First let me congratulate you for writing and posting the first chapter of your fanfiction on Dokuga, however I would like to offer you some friendly advice. I tried to read your story but found that it was a little difficult because there weren't any paragraphs. To fix the problem you could go back through it and break up that one lengthy chapter into shorter paragraphs. Seperating the dialogue from the narration would also help the story to flow better. You said that there were some grammatical and spelling errors in the chapter, perhaps you could try and find a beta/editor to proof read and correct the mistakes, this will also help in enhancing the quality of your story. Take time to think through what you want to write, pace yourself so that the story does not seems rushed, and please re-read it many times before posting. Good luck with the next chapters.