Bittersweet Christmas by VS

Bittersweet Christmas

A/N: A special thank you to StormieLikeWeather and Myella who did a great job betaing this Christmas gift.

"This tree, I want this tree, daddy! Pretty  please!" Four year old Kagome couldn't contain her excitement any longer. Her father had taken her to a nearby forest to cut a tree for Christmas, and she had just found the perfect one.

"Hm, let me see."  Wakou's eyes were dancing with laughter when he did a great show of inspecting the tree his precious daughter had chosen.

"Are you sure, little bird? The tree seems a bit…lacking."

"No! Daddy, it's perfect! Please." Kagome attached herself to her father's leg and looked up with pleading eyes. How could he say no to those doe like eyes? How could anyone deny his little bird? Wakou still remembered the day his Kagome was born. It was such a foreign experience. When his wife was laying there trying to push the baby out and failing to breath through the pain, he didn't only feel helpless but a spark of regret had appeared in his heart. It was his fault that his wife was in so much pain. Uncertainness was eating him. What if something went wrong? What if he would lose her? Or worse, what if he would lose both? Then Kagome's wails reached his ears and he started to cry. All the pressure, all the fears and doubts that weighed on his shoulder suddenly disappeared. Cradling his tiny daughter against his heart, he vowed to protect her with his life. 

Always.

Looking down at his pleading daughter with love in his eyes, he said, "If this is the tree you wish to have, then this one you shall get!" You shall always get what you wish for, my little bird. You deserve to be happy.

*-*|*-*

Waking up from the sound of the birds, Kagome smiled. She didn't often dream about her father, but when she did she felt loved and protected, and always woke up with tears in her eyes. She missed him so much. That particular dream was a memory about Christmas time, her favourite festivity. It was a time where the whole family came together to decorate the Christmas tree, sing, eat, and exchange gifts. 

Looking out of the window, Kagome saw snowflakes falling gently from the sky, painting the landscape a peaceful white. If she concentrated hard enough she could create an image of Souta and herself playing in the backyard of the shrine. They loved to lay in the snow and move their hands and legs up and down in hopes to create a good looking snow angel. When they finished with that, they would go on to catch snowflakes with their tongues, all the while holding hands, until they mother called them in to warm up. 

Everything was there. The cold, the snow, the trees…Just her family and friends were missing, someone to celebrate Christmas with. 

Ten years had passed since she had made the decision to stay in the feudal era forever. Ten years had passed where she celebrated Christmas on her own. Because here, in the feudal era, people were too close minded to hear or accept foreign ideas and traditions. They were even less accepting of those who tried to teach them. As a naive girl she thought that she could have the best of both worlds. Though life taught her a lesson she would never forget.

And so her dream of a fulfilling life started to wane until she lost all hopes for it.

Turning her head, she inspected the spot next to her that was doomed to stay empty forever. A world that refused to accept her the way she was and reacted with suspicion and cruelty couldn't provide her with a husband. With her twenty-eight years she already surpassed the average marrying age for women in the feudal era by far.

Forcing herself to leave the futon and get ready for the day, Kagome welcomed the cold temperatures in her hut. They helped her calm down and numb the pain she was feeling in her heart. When there was no purpose in life, nothing to look forward to, leaving the bed and preparing for the day was a struggle. Though she tried and somehow managed so far. 

*-*|*-*

Armed with a basket to run some errands, Kagome left her hut and went mentally through her to-do-list for the day. Her thoughts were interrupted by a cry of pain. A few feet away was a heavily pregnant woman holding the side of her belly while a toddler was bound to her back. Before Kagome had the chance to take a step, the pregnant woman bent down and took hold of a bucket filled with snow. There was little that could bring any emotions out of Kagome these days. Sometimes she wondered if it was even possible to forget how to feel. Only children could still touch her heart. They were innocent and needed to be protected. Seeing this woman endangering her unborn child moved something in her. Not hesitating any moment longer, Kagome jumped into action and pried the heavy bucket out of her hands.

"Are you crazy?" Kagome shouted "Do you want to lose your unborn child?"

Now that she was face to face with the woman, Kagome could see who she was. Naoko-san, Inuyasha's wife. And a new wave of anger arised in her.

"Where is that shithead? He should be carrying around the heavy stuff and helping you out! He knows better!"

Naoko looked at her with eyes as big as saucers. Surprise was written all over her face, and embarrassment. Though she wasn't embarrassed because she endangered her health or the unborn child's, she was embarrassed because she was standing too near to Kagome while she was shouting out her blasphemous views. People stopped to look at what was going on and observed them.

"I-I'm fine Kagome-sama. I just need the water for cooking. This is what a good wife does, a-and I want to be a good one. H-have a nice day." With those words Naoko waddled back to her hut, the heavy bucket in her hands again.

