To Be by DestinysTears

To Be

Another entry for the Ultimate Tourny found here: http://www.dokuga.com/forum/29-challenges/46246-the-ultimate-fanfic-tournament-challenge?limit=25

Title: To Be

Author: DestinysTears

Prompt: A quote from “Hamlet” by Shakespeare – “To be or not to be.”

Rating: T (mild language)

Universe: AU

Opponent: Hairann

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha nor do I profit from this fanfiction.

A/N: The prompt was “To be or not to be”, which I basically interpreted in this particular story as a choice between life or death, so you will not see any incorporations of the actual phrase in this story, save for the title. Enjoy!

Giving his damp silver tresses one last pat, Sesshomaru tossed the cotton towel towards the couch, landing it perfectly on its cushioned arm. Subsequently, a low ruffle of sheets sounded from the bed as Kagome turned on her side to face her husband making his way to their bed. As he got under the soft covers, Sesshomaru leaned forward, placing a kiss on her forehead with a small caress of her cheek.

“Goodnight,” he said to her in a hushed tone after tucking a bent arm underneath his pillow, continuing to face his body towards hers. But as his eyes closed, he felt the bed creak slightly as Kagome wiggled her way closer to him. Placing her small hands on his chest, she began to whine.

“Wait…” she whimpered, reaching up to caress the side of his neck, in hopes that he would open his eyes again.

To her elation, Sesshomaru’s lids lifted, but only to give her an amused look and a playful tease. “I thought you said you could handle horror movies,” he chuckled, a mischievous smirk gracing his lips.

“And you believed me?” Kagome chided back incredulously. However, the subtle fear was still evident in her dainty, sing-song voice.

“To tell the truth – not really,” he replied with a dark smile. Kagome frowned, giving him a little shove.

“Jerk.”

“Fine,” Sesshomaru sighed resignedly with a little shrug before allowing his eyes to close once more. Kagome squirmed again, nudging her husband awake.

“Wait…! Sesshomaru!” Kagome cried, pouting when he proceeded to cover his head with his feather pillow. With a frustrating struggle, she succeeded in prying the pillow away, only to feel herself flipped onto her back, pillow and all. Kagome giggled as Sesshomaru playfully kissed and nipped at her neck before he pulled away, moving back to his side of the bed after snatching his pillow back from her.

“Now will you go to bed, my wife?” Sesshomaru asked, tossing his pillow under his head and resuming his earliest position. She stared back at him almost with pleading eyes as her smile began to fade.

“Please stay up with me…” she whispered gently as she snuggled up closer against his firm chest. Sesshomaru sighed, casting his gaze down at his vexing, raven-haired wife.

“…I’m scared,” she mumbled into his night shirt when he failed to answer her right away. “Please…?” Kagome pulled her face away from his body to look at him with soft, pleading eyes.

Sesshomaru groaned, knowing he could never say no to those beautiful, sapphire eyes. He had really spoiled her, didn’t he?

“Alright…” he complied defeatedly while Kagome beamed in happiness at his answer. She scooted her body a little higher up on the bed so that her head lay comfortably on the section of pillow on top of Sesshomaru’s arm.

After situating herself into the most comfortable position possible, she finally lay still. However, Kagome continued to gaze at Sesshomaru, as if in doubt that he would truly stay awake with her.

“…Promise me that you won’t fall asleep?” Kagome asked quietly. Sesshomaru watched her with hooded, molten eyes before giving her a slow, yet exasperated nod.

“Sesshomaru…” Kagome frowned, obviously not satisfied with his delivery. “Promise me…?”

Bzzzznnnnggg…! Bzzzznnnnggggg…!

Sesshomaru’s eyes shot open at the sound of a piercing morning alarm. Jolting up in his bed, he brought his hand down none-too-gently on the seemingly innocent alarm clock, having realized everything had simply been a dream.

Bringing his right hand up to give his face a quick rub, he groaned inwardly, anticipating yet another long day. He lowered his hand slightly, allowing himself to stare out of his dawn-lit bedroom window in silence.

