To Go Onward by kaoruhana

Perserverance

 Prompt: Aramitama- Courage

* * * * *

     It seemed that rumors were quick to spread in the hospital.  The day after Sesshomaru’s fall on the stairs word had spread in the hospital that she had gone out to dinner with Matsunaga-sensei.  Now, the entire hospital was convinced that the two were a couple.  She brushed off the questions, questions she had been receiving all week, and turned her cart to enter Watanabe-san’s room.  Once inside, she let out a relieved breath and the old man laughed at her actions. 

     “Is my nurse popular now?”  Watanabe-san asked from his bed.  Kagome rolled her eyes as she neared the elderly man. 

     “No, it just seems that no doctor and nurse can be friends in this hospital without drawing suspicion.”  She unpacked the meal tray and handed it to him.  A hacking cough left the man as he reached for it and she silently waited with him through it before she looked at the medicines he had in his room.  Ah, there was the cough medicine that the doctor had suggested. 

     “If you need to talk, you know that I am here.”  Watanabe-san stated as he took the tray from her hands.  “I’ve heard that your newest patient has recently reached that point.  You are close to him yes?”  Kagome nodded the smile on her face disappearing to be replaced with a frown. 

     She fingered the cart’s handle in her hands as she thought about Sesshomaru.  For the past week, he had been morose and not said anything to her.  Their daily conversations had all but disappeared as he seemed to realize what was happening.  He refused to leave his bed unless he had to and even then, he leaned on someone rather than use the wheelchair.  She felt for him but wished he would stop his stubbornness.  She knew he was going to be weak but she wanted to take care of him and he wasn’t letting her. 

     Watanabe-san was still waiting for an answer and she answered him.  “I am close to Sesshomaru-sama.  He is an old friend.”  Kagome drummed her fingers on her cart before looking back up at the old man as he coughed.  She checked the duration of the cough and made sure it was normal before she continued.  “Watanabe-san, how do you care for someone who knows he is dying?” 

     The old man’s eyes widened before he placed a frail hand on hers in a show of understanding.  “Higurashi-chan,” he began slowly, “death affects us all in different ways. It generally sneaks up on most when they least expect it…  Perhaps your friend needs to adjust to his new situation before he can receive help.” 

     Kagome’s hands stopped their drumming as she listened to the elderly man’s words.  Sesshomaru, for as long as she had known him, was invincible.  She had thought he would live forever, in fact, everything she knew indicated at it.  She herself- the weak human that she was- had been surprised when she saw him.  Now though, she realized what the wheelchair represented, what it meant and she had come to understand that her time with Sesshomaru was reduced to a little over two months.

     “I guess you’re right Watanabe-san.”  The words left her mouth unbidden and she clutched the cart tighter.  “I think I should go.” 

     Kagome fled the room and the words that were said in it to go to Nanami-chan’s.  The young girl was going into surgery next week.  Her body was ready- or at least as ready as it would be- for surgery and the new heart.  Now, the family was biding time while some final tests were conducted and the doctors scheduled for surgery cleared their schedules.  She approached the little girl’s room and knocked on the door waiting to be let in with lunch. 

     The little girl was grinning from her position on the bed.  She had reached her quota of 1,000 paper cranes with Watanabe-san having upped his daily quota in light of her surgery.  At the moment, she was holding up one- a pink one of course- and sending it through the air to land by Kagome.  It fell on the floor instead and he mother scolded her but it made Kagome laugh and dispelled some of the sadness she had felt as she entered.  She gave Nanami-chan the regular meal plus the extra required fruit cup giggling when Nanami pouted at it. 

     “Mama says I get to eat ice cream soon!”  The little girl stated as she poked the curry on her tray.  “She says I’m allowed to have it after the surgery.” 

     Kagome’s eyes softened as she nodded.  “Yes you can.”  After the surgery, Nanami was going to be given the chance to be a normal girl again including being given the chance to celebrate her birthday outside the hospital with cake and ice cream.  She would miss the little girl’s laughter during her daily visits. 

     She bit her lip and made to leave with a hurried goodbye tossed over her shoulder.  She was running late today and she had no idea why. But still, it meant she had to leave and rush to keep her schedule on time.  And her rushing helped, for as she neared Sesshomaru’s door at the end of her rounds, she noticed that she was right on time.  Twelve-thirty was the time she always reached Sesshomaru and it was the time she reached him today.  She pushed open the door and padded inside slowly.  He saw her when she walked in but she ignored him to prepare the meal tray. 

