Maybe Next Time by WhiteDalia

Maybe Next Time

Maybe Next Time

It was dark. Silence filled it. And as she starred into the silent darkness, she couldn't help but feel secure.

The darkness was wonderful. It was perfect. The darkness swallowed everything, every sound, every picture and every emotion.

Here, she could be herself. There would be no one to judge her when she cried or when she did not act appropriate. In the darkness there is no one there to reprimand her. There was only her. Here, she could be weak and this alone was the reason why she loved the darkness. It was the only solace she received in these four cold walls.

The black-haired beauty rolled over to the other side.

She faced nothing.

With a hand she reached out to the empty space and stroked over the neatly laid sheet. This was the place where he was supposed to be lying in, but just like always, it was empty. Every night she opened her eyes and looked at the place next to her, she saw nothing. Some people cried at the sight of something particular, but her heart broke at the sight of nothing. She wanted to laugh at the irony. She couldn't believe how pathetic she had become.

She shook her head and got rid of the tears in her eyes with her hand. She sat up for she knew this was just another night, where she would be denied of sleep. She decided to take a walk in the garden in the hope of find something to distract her from her depressing thoughts. Even if she knew, that the attempt rose from false hope.

She opened the doors and stepped into the hall.

It was so different from how it looked in the daylight. It was a refreshing change to see the palace so void, free from any sounds, any judging eyes following her every steps and free from any whispering mouths with words like acid. She looked up to the moon. How she loved the moon, especially on nights like these, where the moon shone in all its glory over the roof of the palace. She didn't know whether it was the place or her imagination, but since the day she arrived here, she thought that this was the place with the most beautiful view on the white orb. Maybe this is why it is called the House of the Moon.

She sighed and continued on her way to the garden.

With each step, her heart grew heavier, because she remembered the first day she came here. She had been so... full of life. She saw the beauty of this place and loved. Just simply loved.

And as she passed through the halls, she wondered where this love had gone? There is the saying that everything that is lost can be found again and she asked herself, whether this included her emotions. What if she had forgotten how to love? But she shook her head. No, she had not forgotten how to love, she decided. If she had really forgotten how to love, then her heart wouldn't ache every night and every day. And she also knew that she did not lose the ability to love either.

She just hated love.

And as this realization dawned on her, she heard the creaking sound of an opening old door fill and penetrates her beloved darkness. And out stepped her worst nightmare.

"What are you doing here?" he asked and closed the doors behind him. But no matter how fast he was, she could still catch a glimpse of the room or rather, the bed in the room with messed sheets and a woman lying in the middle of it.

"I live here." she answered just as cold, turning her attention back to him.

"You know very well that this is now what I meant."

"Do I now?" she arched her eyebrow.

"This Sesshomaru will not repeat itself." She starred into his eyes for a moment, only to sigh. She was so damn tired.

"I could not sleep-"

"So you decided wander around like a haunting ghost?"

"No, and if you would let me finish my sentence, then you would know, that I was just on my way to the garden for a small walk."

"Go back to your room."

"Why?" she asked and this time, much softer than before. "Why? It's not like something waits there for me."

He did not reply. Instead he just starred at her.

"Your eyes are red." the way he said it, the tone he used could very well be used for talking about the weather.

"That is what you get when you are deprived of sleep." There was no way she would give him the real reason, even if it was perfectly obvious. "If everything is according to you wishes and if I satisfied your curiosity, then please, I would like to ask you to move away and not block the path to the garden."

"I will accompany you." Her face remained hard, but inside, she was shocked. Questions ran through her head, her emotions were a mess and all she wanted was to run the other way.

"Very well." she answered instead.

Together they walked into the garden. No one said anything or made any sound, they relished in the silence.

The garden, on the contrary to the palace, was still as sounded as when they sun shone. She could hear the wind play with the grass, the treetops rustled the same and the only difference was, that it was not the birds chirping but the one of crickets.

She smiled; this was the only sound she loved from this palace. She sat down on a rock, her usual place and closed her eyes, enjoying the nightly breeze caress her skin.

"Are you here often?" She flinched when she heard his voice. It felt so weird, so out of place to hear his voice, to really hear his voice here. It was just not right.

"What gives you the indication to assume this?"

"You seem... relaxed here, much more than you are, when you are inside and when you walked here, you seemed to know the way like the back of your hand."

"Yes, you are right. I am here quite often, as much as my schedule allows me this and of course when I am not in the library." She loved the library, but lately, she was coming there less and less. The reason was him, she was avoiding him. She wondered whether he knew that. Had he noticed her growing absence? Did he know? Or had he not even noticed this? Ignored this like everything else.

