The Urge by Miss Kagura

Prologue

This story is now rated MA - not appropriate for anyone under 18, as of 3/25/12!!

Sometimes, Sesshoumaru longed for the years when he felt satisfaction with himself. Most of the time, however, he was thankful for the worries that were slowly devouring his sizable pride alive. The past two years trickled by too slowly, bumping and twisting him in ways immortals were not meant to bend. Immortals were meant to change slowly and imperceptibly, but too many things happened to force him to address change more quickly. He could accept it or he could die, and he was no fool. He refused to be the fool that died because he was unable to accept what was.

The second fall after he and Inuyasha reunited at their father's grave, Sesshoumaru began to feel the strangest, worst feeling. At first, it only bothered him at night, when he was alone. It grew into a distracting force that kept him from sleeping and left him feeling like his life was lacking in a very serious way. Ironically, for all his knowledge and age, Sesshoumaru could not even find the words to describe it, but Rin knew it well enough that she identified and understood it completely.

"Why are you so lonely, Sesshoumaru-sama?"

Sesshoumaru was ashamed of his loneliness, embarrassed that he, Sesshoumaru, would need anything from anyone else. He was also getting older, and his inherent need to remain detached battled with the intrinsic need to settle down. Sometimes, when Rin slept next to him, he almost ached for a form of completion he could never gain through battle. He had his power, his security, and it was the time in his life to put the armor away and be a man.

The taiyoukai had destroyed tens of thousands of lives, but he desired to create life now. Tenseiga forced him to feel an artificial form of joy gained through giving life, but one taste was one taste too much. Both his body and soul demanded the real thing, to make a real connection to a child that looked and smelled like he did.

With each day that went by, the strong emotional desires seemed to eat a little more of his soul, until he felt hollow and almost desperate. It didn't seem fair that after a lifetime of making himself strong and learning to control everything that something so simple would weaken him, but his aura was fluctuating, almost as it had when he was a teen, except instead of growing, it was shrinking. That was his strength slipping through his fingers, even though he invested centuries into building it. He was miserable, and lonely, and weakening as his life spiraled down into the pits without anyone knowing it.

While he didn't understand loneliness at first, Sesshoumaru was familiar with the desire to mate and settle down. The hormonal and psychological drive started in him almost two centuries before, and he ignored it completely until it started to make him miserable. There was no hope for him, no female like him anywhere. The only living female Inuyoukai was his mother, so he could never be with someone like him. It wasn't a matter of bigotry at all; Sesshoumaru, like most other living things, desired to mate and breed with someone of his own species. He long believed his father's affinity for humans was biologically unnatural, like a bizarre fetish that one should ignore.

However, the only option for Sesshoumaru was cross-breeding, either with a human or with someone of another species of youkai. Both were incredibly unattractive options, although he wasn't sure if it was worse to produce a hanyou or a mixed-breed. 'Mixed' youkai were even rarer than hanyou because for every bi-species child, there were two races of adults that wanted to erase the blemish from their reputation.

Sesshoumaru refused to give either option any consideration for almost two centuries, but almost eight-hundred years of age, Sesshoumaru realized he couldn't spend his entire life alone. There were things he wanted to do, and he couldn't do them unless he walked the path he loathed his father for walking. Never once had he tasted a woman's kiss, or lost himself in passion. He sentenced himself to a celibate lifestyle, and the lack of intimacy and companionship was twisting him in a painful way.

Sesshoumaru stumbled on Inuyasha's pack one night, and saw Inuyasha sleeping with his back against a tree and Kagome leaning against him. Their bodies were touching in several places, but there was no friction or heat. Kagome's slow, steady heartbeat massaged Sesshoumaru's tired nerves, taunting him, teasing him with relaxation that would never come. Inuyasha's fingers were tangled in her hair, which was glossy and black, and silky. It smelled like her, and it was the same color as the long, dark lashes that fluttered slightly while she dreamed. Inuyasha's other hand was draped across his lap, and rested just above one of Kagome's knees. The pad of the hanyou's thumb had seemingly found its way to a pulse point, tuning his subconscious mind to Kagome's natural rhythm. Their breathing patterns matched perfectly, despite the non-intimate nature of their relationship.

