A promising piece of writing but through out the chapters from the first to the last there is a reoccurence of punctuation errors that are relatively consistent. You have the basic structure of separating out dialouge between two characters right for example:
From chapter 11: Final Battle, when Sesshy and Kagome talk to one another you've given them separated lines so its easy for the reader to distinguish between whose talking and when.
Example:
“You do not trust Kikyou either huh?” Kagome asked,
“She smells of deceit,” Sesshomaru coldly,
“Are you ready for this miko?” Sesshomaru asked as he climbed on behind her in his human concealment,
Errors:
The dialouge is good, flows naturally, and is short, sharp and to the point. Unfortunately each sentence of dialouge should end with a '.' fullstop and not a comma. It's more of a technical error than a writing one. By using the comma instead of the fullstop it's like each piece of dialouge is a run-on sentence that never ends. Additionally the oddity of lacking a descriptive word in some sentences like the one '“She smells of deceit,” Sesshomaru coldly,' causes some confusion. We know that Sesshy is talking but the word 'coldly' suggests that he has 'said' something with the feeling of intense dislike, i.e. that he doesn't trust Kikyou.
The sentence would be better read if if stated how Sesshy 'said' the sentence like this:
Example: “She smells of deceit,” Sesshomaru replied coldly.
The sentence before it: '“You do not trust Kikyou either huh?” Kagome asked,' might also read better if some of the words if the 'asked' and 'Kagome' were rearranged like this:
“You do not trust Kikyou either huh?” asked Kagome.
You do at some points put in the fullstops at the end of your sentences but many times the comma appears instead, like in this next section from the same chapter:
Quote:
'“Ready as I will ever be, but why are you human?” Kagome confused,
“As to not give away my position as I am escorting you to your location,” Sesshomaru holding her on Ah-Un so she wouldn’t fall off.
“I’m not surprised you make for a very handsome human as well, what is the ring of concealment for anyway?” Kagome asked,
“For protection,” Sesshomaru coolly,'
Explanation:
The lack of fullstops to end the dialouge sentences occurs again. The lack of a word like 'said', 'replied', 'stated', 'declared', 'vowed', and so on also occurs again and again too.
For example the first sentence here describes Kagome as being confused, but what is she confused about?
From the dialouge it seemes that Kagome is confused as to why Sesshy appears to be human but the lack of a descriptive 'speaking' word to describe that she's asking a question makes the sentence redundant. The question mark indicates that it's a question but it might read better if it were like this:
Example:
Original: “Ready as I will ever be, but why are you human?” Kagome confused,
Suggested change: “Ready as I will ever be, but why are you human?” Kagome asked confusedly.
Explanation:
The use of the term 'asked' indicates that she is asking a question, the changing of 'confused' to 'confusedly' indicates that she is asking the question because she is confused by Sesshy's appearance, and the additional of the fullstop at the end shows that the sentence is finished.
The story has promise but the same punctuation errors persist through out the story. Your formating, spelling, sentence structure, and dialouge is good overall but the missing fullstops and lack of descriptive 'speaking' words make it a little incomprehensible in parts.
I would suggest either going back and proof-reading sections, or, asking for the help of a beta-reader to help correct these very minor errors. Overall the ficlet is good it's just the basic little punctuation here and there, and the lack of certain words that leave noticable gaps that make it a little harder to read.
A good ficlet but it needs a little polishing to really shine.
Oooooh!!!! No not the end!!! I will find your next story and read that one as well. I want to know if kagome will survive. And how sesshy's mom found kagome??
Aw nuts! This story is so awesome! I can't wait to read the next part! I hope you have it up soon!
The story was amazing and I enjoyed, I hope Sesshomaru saves Kagome. I can't wait to read the sequel.
Aw! He is starting to care for her. Update soon!
Aw man! I was so hoping that he'd kiss her! Update soon!
Evil chiffie!! I wonder what Sesshomaru needs to do? Update soon please :3
Keep it coming.
Keep it coming.
I hope Kagome can be turned back to normal soon!
Love your story. Keep up the awesome work :D
Szira (Chapter 7) - Mon 13 Aug 2012
Crazy! I was looking over my reviews, seeing if I had read any of the stories my reviewers wrote and I am reading yours! And currently I love it! Eagerly awaiting your updates. :D
I like the idea, after I started reading it I decided I wanted to do something not compeltely mainstream too!
/sitting tight till the next update!
Keep it coming.
Oh that was a mean trick for Sesshomaru to play! Poor little Rin. Still though it was sweet that he's going to let her call him daddy.
Keep it coming.
Keep it coming.
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