poor kagome!
Now I love this fic but there's a lot of things that make me nuts about it. for one how the flow goes, this is how it should look and how it would be easier for your readers to deal with:
Kagome grimaced as Sesshomaru bangs his fist onto his desk and rose to his feet. “ You were to watch her and insure nothing like this happened Saskue. I was a very simple task and I do not understand HOW you could have failed me this miserably!” Saskue tries to speak but Kagome cuts him off. Tried/Cut
“ It wasn't his fault. I'm the reason we were still at the mall so late in the first place, but I told that guy I was sorry he was just being a jerk about the whole situation.” Sesshomaru glares down at Kagome. Glared
“ It was his right to, act like a jerk, as you say. Bankotsu is one of the four demon overlords that govern these land. Saskue knows the proper customs that have to be observed when dealing with a demon of Bankotsu's caliber, you do not!” Kagome's ears flatten to her head. Flattened
“ Okay so I’ll apologize again, just calm down already.” Saskue clears his throat. “ Allow me to explain My Lord.” He asks turning to Kagome. Asked
“Demons have very strict rules of conduct that have to be observed when dealing with our elders. You are a very new demon, practically a child. Whenever you meet a demon that is older than you and therefore stronger to you, you always have to show them respect. Never look a older demon in the eye. It is seen as a challenge for their place in the demon hierarchy and they will most likely kill you. You can always tell if a demon is more powerful than you, it is ingrained in your genes. You always bow when presented to one of the four demon lords.” Kagome nods. Nodded (in understanding.)
“ So that's why he was so mad, but what did he mean when he said I owed him a debt?” Saskue shakes his head. Shook
“Debts occur when a demon feels they are disrespected by another demon. There are three ways to pay off a debt. Blood, Flesh, or Essence. Blood is when you allow another demon to feed from you. To drink your blood. Flesh can only be considered paid when the person owed the debt and the one who owes them have sexual intercourse. When the share flesh. And Essence is when you allow another to feed from your very life’s blood, your essence. Only the very old can survive paying a debt with their essence. A younger demon will be bleed dry before their debt is even half paid." He says. Said
"From what I observed earlier, Bankotsu will most likely choose flesh as his payment.” kagome looks from Sesshomaru to Saskue. Looked
“No freaking way! I am not sleeping with that guy. That's just... ewwww.”
“ You have no say in the matter woman.” Sesshomaru informs her. Informed
“ So you two expect me to sleep with this guy because I didn't bow to him! That's ridiculous.” she rants shaking her head. Ranted
“ There is a way to take the flesh option off the table.” kagome whips her head toward Saskue. Whipped
"HOW?” She demands. Demanded
“ You would have to be claimed by a demon equal to or more powerful than Lord Bankotsu.” He explains. Explained
“ What does that mean?” Kagome asks. Asked
“ I means that one of the other two demon lords or myself would have to mark you as a either our mate, breeder, or concubine.” Sesshomaru intones dryly. Intoned
“Wait what? Isn't that the same damn thing as paying the debt with flesh!” Kagome demands. Saskue shakes his head at her, Sesshomaru narrows his eyes. Narrowed
“ What will it be Kagome? Will you give yourself to Lord Bankotsu or will you allow Lord Sesshomaru to mark you?” Kagome stares at the floor in dismay. Stared
After several moments of silence Kagomes looks up. “ I choose to be marked.” She declares. Looked/Declared
^^^ While that's "long" it's how it should flow, every time a new person starts talking you need to start a new paragraph/line. The reason for this is we know that the last person that was talking has stoped and another has started.
On top of that, there are a lot of tenses that seem off. Like the 'bold' parts above, your writing like its a play as if the action is happenign RIGHT then rather then something that DID happen. Doing this makes it so much easier for us, and a lot less fusing in reviews. try fixing stuff like that and i'll bet you get more hits and reviews. You have a good story so it just needs a bit of tweaking and it could be great. this is meant to be a crit. so i'm not trying to be mean, just helpful - r0o
Other than punctuation (you need to put a period at the end of each sentence like this "Kagome," Sesshoumaru said. "Blah dee blah blah blah." Notice the comma after Kagome and the period after the last blah.) also you spelled lord wrong in the second chapter. I think you spelled it "Loard" but like I said, besides the spelling errors and punctuation (and I think some plural-usages) this is pretty cute!
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