The Perfect Mate by BelovedStranger
Not Meant to Be
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I recall previously recieving several reviews wishing to see more chapters concerning Sesshomaru and Kagome since I have made a few side stories with Inuyasha and Kikyo, but also Sai, then with Sango and Mikoru (let's not forget Yasuhiro!), so the last SIX chapters had been dedicated to our favorite couple. See? I sometimes listen to my faithful reviewers :3 But now, it's time to see about a couple other characters. Read on my faithful readers, and reviews would help encourage me to update at a faster rate ;)
Another chapter dedicated to Stella Mira's Latin Challenge :3
1. Nenium—a present to a guest
2. Conticesco—to become silent, be stilled, abate
3. Donec—up to the time when, until; so long as, while
4. Emiror—to wonder exceedingly, be astonished at
5. Paeniteo—to repent, regret, be sorry
6. Ulsiscor—to take vengeance for, avenge; to punish
7. Ventus—wind; rumor; favor
8. Xysticus—a champion; a wrestler
UNEDITED VERSION! My beta-sama is busy for the next few days. Sorry >.< NOW EDITED!
Kikyo was silent as one of Sesshomaru’s servants led her to a room he gifted for her use while she was in residence at his estate, aware of the muttering, agitated man following close on their heels, ignoring any who tried to lead him in another direction to his own room. Truthfully, she almost wished he had not followed, her feelings far too raw to deal with the discussion they were most likely to have once they were relatively alone; however, she couldn’t stop herself from feeling glad that Inuyasha hadn’t stayed with his ‘friend’ and chose to follow her instead. She was aware that it was wrong of her to feel so possessive of her past love, knowing that whatever feelings they yet harbored for each other would never bear fruit. There was one obstacle that love could never surmount.
Death; and there was no doubt that she was already dead, possessing a body that wasn’t even real flesh and bone. Blood did not flow through her body, her nonexistent heart did not beat, and she did not possess lungs in need of life giving air. Her stomach did not hunger for food, her throat did not clamor for the need to drink water. She was nothing, not even her soul intact, for she had been given but a small piece of her reincarnation’s soul just to animate the clay she was bound to. Worse, she needed the souls of the dead to continue on living in this half-life she clung to selfishly. How many lives had she condemned by her need to continue ‘living’? How many opportunities of new life—new reincarnations—had she stolen throughout these last two years of her ‘rebirth’?
She was a monster, an abomination worse than the corpses the witch Utako had created. At least she had not stolen another’s soul and destroyed it just so she could continue living. Kikyo clenched her fists as sorrow filled her entire being, forcing herself to take another step, following her guide in continual silence. She was a murderer. When she’d first awoken, brought back to life, her soul, what little she possessed of it, had been filled with hatred and retribution towards Inuyasha. Though now her rage was turned towards another target, the real perpetrator for her untimely demise—Naraku—for the longest time, she had not felt or acted like the woman she had once been when she was truly alive—warm, kind, considerate of others. At first, she hadn’t cared that she was destroying other people’s souls to thrive. Now? Not only did she care but she was filled with such guilt, that her sorrow and self-recriminations only grew when she recalled her past actions and inhuman thoughts towards something so precious—a person’s soul.
She’d damned so many, and until she died again and gave up the half-life she trod, she would only continue destroying more and more souls. Did Inuyasha and his friends really comprehend the atrocity she continued to commit? For once she consumed even one soul, it was worse than death, because she was forever extinguishing a life, unable to pass on to the next. Once consumed, the soul was forever eradicated once its life burned out inside her, signaling her need for another and another.
The servant bowed low to her in respect when he stopped to open her bedroom door for her. She wanted to scream and shout that she was not worthy for even the slightest show of respect, was not worthy to wear the pure robes of a miko she now adorned. She felt like an imposter every time she put them back on after a bath or after she awoke for another day.
Silently, she glided into her room, nodding her head in acknowledgement to the servant, feeling her clothes gently rasp against her flesh, a subtle reminder. The fabric burned with every smooth whisper of touch, reminding her of her hypocrisy in wearing them. Inuyasha followed her in; she could feel his familiar aura filling the room with his presence. Heart battered and bruised from her never ceasing mental torment, Kikyo had a strong urge to turn and run into his comforting arms and cry as if her heart was breaking. If it existed, the organ would already be in splinters.
