You're Under Arrest! by beckyducky
You're Under Arrest
You’re Under Arrest!
By Beckyducky
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha. I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.
Author’s Note: PARODY FIC!!! This is going to be a really short project. I’m so excited……… The reason why it’s a parody is because there are so many Yu/Inu crossovers that are so passé and repetitive. It’s the same old story: Yu Yu Gang goes to Feudal Era to kill Naraku; Kag meets Gang; Kag falls in love with Kur/shorty/Yus but not Kuwa because he's not aesthetically pleasing; Inu gets jealous; Kur/shorty/Yus and Inu fight over Kag whilst battling Naraku; Kikyo is an evil bitch as per usual; Naraku dies and Kikyo joins him in hell; Kur/shorty/Yus confess their undying love for Kag; LEMON!!! They mate or whatever and Kag lives happily ever after forever; Inu comes to terms with Kag’s mating and/or dies heroically. The End. A happily ever after for one and all. Hehehehehe…oh boy. I’m really going to turn things around. But before you read, there are several things I have to acknowledge: First, credit has to be given to Madmiko, cuz she inspired me with Kagome being arrested and all (Black Widow Miko…READ IT!). Second, I know that there is a manga/anime or something called “You’re under Arrest!” This is NOT from that manga/anime/game or whatever. It’s just a title I stole. Thank you to Daniella for reading it through and giving me feedback.
Chapter One: You’re Under Arrest
Kagome was never a bad girl. Of course, there were times she displayed less than exemplary behavior…but that was only because she absolutely had to do it! Take lying to the school for instance. She would never, not in a million years, skip school like that – had she been a normal teen. But nooo…the fates just had to be a bitch to her and saddle her with the freaking Shikon no Tama and send her back to the Feudal Fucking Era. And then along came Naraku and his freakish fixation on her and Kikyo, and his retarded plan to rule the world. Really, you would think that evil villains would just get an original plan. What was so great about ruling the world anyway? There were people to deal with, places to organize, puppet governments to set up…unless you were a power-hungry egomaniac like Naraku. No, Naraku was more like a name-everything-after-yourself kind of dictator. The capital of Japan would probably be renamed Narakusburg or some shit. Then he would create his harem of long, dark-haired Asian girls and make them his sex slaves and tentacle rape them.
Kagome’s eyes widened when she realized where her thoughts had taken her. She was getting ARRESTED, and all she could think about was Naraku and tentacle rape. God she was sick. The handcuffs on her wrists glistened in the sunlight and for a brief moment, she wondered whether or not she would ever see the sun again in jail.
Oh my God! Why the fuck am I being so damn dramatic! It’s not even a done deal that I’m arrested. I’m sure that if I explain to them my situation they’ll let me go. Besides, it’s not like they confine prisoners in windowless cells…
Kagome stopped breathing for a second. Windowless cells. That was her future. After three years of broken bones, bruises, ripped skirts, Sesshoumaru, stolen panties, bandages, gropes, Sesshoumaru, Inuyasha, kidnappings, attempted rape, poisoning, Naraku, Kikyo, arson, hunger, starvation, hyperactive children (*cough*Rin*cough*), cold camps, psychotic killers, Sesshoumaru, no indoor plumbing, instant fucking ramen, and stupid men, she was repaid with this – becoming a juvenile delinquent for something she had no fucking control over.
“Get in the car.”
She made a face and got in. It wasn’t as if she had a choice. There were four dudes and only one of her. She hadn’t exactly imagined her first time getting arrested to be quite like this. Actually, she’d never imagined getting arrested at all, but if she were to get arrested, Kagome thought it would be for some stupid teenage reason like underage drinking, or going .0001 (x 10^33333) over the speed limit… Nope. Not her. She was getting arrested for time travel. How normal was that? Kagome sighed as she found herself sandwiched between a pissed-off, vertically-challenged man and a rather effeminate, green-eyed teen. When they took her to wherever they were taking her, she would simply explain to whoever was in charge and tell them about her situation. After Kagome’s story, they’d be begging her to go back into the past. She’d make sure of it.
Just stay calm, and don’t lose your temper.
Kagome’s eyes narrowed in determination. She would keep cool and get out of this mess. After all, she was a modern, 21st century, kick-ass miko with brains to boot. She was resourceful, talented, and quick-witted. Nothing could stop her!
~.~
Four and a half hours later, and well into night time, Kagome’s patience was running thin. She stared straight ahead at the endless road and sighed. They were well out of Tokyo by now. Plus, they didn’t even stop for any breaks. Kagome’s bladder was crying…literally. She could feel the imminent explosion. The squirming a.k.a. the Pee-Pee Dance in the Seat commenced.
“Um…can we stop for like five minutes?” she asked not unreasonably. The driver looked at her pointedly and kept on driving, ignoring her. The nerve! She needed to freaking pee!
“Hey, if you don’t want any nastiness on your seats, then you better pull over, mister!” she commanded, trying to use a firm tone. It was ruined by her voice cracking at the end. The driver sighed angrily and kept ignoring her.
