BelovedStranger (Chapter 1) - Thu 28 May 2015

Hmm, there are some plot holes and unlikely events in this short story. One, you did not go into detail of just how much longer Kagome lived because of her mating mark with Sesshomaru. It is obviously less than five centuries, though. Another is when Sesshomaru met Kagome in the future. Now that has a whole bunch of plot holes. One, Kagome would have told the ‘past’ Sesshomaru she’d met him in the future (or he would have possibly smelled his future self on her), two, if Sesshomaru interacts with Kagome in the modern area, again the past Sesshomaru would know about it, so that means Sesshomaru would have known that one day in the future, he’d see Kagome again, and three, though he sees Kagome again in the modern era, he can’t have her, can’t be with her because she obviously choose to stay in the past with the younger Sesshomaru.

Don’t get me wrong. This was well-written and very beautiful, touching, too. But it doesn’t ‘fit’. There is not enough information, the story is not long enough to answer all these questions. So because of this, your story comes off as unlikely and unbelievable to me. And then there is Kagome’s dying words. She is too excepting of her coming end. Shouldn’t she be crying and saying how she wished she wasn’t leaving Sesshomaru, that she didn’t want him to be alone and to stay with him? Something along those lines, anyway. I can see she is accepting of her fate, but acceptance does not mean she does not feel regret and sorrow over a fate neither of them can change. So her characterization didn’t really come off as ‘realistic’ to me.

I loved the fact that you have pretty good grammar. I am very anal about writing, so I am pleased to see how well you did on that front. And the word play was lovely, beautiful even, so I did find plenty to enjoy as well. This is one of my favorite lines (even though it isn’t particularly original): Sometimes it seemed that he had stolen an angle from heaven itself, but now heaven wanted her back and he was powerless to do anything about it.

Just goes to show that even often used phrases and imagery can still be powerful and impacting. 


dancingfingers (Chapter 1) - Tue 06 Jan 2015

Wow.

I don't have to time to grieve for Kagome's passing; I was squealing like a schoolgirl when they finally found each other again. *sighs* How romantic.

Anyway, I love how you are able to show the love and deep bond between them. I feel bad for both of them; Kagome at one time will leave him again to time, and Sesshomaru have to wait for her again to be complete. It's good that they have something, or someone they had together: the children. Imagine that if he didn't have any for him while he wait for his mate, it will be more devastating :')

 

-dee


Sesshomaru's Secret Admirer (Chapter 1) - Mon 05 Jan 2015

Hmmmm, I think I would have added more...much more angst during Kagome's dying scene. It is such a sad moment, I felt that it was a bit rushed. But other than that, my heart felt connected to Kagome's kind words. She was so kind and understanding towards Sesshomaru even though she was about to die.

And I guess, for Sesshomaru to meet her again made me feel hopeful. He could once again bask in happieness. And dispite the fact that I don't think Kagome's recarnation is the same as the original Kagome...I am glad you didn't go into detail about that. You just ended the chapter off with Sesshomaru finding happieness.

Well done.


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