Lessons In Stealing by Starfyre

Lessons in Stealing

Kagome had a problem. It wasn't really a big problem. At least when you looked at it in the grand scheme of things. Compared to her upcoming tests in high school, or tracking down Naraku who had most of the Shikon in his possession, this was certainly a small problem.

However, to one who only allowed herself a few rare pleasures, it was in fact a problem. Kagome had long since stopped attempting to carry chocolate, as cleaning the melted, sticky, nasty remains out of the bottom of her bag and off of everything that it melted to, just was not worth the trouble, time or headache. Especially since most of the time she didn't get to eat any of it any way before it melted into said mess.

She had alternately begun carrying gummi bears. Even if they melted on occasion, they quickly resolidified into an edible mass. She took the time to separate them by color into individual bags so that she could always find the flavor she craved at the moment, and if one group melted, it wasn't a bizarre mass of colors and flavors.

The problem was, some one was stealing her gummi bears. She had suspected for a while that someone else was 'helping' her eat them. Now, her five pound bag worth of gummi bears had vanished in less than three days and she had only had three handfuls in the last week. Unfortunately, gummi bears did not leave much evidence when devoured by some greedy pig that she called a friend.

She glumly eyed her companions. It wasn't Kilala. The fire cat had no interest in gummi bears even when offered the chewy treat by Sango. Speaking of Sango, Kagome cut her eyes to the slayer. She was polishing her boomerang. It couldn't be her. Most of the time she refused to eat them, worried that if she gobbled too many that she would gain too much weight and not fit her armor properly. It had happened once. Kagome had brought a bunch of sweets and treats and the two girls had truly pigged out. Since then, Sango was careful about ingesting too much of anything the miko brought back.

That left her with three suspects. Shippo had an entire mouth full of youkai sweet tooths, er sweet teeth? Whatever. The kit could do some serious damage to candy. He had raided her gummi bears before when she had run out of lollipops and pocky to fend him off with. It couldn't be Shippo though. She still had enough pocky and suckers to fend him off for at least another week. Well, that whittled it down to just two people. The monk, and the hanyou.

Kagome eyed each one in turn. InuYasha was selfish enough to do it. He was also a glutton with anything edible and store bought. Heaven forbid he show that kind of zealous for her cooking! The jerk. Although the last time he had dared to steal her personal stash of sweets, she had sat him so hard, for so long that it had literally taken him an hour just to wake up, and three days to be able to walk without resembling her grandpa with a severe thunderstorm rolling in.

The monk on the other hand was rather devious. Although she had never seen him show any real interest in her gummi bears when she didn't offer to share. He was eager to partake of them any time that she did offer. She had never known him to take anything from her without her permission. Well, that wasn't completely true. He had taken her part of the jewel and her bike when they first met. He even kidnapped her just before that too! But that had been so long ago. Would he really start stealing her gummi bears? Or was it InuYasha?

Kagome sighed heavily. It wasn't fair. How could she explain to Momma that an entire five pound bag of gummi bears had already been eaten and she needed not just one, but apparently two more already?! Her mood darkened further. There was no way that InuYasha would let her go back so soon. He, after all, still had plenty of ramen. In fact, everyone still had plenty of their favorites left. Everyone but her. Chewing slowly on gummi bears while she studied helped her focus. Not only that, they wouldn't pull out the filling in her back tooth if it got knocked loose like it had that one time. That was why she had stopped bringing gum. That was too painful of an experience to repeat. Ever.

She pouted for the rest of the night as she continued to try to figure out who had done this and why. As well as how she would explain it to her mother when she did finally get to go back home again.

~*~

A week and a half after discovering all of her gummi bears missing, the miko finally crawled through the well, and up the ladder on her side of the time portal. It had been the week and a half from hell as far as she was concerned. She was positive that it had to be either that conniving jerk, Miroku, or that insufferable jerk, InuYasha.

Shippo's suckers and pocky had vanished not two days later, followed by Sango's cookies the very next night! All three events had been discovered shortly after the three victims returned from a bath. Since Sango and Shippo both bathed with her, it couldn't have been either of them. There just had to be a way to catch the jerk in the act, or something!

Sango had borne up well under the stress, suffering in silence like Kagome had. Shippo, however, was a different story. Every time the boy had remembered his candy was gone without the slightest explanation, he had cried, pouted or become a holy terror. All of which had caused her to refuse to return sooner to get more, not that InuYasha had suggested that, at least not until four days of torment had passed.

