It didn't matter by akiyome no tsuki

?????? (Learning to Live)

It is now the beginging of the end. Our last few months together before we go our seperate ways into society. You the handsome, rich, intellectual, aloof ; and me the commoner, plane jane, slightly over weight girl you protected back in middle school. I know that we have only a limited amount of time together and this is what I will always cherish, the memories of when there existed a place for just you and I. You have no clue as to how greatly you have affected my life, and for that I have no way to repay you but with kindness.......but it's time I let you go....

There you are once again lounging with those people you call friends, when they do nothing but belittle you behind your back. Did you know that they laughed at the misfortune that fell upon you in the form of my failure to be a stereotype? Ha! Looking at you now I can see that I was only a charity case, but in the end I was your charity case.

I didn’t matter that you couldn’t see me. Yes me, that fat geeky girl that everyone seemed to like and admire.

I guess it didn't help that I never once stood up for myself, did it? My only concern was for you to be happy, but that was a lie. I am selfish, I wanted to possess all of you. Every fiber of your being, but you didn't want me, but that's ok. I know now that this was a platonic love, maybe even unrequitted love. 

 It didn’t matter that no matter how hard I tried to be everything you needed me to be, it wasn’t enough

I can't believe that after everything that we had been through, nothing was enough....I wasn't enough! I gave  and gave, but all you did was take and take. I understand now, this was my fault because I wasn't confident enough..I guess that's what drew you to me, and I to you...

It didn’t matter that I loved you and tried to be the one person you could rely on

Who was there? I was, when your father was murdered, as your mother withered away from depression. I was the one to watch as tears silently rolled down your pale cheeks. I was the one who had to watch as the last of the life in you was sucked out and replaced by this void monster that now exists in your place.....

It didn’t matter that you lead me on tearing into my heart and soul as if it were a piece of flesh left to a starving dog.

I remember when I finally gathered up enough courage to confess my feelings for you....It was the summer of 2009 in the middle of traffic no less. I was so ashamed when you turned me down, I felt so useless, ugly, unwanted; because the one man I desired didn't want me. The fat geeky girl that everyone seemed to like but not want to date. I remeberthe shock, the barely concealed look of disgust. The look of shock as your only nerdy friend asked you out and confessed her feelings....but I guess all I was to you was a scape goat..huh?

It didn’t matter that you were slowly but surely tearing me into pieces

I looked in the mirror everyday wondering what was wrong with me. I let your rejection tear into me and yet I still loved you. I pined for you. The one thing I could never have, no the one man I could never have...

It didn’t matter when you stabbed me with a knife or left marks upon my body

That day hurt the most you know. I thought we were close but apparently I was fooling myself into believing that for the sake of my own sanity. All of the demeaning remarks, snide comments, insulting jokes. Cut into me both mentally and physically, as you left scars across my skin. Abused and amused I let this continue until I became a mere shadow of myself. But that was ok as long as I could feel you close to me, even if for only a moment. What a fool I was.

It didn’t matter that I accepted you for who you were and not what you did

When you lost your arm in the accident that killed your brother, who was there to comfort you and help you gain back the confidence you lost when you thought you were but half the man you used to be.

It didn’t matter that I was slipping away trying to be everything you desired me to be

I know by now you have noticed that I don't accept your calls or text anymore. The girl you knew is slowly fading away like the flowers of spring wilting in the oncoming winter. You are probably thinking that I will be coming back. I won't be just know that when all of this over, remember I still love you.

It didn’t matter that you were slipping away before I even had a chance to possess you

I should have realized that you never loved me in the first place. You loved what I could do for you, not me as a person, but I should have realized this when you told me you were a sexist and would love no woman. Ha! My own naievity kept me holding onto you, when you were already gone by the time my feelings manifested.

It didn’t matter that I listened when you would speak of your father

The hate you felt torward that man before he died, always seemed to smother me. Such an intense hatred for the one person you claimed to model yourself after but apparently you were correct in one sense. You would always be your father's son.

So I guess it didn’t matter as I watched you drink your life away

You fell away from me, and I melded into the background. Like everything that has ever cared what goes on in your life does. I guess you were right. You hurt people that love you, and love the people that love you. 

As your days seemed to meld together until you knew nothing else,

Then it was as if I did not exist anymore in the world that you had created for yourself. So I let myself drift further and further away from you so that I no longer influenced your world and you could make your own choices.

I guess it didn’t matter that I was there to say that final goodbye as you floated away in the wind

I knew this day was coming as I say you sprawled out across your bath room floor, a needle portruding from your vien.  Your eyes glassed over with the one thing I could not save you from.......yourself...

I guess it didn’t matter that you are now gone and the world keeps changing without you

But who am I to sit around wasting away for you

Because it didn’t matter that I was gone a long time ago

Now It doesn’t matter if you are here with me or not

Because you are long gone.....and the world moves along with out you....

Because it didn’t matter one way or the other

Aki’a Hodges©

November 29, 2011

Reviews are welcome good or bad :) I need to improve on my writing so please do review.

Also this is a poem dedicated to those who are letting go of the things or people bringing them down in life.