I certainly wouldn't give up. You have the makings of a great story here, it just needs some fine tuning. I was going to PM you all this but as I never have the time to get back to you, I'm justgoing to throw it all in my review. Please remember this is CONSTRUCTIVE Critisism. And if it feels harsh thats NOT EVER my intention. I DO NOT offer my advice to writers I don't see as having what it takes to beome REALLY good. So the CC should be thought of as flattery, really. Just keep that in mind. Okay.....
You're story have a great premise and the evolution of plot, which I've sussed out, is a good one. However as you write it feels incomplete. It reads more like a writers outline than an actual story. For example, when you wrote "Kagome watched in horror at the scene unfolding before her" you should trying fluffing it up some. Give actual descriptions OF the scene unfolding and how she responds. For example, "Kagome watched in horor at the scene unfolding before her. Imposing dark demon, Naraku grappled with her savior who had lethal claws wrapped around the hilt of his sword. He appeared to be calculating just the right moment to strike. Kagome felt her heart racing in her breast for fear of Sesshomaru's wellbeing. Suddenly air became difficult to catch, making her lighted with worry." It feels like a more complete story when you give these minute details. Those minute details can give away a LOT of information. For exapmle in this little bit that I wrote up in like 30 seconds, you find out that Kagome is conflicted in her emotions towards Sesshomaru. She doesn't like him, but here we can see that she does CARE about his well being. You've hinted at this once or twice, but its never clear enough.
On the issue of being clear, I might also let you know that there is a lot about this story which is VERY confusing. Like I dont understand the timeline. I assumed considering the slavery issue its a historical setting so I invisioned the place they lived in as an old Shiro, but then later you talk about Sesshomaru turning knob of his door (or something to that effect) and so I'm invesioning a western style house then. These are not things readers should be confused on. Again with more descriptions about what going on in the story, this can be explained. For example, the first time Kagome was led to her bath you could have explained what Kagome was seeing on her way. For example "The servant girl, who was quite adorable by anyones standards quietly escorted Kagome to the baths. She was a quite girl, so kagome was left with her thoughts, and took the trip to get a better bearing on her current situation. The castle - her current guilded prison - was magnificant. The halls were wide enough for a small malitia to march side by side through, and were adorned with masterful paintings, lovingly sculpted statues. It seemed the Taisho's were fond of the Edwardian era as so far all that she'd seen of palace was decorated in Blues and browns. Though she rued being here, it was undeniable that her prison had impressive wrappings." okay so in this little bit we get that 1) the location is a castle 2) its most likely in a europian setting, which we get through the location being a castle and the actual description of the place 3) timeline is some time after the edwardian era. 4) that the place she's currently living in is very oppulent 5) kagome is impressed by the palace but she isn't the kind of girl for material things to sway her. Thats a LOT of information, and information that readers NEED to feel full engaged in the story.
Here is something else I'm very confused on: Why do so many different lords live in the SAME palace? Why do they not have their own homes and land? Who OWNS this palace - Sesshomaru and his family? None of that is explained and should have been explain from the get-go.
Also a little more insight into how the characters are feeling and thinking is VERY much needed. Right now we get that Kagome is physically attracted to sesshomaru by that single moment when she was turned on by him. We get that she MIGHT respect him a little because she defended his honor in not taking her virginity. And that she absolutely HATES being a slave. Thats is, and some of that is just surmised rather than well established. The same with Sesshomaru. We get that he respects kagome's fiesty nature. That it also annoys the hell out of him. But how does he feel about HER? And why did he react so horribly when he discovered she was turned on? (What does that say about him? This was a wonderful opportunity to expand on his personality and how he feels and what he's thinking, but you just let it drop.)
In short you've set everything up to create this amazing story but you stop short of actually TELLING that story by not being descriptive and clear enough. THIS is why writing is an art. It has to be fine tuned and its not something that happens over night. You're new to this, and considering that, I'd say you are better than most writers when they first start. You cannot CANNOT give up on this. Its a wonderful story, and you have what it takes to become and amazing writer, if you'll be open to trying my suggestions.