"Why are you even here?" she asked and looked away. "Shouldn't you be somewhere else? I thought you were going to go back to the room and continue doing what you were doing." she joked lightly.

"No, I was already done." he answered with all sobriety.

The demoness, with her head turned away from him, closed her eyes and bit her lips. She hated herself. And she hated him. How can it be that they are talking so freely about this?

"And why did you join me? Don't you have more important matters?" she asked.

"Hn."

"No other answer?"

"I don't have to justify myself before you."

"Of course, you don't." She chuckled bitterly. Seconds passed, then he walked towards her and he, too, sat down, right next to the place where she was sitting at. She had watched him cautiously, they had not been this near for a long time. She wasn't sure what she should think about this. For the moment, she would act as if this was nothing, although this was quite a challenge.

"There is a riot in the south of the Western Parts." She arched her eyebrow at him again. "It's between human and demons again. The human claim that demons have terrorized their villages, while the demons claim that the villagers defiled their homes and killed them without reasons."

"So it's the usual conflict."

"This riot had been going on for almost a year and it's the same in the north. Why human are stupid enough to fight against demons, I would never know, They complain that we kill them without mercy and brutally. Why do they fight in the first place? After all, they know that we are by head and shoulder stronger than them. Or are they that stupid to know even be aware of this? Hypocritical they are, too. They kill animals the same way we kill them, yet they accuse us of being without conscious." Sesshomaru scoffed.

"Yet, no matter how unreasonable and 'stupid' human are, they are still your pupil. Your rule over them and you cannot be the best ruler, when there are still people suffering under your reign. To be the best, you have to be fair and treat them all fair."

"You are a demoness, yet you love human, so much. I could never understand this."

"I don't love them; this sounds as if I am favoring them and this I do not. I treat everyone equal, maybe this is what you meant, because this is what I do or try to do." she smiled.

"I wonder whether father thought like you..." He trailed off and left his sentence unfinished. Something he did rarely. She knew that this was a touchy subject to him. She covered his hands with hers, trying to give him some form of comfort. He did not look at her, but Kagome felt his hand turned around, intertwining his finger with hers.

She smiled. This was so familiar and she knew why. He had always talked with her about political subjects, once he had claimed that she was the only one he could share them with, the others he did not trust enough. Since that day, she always felt a sense of proudness swell inside of her, when he talked with her about them, she felt special, because he trusted her enough. But it made her even sadder, when he had begun to stop having such conversations with her. The only proof that she did mean something to him was slowly fading away, until he completely stopped talking to her.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" she asked, this time clearly in a slightly better mood.

"Paper work."

"Are you missing dinner again?"

"Hn. Probably."

"Do you maybe... want me to join you?" She looked at him, his face was expressionless.

"I don't think it's a good idea." She closed her eyes, of course. "I will be busy the whole day and it would be better for you to attend to your lessons."

"So, you say, I am not going to see you the whole day..." Her eyes were now narrowed. "Are you busy with paperwork the whole day or rather with your whores?"

"Depends on it." She gritted through her teethes.

She stood up, disentangling her fingers from his and started to walk away.

"Where are you going?" he asked her.

"Where do you think I am going?"

"Woman, I am going to ask you this twice."

"To our bedroom, to answer your question. Oh wait, let me correct myself, my bedroom, since you are never there!" she shouted at him.

"Does your anger rise from sharing myself with other women?"

"You are not stupid, so refrain from asking questions which make me doubt your intelligence."

"I don't care whatever your opinion is of me. I have no obligation to you and you don't have anything to say in the matter which is mine. I bed anyone I want to."

"You are no different from your father." And before she could react to his actions, Kagome felt a stinging pain on her left cheek. She touched the red spot on her skin with her fingers, feeling the hot burning cooled down by her fingertips. A bitter laugh erupted from her.

"I never thought that the day will come, when the mighty Lord Sesshomaru will come off his high ross and lower himself by slapping a woman."

"Your lack of sleep clouded your mind; I merely brought you back to the reality. Go to your bedroom, now." he ordered her, and she imagined an emotion cross his eyes. Maybe he was right, maybe the sleep was doing something to her, but she would never admit it.

"The time, where you ordered me, is over, my Lord. You have to right to do this, I had only allowed you to." she answered.

"I am your mate and this is my lands you are on. I have every right."

"I haven't forgotten who you are, I could never, but it seems to me, that you have forgotten who I am. I am the daughter and the sole heiress of the Eastern Lands and by laws, I am granted immunity from you. In other words, you don't have any say about my person!"

"You are being ridiculous."

