Be careful what your ask for...

I am assuming that english is not your native language. I am also assuming that this story is an experiment in writing. I think you would profit from having a beta to help you with it.

The first thing I want to point out is the line spacing: the lines are too close together and it makes reading it more difficult. I almost didn't read it for this reason. By the time you're done reading this you may wish that I hadn't persevered.

The punctuation and grammar need some work. I noticed a number of parenthetical phrases that should have been set off by commas to clarify what you were trying to communicate to your readers.

The story itself is kind of choppy, it is important to take the time to develop the characters and the storyline. In a number of places the sentences were cut off without finishing the thought. I got the impression that you were trying to get as much written as you could, writing too fast to complete your thoughts.

Next, choose a perspective to write from and stick with it: first person, third person, whatever. Jumping back and forth is too confusing to the reader. This is what led me to wonder if this was a writing experiment.

This actually has a chance of being a really good story. You've got a good premise and the beginning of an interesting plot. I would suggest that you make an outline of the story you want to write and then take it from there. I think that, with some effort, you could become a good writer, but it will require a lot of work.

Well, you wanted a review and you got it. I hope I wasn't too fierce and haven't come across as a 'simoncowell,' but I wanted to pay you the respect of being honest about this.

Janer

Well I have to say that I don't like Sesshoumaru so much this far, but maybe he'll get better. He's OCC that's for sure because I couldn't see him having kagome kill Inuyasha insead of him.

Hugs and Puppies

OMFG! i love this story. i just started reading it, today, but so far i think its really good. the third-person writing style seems better to me, and you also need to work on putting up the quotaion marks and separating thoughts from the rest of the story. if you work on this stuff, i think this will be a very good story. :)

OMFG! i love this story. i just started reading it, today, but so far i think its really good. the third-person writing style seems better to me, and you also need to work on putting up the quotaion marks and separating thoughts from the rest of the story. if you work on this stuff, i think this will be a very good story. :)

its coming along rather nicely :)

interesting story are you going to have sessho and isamu(probably spelled his name wrong sorries) both mate with kagome? that would be interesting

I like the way things are so far in the story but i could not help but wander ehat would happen if inuyasha came in and saw the 2 males sleeping with kagome.

this story is really good! and i really like it, but the scenes seem to go by so fast. I think that you should add just a little more detail and the chapters would be PERFECT! other wise the story is fricken awesome!

It's an interesting story. This is the first I read it and you seem kind of rushed. I love the idea behind the story. The creativity is great, you just need to slow down the thoughts and the story will grow beyong your wildest dreams.
Good luck and hope to read your next chapter soon.

Another wonderful chapter update soon

very good, so Inu still cares about her, will Kagome realize that Sesshoumaru is just using her?

I really like it so far but it needs to be longer and have more paragraaphs so its easier to read.

I like what you have so far, I hope you update soon