Isis (Chapter 1) - Fri 29 Jul 2011

this crappy story was probably written by a teen who just discovered pron. I see that one of my favorite wruters Sugr0o gvae a lovely reveiw with constructive criticism as to help the writter but i feel this story was a joke. its almost like the put it up to be an prankster or something. IT LIKE ALL THER WAS WAS CUMMM!! what was the point of tlking about the bulling and the kikyo n naraku disappeared. this was rushed n sucked srry thats just the truth U SHOULD TAKE SUGAR'S advice she's one of the best writers i have seen on Fanfiction.net n here so take a leason or never write again


sugar0o (Chapter 1) - Mon 18 Jul 2011

well I have to say kinda shocked that you have 3 - 400 reads but no reviews so I'm going to put this put a few things out there, 1 i hope you know that i have no intentions of being mean or a flame, I want all authors to be able to improve themselves so when i review for something like this, i hope you understand that everything i say it meant to be taken constructively.

a] ## times demon speed. As this is fanfiction we have no idea what demon speed is, this kinda broke up the flow you seemed to have with the story
b] there was a lot of spacing and wording that seemed unnecessary. What i mean to say is that you'd have one sentence that would have about 10 words then start another that would have 6. You didn't have a lot of full paragraphs. I'm not saying i'm a grammar nazi, but i felt this seemed longer written word wise because it seemed like instead of hitting space sometimes, you hit enter instead.
c] you brought up a lot of information about naraku and kikyo. It's at least my rule of thumb, and something i like to see other authors do... If you bring a character up, you must conclude them in someway. I realize that they laid a part in obviously showing how tightnit the friends were as a whole, as well as how nerdy SK were, but the fact that you brought them up with so much detail, seems to imply that you should conclude these characters. I'm felt wondering what happened to them. Also you bring Kagome's mother into this mid stream, and while that's fine, i would have loved to have seen her as a supportive mother who had maybe lost kagome's dad someway or another, falling in love with Inupapa. It seemed rushed.
d] AN's break the story up, information given in an AN in the middle of the fic should be some how written in. The fact that kagome was a demon/miko brought to us by an AN, again interrupted the flow of the story.
e] Random Japanese, I'm not usually a fan of it. I get it some times, heck i even do it, but sometimes it's called for othertimes not so much. Kagome and the other females spell words could have just as easily been English, and we all would have gotten it just as well.

I'm again not saying this to be mean, just to inform you of my opinion so that you can become a better author. This was 10 thousand words long, and i think while you could have expanded some of it, you could have cut the fat on it, and it would be just as enjoyable if not more. I hope you don't take this badly, that is not my intention at all. but i read through this and i couldn't help thinking some of these things. I also remember when i started out, and that i still to this day like it when people tell me things that could help me out in the long run. - sugar0o


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