“You’ll hold it in,” he said. Kagome wanted to strangle him, the fucking brat. He couldn’t be more than a couple of years older than her, if that. Who the fuck did he think he was ordering her about like that. Kagome huffed and decided to change her tactics. She looked at the green-eyed teen and made eye contact while initiating Puppy Dog Eyes. He just stared at her with an amused yet apologetic expression on his face but never said anything. Her frustration was mounting and it wasn’t long before Kagome’s anger was at an all time high.
All of a sudden, the driver started to accelerate and zoomed quickly across the deserted road.
Hah! He is worried that I’ll pee in his seats!
But then Kagome found something to be a bit odd, especially when the driver started weaving back and forth between lanes. There was no one on the road, so it was a bit fishy that he was driving this way. He drove faster and faster, still steering in his erratic pattern, until all Kagome could see was the blur of the background. There was no way this was within speed limits, she thought to herself as the background changed from a blur to a streak. It was as if someone took a picture of the landscape and threw it in a blender. And then it hit her: it looked like the landscape of the forest when Sesshoumaru carried her. Not even Inuyasha was this fast. Kagome’s eyes widened as the driver accelerated a bit more. They were going demonic speeds.
“Yo…” the man sitting in the front seat addressed the driver.
“I know. Just a little bit more,” he replied.
“You do realize we are being followed,” the short, angry man said. And Kagome gave a start at this.
“Yes, I’m aware, thanks,” the driver said sarcastically. “Let’s shake off these fuckers…”
He made a hard left and suddenly Kagome crashed into the short guy with pointy black hair. His angry expression could have given Sesshoumaru I-Kill-Things-For-Fun a run for his money.
“Get off me, human.”
Kagome couldn’t believe the nerve of this guy! She was handcuffed for pete’s sake!! It wasn’t like she could grab onto something and be balanced! Hell, she had a hard time of that even when she wasn’t handcuffed! (Kagome didn’t notice that she had stopped feeling offended when someone called her a ‘human’ in that tone. Yup. She was used to it alright…) Right at that moment, her wrists decided to start protesting against the chaffing of the metal. And Kagome finally lost it.
“It’s not my fault, you asshole! Blame the irresponsible fuck who can’t drive! And what are you talking about?!” Kagome looked behind her and saw nothing. “We’re not being followed!”
The short man sneered and said, “Just because your pathetic human senses cannot realize such an obvious fact does not mean the threat is not present.” And then he looked out of the window all calm and cool as if he were so awesome.
Kagome had heard enough about her ‘pathetic human senses.’ She got blamed for that way too many times in the Feudal Era as it were; she didn’t need to hear it from some annoyed, stuck-up, pretentious, little bitch of a man. Added to her full bladder and numb posterior, this was the last straw. She snapped.
“STOP THE CAR!!” she roared.
Yes. It was official. Kagome was crazy. Maybe it was the miasma she was subjected to all these years… She thrashed about in her seat, kicking the back of the driver’s side seat and waving her hands wildly. If a third-party observer saw the spectacle, he or she or it would see not much movement on Kagome’s part but rather a lot of hair action.
It was like a Pantene commercial. Long, ebony locks flowed in every direction as Kagome whipped about madly. The man sitting at her left looked at her in amazement and incredulity. His own beautiful red hair didn’t move like that. Kagome’s face was as wild as her movements. Her eyes were demented, and froth was actually starting to form around her mouth. Sexy.
Her eyes locked with the driver who was cursing like mad.
“Let me the fuck out!” she screamed as she kicked him some more.
“Ow!! What the fu-” Something rammed into them from behind. “Aw shit!” He rolled down his window as the man sitting in the front leaned over to take the wheel. The driver stuck his torso out of the window and seemed to be…aiming…with his hands?
“SPIRIT GUN!!” he screamed as a force of epic proportions shook the car. Seemingly satisfied, he rolled the window back up and continued to drive. All throughout this excitement, Kagome hadn’t stopped her hysterics. She was still kicking and screaming, yelling at him to stop.
Sighing in frustration, he looked around for somewhere to pull over. “God, can you FUCKING STOP IT WOMAN?!” The car screeched to a halt.
The driver exited the car, and so did the other three men. The guy who was sitting to her left pulled her out.
“What the fuck is your problem?!” exclaimed the driver. “Didn’t you hear Hiei say that we were being followed?”
Kagome wanted to scream. Who the fuck cared?! She needed to PEE!
“My problem?! Are you shitting me?! I get transported to the fucking FEUDAL ERA when I’m fifteen years old! I’m saddled with the great Shikon no Tama. I’ve had to deal with a pervert, a bitch, an annoying little fox demon (the red-haired man flinched at this), and an asshole who has the emotional level of a toddler EVERYDAY for THREE YEARS! I travel all across Japan in my little skirt because I’m poor and have nothing else to wear, and I look for a psycho tentacle rapist who wants to rule the world with a broken necklace, all the while dating an emotionless prick who likes to screw me senseless every chance he gets! I’m trying to save the fucking world, and I get arrested by you clowns! For time traveling! Well excuse me I didn’t have a fucking permit to travel between dimensions because you know what?! I’m a heroine and a savior to all of mankind, and if it means time traveling without a fucking license then FUCK YOU!”
