”

She took a step backwards. Then another.

“No, wait,” Kagome said, finding her voice, “it isn’t what it—“

“I’ll just leave the two of you alone!“

Kagome was pretty sure she’d never seen Sango run that fast before.