Hey there, first things first, I wanna say you have a great start to a story here, your original characters and descriptive abilities are top notch. How ever your story seems a bit rushed, everything is moving so fast it is really hard to grasp just what is really happening in the scene. Also you tended to clump chunks of conversation together, with more than one person talking in each paragrah you really have to read into it to figure out just who is who, it is wise to spread out dialoge and be specific as to who is speaking. Take your time with your writing and be sure to use your talent for writing detail to its fullest. You have an excellent start here, and with a little bit of editing you will turn this rough bit of stone into a shining diamond...I wish you all the best and will be looking forward to more of your work in the future.

The first paragraph really set the scene well, it was like a movie running in my mind.  You have a gift for description.  Your story line is intriguing and your original characters, interesting. i especially enjoyed the interaction between Sakura and Kouga.  

However, I feel your story is a bit rushed, especially after the first chapter.  Draw the action out a bit more.  Use your gift for description fully and give a little more background for both the plot and your oc.  Avoid titling paragraphs with things like flashback or point of view, because it interrupts the flow of the tale.  Instead try using a transitioning sentence to indicate that a flashback is about to happen, such as: Sakura thought back to when she first met Kagome. Also don't use all caps for emphasis, it has the same affect as titling paragraphs and is disruptive to the piece.  If a word or sentence needs to be emphasized use punctuation and describe what is happening with the characters thoughts, facial expressions or body language.  Watch out for repetitive phrases or words.  In the first chapter you used the word female quite a lot.  Switch off using different words that mean the same thing like girl, woman, lady, demoness even the characters name throughout each paragraph.  I would check into getting a beta.  Every writer benefits from having another person to help bounce ideas off of as well as edit.

Your a talented writer with and this is a very entertaining story.  I hope you will continue it.

The original characters are amazing...killing off everyone else was a bit much to take in at first but I like this fiesty, independant Kagome alot. However, there are some spelling and sentence structure issues and alot of the dialog is just kind of jumbled together. A beta would help greatly with these mistakes as well as help you with the word flow. One other thing that bothered me was that you center aligned the 3rd chapter - don't ever do that. It makes it even more difficult to read.

Take some time and outline the rest of the story, chapter by chapter...keep up with the detailed descriptions, space out the conversations and add some backstory into our 4 main heroes. I'll be looking forward to reading more of it.

Ducky here!  I think you have a great starting point for a fic.  The idea is reasonably catchy (I say reasonably only because the story seems to focus a lot on Sakura and not enough on Kagome) and the plotline seems to be moving along well.  However (oh great, the dreaded ‘however’), I think you can do a much better job by fleshing out your chapters. 

I’m not gonna lie – so far, everything seems kinda hectic.  I followed the first three chapters relatively easily, but you do want to watch out for WALL OF TEXT. 

Now, this is one of my pet peeves, so I will address this.  Whenever there is a shift in character dialogue, always, always, ALWAYS begin a new paragraph, line, section…etc.  Do not clump them together in one paragraph.  It makes for some confusing reading. 

I like the idea of Sakura and Koga getting together.  Sakura is like an extreme version of Kagome: kickass, feminist (lol), and terribly independent – a marked contrast to the women in that time.  So pairing her with Koga is pretty interesting to say the least. 

Now your fic has some great potential.  I would only advise that you take lots of time writing the chapters and extend the kidnapping of Kagome maybe 2-3 chapters.  There are relatively few technical mistakes (grammar/spelling, wall of text notwithstanding), although I would recommend getting a beta to fix some awkward sentences.  Keep on writing!

ducky out!

I think this was very interesting, although at the beginning, there were some issues with flow, like when you said "brushing back her raven colored tresses back from her eyes". You could have just said brushing her raven-colored tresses from her eyes, and it would have not sounded quite so awkward. There were several places with the same type of issues, but other than that and some small spelling errors that a beta or spellcheck could pick up, I think you have a lot of talent and imagination. Good job!

Very interesting start. I like the plot it's very creative. You had a few spelling/grammer issues, but not too bad. The flow was off in a few places. Maybe getting a beta would help. I think you have a wonderful start and I would like to see where you take this.

A very good start for this story, you do a really good job on descriptions, though I would suggest being careful not to start too many sentences the same way in a row, such as 'She did this, She did that', as it can break up the otherwise beautiful flow. Also I would recommend staying away from any word in all caps, especially a full sentence. And try not to have more than one person talking or thinking in the same paragraph, I'd suggest starting a new line for each new person.  But other than that, your story has a lot of potencial and can't wait to see where you go with it.