To Go Onward by kaoruhana

Acceptance

Prompt: Sakimitama- Love

   * * * * * 

     “Shh, there Kagome.  It’ll be all right darling.  It’ll be okay.”  Mrs. Higurashi ran a soothing hand down her daughter’s back holding her as she cried. 

     When Kagome had come home earlier in her mentor’s arms, she had been a sobbing mess.  Mrs. Higurashi had taken her daughter and, with an ease that came only from years of nursing her daughter’s emotional wounds of eras bygone, had taken her upstairs and tucked her into bed.  After the first bout of tears, Kagome had told her what had happened.  She had told her of the patient she was taking care of, the man who had been helping her get through the ordeal, and the pain she felt. 

     Now, Kagome sat in her bed, ensconced in a pair of her favorite sweats and a t-shirt.  She was so lost and it scared Mrs. Higurashi more than she would admit.  She had come close to losing her daughter years ago when Kagome had been found as a broken bloody mess in the old well.  She was loath to leave her daughter at the moment.  What if Kagome was lost to her during the scant few minutes she went downstairs?  But Mrs. Higurashi knew her daughter needed space.  With a kiss on the brow, she left the young woman to go downstairs and make dinner. 

     A short while later, Mrs. Higurashi moved to open the front door to her house intent on telling off the person behind it for being impatient.  She caught herself however as she got a good look at the person in front of her.  He looked normal, if young, and was wearing a statoscope around his neck.  This, she realized, was a colleague of Kagome’s.  As she moved aside to let him enter, she realized why he was here having recognized the man her daughter spoke about.  In fact, she knew, that this man was going to soon leave and this time take her daughter with him. 

     “Why don’t you come inside?  Dinner’s ready.  I’ll go get Kagome.”  Her words were said with a practiced ease that the doctor took in stride.  He sat himself down on the sofa in the living room watching his host disappear up the stairs to retrieve her daughter. 

     Mrs. Higurashi found Kagome in the same position she had left her.  Her tears had stopped- a natural reaction- but her face still held that expression of longing and sadness.  She approached the young woman and touched her arm, startling her, but catching her attention.  Kagome’s eyes were eerie- bloodshot and blue at the same time, while her face had lost quite a bit of color.  It frightened Mrs. Higurashi.  She wanted to help Kagome but had a feeling that like the moment with Hojo, this time too, someone else would help her daughter. 

     “There’s someone at the door for you.”  The younger woman looked up at her mother in curiosity before moving off the bed. 

     “Who?”  She asked softly. 

     Mrs. Higurashi gave her an arm to help support her down the stairs.  “I think it’s Matsunaga-sensei.” 

     The two made their way to the living room where Akira was waiting.  He looked at Kagome as she arrived and silently waited to see what she would do.  In his apartment, or in the hospital, it had been the two of them and any onlookers who knew had some inkling of their relationship.  He wasn’t sure what was and what was not allowed in this house.  He didn’t have to worry however.  Kagome launched herself into his arms as soon as she saw him and her mother let her. 

     “Why did he gave to go Akira?”  She asked through her dry sobs.  She had forgone the honorific in her sadness and he let it slide as he embraced her.  He had no answer to give her so he held her as she leached off his comfort. 

     “Will you stay for dinner or are you leaving now?”  It was Mrs. Higurashi who spoke now. 

     Akira turned curious eyes to the elder woman who had confused him with the question.  Surely, she wasn’t suggesting he take Kagome?  She was grieving and he thought that it was only right she grieve with her family.  Kagome wasn’t answering and he didn’t know what to say.  Did he go now?  Or did he go after they both ate a nice home-cooked meal? 

     He cleared his throat.  “Kagome-san, do you want to eat?”  The young woman moved her face away from his shoulder to meet her mother’s gaze.  Her mother understood but it must have hurt when she launched herself on Akira so readily.  Still, she wasn’t that hungry. 

     “I… I can try.”  Mrs. Higurashi nodded, the message clear.  She had taken care of Kagome when she was like this before and her daughter knew better than to not take care of her own body in her grief. 