Ignoring the newly formed crowd, Kagome went in search of Inuyasha. She had to talk to him because obviously his wife wouldn't listen to her. 'At least her name suited her well', Kagome scoffed, 'Naoko the obedient one.'

There was no need to search long for him. He still wore his red robes that were a great contrast to the white landscape. There lying on a branch of a leafless tree was Inuyasha. They had thought that they loved each other as females and males did. They had really tried. Only to find out that they were not meant for each other. It was ironically the hanyou now that found his place in this world and the village while she, a human, was confronted with distrust and treated like an outcast.

"Oi, shithead."

Opening one eye, Inuyasha started at her. "Oi, wench. What is it?"

"You’ve seen the future, Inuyasha. You’ve been there and you know how much things will change. Mostly for the better."

"Watcha talking about, wench? I ain't in the mood for riddles!"

"Don't play dumb, mister! A wife is not meant to be her husband's personal servant. They should help each other out!"

"Here ya go again!" Inuyasha snorted and interrupted her. He couldn't hear her talking about gen-der e-qua-lity or whatever she called that shit anymore. "Ya know wench, if ya would just shut the fuck up for once and do what people are expecting ya to do, ya would be married already!"

Not playing into his cards, Kagome went on where she had left. "Helping each other out is not to be seen as weakness. Inuyasha, Naoko…," before Kagome could continue, Inuyasha had already jumped from the tree and was now standing in front of her, grabbing her arms roughly and asking "What is wrong with Naoko? What happened to her?"

Annoyed at the way he grabbed her arms, she let her disapproval be seen on her face. "Nothing happened to her. This time." Feeling that his muscles began to relax with her words, she wanted to make it even clearer, it could have had another outcome. "She was carrying a heavy bucket filled with snow, Inuyasha! And she’s in her last trimester! You should not take that lightly, it could lead to a miscarriage!"

Letting go of her arms, he was a bit embarrassed by his outburst. "Come on, wench. There ain't nobody who died from carrying a bucket yet."

Kagome had to stop herself from pulling his ears since it was not her place anymore. Sighing in frustration, she tried it again. "Inuyasha, don't be so stubborn. Taking care of your family involves more than protecting them from enemies. Naoko wouldn't listen to me. But you could try and…" 

Suddenly, the atmosphere changed and Inuyasha was looking at her with a cold expression. "Did ya talk to her, Kagome?" Still confused from his sudden change in mood, Kagome could not form any coherent words and nodded instead. "Did ya talk to her about that shit in front of others, Kagome?" It seemed that her expression was enough for an answer because he moved forward with a feral growl and grabbed her face with his clawed hand, pushing against her jaw painfully. "Listen to me, wench," he whispered, "ya will leave my wife the fuck alone with your modern shit. She is a good wife and the villagers like her, ya ain't gonna destroy her image with your shit and drag her down with you. She ain't an outcast like you!" His cold expression turned into an evil grin and with malice he sneered at her "Or do I have to remind you of ketsubon kyō?"

Kagome felt like someone had punched her in the gut. All the air left her lungs and for a few seconds she couldn't remember how to breathe. Of course she hadn't forgotten about the day the villagers informed her about ketsubon kyō. How could she? When suddenly images of that day started to assault her mind, she began to run. She wanted to escape from Inuyasha and the villagers. She wanted to leave everything behind. The hurt, the angst, the disappointment and her depression. Just everything. Unfortunately,  she could not escape the images in her head. It was like she had to relive  everything again.

She could see  the elders walking towards her now and she started to feel nauseous. 'Not again' was all she could think of. Panic began to arise in her when she started to hear their voices explaining how she was a danger to the village. Kagome forced her body to move even faster. The cold air was burning in her lungs, but she did not stop, she needed to leave. Ignoring her surroundings and potential dangers, she did not care at all about her safety and focused only on the pumping of her legs.

When her ears started to ring and her muscles to protest, she collapsed to the ground. There, surrounded by snow she was gasping like a fish trying to breathe some air. 

When her pulse came down and the fog in her mind started to clear, Kagome realised where her subconscious had brought her. The lake. 

The villagers had brought her to this exact place to explain to her, that she was only allowed to bathe and get water from here. Further down from the rest as to not contaminate their land and wives. Ketsubon kyō was an old concept that said that women and their menstrual blood were tainted and after death they were sent to hell because of that. There were special sutra and rituals that could prevent that, but as it seemed there was no hope for Kagome. They said her blood was the dirtiest blood they had come to see. As not to contaminate their land, and nature, and their wives, she had to come here and do her business. 