“Kikyo…”
The soft, hesitant utterance of her name in his voice almost shattered the last shred of control she had over her raging emotions. She dug her nails into the palms of her hands again until they ached. Ignoring him for the moment, Kikyo stepped farther into the room, taking in the beauty and wealth it signified, and yet unmoved by the splendor of the décor. With knees gone stiff for the confrontation ahead, she moved towards the window and gazed outside at the perfect morning sun that blazed brightly over the rainbow of flowers outside. Nature’s beauty was likewise lost to her.
Without turning around to meet those beguiling, amber eyes, so inhuman with their golden hue and cat-like pupils and yet so beloved, she spoke, her voice hollow even to her own ears.
“Perhaps you should not be here, Inuyasha. I think it best if you returned to Kagome. I’m sure she has missed you as much if not more so as you have longed to see her.”
That she told him to return to another woman, knowing both parties had feelings for the other, tasted like venom in her mouth, but it had to be said. Though she craved for Inuyasha to stay, she also needed him to leave her. Whenever he was near, it became glaringly obvious of her shortcomings, that she hid a monster deep within herself.
All during the long, winding walk through his brother’s castle, Inuyasha was unable to dwell on the fact that he walked through an enemy’s home, forgetting for a time that Kagome had willingly sought to be alone with Sesshomaru. All his focus had been on the back of the woman he loved more than life itself. Kami, what a mess he was in! Once again Kagome had seen him in a favorably manner because of his need to appease both women, and Kikyo had seen him brashly embrace another. It was the same old conundrum he found himself in, loving two women and inadvertently hurting them both.
When he had been alone with Kikyo for that brief amount of time after saving her from that witch, he’d thought he’d been resolved in his split feelings and silently chosen to be with her, and yet, at the first sight of Kagome, his heart had kicked into overdrive, the relief and love he’d felt for the futuristic woman profound. How could any man love more than one woman at the same time?! However, insidious questions continued to creep inside his mind. Were they really two women when Kagome was Kikyo’s reincarnation? Did he really love Kagome completely for herself? Or did some small part of him feel so strongly for her because of her connection with the woman walking silently before him?
He didn’t know. He gritted his teeth, hating himself all over again. He was a bastard to even think such a thing about Kagome, for she was her own person. She wasn’t Kikyo despite the fact that they shared the same soul. In some ways, the two women were so similar, both kind and compassionate, but there was no doubt that they were vastly different people, and he loved them both for their unique personalities. However, it seemed he did not love Kagome enough to fully commit to her as he knew she wanted, not when Kikyo was alive. Even though she was so close to him, if he reached out he could touch her glistening, black hair; it felt like more than a chasm separated him from Kikyo.
He feared—knew—that so long as Kikyo walked this earth, he would never be able to fully commit to Kagome and not feel as if he was betraying the other woman. However, just the thought of losing Kikyo all over again to death filled him with crippling despair. It was his fault that she had died in the first place because of his inability to trust in the love she had given to him over fifty years ago. Sometimes, he wished she had never come back to life. Then, he would have been able to build a life with Kagome, and perhaps heal from his past with Kikyo. That thought, too, made him feel like a two-timing bastard.
Inuyasha had so many things he wanted to say to Kikyo, but he didn’t want a stranger to overhear such an intimate conversation, so he remained silent, both dreading and impatient for them to come to their destination. When the servant tried to have him led in a different direction to his own room, he bared his fangs and gruffly told the man to mind his own business. He didn’t care how inappropriate it looked for him to be following a woman to her room, to be shut away together. The gossips could speculate to their hearts content for all he cared. They mattered not. What mattered was that he talk to Kikyo.
Now—finally—closed off inside her room, his mouth opened but no sound spilled forth. What could he say? He tried calling to her, but stopped before actually really saying anything. Before he could make some sense of his thoughts and give voice to them, Kikyo beat him to it, and what she said lanced his heart like nothing else.
Walking up behind her, scant inches away from her back, he said gruffly, “Kikyo, there’s nothing…” he sighed. “We’re just friends.”
It was the truth and yet not wholly true. He had never made any promises to Kagome, save for always protecting her; however, what he felt for her was far more than the ties of friendship. Just saying the words felt like he was betraying Kagome, tasting like ashes on his tongue.
Finally, Kikyo turned to him, if only slightly by glancing at him from the corner of one eye briefly, before once again turning away from him, to gaze out of the window. That she continued to offer him her back felt like another kind of rejection, and it hurt—a lot.
“We both know that to be untrue. You speak unfaithfully just by uttering such nonsense.”