     “Come then, I’ll give you both bowls of udon.  After that, I suppose you want to leave.” 

     Kagome ate her noodles quickly.  She was apparently hungry, which made sense.  She had skipped lunch, her grief having been too poignant at that time for her to be able to stomach anything.  Akira ate his slower, with a bit more manners. He still felt a little uncomfortable in the Higurashi house.  He had come to visit a grieving friend but instead, Mrs. Higurashi had shown how she had wisdom beyond her years as she let him take Kagome away.  He realized what the elder woman was telling him: Kagome needed his comfort and touch now, not her mother's. 

     When they stood to go a while later, Mrs. Higurashi pulled on his arm.  “Take care of her for me.  I don’t know if she knows it yet, but she’s not mine to take care of any longer.” 

     Akira averted his eyes to the floor as the meaning sank in.  Mrs. Higurashi was giving Kagome to him in the only way she knew how.  She was a traditional woman who adapted to the times.  And right now, she had seen through his actions and given her acceptance of them.  It gave him some hope in this bleak time. 

     “I’ll take care of her.”  He promised as she let go of his arm.  “We’ll be back tomorrow.” 

     The ride to his apartment was silent with no words said and only the sound of traffic breaking the silence around them.  Akira led her upstairs, a hand of hers tucked in his, for comfort and for balance, and unlocked the door to his apartment.  She walked in first, her eyes and feet finding the sofa as she dragged herself over. 

     He didn’t know what to do now.  He had held her and given her gestures of comfort- platonic gestures such as a squeeze of the hand, a pat on the back, hugs.  But what was he supposed to do now?  So he waited to see what she would do.  The silence was gnawing at his bones and the hurt in her eyes made him only too aware of the pain in his own chest.  He was tired.  He was tired of death and medical research, and consoling others. 

     “Akira-san,” Kagome began blinking her blue eyes up at him, “hold me tonight.” 

     He sputtered.  “Kagome-san?”  He read underneath the lines of what she was saying.  She didn’t want to be held, she wanted to forget about the grief from today and find comfort in touch.  He knew that if he did what she was asking things would escalate quickly and as they stood, he wondered if she realized the implications of what she was asking. 

     “Hold me tonight Akira.  Kiss me, touch me, just… please make me forget for a moment.” 

     Akira hitched a breath as he collapsed onto his knees in front of her.  His head hit her feet and his hands reached to find hers on the sofa.  He couldn’t do this to her.  He had fallen in love with this ethereal being in front of him and he couldn’t give her just a night.  It would kill him and it would make her guilty later.  A hand threaded through his hair while another coaxed his watch away from his wrist.  He felt his features change and pulled his head up to look at Kagome in his true hanyou form.    

     “I need this Akira and you know you need it too.  Please.”  Akira felt his resolve crumble because she was right.  It would kill him but he’d find a way to make things right.  He still had time with Kagome, time enough to woo her and maybe have her fall in love with him. 

     His lips met hers in a bruising kiss.  Nothing about tonight would be soft or sweet.  It would be a series of touches and strokes.  It would be teeth and hands and lips.  This night wasn’t a night about taking the time to pleasure each other and get to know each other’s hidden secrets.  He moved back, causing her to lean into him and slid up onto the arches of his feet, making the kiss deeper before the pain of the position made itself relevant.  Pulling away, he took note of her dark eyes and panting breaths. 

     He let out a sigh and closed his eyes.  “Go to my room- Just… just give me a minute.”  She pulled away from him, the feeling of her warmth fading with her, and he stood.  Going into the kitchen, he poured himself a few cups of sake.  If he was going to get through this night, he needed something in him. 

     When he arrived in his room a few minutes later, Kagome stood by the bed.  She had shed her sweatpants and shirt and stood only in her underwear.  It was the first time she was spending the night at his place and both of them knew and wished that it was under different circumstances.  Two hands snaked around her waist and she hitched a breath before she allowed herself to relax into the hold.  It should have felt weird to her, but it didn’t.  instead, she found herself turning in Akira’s arms and meeting his lips for a kiss. 