Moving forward, she stopped in front of the running water and looked at her reflection. The woman she saw there, was not her. At least not the Kagome she remembered to be. Her hair was messy, she had various bleeding cuts on her face and hands, and her skin was sickly pale. But those were not what held her attention. The dark eyes that looked back at her with no emotions in them where scaring her. They say the eyes are the windows to our soul and if that is true, her soul had already passed away, leaving only the physical body behind. She looked so much like Kikyo now, and she hated it. 

Long gone was the Kagome she used to be. Long gone was the joy and happiness she felt when living in harmony with nature. Closing her eyes, she made a decision. It was time to let go. Her body fell forward to embrace the woman in her reflection. Long gone was her will to live. The coldness that surrounded her was soothing and darkness took slowly over. For the first time in a long while she felt like smiling.

 *-*|*-*

 Not far away a tall figure stopped dead in his tracks. He suddenly had  trouble breathing and felt like someone had thrown cold water on him.When pain started to spread in his chest and took hold of his heart, he began to panic. He didn't understand what was going on and in a desperate attempt to get control over his body, he let instincts take over. Just when his soul felt like it was starting to leave his body, the transformation was over and he let out a thundering howl. Within seconds he was moving towards the place that was calling him.

 *-*|*-* 

It had been a week now where he kept watching over her from afar and he didn't like what he was seeing and hearing. He remembered the girl as annoying, loud, and far too trusting, but she always had people surrounding her who cared about her. What happened that changed all that?

She was in pathetic shape, not only physically, but mentally too. She had given up her will to live. Her soul was a pitiful sight, nothing compared to what it used to be. It looked like it was…dying. Trying his best to do something, his instincts guided him in the process of healing. For reasons still unknown to him, he was connected to this human. Until that matter was solved, she wasn't allowed to die. He was able to slowly piece her soul back together by feeding her parts of his own energy. He didn't even know that something like that was possible, until now.

When it looked like she was no longer in immediate danger, he stopped feeding her. He had no interest in an unnecessarily long connection. And it would do no good if others would sense him. 

It took her two more days to recover enough to  leave the hut for the first time. Observing every move she made, he was not surprised to see that she didn't exchange more than some polite words with the villagers. Her movements were sort of mechanic, like her body knew from daily routine where to go, but there was no life in her movements, no strength, no determination at all. She just functioned.

He had always thought of humans as pathetic creatures. Though what he was seeing from that girl Kagome, beat even the low opinion he had formed. She was a rather worthless specimen of a human. He was still convinced that it would do good to cleanse the world of those. 

Annoyed at how those words caused a strange feeling in his gut, he turned around to leave and create some distance between them, when he suddenly heard a pebble flying towards his occiput. Capturing it in his clawed hands, he turned around to see that pathetic girl staring straight into his eyes.

"You have been stalking me for the past week. Might as well come in and drink a tea, Sesshoumaru."

If not for his self control, Sesshoumaru would have cut a grimace at her words and probably ended her life then and there. She might have changed a lot since he had last seen her, but she still had that talent to annoy him to no end. Crushing the pebble to dust, he followed her towards her hut. 

*-*|*-*

True to her words, she started the process of preparing tea. Normally, he appreciated silence though he was not used to it from her. To distract himself before he gave in to the need to say something, he took a look at her home.

It was barely decorated and there weren't any colours at all. Cold was an adequate adjective to describe not only the temperature in her home but the interior too. 

The only adornment was a set of four candles on the table. Did she really think that four candles were enough to warm up a whole hut?

"It's called an Advent wreath." The human girl had finished preparing the tea and sat opposite from him at the table. He had to admit that the tea smelled delicious. Grabbing the cup, he took the first sip.

"Hm. It's doing an insufficient job in warming up your domicile."

For the first time since he dragged her out of that freezing lake, he saw a blush adoring her sickly pale face. She creased her brows and answered with a pout, "Well, obviously it is not supposed to warm a house."

When she didn't continue talking, he became cautious. She seemed to be closing herself off from him. This object was connected to something that was bothering her and it was just his luck that he tried to start a conversation about the candles. He had never been good at conversing.

Just when he thought that it would be better to leave and give her some space, she continued talking. "The four candles you see are part of a tradition I used to follow with my family. The origin of this tradition can be found in Christianity. They celebrate Christmas in the winter, and for every of the four Sundays until the day of festivities, a candle is lit. Although my family never belonged to that religion, we loved to celebrate the tradition, a lot of people did. Christmas is a time where the whole family comes together to spend time with each other all over the world. Even though my family is not here with me physically, I feel connected to them through the candles."

After explaining the meaning behind those candles, she began to nervously wring her hands. Believing that the girl might continue with her story, he kept silent and waited. Though that seemed to make her even more nervous and eventually angry.