     Normally Kagome talked with him as she plated the tray but today she didn’t as she kept the words of Watanabe-san in her mind.  She didn’t notice that Sesshomaru noticed however and was watching her closely wondering why she was quiet.  As she bent back up with the tray in her hands, she realized how intense his stare was.  Smiling and ignoring it because really, he couldn’t do anything to her anymore, she unpacked the chopsticks.  Her hands faltered as she picked up his food.  It was a nasty habit and she was trying to break it because she didn’t want Sesshomaru to see it and think she was pitying him. 

     Kagome picked up a bite- finally- and held it up to him.  He took the bite from her but didn’t open his mouth for the next one.   A raised eyebrow met his defiance and demanded an explanation. 

     “You stopped talking to me today.” 

     Words, Kagome knew, had a strong impact on others.  But she had never realized how much her words had made such an impact in Sesshomaru’s life.  He was still waiting for her to say something and she was going to give him a response.  But first food; she looked down at the tray and picked up another bite as she blinked back tears.  As she held up the second bite, she continued talking to him as though the events of the past week hadn’t happened; as though they hadn’t been quiet and tiptoeing around each other. 

     “Would you like me to tell you a story?  It’s about a young woman who wanted to avenge her family and rescue her possessed brother.” 

     He nodded and she smiled softly as the tension left both their shoulders.  It was a tentative understanding but it was enough to pave the way and help the two continue with whatever relationship they had established.  As he ate, she continued to tell him the story and when she finished and reached for the medicines, he spoke again. 

     “Tell me another story tomorrow.” 

     “Of course I will.  Any requests?”  He didn’t indicate a preference and she didn’t reply back.  Instead, she left promising him that she would come back tomorrow and tell him another story. 

     The next day, as she left the room after telling him another story as he ate lunch- this one about Yura of the Hair- he stopped her with a simple set of statements that touched her more than she would care to admit. 

     “I want to feel the summer breeze.  Are you free later?” 

     Her eyes softened and found the wheelchair in the corner of the room.  It was dusty and folded up under the window.  The fact that he asked her to let him move in it spoke volumes and she nodded promising him that she would come back for him later that day.  As she left, she realized that something had changed today.  And she knew what it was: Sesshomaru had decided that today was the day he was going to accept his death.  And as his friend and confidant, she was going to support him as much as she could. 

     It was going to be hard at first but she needed to be there for Sesshomaru.  Sesshomaru needed a friend to smile for him, someone to distract him from the pain he was going through and give him a little bit of happiness.  She had promised him she was going to do that and she did not want to go back on it. 

     The walk in the garden that afternoon was something that they both needed.  Sesshomaru took in the sun with a content expression on his face.  She had felt self-conscious as she helped him into the wheelchair but he had willingly taken the help she had given and succumbed to his fate.  Now as they made their way to their usual bench, she sighed and let the summer breeze caress her face.  They only had two, maybe three weeks left to enjoy this first surge of sunshine.  July was approaching soon and with it the rainy monsoon. 

     “Tell me another story.”  It was a command but Kagome knew what it also meant.  He wanted to remember things or try to remember things for as long as he could.  And she was going to help him with it. 

     “This one is about a little fox demon kit named Shippo.”  She began pushing the wheelchair slowly.  “He was young when his parents passed away and the Thunder Brothers threatened him…” 

     Hours later, when it came time to leave the hospital at the end of the day, Kagome hesitated.  Her feet took her to Matsunaga- sensei’s office.  He was waiting for her by his office door a soft, sad smile on his face.  Kagome didn’t think, she threaded her hand through his and looked up at his face eagerly needing to share the events of the afternoon with someone.  And he was the only one who could understand.  Not even her family would- they didn’t know the people from her past like she did.    

     “Today Sesshomaru took a walk with me in the gardens.  He wanted to hear stories and I told him about Shippo.”  The young doctor didn’t say anything and instead tugged her arm, leading her out of the hospital and towards his car.  She let him lead her, ignoring the fact that rumors would sprout up at their actions.  She needed a friend who understood right now and he was willing to be that friend. 

     Matsunaga-sensei took her to the same place he had before- his apartment.  It was a tiny studio close to the hospital with a kitchenette attached.  Much as the time before, he let her in and sat her down on the sofa.  Going into the kitchen, he began to take out things- vegetables, meat, noodles and made a dish while she watched.  Unlike last time however, Kagome stood after a bit and moved towards him.  She edged her way into the kitchen and stood by the stove. 

     Matsunaga-sensei noticed her and handed her a ladle.  “Can you check on the noodles for me?” 