     She wasn’t sure what the night implied to them.  She was comfortable with who she was and what she shared with Akira but she was still scared.  Kagome didn’t want to alter any of the things that made this relationship so special.  Their bond was different since it had started and ended with sad news.  She didn’t want to lose the trust and comfort she had with him right now.  But she wanted and needed this moment.  Her hands found purchase on his back and she realized he was still wearing clothes. 

     She pulled at the shirt.  “Off.”  She panted as his mouth moved down to suck on her pulse and undo her bra. 

     He obliged her demands and pulled away a little watching her hands undo the shirt.   Taking her hands off his shirt, he let them rest at her sides and quickly stripped out of it and his undershirt.  He slipped out of his pants as well leaving him in only his underwear before he cornered her against the wall they had backed up against. 

     “Kagome.”  His voice didn’t catch her attention so he tried again.  “Kagome look at me.”  She followed his request to meet his eyes. 

     “What does this mean?”  She finally asked hitching a breath as he pushed her against the wall and her breasts collided with his chest.  She’d been intimate with others before but this was different.  She genuinely cared for Akira and she didn’t want their actions to hurt their relationship. 

     “It means what you want it to mean.”  Akira stated running a simple hand over her face. 

     “Comfort.”  She replied her hands tugging him closer again.  He nodded leading her to the bed and giving them both what they needed, if just for the night. 

     When Kagome woke, she recalled the happenings of the night before.  Her body felt calm but her heart still ached and her legs hurt.  She turned to her side and a part of her was stunned to see the bed occupied by Akira still.  He hadn’t left her alone like she had expected.  The shame from last night’s actions permeated her thoughts and she felt guilty for using him in such a way. 

     “I’m… I’m sorry.” 

     Akira moved to sit up.  “I’m not.” 

     The words surprised her and she was genuinely confused.  Last night, she had used a friend to forget her own pain and troubles and no matter what Akira said or did, she wasn’t going to let this apology slide.  It was true that he had been there for her when Sesshomaru had passed and that he had been there for her as she began to grieve.  But last night was a mistake- it was a product of her emotions and she had abused their relationship in a way she shouldn’t have. 

     Akira’s right hand reached over to touch one of hers and squeeze it. 

     “Last night was not something either of us should be sorry about.”  His words were confident and she realized that he had been awake before her and stewed over what to say.  “Last night was about two people who care for each other taking comfort in each other.  I don’t regret it and you shouldn’t either.”

     She pulled her hand away.  “I used you.” 

     “Only because I let you.”  The silence was more poignant this time and she shrunk away from him suddenly feeling vulnerable in his presence.  He sighed and ran a hand over his face before he turned to face her.  She was scared now because this wasn’t what she was expecting when she had made her decision last night. 

     “Listen, I love you Kagome...  I want to be there for you and take care of you.  I want to dry your tears and kiss you fears away.  I want to help you move on.” 

     "You don’t and you can’t.” 

     “I can.”  He ground out his hands reaching for her face.  She let him move her head and met his eyes. 

     Akira couldn’t love her.  She was a lost soul, holding so much baggage.  She didn’t deserve a man like him.  Her eyes teared and her hands clutched the sheets she was holding.  She wasn’t ready to love someone so soon after Sesshomaru’s death- it made her feel guilty.  She had slowly hardened her heart after her return from the feudal era and had busied herself with work so that she didn’t have time for romance.  She didn’t love Akira and it wouldn’t be fair to keep him with her just because she needed his comfort. 

     “Why?” She managed to ask. 

     “Because you are beautiful, you are intelligent, you are courageous, you are loyal.  I could go listing things Kagome but it won’t change how I feel.” 

     “But I’m so…. there’s too much in my past.” 

     He shrugged his shoulders.  “So?  I have a past myself.  We all do.”  He let her go and moved so that he was closer to her on the bed.  “Give us a chance Kagome.  You don’t have to say yes or no, or tell me that you love me.  Just give us a chance.” 