The kit had turned his vengeance upon the monk and hanyou in the form of pranks. Although InuYasha had taken the brunt, Miroku currently had black teeth and would for the next five days. Kitsune ink stained very well, considering the effects would not wear off for two full weeks. Miroku had surely tried to scrub his teeth back to a normal color, but had only succeeded in spreading the ink to his fingers and even parts of his robes.

It was only part because the kit was doing a decent job of punishing whom ever the culprit was that she wouldn't agree to go back early. The other parts were that she just could not bring herself to ask her mother to spend more money to replace what had been wrongfully taken. The other part being that she wouldn't reward Shippo's tantrums by giving him what he wanted.

"Momma! I'm home!" Kagome called as she opened the door and removed her shoes.

"Welcome home, dear!" Misses Higurashi smiled warmly as she came out of the kitchen.

"I'm so glad to be home!" Kagome exclaimed without thinking.

"Oh? What happened, dear? Did you and InuYasha have an argument? Was someone injured? I hope everyone is alright," Misses Higurashi questioned worriedly.

"Oh, no! Everyone's fine Momma. Just, well, some one took all of my gummi bears, and Shippo's suckers and pocky, and Sango's cookies! That was over a week ago!" Kagome's shoulders sagged dejectedly.

"Oh my! How awful! We'll just have to get you more. Why didn't you come home sooner? I would have gladly replaced them," her mother chided gently with a loving smile.

Kagome shook her head, "I couldn't ask you to replace something that someone in my group stole! That's not fair to you!" she exclaimed before sighing, "Besides, if I rushed home and got more, they would probably just do it again."

"One of your friends took the candy? Are you sure?" The elder questioned, surprised.

Kagome nodded, "Yeah, it only happened when Sango, Shippo and I went for a bath. It had to be Miroku or InuYasha. But I don't know which one! I can't think of a way to catch either of them!" She lamented.

Misses Higurashi had a thoughtful look for a moment before it became decidedly wicked and knowing, "I think I have just the thing," she stated firmly.

Kagome shivered at the foreign look on her mother's face. She had no idea her sweet, loving mother could wear such a throughly frightening and devious look.

"W-what did you have in mind, Momma?" Kagome questioned quietly.

"I'll show you, come with me," she asked before turning and walking quickly to the small office with the only computer in the house sitting on a desk surrounded by papers and files concerning the shrine, and the family bills.

Kagome watched as her mother quickly logged onto the internet and brought up a web page and searching for something. After a few short minutes she turned to her daughter with a gentle smile.

"Read the reviews about this dear. Let me know if you think that it might work to catch the culprit red handed so to speak," she smiled that creepy smile again before leaving her daughter to the assigned task.

Curious now, Kagome sat down and began reading the reviews like her mother had said. Slowly her eyes began to widen, before the creepy smile her mother had worn graced her face as well. This was perfect!

~*~

The morning of the fourth day of being home, Kagome was practically dancing as she finished packing her bag. She and her mother had carefully prepared her bag for the perfect trap. As she placed the last of the items into her bag that she would need for the next two to three weeks that she would be gone she went over her mental list to be sure that she hadn't forgotten anything.

She was excited to get back and find out just who it really was that was stealing from her. She needed to calm down or she would make which ever male it was suspect that she was up to something. Finally ready for her return to the past, she hefted the overstuffed bag onto her shoulders with a grunt, and tromped out of her bedroom and down the stairs.

She heaved a sigh as she finally reached the front door. She slipped on her shoes, and tapped the toes against the floor to ensure a comfortable fit. She hated when her sock scrunched or wrinkled under the ball of her foot. It was annoying and eventually painful.

"Momma, I'm leaving!" Kagome called over her shoulder.

Her mother appeared from the kitchen with a smile, "have a safe trip dear. Let me know how it goes, and this time if you have anything go missing, don't hesitate to come home. I don't want you going without, even if it's just candy."

"I will, Momma! Bye!" Kagome answered as she rushed out the door and turned towards the well house.

~*~

For the last week and three days, she had waited. And waited. And waited some more. She was starting to wonder if maybe some how she had been wrong about it being one of her friends. But if it wasn't them, then who could it have been? She shook her head. They were the only ones that made any sense, the only ones with access.

She sighed. It had been a long week, er week and a half. Sesshoumaru had joined them with his tiny group just two days after she returned. Maybe his presence had kept the culprit from repeating the offense? It made sense really. After all, he would undoubtedly question someone getting into her bag while she wasn't there.

He certainly held personal space in very high esteem. That extended to personal belongings, seeing as Rin and even Jaken asked before getting into the two headed dragon's saddle bags unless they were told to get something out. It was rather stupid that the annoying imp asked if he could retrieve the smell goop for oiling the dragon's gear from the saddle bag every other night. He was always answered with a brief glance and a curt nod.