"Am I now?" She was defying him, something she had not done for a while. She could see the fury burning in his eyes and she loved every second of it. "For in my eyes, it is you, who are."

"You-"

"What? What will you do? Are you going to slap me again? You want to hurt me, don't you?" she asked and looked into his eyes. "Then, feel free to hit me again, this is only a temporary pain, it will fade away in time. Do what you want, you had already done other things to hurt me besides from raising your hands at me and I tell you, they have hurt more than just a slap. And the most ridiculous thing is, that what had hurt even more than the slap you gave me or the things you have said and done, is what you have not done! So, I can advise you, if you really want to hurt me, then don't do anything, because nothing hurt as much as when you did nothing!" She looked at him and noticed a change. He wasn't looking away anymore, rather he faced her and she could see a battle inside of him. But somehow, she did not care.

"I can't do this anymore. Sesshomaru, I am so tired, so tired of believing, of hoping only to be let down again. I am so tired of loving and getting hurt. Why are you doing this to me, does it give you some kind of sick and twisted pleasure to see me hurt? Because you know that this is hurting me. You humiliate me, fine, you think I am not good enough for you and you are not afraid to tell me this, fine, this is fine, too, I can stand this hurting, and with time I learned to live with the hurt as if it was my air. But what hurts the most, what makes this all spill is the... silence... Your silence. You don't talk to me anymore, you ignore me and this is the most terrible thing you have done." She closed her eyes.

"Your words, they are haunting me, even in my sleep, I can hear the words that are breaking my heart and because of you, I began to fall in love with the silence, yet, whenever you turn around, when you see me, I begin to think that whatever kind of hurtful words is better than this. I.. I am so confused, ... I don't even make sense, do I?" She sounded so tired.

"I love you, Sesshomaru." He opened his mouth, as if he wanted to speak, but she cut him off. She didn't want to hear it. "I thought, our love could survive everything, but... you know, love can't survive, when there is none to begin with... No, don't say anything, just answer my question."

She took a step towards him. Their nose almost touching. She could feel his breath on her lips, a warmth radiating from his presence.

"What would you do if I will go? Would you follow me?" she asked. "Or would you just stand there... and watch me leave?"

Her heart beat furiously against her chest and as she waited for his answer to come, she only heard this heartbeat.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six beats.

And her heartbeat was the only thing she heard.

She closed her eyes in resignation. She expected this much, she had always done. But she couldn't face it, she liked to believe that her absence would wake something inside him, that it wouldn't leave him cold, but alas she was mistaken. And when she voiced out that very question, she had somehow expected this. However, the imagination is nonetheless something different from the reality.

She took a deep breath, wanting to say something, but then she closed her mouth again, pressing the lips to one line.

Somehow, her nothing came out of her when she opened her mouth. The lump in her throat was just too big, it felt so suffocating.

She didn't know how many times had passed, while he was waiting for her to talk, but it felt like an eternity, an eternity, in which each second she died a little bit more.

"The only reason why I came, why I stayed and why I continued loving you..." she took a deep breath, letting air fill her body, clearing her mind. "the only reason was, because I..." she looked at him and then shook he head. "I was stupid for believing there was hope, right? So stupid." She shook her head... and shook it. Tears were now falling freely down her cheeks, the tears she had denied and kept in herself for far too long. She sobbed and wailed and sobbed.

Her heart had slowly been breaking, but in that moment, her heart had shattered into million pieces. The whole time, it was just cracking, leaving broken lines, but now, it was irrevocably shattered, with no more hope of being fixed anymore.

"I am sorry." she said, wiping with the back of her hand all the tears away. "For all the trouble I caused you. I will be leaving now." She turned around and started to leave.

"There is one thing." she said and stopped in her tracks. She didn't turn back to him, she didn't want to see him, see the way he would stand there. Completely indifferent. "I will never be coming back again."

She fled.

~

She didn't know whether her last words were spoken out of malice, intended to make him hurt, but this seems to be a rather foolish thought, since he wouldn't care. So she opted for the second possible answer, it was a promise to herself. She knew, she would never return back to this place again.

The only thing she experienced was vanity, intrigues and hurt. The last more than anything.

These four golden walls only meant humiliation and heartbreak; she associated it with the worst part of her life. A chapter she was closing now. She was going to start a new life, a life without him, just her alone. In time, maybe her heart would be glued again and she could start loving and letting others in again. It would just need some time, but one day, one day; she would be able to do all those things again. The things she had forgotten how to do it right, like laughing... and trusting and loving...

