Delutional Abandon by Kanela

Delutional Abandon

As I lay half naked on the forest floor I muse about what just happened. We won. And by we I mean us. You and me... and the others. We won but I have a nagging feeling at the back of my heart that I lost. Or maybe I'm about to lose.

We stared at each other, we kissed each other, we felt our bodies; we hated each other. But everything is past tense now and I stare at nothing, kiss nothing, feel nothing and I have the sinking sensation that I don't hate you anymore.

It takes one hour for me to fall in love, rhetorically speaking. It could be a day's hour, a month's hour, a year's hour... and the damn thunders keep drumming up, up. My eyes are a pair of clouds that keep trailing behind me, crying their contents over my person. I don't care if I burn in hell; I'm not scared of eternal damnation. I had you with me, that's what counts. You're taking your time to justify this slip of yours, aren't you? Why do you shy away from my affections? Is it because I'm human? Is it because I once loved your brother? Or perhaps because I'm a miko? Or maybe because you... But don't be afraid. Let's play a game- one where I'll be your princess and you my lord.

Where did you leave me? Where did you go? I am lonely, yes; I'm not denying it. How could I not feel so if when I woke up you weren't there? That's what is left of an erotic dream: your emptiness. But really, I don't care. Like love would do any harm... to me anyways. I've gone through enough harm and hurt, trust me.

"Girl."

I turn to stare at you but I say nothing,

"I brought you this. Dress yourself."

I'm lost in thought, watching you, trying to figure you out... Are you really back?

"Miko," you choose to say, "Your... acquaintances... will be here soon. Dress."

I thank you and you turn away... Would you come back as these thunderstorms do? I'm afraid without you. Lighting flashes through the dark sky, and I don't know where I am... Why are you leaving me? Is it because of the damn storm season? I don't know. While I rub the back of your nostalgia I ponder to myself... What do I need to fall in love?

No, really; who told you left? Your scent is all over me and though I can't smell it I know it's here. So...

...You will never leave me...

What do I need to fall in love?

And my duty was fulfilled, so I had nothing left to do here. The beginning of the day, the end of the dream. As the sun rises on the blurry horizon I think about you and wish you to be here... so I can say goodbye. But since last night you dissolved into the moonlit darkness and I comprehended that I was meant to never see you again.

...And I will forever haunt you

I don't know nor I care, nobody does.

~*~*~*~

I sing a song to nothingness, the one you left behind. But you aren't really gone; you forgot the memories in your wake of hastiness. Our reminiscences. Why did you try to leave me behind? Can't you understand you walked away from me that day but you left yourself there, with me but without you, all those years ago?

I captivated you, you told me so. And I know you don't lie. I wish I could sell my memories, so I could get rid of you. Because when I try to embrace you, you vanish. Are you coming back? Soon? Someday? I won't be waiting forever, I'm not immortal. If you don't then fine, I'll move on with my life. I did it once... won't hurt if I do it twice.

It's been three years since I last saw you. I realize this as I clean the Shrine's platform near the God Tree. The very that held your brother hostage for so many years, all those decades ago.

I don't care where you are; it's all the same to me now. Wherever you are, with whoever you are... you are not. Because though you left me physically you never left me in essence nor in mind. You aren't gone.

"Miko." I suddenly hear your voice and I shiver. "It's been five centuries and three years since you left me."

I nod, but say nothing again. I turn to look at you and I find you unchanged yet different. Your eyes, your hair, yourself: they are the same. But your markings, your moon, the length of your hair, the doubt in your eyes. They are gone. Why did you bother to find me? And how am I the one who left? Don't you rememberr? You did.

"Why did you leave me?" You ask.

Have your issues finally solved? Have your thoughts come to a conclusion?

"I never did." I respond.

"You were gone."

"You left first." But no, you didn't. "No, you're right. I left." And you raise an eyebrow in confusion. "You never left me. You left my sight, you left my side, but never me." I finally explain.

"I never knew from when exactly did you come."

"So I haunted you." I state.

"I left you."

I smile and nod slightly. That was what I expected; for you to finally realize what you did. You left me, yes. I left you, too. But you remembered me, and I never forgot you. I walk over to you, and you hold me at arms length.

"What?" I ask.

"We're even." You say.

And we kiss.

What do I need to fall in love?

...

You.