As Sesshoumaru stood there, staring at Inuyasha, he felt a stab of jealousy that caused his aura to spike and upset Kagome's miko senses. Her heart sped up, and Inuyasha's thumb twitched once before the hanyou opened his eyes slightly.

Sesshoumaru could see the sense of peace and contentment in Inuyasha's eyes, one that Sesshoumaru had never felt. His amber eyes seemed to be full of warmth and simple contentment. These things were completely strange to Sesshoumaru, yet he knew them when he saw them. He knew that once again, he was left to watch while his despicable little brother enjoyed something he had been denied.

The negative thoughts about Inuyasha stacked up quickly, and Sesshoumaru felt the strange urge to kill him. Rage had motivated him to violence before, but never thoughts that were homicidal on such an animalistic basis. He started to breathe heavily, and his heart pounded in his chest as Inuyasha got up and prepared to fight. Centuries of self-control and precision force were ignored, and Sesshoumaru understood immediately that his urge to kill Inuyasha was primal, and made him like a dog that wanted to get with a bitch.

Kagome was no common canine though, and Sesshoumaru knew that allowing his nature to take control would only make the situation worse. He walked away from them without saying a word and without throwing even one punch. His desire wasn't for her specifically, so a battle was pointless. As he put distance between himself and the camp, he could hear Inuyasha shouting, although the loud thrum of his own heartbeat drowned him out.

The taiyoukai traveled to a nearby river and took a bath, as if it would wash the memory away. He almost expected his body to respond to the event with an erection, but his lust for the miko was non-sexual. It wasn't really social, either. He wasn't in love with her personality because he didn't know her. He knew her name, and that she could shoot arrows, but he couldn't remember any other details about her.

Unfortunately, emotional urges could be just as strong as physical ones, if not moreso, and they were impossible to thwart. Typically, if Sesshoumaru just felt the urge to have sex, he ignored it or controlled it with cold baths and carefully guarded thoughts. He wouldn't stoop to masturbation, because he suspected that if he ever did that, he would develop a taste for orgasm and his control over his situation would further deteriorate. For immortals, mating was incredibly serious and very irreversible, so control over that decision was essential, and not something he could trust to his body's demands.

A cold bath didn't cure loneliness though, and it didn't erase what he had seen. Unlike typical lust, emotional desires were inescapable. He couldn't even slip into a state of sleep, because of his growing insomnia. If he did sleep, it would only be fitfully, so his form of 'resting' had mutated from sleeping to resting occasionally during the day, as if it was perfectly normal to sit under a big tree for most of the afternoon.

Sesshoumaru sat down on a rock in the river, and let the cool water rush over him.

Initially, he was jealous and covetous of what Inuyasha had, but then Sesshoumaru realized that like himself, Inuyasha was a one-of-a-kind person. There were no female Inuyoukai hanyou anywhere, so at some point, Inuyasha was forced to choose. Or, Sesshoumaru considered, Inuyasha took whatever came to him first because his chances of mating on either side were so dire.

Once Sesshoumaru was done with his bath, he journeyed back to his own pack and forced himself to slip back into his own skin before dawn.

The next few days passed by uneventfully for Sesshoumaru. He was still exhausted and lonely, but other than Rin, no one was really aware of his declining state. Sesshoumaru tried to continue living as he had, but weakness at his core was something easily exposed if pressure was put on his strong exterior. He sensed another strong youkai in the area, and he evaded the presence. When he sensed it again, he again evaded it.

Evasion was degrading and insulting to his family name and reputation, but Sesshoumaru knew when he was able to fight and when he wasn't. Allowing his death to come from such an error in judgment was foolish, so he was faced with either answering his emotional urges, or finding a way to suppress them.

Since Sesshoumaru had no desire to be miserable, and pride was worthless to the dead, he made an important decision, and set out on a quest to find a mate.