     She thought about it.  She thought about what it felt like to be with Akira and what it felt like to be next to him.  She liked it.  Never had he made her feel like she was weak.  Never had he not cared for her.  He had begun their relationship as friends and somewhere down the line he had fallen for her.  And now, he was willing to wait, to give her a chance.  She had to smile at that- it reminded her of Hojo, of Koga.  It reminded her of all the men in her life who she had kept waiting. 

     “I think I’m cursed to have men fall in love with me only for me to be unable to return their affections.”  Akira laughed and it eased the tension in the room to an extent. 

     “No, I think this is our way of showing you how important you are to us.  You saved the world once and you deserve all this respect.”  Her eyes met his and she felt a small blush show up at the praise. 

     “I’ll try.  I can’t promise, but I will try.” 

     Akira moved so that he was leaning over her a little.  He wasn’t trapping her but if she moved, she would easily slip into his arms.  But she did move.  She wanted him to see that she was going to try.  Her arms wound around his waist and she rested her cheek on his warm bare chest.  It was nice to be held like this in his arms.  But they had other things to do.  She pulled away slowly and he moved back to let her.  A smile lit Akira’s face as well and it relaxed her. 

     “We’ll talk more over breakfast.  I’ll go get ready.”  He kissed her brow softly and left the room.  And for some reason, Kagome felt the loss of his warmth keenly. 

* * * * *

     Kagome’s hands shook as they placed flowers at the grave in front of her.  Everyone had left the funeral already, everyone that is but her and Akira.  He stood off to the side knowing that she needed this moment of closure.  She was grateful for it.  It gave her a chance to say her own goodbyes to Sesshomaru and move on with her life. 

     “Hi there.” She ran a small hand over the gravestone and pulled away.  “I’m sorry that I never did get to give you a proper goodbye.  I’m going to miss you a lot.  I enjoyed all those long talks we had in the hospital.”  She felt Akira take a few steps closer to her indicating that they needed to leave soon.  “I’ll pray for you and I hope you meet Rin in the afterlife.  I think she’s been waiting for you.  Anyway, I have to go now.  Akira’s here and it’s becoming nighttime.  I’ll come back to see you when I have more news.”  She blew a kiss and attached two fingers to the headstone before standing to meet Akira. 

     “Are you ready?”  He asked as she approached him. 

     “Yeah, I think so.” 

     Akira held out a hand and she took it curling into his side as she did so.  A week ago, Akira had confessed his love to her and she had agreed to give them a chance.  Now, a week later, she hadn’t fallen in love with him but she had a feeling she could.  Being with Akira felt right.  It was almost as if the entire friendship phase they had was a weird sort of courting or flirting phase before they ended up together.  She slowed her walk to match his and followed him to his car. 

     Things at the hospital had died down some during the few days after the death.  Kagome had been excused for two days and when she had come back to her nurse duties, she had sensed a shift in the hospital.  Quite a few nurses seemed to respect her while others went out of their way to show her jealousy.  She hadn’t understood either set of reactions until she had a talk with Watanabe-san one morning.  Word had apparently spread about her caring of Sesshomaru.  Somehow it had also gotten out that she and Matsunaga-sensei had gotten closer as a result of the situation. 

     As she slipped into his car now however, she found she didn’t care for all that.  It hadn’t been healthy for her to dwell on the past but now she realized that someone was giving her a chance to reconcile both sides of her.  Akira knew who she was and was able to recognize her and take care of her for what she was.  At the same time however, he knew the Kagome of now and was able to give this Kagome the praise that she needed.  He knew and understood both sides of her and helped her focus on the side that was more important. 

     “Thank you.”  The words left her lips as she came to this conclusion. 

     Akira started the car.  “What for?” 

     “For understanding me, for helping me, for giving this Kagome a chance to come to move on.”  Her eyes softened and she smiled, truly, for the first time that week. 

     “I don’t want to go home yet Akira.”  She stated as he began to drive out onto the Tokyo streets.  “I… I want to spend some more time with you.” 

     He smiled back in return.  “Of course Kagome.”  