It was possible that tonight would finally be the night. Sesshoumaru had left just before the girls and Shippo had gathered their supplies to venture to the hot springs for a nice hot soak. She could certainly hope that the criminal would strike while the opportunity was there. Rin had even been so kind to explain that Sesshoumaru probably would not return until tomorrow, though she did not know where he went.

All she could do was wait and see. After all, it was really only a matter of time.

~*~

Just as Rin had said, Sesshoumaru returned the next day. Though once he had, Kagome was sorry that he would be present for what was coming. She hoped that he did not decide to killing anyone, especially her. Everyone in the camp had woken just before dawn to not one but two very painful sounding groans.

Kagome had been confused at first. Miroku and InuYasha were both looking ill. Upon examining them, her mother's plan had returned to her. She had checked her bag and sure enough, 'her' gummi bears were gone. All five pounds. She had cackled evilly just as Sesshoumaru re-entered the clearing that they had camped in.

"Miko, what do you find humorous? Should you not be tending to the pack members that have clear need of healing?" He had demanded.

"Actually, they brought this onto themselves, the thieving pigs," she smirked. She explained quickly the stolen candy and cookies before he had joined them. A perfect brow rose into his hairline as he examined the groaning males again.

It was nearing noon, and they had made no move to leave seeing as they had two men that could do nothing but whimper in pain from the excessive bloating they were suffering. The children were playing in a field near by with Jaken, Ah-Un, and Kilala watching over them or playing with them. Well, Jaken was more or less being tortured by them. Kagome was buried in her studies, and Sango was preparing lunch. Sesshoumaru was just sitting. It was hard to decide what he was doing.

Sesshoumaru stood suddenly. A minute later InuYasha was cussing as he struggled to rise. Ah-Un and Kilala were rushing the children back towards camp, each with a mouth full of clothes of a small body. The dark and rather lame 'evil' laughter rolled from the trees around their camp a moment after the children, imp, dragon, and cat reached the miko's side.

Kagome had barely grabbed her bow and quiver in time. Sango abandoned the food and fire, but had not had time to change for battle. She held her weapon at the ready.

Naraku, or at least his puppet laughed again.

"Well, well, well," he called from his hiding place.

A displeased look tilted the corners of the DaiYoukai's mouth down as his eyes shifted to three specific directions around them. They took it as the warning it was. There were at least three puppets or minions surrounding them. Kilala moved to stand beside song.

"I certainly did not expect you to poison your own allies. Was this to finally be rid of the half-breed so you could up grade to his brother, perhaps?" the oily voice called.

Kagome frowned, "That isn't going to work!"

"Get out here and face me!" InuYasha practically screamed, "I could take ya on my worst day!"

Without warning, tentacles lashed out and wrapped around the mouthy hanyou. The pressure around his bloated stomach made him scream, this time in pain. Kagome's heart twisted, knowing that it was at least partly her fault.

"InuYasha!" she called.

Naraku's sorry attempt at an evil laugh rang out again.

Sesshoumaru snarled, "Enough! Show yourself!"

"As you wish," Naraku conceded.

Three puppets launched themselves into the clearing from the trees. Sango moved to take on one, as Sesshoumaru struck out at another. Kagome fired her first arrow of the battle. Everyone froze a mere two minutes later as the loudest fart they had ever heard over powered the ruckus of the fight. InuYasha yelped and sighed in relief at the same time, only to gag a moment later.

"Oh my God!" he practically cried as his eyes began to water, and he shook his head violently trying and failing to free his nose of the stench he had released. The puppet that still held him attempted to laugh again, only for a heartbeat later to recoil from the same stench.

As it choked, it dropped the afflicted male and stumbled back. Another stunningly loud fart, yelp and sigh left the dog eared male as he hit the ground. InuYasha gagged and jumped away. He landed close to Kagome, only to release another loud trumpet of sound as the most heinous fumes were freed from his backside.

"InuYasha! That's just gro-! Oh My God! Get Away!" Kagome screamed as she turned tail and ran from the smell he had released. Unfortunately, she stumbled to stand beside Miroku just as his own loud fart broke out.

"Oh thank Buddha," he groaned. And then they smell hit him, "I take it back!" he screamed as he scrambled as quickly away from the scent as he could.

Sesshoumaru whimpered, as he was only a few feet away. If the sound was painfully loud enough to cause him distress, the smell! Oh heavens the smell! It was like week old vomit in summer in the middle of a rotting battlefield during a heat wave! His vision blurred as his eyes watered. He grabbed the currently gagging miko, and leapt away. He dumped the disoriented girl onto Ah-Un's back, before placing both the children into the saddle as well.

