Not shy about it? You have no idea how hard I am trying to be diplomatic about pointing out these little things, cuz I hate when people point out my errors. It destroys my illusions of perfection. LOL. But when the storytelling is this good, it brings out my anal retentive OCD and I want to see that the technical part of the story matches the quality of the story. Excellence breeds excellence! And you're a damned good writer! And this is a damned good chapter. I wish she could give him one good blast of her power - right in the ass where his brain is apparently lodged!
And, before I forget, I am sorry about your computer. If you would like, I will send you my rubber mallet so you can beat the hell out of it. Now onto the angst:
Beloved Tex, commas really are your friends:
“I and the other guards, along with Ami, have found worth in your breeder and mate. [Parenthetical phrases should be set off by commas.]
I have spoken at length with your breeder, my lord, and I think you should speak to her of the future she hails from and the place of demons in it. [I can't remember the actual rule, nor can I find my English Handbook (I will finish unpacking someday) but when an individual is addressed by another, their name or title or mode of address should be set off by commas as a parenthetical phrase.]
According to her, our kind are merely myths in her world. [Introductory phrases should be followed by commas.]
This news startled Sesshoumaru, though he refused to show it.[Dependent clauses]
He nodded his head at Ami, who was sitting beside Kagome’s futon and rose to leave as soon as he opened the door[,] and stepped into the room. [I don't believe I'm telling you this, but this comma should be deleted, as this is not a series, and the and stands alone.]
His eyes hungrily raked over her [form] and he delighted in the changes he saw. [Just a suggestion, but I would delete the word form here. It isn't really necessary and has already been used in the paragraph.]
Her skin glowed with health and, as he moved his gaze lower, he smirked at the sight of the prominent bump [on] of his mate’s stomach.
Look, I don't want to fill up your entire review page with these little comma transgressions, so, to find out where you should have a comma, read the story aloud and where you pause, that is probably where you should have a comma. Commas are about the flow and clarity of language. If you have a comma in the wrong place, it causes the language to sound choppy, it slows the reading. If you don't use commas, the text can be confusing, as if you had written a series of things but had left the commas out. I'm not going to point out any more commas unless it's something egregious. I have an edited copy of this chapter, just contact me if you want me to send it to you. The following items are things that really need to be considered.
Her health was his utmost priority now that she was carrying.
When her stomach rumbled in hunger, he smirked and stood after one last lingering stroke of his hands across her soft skin.
He saw Kagura’s eyes widen at the sight of Kagome before she bowed and he continued to monitor her as he said
“My honorable Lord Sesshoumaru, while you led your army [into] to victory against Naraku and later all the other lords of Japan, this Jaken kept watch [of] over your great house.
When Jaken bowed and left to carry out his orders, Sesshoumaru focused his attention on Kagura who, he had noticed, kept eying Kagome.
Silently, she wished [to] the demoness luck.
“I do love MY son…but that doesn’t change any of my feelings for you or the situation you’ve forced me into.
Moving to sit with one knee raised so that he could drape an arm over it with the other held his cup in his lap Sesshoumaru replied, “Proceed.” This sounds a little awkward. Perhaps you might prefer: He moved to sit in his favorite position with one knee raised, an arm lying across it, while he held his cup in the other hand now resting in his lap, “Proceed.”
“It matters not. I’m sure that the future you [had] knew is no more.
If she is so foolish as to believe she can thwart my plans for our future then I will deal with her.
“I wish him to see the fate he abandoned you [too] to.
Once again I can tell that you raced to get this down so you could post it, you speed demon, you. I know the comma thing comes from writing so fast. I'm just suggesting that, after you finish the 'I'm done with this chapter' dance in your chair, you read the chapter aloud for comma usage. Remember, where there is a natural pause, that is a spot where there should probably be a comma. Nag! Nag! Nag! You really do have excellent language skills, you just need to be a bit more anal. LOL. I guess that I am the Empress of Anal!