Frustration made him tense.
“How can you say that? Unfaithful? I made no promises to Kagome! We hugged because we missed each other. It’s just been…a difficult situation because she’s been missing for so long. If anything, I’d be unfaithful if we were more than friends!” he almost shouted the last.
Almost instantly, he wished he could bite back his words, for they revealed far too much of his inner thoughts, his inability to forget and move on from the love he felt for the woman before him. He saw how she tensed under his words, wondered if she would tell him—as she had before in the past—that nothing could come of a relationship between them. It hurt too much to hear her say those all too painfully true words. However, perhaps he needed her to say them once more, to again drive the nail in the coffin of his feelings for her.
But in the back of his mind, he wondered if she even loved him anymore. Was he the only one who felt this relentless emotion that was love between them? If the answer was no, did he really want her to say it? Maybe, those were the words he needed. Maybe then he could finally give up on the feeling he harbored for her and be with Kagome. Or maybe—more likely—he was just deluding himself to think he could ever stop loving Kikyo.
Still, he found himself asking, “Do I really mean nothing to you? After all this time? Do you…” he swallowed thickly before he could continue. “Do you not love me anymore?”
The air she had drawn into her body left her in a rush, a soundless gasp at the tortured questions he murmured to her. How was she to answer him? It was foolhardy to reveal just how much he still meant to her, not to mention cruel to give Inuyasha false hope that they could actually continue as they had once been so long ago. Feeling anger over what fate had dealt her, she lifted her hands to curl tightly around the windowsill.
“And if I said I still felt that way towards you, what then, Inuyasha?” she whispered heatedly, her eyes clenched shut as pain filtered across her face. Turning around swiftly, her hair and clothes swirling around her at her fast movement, she nailed him with her eyes, unable to continue with her false visage of being cool and calm. “I am dead, dead! Worse, I must kill countless people just to sustain this body. How do expect us to be together when I do not belong to this world?”
Shock widened his eyes before denial gleamed brightly in his golden gaze.
“What are you talking about, Kikyo? You haven’t…You don’t kill people!”
She scoffed at his naivety, and even though she had to force the words out and admit to her sins, she had to make him understand that what she did to survive was worse than murder.
“Open your eyes for one minute and see what is actually happening before you. You’ve seen me absorb countless souls in the past. Once my soul stealers collect them for me and I take what is given, those souls are destroyed. They don’t go on to the next life as they should have gone. I… I killed their very existence,” she choked out the last, feeling the pain of that knowledge once again rip into her like jagged knives.
Ashamed, she lowered her gaze, unable to continue meeting his own. Kami, she was a despicable woman. How could he stand to be near her? Surely even he would turn from her now in disgust and wish her fully dead.
“What..?” she heard him mutter, aghast at her revelation.
Turning away, she waved him away, unable to bear one more second of his company. Now he knew the full extent of her selfishness. She was laid bare in front of his scrutiny, and she couldn’t stand it. She was no longer the pure, kind woman she used to be, but a grotesque, perverted version of her old self. Perhaps now he would shun her as he rightly should and go back to the woman waiting for him—her reincarnation. Kagome was a far better woman than she had ever been anyway.
“Just…leave me.”
When strong arms snaked around her waist from behind, bringing her up tightly against a broad chest, she blinked teary eyes in confusion.
“Don’t,” Inuyasha said roughly behind her. “Don’t ask me to go because I can’t. I know it’s wrong, but..! Kikyo. Because it’s you, I don’t…I don’t care if you kill hundreds, thousands. I need you beside me. Maybe that makes me just as bad of a person, but I can’t seem to fully regret their deaths if that means I can spend one more moment with you.”
Her breath hitched at his confession, hope blooming in her breast even though she was aware of just how wrong it was for her to feel such elation at the cost of so many lives. Then she shook her head hard and tried to get away from him, struggling in his arms.
“Don’t say that! You can’t mean it. I can’t keep doing this, taking innocent souls and condemning them to a fate worse than death itself.”
When his arms loosened, she thought he meant to free her. Instead, he grabbed her shoulder tightly only to spin her around and pin her to his chest. His palm covered the back of her head, forcing her face into his chest, and if she actually needed air to breathe, his hold would have suffocated her.
“I won’t let you die!”
“It’s not your choice to make,” she countered, pushing back to glare up at him, seeing his stubborn, tortured expression, hurting for him, hurting for the both of them. “You can’t expect me to continue living like this. It’s no life I wish to live. What’s more, I’m not truly alive as I am, no matter what I do or wish otherwise!”