     They were lost in their tasks and when he shooed her out of the kitchen again it was because he was making the actual dish for dinner and she was getting in the way. 

     “Thank you.”  Her words shattered the amiable silence.  “If it wasn’t for you Matsunaga-sensei I don’t know what I would do.” 

     The doctor turned from the stove and graced her with a smile.  “Don’t worry, I had family to help me when oji-san was sick.  You have no one who understands but me.”  He hesitated but continued.  “And call me Akira…  I think we’re close enough to be friends right?” 

     She let out a tentative smile.  “Yes, Akira-san.  Call me Kagome if you wish.”  He nodded turning back to the stove. 

     “Well then Kagome-san, I think dinner’s just about ready.  Hope you’re hungry!” 

     The next time Kagome actively sought out the young doctor was a month later.  It was a rainy July day- the monsoon having finally reached Tokyo.  She pushed her meal tray into the room that Sesshomaru was in and made her way to his bedside as she normally did.  It was quieter than usual today; he hadn’t even made any indication that he noticed her.  Gently, Kagome tapped his arm and he turned blurry eyes to her.  Sesshomaru had begun to forget more and more- it wasn’t just Sounga, he’d forgotten about other things as well- things such as the names of Naraku’s minions or episodes such as the ones with the Band of Seven. 

     “Who are you?” 

     The chopsticks in her hands clattered to the floor but she didn’t move to pick them up.  A part of her knew this day would come but another part of her had silently wished that he wouldn’t forget her.  He noticed her distress and instead of ignoring it, felt troubled by it.  He knew this woman, but he couldn’t remember her name. 

     “I know you,” he addressed, frustration creeping into his tone, “but I don’t remember your name?” 

     Kagome straightened and she cleared her throat as she looked at him closely.  His eyes were hard and cold and she reached forward to touch his arm.  It was a calming gesture and while his mind may have forgotten her, his body reacted to the touch by relaxing softly.  She reached for the bedside table and unhitched it before taking her hand away and unpacking the meal tray to feed him. 

     “My name is Kagome Higurashi.”  The name brought some recognition for Sesshomaru made an affirming noise in his throat.  “Your doctor is Matsunaga-sensei.”  He nodded trying to force the words into his memory to remember them. 

     “I remember Rin.” He stated his voice gravelly. 

     “Yes, Rin was your ward.”  She handed him a spoon of food since she had dropped the chopsticks.  “Would you like me to tell you a story about her?”  His eyes widened but he shook his head as he accepted the bite.  “Oh, then how about a story from the jewel shard quest?” 

     “Naraku?”  He questioned accepting another bite from her. 

     She picked up another bite.  “Yes, the quest to find and destroy Naraku.  Have I told you the story of Kaguya yet?”  He shook his head as he swallowed and she continued with the story as she fed him lunch. 

     Hours later, as she sat next to Akira on his sofa and wiped her teary eyes she wondered if what she was doing was right.  When she had found time, she had raced to the young doctor’s office and sought solace in his comfort.  The fact that she felt she was taking up so much of his time caused her to apologize but he shot down her apologies every time she gave them.  Now, as she sat down next to him on his sofa she wondered if what she was doing was worth it all in the end.

     “Kagome-san?”  Akira turned to look at her and placed his files on the table.  It had become a habit of theirs to meet at least once a week for dinner.  After it, she would stay and bask in his presence before going home while he worked on some research regarding H1N1. 

     “What is it?”  Her posture relaxed and she brought herself out of her thoughts. 

     “Are you okay?  I can tell something’s been on your mind all day.” 

     She shrugged before uncurling herself from her position on the sofa.  “I… do you think what I’m doing is right?  Sometimes… sometimes it hurts to be in this position.” 

     The doctor reached over to grab one of his hands in hers.  “Kagome… I think what you are doing has to be one of the most courageous things I have ever seen anyone do.”  She looked up at him, shock present on her face as she heard his compliment.  It was true that she wasn’t exactly one that cowered in the face of adversity but was she really courageous in staying with Sesshomaru? 

     “The jewel shards…” she stated the shock still evident on her face. 

     “You were courageous then but nothing compares to what you are doing now.  A lot of people would have run away from a situation like this but you stayed.”  He gave the hand he was holding a squeeze.  “Don’t ever doubt that you aren’t doing the right thing Kagome.” 

* * * * *

     Rumors surrounded Kagome in the hospital but she ignored them just as she had been doing for the past two months.  It was expected when she spent more and more time with the young doctor and they referred to each other differently.  In reality however, over the month and a half that Sesshomaru had slowly begun to use his wheelchair, Kagome had found solace and comfort in the young doctor as a friend and as someone who was helping her.  He had, after all, gone through the same situation himself.  And really, without his comforting presence, she couldn’t face Sesshomaru every day. 

