Hello ducks!

I need someone's help. My recent one shot Liberation has inspired me to delve a little deeper into the human mind. I have begun to map out another one shot involving mental illnesses, a subject that still seems to be taboo in American Society. I have had my own personal battle with OCD and depression, however, in this story I am going to touch on eating disorders.

I realize this is a sensitive issue for those who have dealt with or are still struggling with this issue. I have done my research, but I would like to have a human touch to it. I have read some online blogs and forums, but no one really spoke about what triggered the disorder. Again, I know this is a hard subject to speak about, but I do not want to write something that is incorrect or write something that will offend someone and their struggle. If that makes sense.

I apologize if I sound stiff or anything, I am just trying to chose my words wisely. If you or maybe you were a loved one of someone who struggled with an eating disorder, I would really like to hear your story. You can message me, email me, or even post here. I just want to make sure that I don't write something that is false or even reflects the stereotypes associated with mental health issues.

Would anxiety help you at all?

Katt,

It would actually, I was going to have anxiety being Sango's reason why she was in the hospital with Kagome and the others.

Control. With my daughter, when she started having eating problems, it was first just general picky eater syndrome. As time went on, in elementary school, she developed a full-blown eating disorder. By the time we recognized what was going on, it was then all about control. She saw her food intake as one of the few things she could actually exercise full control over, and it went downhill from there. It didn't help that she had ADD and was incredibly intelligent, forcing the schools to boost her a grade in reading (they had no "gifted program" per se). Both of those things led to her being somewhat ostracized from her peers.

Fortunately, given counseling and a lot of flexibility, she's progressed beyond that and is actually experimenting with new and different foods and seasonings. It took FOREVER, though, and there were times I thought she was going to live on Ensure for the rest of her life.

Hope this little peek into it helps!

~~Wiccan~~

Thank you for sharing Wiccan! I am glad to hear that she is progressing back from that, I know its a very difficult process for both loved ones and the one who suffers from the disease.

If you are still needing or wanting more information (a human touch) to eating disorders than my twin and myself have struggled with both anorexia and bulimia. I remember how it started, for the both of us, and how it not only affected us emotionally/mentally/physically but also our loved ones who lived with us.

Keep in mind, we both are very small individuals who have never been overweight, our weights ranging between 95-105lbs typically. (So yes, even us thin girls have eating disorders.)
In my twin’s case, it started because she wanted to be skinny. Needed it. Obsession is the correct word, actually. Her ‘trigger’ was our mother, whom suffered some mental issues of her own and was not at all pleased that her twin daughters were so small while she and her eldest child were not. Mama would try to get us to gain weight, or tried to make us feel bad about our weight, saying we were fat because of a small roundness in the belly caused by eating food before it is digested.

My trigger was not only my mother but more so because I needed to find something I liked about myself physically, and being thin was the only thing—and our mama trying to take that from me caused the disorder.

My twin and I both started out anorexic, refusing to eat. But we loved food, so after half a year of starving ourselves and mostly just putting liquids in our stomachs, we shifted to bulimic. You know the phrase “have your cake and eat it too”? But it was worse emotionally, eating than throwing it up. We’d punish ourselves for the smallest amount of food passing our mouth by over eating then throwing it up.

We both have developed stomach ulcers (nonbleeding so far) in our stomach and esophagus and acid reflex. So we fluxed between periods of not eating really anything at all to eating too much than throwing it up right after. This lasted 7-8 years in both of our case and even though we do not continue harming ourselves in this manner, we will still sometimes over indulge in food and regret it, so throw it up right afterwards, or if we eat too many snacks.

I went through a really bad anorexia phase when I was 13-16, I was a foster kid and my foster mother and her daughter's were all natural size 0-2's, well I was not in the slightest, I'm a natural size 12-14 now, I started because I wanted to fit more into this family. I am a very tall and large proportioned women and am fine with that, all the women in my family are, but I was ostracized and the foster family always pointed it out and made me feel like scum for it, so I just stopped eating one day. It got pretty bad, at one point all I had eaten in a month was water and a box of wheat thins. What ended up pulling me out of it was that biological dad, noticed it and tried to get me help. (The foster family ignored it because I was finally losing weight.) So long story short I was anorexic because I wanted to fit in because I stood out and was shamed. All I saw in the mirror was a fat girl that nobody could love, not the hip bones or the rib cage that showed. I hope this helps,

Beloved- I am so sorry to hear this struggle between you and your sister. I'm sorry to hear that the trigger or part of it was your own mother. I hope both of you are getting healthy and are seeking help for that regret. ( I hope that didn't come out wrong?) I want to hug you and your twin and never let you go, with out being creepy or anything. Thank you for sharing your story and insight.

Kymerasalla- I am sorry to hear about your foster family did that, sometimes people don't understand the profound effect their words have on others. Like Beloved her and twin, I want to hug you and not let go. I am glad your father noticed this and tried to get you help.

I think was it important detail for both of your stories is the need to either be skinny or the need to fit in. For american women this has become more then an obsession, which is obviously very dangerous. Which is another reason I wanted to touch on this subject. I think many women and men can relate to any relationship with food (ranging from hate or obsession). Thank you both again so much for sharing your stories and insight. I hope I can write this struggle as it is meant to be.