With a red face she started to yell,  "Come on, judge me. Tell me that I should be burned at the stake as a witch for daring to celebrate a Christian festivity. Won't you lecture me about how I'm going to end up rotting in hell, because I'm going against buddha?!"

Hiding a grin behind his cup of tea, he gave her some time to calm down. When it looked like her heartbeat slowed down, her told her what he really thought about her tradition.

"Youkai have a very long life span and therefore time has another meaning for us. Years or decades are nothing to us. Sometime we go on doing our business without seeing kinfolk for a few centuries. While I often prefer it that way, I do see the benefits of establishing this sort of day where all come together...and annoy each other."

Considering that conversing was  not one of his strengths, he seemed to have done an acceptable job. The girl was smiling and whispered a teary "Thank you."

"Hm. Tell me more about this Christ-mas."

 *-*|*-*

It was getting dark and Kagome was still looking at the candles with a small smile on her face. Sesshoumaru was the last person she thought she would ever have a conversation with. Yet she did. Although it was mostly her doing the talking, it was kind of nice but…awkward. Who thought that stoic cold hearted bastard would someday drink tea with her and save her soul? 

She still couldn't believe how open he was to the idea of Christmas. With few words he was able to not only lighten her heart but give her hope. Hope that there were still people out there who were willing to try out new things or at least listen to them. He did not judge her. He did not laugh at her.

Her life was in a dangerous downward spiral and if not for him, she would be dead right now. Although a lot of the events that took place that day where still foggy, she knew that it was him who had dragged her out of that freezing lake. She didn't want to think about what would have happened if not for him. Was it really her who attempted suicide? Was she really that weak? Was she that worthless?

Feeling that she was starting to fall mentally into that deep hole again, she focused on the foreign energy that was a part of her now. The energy that was sustaining her and was evidence that Sesshoumaru had deemed her worthy to live and to protect. Holding on to that good feeling, she tried to picture the faces of all the people she held dear to her heart. Today she had to add a new face to her list. A rather pretty one that is. They were worth fighting for. They gave her a reason to wake up every morning and have a purpose in life again. For them she would try to stay strong.

Maybe there was still hope for her after all? 

*-*|*-*

Trying to hold onto her dreams, she failed. Something weird was going on. Focusing on her body, she discovered that Sesshoumaru's energy in her was not circulating smoothly. It was kind of pushing in one direction, like it was trying to leave her body. Since it was not hurting her, she ignored it as best as she could.

Today was Christmas and she had to talk herself into getting out of the futon. She was having a moment again and not feeling stable at all. She hated how weak she was at those moments. Focusing on the snowflakes that were gently falling from the sky, she tried to picture how she  and Souta were playing outside and having fun. She missed her family so much. Even though she tried hard, she couldn't stop the tears that were falling freely now.

In that moment Sesshoumaru's energy in her started to push with more force, like it was urging her to move into that direction. Deciding that it was worth investigating, she prepared to leave her hut. She needed a distraction.

It didn't take her long to find where the energy was leading her. There in front of her was Sesshoumaru clad in...red. His normally stoic expression was showing an emotion: annoyance.

"You are late." Were the words he so kindly greeted her with. Late for what was the question though. It's not like she had planned to meet him today. Waiting for him to continue, she admired his wardrobe. Red suited him well, who would have thought? Although she couldn't understand why he suddenly changed his style. 

Looking him into the eyes, the annoyance on his face had left to the all well known stoic mask. Confused as to what was going on and more importantly what he wanted from her, she was ready to ask him right out, when his next words made her heart stop.

"Me-rry Christ-mas."

Sesshoumaru then took a step to the right and she could see what he was hiding with his body before. Not too far away was a tree. A decorated tree and fireflies were buzzing all around it. She was so afraid it all could just be a dream that she had to touch the tree. She had to feel for herself that it was real. Smelling and touching it, her heart was ready to burst.

It was Christmas and she was not alone, for the first time in years. Bursting into tears for the second time that day, she didn't know how to express her gratitude. He had done so much for her!

Turning around to face him, she tried to think of the right words. It seemed that it was taking her too long because she could see how he started to shift his weight from foot to foot. Was she making him nervous? Of course she was. He did something un-Sesshoumaru-like and her only reaction was  tears.

Still not knowing what to say, she did the only thing that came to her mind. Running towards him, she stretched her hands out and hugged him with as much force as she could.

A whispered, "Thank you," was all she was able to force out of her mouth. She didn't care that he stiffened under her touch. She didn't care that she was ruining his clothes with her tears. She felt like that four year old girl that went out with her father to choose a tree for Christmas on  her own. Contentment. 

And when she felt a hand petting her head all was perfect.

Merry Christmas.