Let me start by saying that I like your story and the idea behind it. I'm an avid reader and a professional reviewer in certain writing communities. I just joined Dokuga, and I wanted to start reviewing stories to encourage writers to keep up their hard work. The next comments that I'm going to make are intended only to help and never to flame. You should also remember that each reviewer sees your story differently. Take all advice with a grain of salt :)
From reading chapter 1, I can see that you have a talent for writing. Your chapter moves at a good pace, and I can get a feel for the protagonist's characters. My main suggestion would be to work on smoothing our your narrative and evening out the bumps in grammar that you have. There were many fragments, for example, that really distracted me from the narrative and made it feel choppy. Comma splices are also prevalent in your work, and some of the syntax feels awkward.
KUDOS for typing this on your phone. I would never be able to do that, nor would I have the patience. That might be a good reason for why the flow doesn't flow sometimes.I would suggest trying to find a beta reader to help weed out typos and such as well. They can be a great help!
Otherwise, I think you are off to a great start. Don't give up! Keep practicing! You've got an interesting tale in progress here.
I like the sesshy is such a good brother.
best new years gift ever!!!!!!
Episode 4 of Sailor Moon Crystal aired yesterday, if you missed it you can watch it on youtube. Good chapter, keep it coming
| I want more!!
Great chapter, keep it coming.
| And what happened next?? Dont forget to Update soon!
Episode 3 of Sailor Moon Crystal airs this Saturday. This story sounds interesting, keep it coming.
This sounds like an awesome story. I can't wait to see what happens next!
MORE!!
Very good can't wait for it to be continued!
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