"Kagura!" Naraku's puppets all screeched at once.

Both Miroku and InuYasha had practically blanketed the clearing in the most vile stench imaginable as they tried to escape not only their own individual horror, but each other's as well.

A blast of wind swept down from the sky. Seconds later everyone screamed in horror. It had only helped to spread the smell more evenly.

Little Rin turned greener than Jaken, and Shippo passed out where he sat. Sesshoumaru snatched a nearly hysterical Kagome, and buried his nose into, uncaring what part, so long as it blocked out the God awful stench. Kagome, had barely finished tying her uniforms tie around her face to block her nose. Oh, Kami! She needed to learn to survive without air! She couldn't even bring herself to be upset about the nose buried in shirt right between her breasts. She couldn't imagine how much worse this torment was on Sesshoumaru!

Sango had gotten her slayer's mask on but that wasn't even enough! It dulled the smell, but nothing more. And they were both still farting! Naraku's miasma smelled better!

Kilala refused to get low enough to inhale even the slightest bit of that putrid nightmare. Sango would just have to suffer through whatever the mask didn't block. Ah-Un was in the same position high into the sky with the children on their back.

Sango flung her Hiraikotsu with all the force she could muster given the fact that she could barely see passed the tears, ad was doing everything she could not to breathe the toxic fumes that surrounded them. She found herself wishing that InuYasha would suddenly rush off to see Kikyo if only to spare the poor slayer's nose. She regretted wishing this on any other being short of Naraku. No one else deserved such torture.

She took out two of the three puppets, before the third quite simply ran away from the smell.

"That's disgusting!" it screamed as it fled.

"Wow!" Came Kagome's muffed shout, "Even the puppet couldn't take any more!"

With the danger gone, they all scattered. Miroku and InuYasha running from themselves, while everyone else ran from them.

Sesshoumaru didn't release her until they reached the hot spring. He drop armor and swords in record time before jumping in fully clothed. With Kagome still braced against his face. How he managed to travel to the spring without looking, she didn't know, but considering how the smell seemed to cling, she wasn't about to complain about the impromptu bath.

"Miko," he nearly growled at her once he surfaced, "You will explain what other horrors will come from whatever stupidity caused that..., that..., that!"

"W-well," She began with a blush, "once the gas passes, they will have very powerful, uncontrollable diarrhea that will last them several hours. They won't be stealing anything from me again anytime soon, if ever. Who knew sugar free gummi bears could become something so revolting!"

"This one shall assume that both males are a threat to the pack until such events have... ended," He stated firmly. He began pealing off the layers of sodden silk.

"Strip, Miko. This one will not tolerate that foul odor remaining upon you any longer than necessary," he demanded.

Kagome's eyes widened, "But! I'll be naked! In the hot spring! With you! And! And you're getting nak-!" She protested loudly.

A flash of claws, and the scraps of cloth that were left began floating around her in the water. She squeaked and covered herself as best as she could. Her backpack was still in the clearing.

"Much better," Sesshoumaru purred with a smirk as the last of his own attire was tossed to the shore. After all, she had a wonderful scent that not even the foulest odor could hide, that was worth more than anything else in the world to an inu youkai. His idiot brother could steal children's candy, it mattered not to him. The DaiYoukai had something much better in mind to take from the whelp.

~*~

By the time the sun rose, InuYasha and Miroku were both curled in the fetal position sobbing. The liquid that had raced from their bottoms had been the equivalent of passing Sesshoumaru's poison and Naraku's miasma. Neither wanted to see let alone taste another gummi bear in their lives! While those bears had looked, and even tasted the same as all of the ones before, they had clearly been created in hell. There was no other explanation.

AN: The End! Yes really, I will not be continuing this little bit of insanity. This is not Betaed, so please excuse any errors.

For those of you who are wondering: This bit of crack fic is from reading this:

http://slightlyviral.com/beware-sugarless-gummy-bears-on-amazon-com/

I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. I don't think that this story really came out (no pun intended) the way I had originally planned, but I just couldn't stop myself from attempting to write a quick one shot. Now I'm back to homework.

For those of you that have questions about my chapter stories: I have not forgotten them! I'm slowly writing a new chapter for both Blood in the Water and Borrowed. I just have a lot going on at this time.

Including promoting Education and Awareness about Epilepsy! If you have any questions about Epilepsy, please contact me. I have a wealth of information as well as a very willing Neurologist to help answer questions! : )

~Starfyre