     Today marked the third month since she had found Sesshomaru.  His condition faltered so much that she had to control herself from bursting into tears every time she saw him.  When she had met Sesshomaru, he was weak and needed a little help.  A couple weeks ago, he had lost the strength in his legs and was confined to a wheelchair.  Now, he couldn’t leave the room he was in because of the racking coughs that left his body.  She let him out once a week and in the meantime told him stories about her days in the Sengoku Jidai.  She had only a few weeks left with him after all and she wanted to make them memorable. 

     Kagome entered his room as she normally did for his talks.  As the weeks had gone by, she had noticed that he began to forget more and more.  Two weeks ago, he’d forgotten her name.  It had hurt her and she had corrected him softly as she did her job of feeding him.  But later, she had gone to Akira’s office and he held her as she cried.  It had caused the rumors about them to escalate to the point that she had even had Watanabe-san ask her about it. 

     She rounded the corner for Sesshomaru’s room and opened the door to it, a frown on her face.  It was quickly replaced by a smile however since she knew that it would just pain him to see her sad.    

     “Sesshomaru-sama!”  She greeted walking into the room.  He turned his attention away from the window as he noticed her presence.  “How are you today?” 

     “Good.  How are you?”  His eyes narrowed for a moment as he struggled with something.  “Matsunaga-san?”  Kagome shook her head feeling as if something was going to change today.  It wasn’t that he forgot her name.  He had been trying to remember her name and she had caught him more than once trying to practice memorizations.  No, instead, it was the fact that today he looked more pained than before. 

     “I am Kagome-san remember?”  She set the tray in her hands on the bedside table and began to unpack it.  Nowadays, it was mostly soup that he drank with a bit of vegetables and meat mixed in to give him some strength.  “Do you want me to tell you another story today?  How about one with Rin?”  

     Sesshomaru used her help to sit up and the haunted, lost look in his eyes made Kagome’s heart clench.  She would give anything for him to get better and be half the feudal lord he was.  And yet, she enjoyed this time with him, she enjoyed being allowed to care for him and repay him for saving her life before.  His eyes had a faraway look and he reached forward to grasp Kagome’s hand.  She let him do so, intrigued by what he was doing.  He examined her hand and the lines in her palm, before returning her hand back to her. 

     “Who is Rin?  I do not remember her.” 

     Kagome’s hand shook and she knew he noticed it.  Over the past few weeks, he had forgotten a lot more.  He had forgotten her name, the quest for the jewel shards, and the fact that he had another sword beyond Tokijin.  But to forget Rin?  She let go of his hand to busy herself with the food. 

     “Rin?”  Kagome asked tears coming to her eyes.  How could he forget her?  She had known that the disease was progressing but to forget Rin?  To forget the girl that had been his daughter?  She blinked her tears away as she thought of an answer. 

     “Rin was your ward.  Do you remember?  She used to wear a checkered kimono of orange and green.”  Her hands opened the food tray and she gave picked up a spoonful of food.  He swallowed it dutifully but didn’t answer her question until she reached to give him the next bite. 

     “I know her- I remember a little human girl…” 

     “Yes, her name was Rin.  You met her after she saved you when your arm was cut in a fight.  Do you remember that?”  He looked disdainfully at the left arm that had regrown and then his right.  He couldn’t remember which arm it was.  But his left tingled with more pain- was it that arm? 

     “Left.”  Kagome answered feeding him another bite.  “Inuyasha cut it off with Tetsaiga when you tried to…”  She blinked tears away and stopped herself from talking.  That episode was not going to be visited anytime soon.  He did not need to know that he had tried to kill her in the past.  A cough left Sesshomaru and she waited for it to subside watching with baited breath as he calmed down. 

     “Tell me… story…” 

     “Of course.  Let me tell you the story of Tetsaiga and Tensaiga… and how they related to both you and your brother.”

     It wasn’t that much of a surprise when she found herself at Akira’s house again later that night. 

* * * * *

     As the weeks progressed, Sesshomaru’s condition deteriorated to the point that he wasn’t able to eat anything solid anymore and constantly coughed harshly.  His once pristinely pale skin was now sunken in pallor.  His hair was falling apart day by day and his body looked like a pathetic version of what it had once been.  He now remembered only Rin, his father, and a doctor and nurse.  He knew none of their names but he could vaguely recall their faces.  A checkered kimono, a pelt and three swords, wavy black hair, and a white coat.  It was these small things he held onto. 