She sat under a tree and watched the sun exchange positions with the moon. The view was beautiful. This was her first lesson, to learn to let things pass by and just enjoy the presence, whatever is given to you.

Suddenly she heard something rustle behind her, followed by heavy steps and a strong aura. Too strong for a normal human. Alarmed, she jumped up.

Indeed she was right. A demon appeared in the darkness of the forest.

A tiger demon!

It was alright. She could take him down; it was after all only one and she was the princess of the Eastern Lands. Suddenly she heard some growling behind her, not, it wasn't one. There was more. She turned around.

No, it wasn't the only one, of course, tigers lived in tribes and this seemed to be a really big tribe. And she had to admit, she wasn't sure, whether she could survive this.

With a hand, she reached out to her stomach.

~

"I'm sorry." she whispered and closed her eyes. Pressing her hands to her belly.

"Lord Sesshomaru!" Jaken shouted. The message he was delivering was urgent, but the Lord didn't pay him any attention.

"It burns." he whispered, he sounded confused.

"What?"

"Where is she?"

"Who?"

"My mate! Where is my mate!" he bellowed.

"Ah, well, this is what I wanted to talk with you about. I think she left-"

"What?"

"Well, there was this note on her bed, it said that she left and-"

Jaken had to admit that he had never seen his master so pale and yet so furious. His eyes were... no words could describe it. But there was another thing about his master, which scarred him more than everything.

Desperation.

His eyes shone in desperation. Jaken couldn't imagine what would happen if ... Maybe it was because of their Lady? Maybe it had something to do with her disappearance. Surely, Jaken was sure that their Lord cared for their Lady, maybe even loved? Lately, he wasn't that sure... but-

Wait, hadn't Lord Sesshomaru just claimed it...

Jaken's eyes widened and he starred off to where his master had left. He could only hope that his master didn't return with empty hands.

~

I starred into the sky. It was daylight again and I wished it was night. I wanted to see the moon one last time. I didn't want to die with the sun burning my dead skin, but for the white orb to radiate her glowing silver light on my body. The moon was always gorgeous, no matter what anyone said. It may appear somehow weird and so indeniably stupid to think of him, but that's love isn't it?

A conversation they had shared flashed through her mind.

"I love the moon, don't you?"

"It serves the purpose."

"You are so ... cold. But in a way, you are right. The moon does fulfill it's purpose. It shines through the darkness and gives light, when sun is too tired. This is the reason why I love it much more than the sun. I'd like to think that the moon shines for those, who need in the their moment of help and guide them back to the light, until the sun appears again."

"You are naive."

And he was right, I was naive. I thought I was strong. I thought, I could teach him love. But in the end, he was the one who taught me of the opposite. For I may stand his cheating, the humiliation and even his hurtful words, but not his indifference. Isn't this a weakness, doesn't this show me exactly how weak I am, how pathtic?

Why do I care anyway? Soon, not even matters of minutes, I will be gone, I would leave this world of desperation and agony. I will find peace... won't I? There is only one regret. I touched the stomach, the only place where I was not harmed. I tried my best, I thought and smiled.

And as my lids grew heavy and fell down, I felt a warmth engulfing my body, my heart felt warm. It was so pleasant, I wanted to feel more of it. I went back to my beloved darkness. Maybe next time...

~

"Kagome!"

She opened her eyes and starred to his eyes.

"What happened?" she thought.

"I am so glad, you are alright again. Come, let's leave as long as he is distracted." Inuyasha said and pulled her up. Still confused and groggy Kagome looked around and saw him.

Inuyasha's brother, the man, the demon who had tried to kill her.

But something was different.

He didn't seem to want to attack her. She wasn't sure, but there was something in his eyes, that made her want to... stay? Yes, it was his eyes. They seemed so... sad, she wanted to know why, but alas she could not, since Inuyasha already pulled her on Kirara's back and flew away with her.

~

Sesshomaru watched them. Like always, he watched them. Only this time, she looked back to him. It was the first time he had seen her eyes. But it wasn't meant for be for long. The neko demon flew away, took this woman along with her. Her face was imprinted in his mind.

Her tresses were may not a midnight blue, but just ebony dark hair, her skin was darker, not as pale as he was used to and her skin was pure, without any marking, but here eyes, it was still the stormy blue eyes of his beloved.

I know, there are a lot of people who claim to extend this oneshot into a Chapter Story, but I really think I will do this. And it wouldbe called Desperately Hoping, but this is the detail, I am still thinking about this ... Anyway, tell me your opinion, what do you think of this? I loved it... there were a few scenes maybe that were not perfect, but all in one... but you can judge it much better than I can, so, please review it^^

xoxo