If you are still looking for the human experience, I have dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts as well as very bad anger. When I was a child my mother was very controlling and would often fly off the handle when things did not go her way. When I didn't clean my room in the way she wanted it clean she would toss my entire room, leaving thumb tacks on the floor and would yell and tell me that I would not amount to anything in life. These issues bled into my academic life, when I was younger I was "gifted" so when I didn't do well or didn't do homework my mother would tell me that I would be a failure at anything I wanted to do. As I got older, I internalized a lot of these messages and projected them onto myself, causing me to become suicidal and depressed. In the fall of my junior year in high school, I had a breakdown which pushed my parents to get me diagnosed. Once diagnosed and seeing a therapist, a lot of the anger and anxiety I had for my mother came though and I had a hard time controlling it and trying to do well and apply for college. Over time I've learned that my depression is not situational and will be a part of me for the rest of my life but that doesn't mean I have to let it control me all the time.

Things to note(for myself and others)-depression is not always crying and being sad, sometimes it's just being empty.
-anxiety does not have to be the end of the world, use coping mechanisms that are healthy and effective. Sometimes panic attacks will happen, that doesn't make you a bad person or weak.
-Having good days is important and encouraged but that doesn't always mean you are "cured", nor does it mean you were "making it up" before you started feeling better

Mine started about 5 y/o and overhearing my mother and grandmother fighting over my grandma's weight and diabetes. My other grandmother was constantly dieting due to her health issues, as well, so I got it in my head that you get fat... You die.

I also grew up in an abusive household, so stress levels were through the roof, and food was the one thing I could control in a very chaotic world. Eventually the anorexia got to the point where I was in and out of hospitals. Even still, as an adult with bipolar disorder, when my depression phases hit, I lose all appetite, and manic phases I forget to eat. Through the years, I've also struggled with body dysmorphia, and it's taken me a long time to feel comfortable in my skin and build a positive body image. Luckily, I have a strong friends and family support system that makes sure I eat.

Other members of my family have eating disorders both with compulsive dieting and compulsive overeating. They're all triggered by high stress, depression, anxiety, emotional insecurities, feeling a lack of control in our lives. You can't say anything specific is a trigger because it's an emotional response and a compulsion. You trick yourself into thinking your in control, when it's actually just the opposite.

Recovering from an eating disorder can be a lot like recovering from a substance addiction. It never really goes away, making it a day to day choice not to let the disorder control you.

Scar,

Mine started somewhat recently. Anxiety is a very tricky, fickle thing. I say this, because I have it (so I hope I don't offend anyone who has it as well). Mine first started when I started over thinking and worrying about my husband and I after we got into a fight. I started off with a tingling in my fingers and my chest becoming hot. I started taking deep breaths to try and calm myself down, but it wasn't helping. So, I knelt down on the floor and put my head on my knees and started timing my breathing. After a little, it calmed down.

However, the next night, I had a full blown panic attack when my husband came home. I was literally gasping for air. It's absolutely terrifying. You feel like you're dying. Imagine constantly breathing, repeatedly and quickly, but not being able to actually breathe. Your breath turn into gasps and that's it. Your chest is tight, heavy, and hot, but your fingers and toes are cold. You're literally getting too much air and you're body can't keep up with it. That's why they tell people to breathe into a paper bag. It controls your intake of air and forces you to breathe in your own CO2.

So, my husband said I would take a gasp in and then just stop. He was on the phone with the paramedics and they told him to knock on my chest to get me going again. Super frightening because neither one of us could do anything for me. The paramedics came and they couldn't calm me down so they took me to hospital where there calmed me down.

Ever since then I have had anxiety.

I notice that what triggers it is much like everyone is saying, it's a control thing, but it my case a lack of control. My mind starts whirling and spinning as it goes over all these possible things or situations. The feeling of being helpless and stuck and not being able to do anything sets me off.

Its hard on me mentally because I literally feel like I'm broken. I feel like I have no control over my own body once it starts and it upsets me to feel so useless to my own body.

Hope that helps you a little. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

-Katt

Thank you everyone who shared their experiences, I apologize I didn't get back to you when you posted. We are still rebuilding the house so yesterday was dry walling. ( I loath dry wall.) Anyway, all of your stories have helped me so much and I appreciate each and everyone. I'm sending virtual hugs and love to each and everyone of you.

After I am done witting this, would anyone be interested in reading it before I post it? I'm trying to be really careful when it comes to other mental issues. Like some of you or your family, I suffer from depression, anxiety, and an compulsive disorder. ( reason # 1 I should not hang dry wall ) And if anyone ever needed a shoulder to lean on, I don't mind listening.

As MissKat said, anxiety is a factor in this type of disorder, it can end up with serious illnesses like diabetes, or allergies, or as in my case intolerance to certain foods, which in turn leads to deficiencies of certain vitamins. ..
It can trigger other types of disorders like sleep etc, but I will not get too long for now, although if you want to know more on the subject I have no problem with explaining.

Belit Lihara,

I will definitely pick your brain. I am in the process of revamping on of my stories. I still have this story in mind and I have a part of an outline. It just might be a few months.