     It was amazing how easy it was for her to transition from her routine the past few months.  She had come to terms with Sesshomaru’s death and had managed to be able to put a smile on her face all day.  And Akira- he had been nothing but kind and patient with her as they explored their relationship.  She liked the time she spent with him and actively looked forward to their dates.  It gave her something to look forward to at the end of long stressful days at the hospital. 

     “Higurashi-chan!”  Kagome had to smile when she saw Watanabe-san grin at her as she made her way down the hall.  His pneumonia had finally dulled to a thin remnant of what it was.  Last week, he had been given the all clear to go home.  With his daughter finally back in town, it meant that he was leaving in a few days. 

     “Grandpa Watanabe.”  She greeted back.  “What are you doing out in the hall by yourself?”  The old man smiled mischievously and Kagome raised an eyebrow at his antics.  Since his recovery, the aging man had become more and more playful. 

     “I was told to deliver a certain message to someone.  Fujita-san is accompanying me- ah there he is.”  Kagome looked down the hallway and indeed Fujita-san was making his way towards them.  He gave Watanabe-san a thumbs up that had her even more curious about what was happening. 

     “Ah, Higurashi!  There you are- you’re needed in the courtyard gardens immediately.  Someone’s waiting there for you.” 

     Kagome began to walk towards the garden but stopped.  “Wait, who is waiting for me there?”  The man didn’t say anything and instead shooed her away.  Rolling her eyes, the young woman walked out to the garden wondering what it was. 

     As she walked away, she didn’t see Watanabe-san grab Nurse Hojo and whisper something in her ear.  The nurse, back only a few weeks ago from maternity leave, nodded at what he said and ran away intent on getting the information she heard sent.  She leaned towards the nearby window and waved in the air.  Once she got the attention of the person at the bench underneath she gave him a thumbs-up.  So that was part two of the plan accomplished. 

     When Kagome arrived at the courtyard garden, she was surprised.  Various nurses and their patients, all out on their daily walks, waved at her and told her to go the bench under the magnolia tree.  Kagome followed their instructions, her face giddy with excitement.  Whoever it was that had planned this obviously knew that she like happy surprises.  She rounded the bend to the bench and hid behind a bush trying to determine who it was.  She couldn’t see anything though, so she continued on her way. 

     “Kagome.”  Recognizing the voice, Kagome turned to see Akira.  She  was surprised to see that it was Akira who had organized this. 

     “Akira!  What is it that you have planned?  The entire hospital knows and I don’t.”  The man winked at her and led her forward so that she was sitting on the bench.  Instead of sitting on the bench next to her though, he kneeled in front of her and produced a jewelery box from his pocket.  Knowing what that gesture meant, and how the entire hospital knew he was planning something, she brought up a hand to her mouth and stifled a gasp. 

     She hadn’t expected him to propose but she found that she knew what her answer was going to be.  Akira had been her better half for a while.  She wouldn’t mind if that continued in the future. 

     “Today marks a year since I met you Kagome.  It’s been eight months since I fell in love with you and you agreed to date me.  Now, I’m asking you to be my life partner.  Will you marry me Kagome?” 

     “Yes.”  Kagome blushed as she heard cheers from the hospital when they saw Akira slip the ring onto her finger.  So much for hiding this new development to their relationship.  Akira pulled her up and kissed her as she admired the ring on her finger.

     “Akira?”  She asked softly as he held her. 

     “Hmm?” 

     “I think it’s time we visit Sesshomaru again.  He would be happy to hear of this don’t you think?”  Akira pulled back and kissed her brow.  Sesshomaru-sama had played a large role in both of their lives so it was only right that they visited him to tell him news of the engagement. 

     “Of course Kagome, of course.” 

* * * * *

     “Hi there Sesshomaru.”  Kagome stated kneeling in front of the gravestone with Akira next to her.  In her hands was a squirming baby girl who wanted to explore and be put down on the ground instead. 