She said all of this incredibly quickly. The four men just gaped at her.
“AND I NEED TO FUCKING PEE!” She stared defiantly at them before fidgeting and resuming the squirmy pee-pee dance. “Now will get rid of these?” she asked sort of lamely as she gestured to her handcuffs.
The shorty with the spiky black hair raised an eyebrow at her. Kagome’s nostrils flared. She really hated eyebrow raising. Who the hell did that except for egomaniacs like Sesshoumaru and people who thought they were the hottest thing since lava? Oh wait…that was redundant… Sesshoumaru did think he was the hottest thing since lava… plus he killed things for fun. So he was lava. Hot and kills-for-fun. Kagome shook her head. What was she thinking?
The red-haired man looked meaningfully at her and sighed. Kagome narrowed her eyes at him. Was he supposed to be the “good-cop?”
“Listen, miss,” he started.
This pissed her off too. She was Kagome! It wasn’t even that hard!
“My name is Kagome! KA-GO-ME!”
“Err…okay then. Kagome, you’ll still be handcuffed. Just…ah… I’ll close my eyes. Direct me, if you will,” he said rather politely. Kagome sighed. There was no getting out of it; this was the best she was going to get. Following the red-haired man, still cuffed, she managed to do her business without having her decency trod on more than it had been today. When she was done, he gazed at her apologetically and said, “You still have to come with us. The fact remains that you’ve been breaking our laws, saving the world notwithstanding,” he concluded, brushing his gorgeous red hair away from his eyes. Kagome’s eyes grew wide for a second. He was hot…in a sort of feminine way. Kagome felt kind of lesbian for even liking him. It sort of reminded her of…
Sesshoumaru… again. Incensed for thinking about that prick, she narrowed her eyes and made her ‘angry-face’ at the men.
“Awe guys, maybe we should just let her go…” said the ugly guy who had never spoken before until now. He was SHOTGUN! In the car.
“Kuwabara, I don’t like it anymore than you do, but we have to! Otherwise I don’t get paid,” said the driver.
“Urameshi! That’s low! Think of all the times you had to save the world and broke a ton of rules to do it!” the ugly guy a.k.a. Kuwabara said. Kagome arched an eyebrow in interest. Yes, she had completely forgotten that she was annoyed by people who arched their eyebrows.
“That was different! I was kicking ass that needed kicking now. I wasn’t screwing with time travel! Who knows?! She could really mess things up! I mean I could have made Koenma send me back in time to kill Toguro as a kid, but I didn’t since I knew that it would mess with the whole continue of time,” the driver a.k.a. Urameshi said.
The short one who was rude to her looked at Urameshi in disdain. This was better than a movie, thought Kagome. “I doubt you never asked Koenma about time travel back then because of any noble reason to protect ‘the continue of time’ as you so eloquently put it,” the short one remarked scathingly.
“Yeah, Urameshi! It’s Space Time Continuum!” Kuwabara flaunted.
“Shut it Hiei! And you too Kuwabara! Just because you’re in college doesn’t mean you’re so fucking smart! And…” Urameshi continued.
Kagome made a mental list of all their names and their faces. She couldn’t wait to spring Future Sesshoumaru on them. NO! No. She was angry at him. God, she was supposed to be angry at him!! She could get back at them herself. She didn’t need some male to protect her. She could kick their asses herself. With her handy dandy phonebook and some detective work, it would be child’s play. The red-haired one seemed to be the only one that realized the danger of Urameshi’s rant because he stopped their bickering in alarm.
“You do realize that you’re revealing yourselves to Kagome here?”
And that put an end to everything. They forced her back into the car and drove her to who-knows-where for a really long time. Kagome fell asleep due to sheer boredom (and also a little bit of relief since she got to pee and all) and didn’t wake up until a loud, blaring sound woke her up.
“GET UP BITCHES!"
Kagome could hear groans and mutters of death threats. Her eyes cracked open and adjusted to her surroundings. Gray, gray, and more gray greeted her vision….and bars?! Kagome jolted out of her bed. Wait, she was lying in a bed? No it was more like a cot. She looked down. Gone was her school uniform outfit. In its place was a baggy, gray prison uniform like the ones she saw men wear in dubbed American TV shows. Except the ones she had on right now were less orange and infinitely uglier. Kagome looked around her and saw only two things: walls and bars. And definitely no windows.
She walked over to the ‘door’ and saw hundreds of cells just like hers above her, below her…everywhere. It was official. She was in jail.
“You’ve got to be shitting me."
A/N: I’m currently taking a break from No More Heroes because there’s only so much death you can take before getting sick of it. It is not abandoned. However, I do want to finish this piece first while it’s still fresh in my head. After all, how many Inuyasha/Yu Yu Hakusho crossovers do you see where Kagome and Sesshoumaru are the main couple? Not a whole lot~!