Determination settled over his expression. The resolve she saw in his eyes frightened her.
“If you die again, you won’t be going alone. Not this time,” he vowed in a hushed voice.
It wasn’t the first time he had made such a promise to her, and once, years ago, she had made the choice for him, to surrender both of their vows of revenge against Naraku, and drag Inuyasha to hell with her. That was back in the days when she was beginning to feel the love she had once felt for this man return to her, but she had still been more like a dark miko than the pure hearted woman she used to be, trapped in her soul’s black, vengeful cravings. Now? Hearing him say he would end his life just to be with her did not make her happy—not anymore. Instead, it filled her with such heartache she was surprised she did not die on the spot from the pain. She almost wished she would.
With a trembling hand, she ignored the first tear that spilled from her eye to trail down her cheek. Inuyasha was so warm, so strong and filled with life beneath her hand. His eyes were alive. She pictured them dull and lifeless, and the image was her undoing. More tears trailed down her face. How she was capable of such a display of emotion when her body was made of dirt and clay, she did not know, didn’t question the phenomenon, nor did she attempt to wipe them away. A fruitless attempt as only more would take their place in seconds.
“Once that was what I wished for,” she admitted. “But no longer.”
When he would have interrupted, Kikyo placed her fingers over his lips, stilling his words.
“Listen to me, please. The woman who desired your death, to follow her to hell, was not truly me, but my soul still consumed with hatred. Over time, my soul healed, the darkness receding, bringing me back to myself. I’m already dead. You know this, no matter how you try to deny it. You need to cease living in the past, for it has gone, unable to be reclaimed. Live, Inuyasha. Live and be happy. I love you so very much. Honor me by granting me this one wish.”
Wordlessly, he cupped her face in the palms of his hands and leaned down closer to her until his breath brushed against her face.
“How do you expect me to live when you are gone?”
“You did before, didn’t you? When you were finally freed from my spell?”
He shook his head. “At first when Kagome awakened me, I was filled with hatred towards you.” Kikyo could see how hard it was for him to admit such feelings he’d had of her.
“And when you learned the truth of my death? You still continued to live on,” she reminded him gently.
Pain filled his eyes at the undeniable truth. Then, thankfully, she saw reluctant acceptance in his gaze before he shut his eyes and kissed her forehead tenderly. Her own eyes closed as his lips touched her flesh, her love for him swelling inside of her.
“One day, we will met again in the next life,” he vowed, his lips moving like butterfly wings against her forehead.
Then he drew back slightly, prompting her to open her eyes to stare back at his uncompromising gaze.
“Promise me that you will stay alive long enough for me to kill Naraku for you. I will not rest until he has paid for what he did to you, and I need to be the one to tell you, to look you in the eyes with word of his death. Do this for me, please. Hold on just a while longer.”
It wasn’t until that moment that Kikyo realized that she had intended to wither away, to not allow her soul collectors to give her any more souls and die in the next day or two. Already she had gone far longer than usual without another soul to sustain her, and she had the added strain on her body from her ordeal with Utako to contend with. If she didn’t allow her soul collectors to give her more soon, she had no doubt that she would die before the next sunrise. She felt weak, had struggled to hide her growing weariness from Inuyasha on their journey to Sesshomaru’s stronghold.
With full knowledge on both their parts as she nodded her head in agreement, they both willingly carried the weight of their sin to condemn more innocent lives. Their secret to take with them to the grave, a heavy burden they silently agreed to share. After her wordless acceptance to his demand—and it was a demand, not a request or plea—Kikyo tilted her head back when Inuyasha lowered his head, kissing her with all the pent up emotions inside of him. Without reservations, she returned his heated kiss, allowing the weight to lift from her shoulders if but for a moment as they lost themselves in each other’s arms.
Just a kiss. It could never be enough, but it was all either of them could have between them, for she could never allow him the full possession of her body as the act of physical love would be an insult to them both, because this clay imitation she wore was nothing to offer to the man she loved.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: It seems Kikyo is no longer the vengful spirit she had once been, her emotions returned to her over time. She no longer wants Inuyasha to die with her, so forced him to give her a new vow, to live even when she finally was put back to rest. However, both Kikyo and Inuyasha must live with the fact that they are allowing multiple human souls to become no more, a heavy burden they both must bare until death freed them. What will happen now? Well, find out next time!