     “Sesshomaru-sama, hello.”  Akira spoke now, seeing as how Kagome was fussing over the little girl.  “As you can see, we came with someone else this time.  She’s our daughter; we named her Rin.  I might as well tell you what changed since we spoke last hm?  The cure that I was telling you about didn’t pan out.  It was what we needed to create a vaccine though- one that works for both demons and humans.  Now, no one has to suffer like you did when you were alive.”  He reached over and gave his little girl a pat on the head. 

     “Kagome is now head nurse of food duty since Yamada-san retired.  She’s quite taken with her new job you see but Rin isn’t.  She doesn’t like having to be at her grandmother’s all day.  As for Rin, well, this is the first time you’re meeting so I’ll tell you a little bit about her.  She turned one last May.  We wanted to bring her to see you but we decided to wait until she was at least a year old and used to things you know?  I wonder if we’re going to have as much trouble with this Rin as you did with yours.  Please, feel free to send us any parenting advice.” He turned to Kagome, asking if she anything else to add. 

     “Well, Sesshomaru-sama, I think Akira covered everything we need to say.  I’m glad you got the chance to meet Rin.  In the future, she’ll be more attentive I promise.  We moved into that new house I was telling you about and we like the way our life is right now.  I’ll be by soon with more news when I receive it.  Until then, goodbye I guess.” 

     She and Akira began to clean a bit of the gravestone when a tiny hand fell on hers and stopped it.  Curious to see what her daughter was planning Kagome watched on.  Rin reached forward and tapped the gravestone getting rid of a stray flower that had fallen on it.  She clapped her hands and both Kagome and Akira shared secretive smiles.  It seemed their daughter wanted to be just as involved in the upkeep of Sesshomaru-sama’s grave. 

     Rin clapped her hands.  “Ka…ka!”  Kagome shook her head and brought Rin’s hands down slowly. 

     “No Rin.  Sesshomaru-sama can’t come home with us.” 

     Akira stood, sensing the tension between the two females.  Kagome was obviously reminded of the missing presence at this reunion.  He silently took Rin from his wife’s arms and smiled softly at her.  Through the years, he had never forced her to stop visiting Sesshomaru, whether by herself or with someone.  It was his way of letting her know that he cared and wouldn’t force her to be something she wasn’t.  In a way, he owed the man.  It was only through him that he had met the woman he loved and started a family with. 

     “Rin and I will be going now Sesshomaru-sama.  It was nice to visit you and I hope to visit again soon someday.”  He gave a nod to Kagome and left down the walkway giving her the time she needed to talk to him alone. 

     “I’m not really sure why I stayed.  I think... I think, I need to know if I’m doing right by Rin.  I’m always scared, despite what mama says, that I’m doing something wrong.  She had a cold a few weeks ago you know and I was constantly fussing over her.   Sometimes, I wish you were here and able to see her grow.  She’s constantly enamored by you and one of her favorite bedtime stories is of a handsome youkai lord who braved hell to save his daughter.  Right now, I think she only likes it because the girl you save is also named Rin but one day, I hope she realizes who she is named after.” 

     “I think I should go now.”  She stood and dusted off some dirt on her dress.  “It was nice to talk with you Sesshomaru-sama.  Bye for now.  I’ll talk to you later.” 

     She smiled one more time before she turned and left to go join her family.  Akira was standing at the end of the path, entertaining Rin by showing her the clouds whiz by.  She approached them and both recognized her by the sounds her footsteps made.  Rin reached forward and she took her daughter into her arms.  She was happy.  She had a family, she had a bright future ahead of her, and she was able to move on.  Akira held out a hand and she took it to go home with him. 

* * * * *

A/N: I promised a happy ending didn't I?  As for the tiny bit of smut- I don't write smut but I felt like I had to show that side of the grief.  I hope I did a decent job considering that area isn't something I venture into on a regular basis. 

As for the pairing: I've been hinting at it since chapter 2 when Akira confronts Kagome at the end.  I wonder how many saw it coming.  And with that this is done! 

Also, if there any errors: I wrote this entire chapter today- my muse wasn't letting me stop.  I edited it as well before posting but I probably messed up somewhere.  Feel free to point it out and I'll fix whatever error it was.