     “Good morning.”    He turned to greet the visitor, his body being unable to move on its own anymore.  Wavy black hair- did that mean nurse?  “Matsunaga-san is with me today.  He wants to…check on you.” 

     There really was no point in checking on Sesshomaru anymore.  The disease had won claiming his body and mind to the point where he was now a meager remnant of what he had once been.  As the doctor checked his vitals, she knew he was now only doing it to see how weak Sesshomaru was.  A pained grunt left him as the doctor helped him sit.  It made Kagome wonder if it was better for someone to strike him down before he suffered more.  The doctor moved away and nodded to Kagome who approached him with the tray of soup in hand.  It was all he could stomach now. 

     “Soup today- tomato since I noticed your preference for it.”  He didn’t reply- not that she expected him to.  Instead, his eyes followed her as she moved across the room to reach him. 

     “Here.”  She held up a spoon and he took it only to have his body cough the spoonful as soon as he tried to swallow.  She turned panicked eyes to the doctor who shooed her away and asked Sesshomaru a few questions.  At the end, he shooed Kagome away telling her to come back for lunch. 

     “He can’t stomach anything now Kagome-san, go.” 

     Kagome’s eyes widened as she realized what the doctor’s words actually meant.  In all the time that she had been helping Sesshomaru, his body had never been able to refuse food.  Now that his body was, it meant that the time was up.  She might as well have begun a countdown of days or hours.  A horrified sound left her mouth: a cross between a gasp and a sob.  He was dying now- there was no way to circumvent around it and keep putting the fact off.  He was going to disappear from her life. 

     “Kagome!”  Akira hissed turning his eyes to her.  Sesshomaru had accepted his fate but Kagome needed to soon.  And she had to do it somewhere other than this hospital room.  But she didn’t move.  Instead, she took a free hand and gave one of his a squeeze. 

     “I’ll pray for you Sesshomaru.”  She kissed his temple softly and pulled back at Akira’s yell.  Understanding the plea, she turned and fled the room intent on coming back later for lunch.  She had said her goodbyes but she wanted just a little more time with him.  Ten more minutes even.  And she wanted to give him a proper goodbye.  She only wished that he would stay with her that long. 

     When Kagome came back into the room later with lunch, Matsunaga sensei was behind her again to check on his patient.  As soon as the door opened, she knew something was wrong.  The feeling only worsened as she walked into the hospital room.  There was a chill in the air that didn’t come from the windows and she distinctly felt goose bumps take over her arms. 

     “Sesshomaru-sama?”  She called needing some kind of affirmation that he was still there.  Nothing met her words, not even the grunt of acknowledgement that usually came. 

     “Sesshomaru-sama?”  She asked again, fear gripping her as she and the doctor rushed to his bedside.  “Sesshomaru?  Don’t- you can’t be dead!” 

     Her yelling did nothing to change the state of the man in the room and she took in the view on the hospital bed with her eyes.  He had died sleeping after his morning dosage of medicine.  A peaceful- at least somewhat peaceful- death for a man such as him.  Tears flew down her cheeks and sobs left her throat as she looked at him so still and peaceful on the hospital bed.  She grabbed his hand and cringed at how cold it was.  This was it, he was gone.  And she didn’t get to say goodbye.  Not the way she wanted. 

     “Fujita-san!”  Matsunaga’s voice called out over the haze she was in.  “Get her out of here now!  We have a code 3!” 

     The nurse who had followed them in grabbed Kagome by the arms and led her out of the room. He had a strong, comforting hold which was needed to support Kagome.  He took her to the nurse’s lounge with instructions telling the other nurses to take over her tasks and for god’s sake would someone take her home?  With the instructions given, he left to go back to the room. Code 3 meant morgue transport and cleaning duty.  He had to work on it fast. 

     Yamada-san approached her mentee with a sad expression on her face.  Kagome had never lost a patient in her two years of working in the hospital and the first one always hurt.  She had heard that the patient was different as well, that only the two people in the hospital who knew him were taking care of him.  The poor girl- to have suffered so much in such little time.  She led Kagome out of the hospital and took her home.   The girl would get through this ordeal, she knew it. 

* * * * *

A/N: No I did not wnat to do this.  But I have warned you all of this happening from the first chapter.  And I have promised a happy ending!  If you can guess what it might be, congratulations.  If not, well keep guessing!

I also cried while writing this.  It wasn't sobs, but I did shed a tear or two.

Also, I'm only somewhat happy with this chapter but I decided that poring over it over and over wasn't going to get me anymore.