Angelicatt (Chapter 1) - Sat 13 Mar 2010

Shannah, this story was rushed through so fast that I had to reread it just to make sure I didn't miss anything. Slow it down girl...and explain please. Why was Kagome pretending to be human? Why didn't Sess say something before? What's the background that lead up to her changing. You went from her transformation to them mated with pups and then had Rin die of old age at the end. Where does the dream come into play?? A beta would really help you polish your writing and the idea has promise, it just needs a solid foundation to help it stand.

Sessylove219 (Chapter 1) - Fri 12 Mar 2010

I think of all of you stories that I have read so far that this one needs the most work. First off, you really should get a good beta. Some of the spelling errors you have would get caught by spell check, but some are usage errors (like threw instead of through). You are trying to rush through the story again. Take your time. There is no need to rush. You have a good imagination, let it run free! I like the story line, but this was so hard to read. You should space your dialogue so that when each new person speaks, it is on a different line, it is far easier to read that way. Also, the dream thing doesn't seem to make any sense being in the story at all. Keep up your writing, but try to take some of the advice given to you by all of your reviewers to heart, it will make you a great writer someday.

Scherherazade (Chapter 1) - Thu 11 Mar 2010

A very sweet story.  But it is very rushed.  The story and the characters need more background and development.  Had Sesshoumaru and Kagome been meeting each other secretly?  How did their relationship develop?  Was Kagome hurt by Inuyasha meeting Kikyo?  Why did she hide who she really was from the rest of the group?  There were quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes but those are common and can be easily corrected.  I would recommend getting a beta, every writer can benefit from some help with editing. You have a lot of imagination. Keep writing.



beckyducky (Chapter 1) - Wed 10 Mar 2010

goodness…your fic was so comical!!  My favourite line was the last one “They became sad when Rin died but they still lived happy.”  I don’t know if it was your intention, but your fic read like a spoof of other fics with the same general storyline that’s pervasive in the sess/kag fandom: the whole “inuyasha-disses-kagome-and-leaves-her-for-kikyo” thing. 

There were some issues with dialoguing: when a new person is talking, start a new paragraph – it makes for easier reading. ^__^

The dream sequence seems kind of non-sequitur after Sesshoumaru standing up for Kagome.  Maybe you should start the fic with the dream sequence instead of placing it in the middle.  I think you should also clarify how Kagome is a demon when she was just a human girl living in the modern era…

Your fic was a little confusing, but nothing a good revision won’t fix.

ducky out.

Hairann (Chapter 1) - Wed 10 Mar 2010

Story could use a bit of work, first and foremost it is way too rushed and needs more details.  Other than that, just some basic story flow problems such as remembering to only have one person talking/thinking in a single paragraph, always write out any number 10 and under (should be four not 4), stay away from words or sentences in full caps and I noticed a repeated spelling error...'sence' is spelled 'sense'.

Ikaru (Chapter 1) - Mon 08 Mar 2010

you really need to slow down in your story telling and describe things more, this story was so rushed i really couldnt get anything from it as i was trying to figure out why everything was happening. you have a good base for a story, perhaps you could try to stretch it out the plot and describe the background better, i wish you luck in your future stories.

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