As for the lemon thing - I agree you could add a little more sexyness to it, but thats not to say it needs lemons. Well described moments of sexual tension are sometimes even better than the lemons. And an ill timed lemon will RUIN a good story, flat out.
Tips for lemon writing - now I'm not great at writing these, but I do know a good one when I read it. DESCRIPTION is key! Also, I find lemons that are JUST "he touched here" "she responded like this" "she touched there" "he responded like this" are NOT enjoyable. Some small amount of dialogue hugely contributes as well. If you arent comfortable with anything that might be "dirty talk" then trying other things. its all about timing with this.
Also, I've done this for sseveral other authors on this site (award winning ones, I might add! I'm so proud of them!) They send me exerpts from their next chapter and I bring up issues in the writing that are unclear, or need rewording or more description and dialogue.... i guess you could call me a creative consultant. If you'd like me to do the same for you, I'd be more than happy to assist. Just PM me what you'd like me to look at and give me about 24 hours to get back to you. I only ask for that long because I have two kids and like to really devote my time to what I'm assisting my writers on, rather than split it between taming a tot and feeding an infant.
DO. NOT. GIVE. UP! You're SO good at this, you just need to mature as a writer, which you cannot do without some experience under your belt. I can help with that, if you'll let me. :)
Raelia (Chapter 9) - Mon 20 Jun 2011
Naw... I'm absolutely in love with your story!!
I really, really hope that you'll continue on with it... (hopefully with a lemon, too... haha).
I'm sure that the reason why people aren't reviewing so much anymore is not because they're bored of your story (quite the opposite, really)... but it's probably out of laziness.
Don't worry so much; I hope you'll decide to continue on with it!
Awesome chapter! Sesshoumaru and Kagome get just a bit closer to each other. And the drama of the whole Naraku situation makes for an emotional renwal of respect between Kagome and Sesshoumaru. I love it! Can't wait for the next update!
ssk (Chapter 8) - Sun 19 Jun 2011
please hurry with the updates! i'm addicted! your doing an awesome job. (:
This is such a great story!!!! I love it. I hope nothing happens and sesshomaru rescues her defiant ass.
Well till next chapter :)
I was so excited to see your update! Made my day. I haven't forgotten you. I'll send you a PM chalk full of helpful writing tips and advice. As of recent my children have been pulling the time right out from under me - much like the proverbial rug. But the little buggers are just so darn cute doing it. But to review this chapter: YAY! Naraku! He's so evil but so YUMMY too. He's the bad guy we hate to love and love to hate. The interaction between Kagome and Sesshomaru was so sexy steamy in this chapter. I wasn't sure if he was going to kill her, or throw her down and ravish her! And I dont know if he knew either! lol I also appreciated that you remembered that you wrote Sesshomaru as having already asked a servant of Kagome's new master - I know that seems like "well of course I remember. I WROTE IT!" But authors forget these little details sometimes when getting wrapped up in the larger plot. It was a perfect little twist to the story. Hopefully, Kagome's experience with Naraku will make her appreciate Sesshomaru more - especially if he comes bursting in like a vengeful angel, ready to rescue her. I'm kinda wondering if Kagome might not learn that she could easily manipulate and control Sesshomaru by "playing the part" although obviously still being her fiesty self. Sort of like in taming of the shrew when she learned that men are putty when you're affection, praise, and let them THINK they are in charge. Those interaction would sure be funny - especially when/if Sesshomaru catches on! lol
Great job. Keep it up!
jojo661538 (Chapter 8) - Sat 18 Jun 2011
wow this was a really great story keep up the great work i hope to read more soon ^_^
megan007 (Chapter 8) - Sat 18 Jun 2011
Oh my goodness I am so happy that you are updating very fast, I must say I can't wait to read what Sesshomaru is going to do to kags, "Shuders" LOL I hope he does not hurt her to bad, thanks for clearing it up on Sesshomaru's and Kags Relationship, I am happy that it is not Romance at first, in a way Sextral attractions come first then romance LOL so I am happy about that, i am happy that you are enjoying writing this beautiful story as i am loving reading it.
keep it up girl.
hugs
Megan007
Miss.Undo (Chapter 8) - Fri 17 Jun 2011
| Love it, I can't wait for a long chapter. Please uppdate soon.
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