“Damn…” Sesshomaru muttered underneath his breath as he dropped his gaze to the floor. With nothing but a drained breath, the disheveled man managed to gather himself up enough to step out of bed.

Walking over to the opposite side of the room while briskly stripping off his night shirt, Sesshomaru grabbed the black slacks that were draped across the couch’s arm rest and put them on. He slipped on the white button-up immediately after, doing up the shirt as he made his way back over to the nightstand where he had left his car keys.

Midway through buttoning, he reached down to take his keys, just as a glimmer of a glass frame caught his eye. Sesshomaru paused for a moment before reaching instead for the picture frame.

In it, shining sapphire eyes looked up at him from behind the glass barrier. Long waves of ebony fell around her petite shoulders, however, none of that took away from her dazzling, cheerful smile. He himself was in the picture beside her, lovingly holding her as he placed a kiss on her lively cheeks. The moment was of pure bliss – as if nothing in the world at that time could interrupt.

But this was now, and things had changed.

Sesshomaru set down the frame for the car keys and headed for the door. Outside, his black Bentley waited for him on the concrete driveway. But as he sat down in the driver’s seat and started up the engine, his mind was entirely elsewhere.

He had tried not to think about that dream, but it was next to impossible. But how could he not? His dream, after all, was a past that he simply could not remove from his memories. But even then, Sesshomaru had no desire to forget about her either.

She had been everything to him – Kagome. She was his wife, his lover, his closest friend… She still was, although, the situation was completely different now.

It had been their three-year anniversary, and he had planned for them to have dinner together that evening. Kagome was driving alone from work to meet him at the restaurant. That day, there was an incessant downpour of rain, and heavy traffic filled all the roads. From what the police department had gathered, the driver behind her had lost control of their brakes, rear-ending Kagome’s car. Her pre-turned wheel position had sent her car into the rush of traffic. Her car had been hit three times altogether, but the first two collisions were the most severe.

When he had received the call, Sesshomaru immediately rushed over to the hospital where he was told that his wife was currently being analyzed as well as operated on in the emergency room. All he knew was that she had received several contusions to her head and a severely deep wound on the side of her forehead.

Unconsciously, Sesshomaru began to grip the wheel of his car with a little more force.

The time he spent in the waiting room for her could hardly be described as agonizing. He could remember the frequent glances at the lit “Operating” sign above the door, and the terrified looks of her family as they entered the waiting room, especially Kagome’s mother. The tears she had already cried still stained her worn face, and her hands shook ever so slightly as they clutched together in disquiet.

To the day, that had been exactly one year ago.

Sesshomaru turned his car into his company’s gray parking lot and routinely parked in his reserved slot by the towering building. After entering through its automatic doors, he rode the elevator up to the twenty-seventh floor, unable to help but feel as if all this was just pointless monotony.

But this was all he could do. This was all he did do in the past year – bury himself in work. It was the only way that would keep him from thinking about her during the day. His employees and co-workers would have thought that he had just become some cold workaholic if they hadn’t known what had happened. And they knew better than to talk about that subject, especially during work hours. Around Sesshomaru, everyone was careful with their wording, making sure not to say anything that would even suggest Kagome.

However, today was especially difficult. Even his co-workers could tell. They all kept out of his way today, and the people who did somewhat talk to him on a regular basis said no more than a handful of words. Although, there was always the exception of one certain someone, who was far from afraid of speaking freely and familiarly with him…

“Damn,” said a silver-haired man as he opened Sesshomaru’s door, successfully breaking the quiet solace of his office. “Why the hell do you always give me such a workload?”

The man in the scarlet red shirt plopped down on Sesshomaru’s couch and loosened his tie, now that the work day was drawing to a close. Sesshomaru hardly even looked up from the array of paperwork on his desk to even glance at Inuyasha, as if he was so accustomed to this sort of greeting that it hardly even fazed him.

“Perhaps, brother, if you didn’t wait until the last minute to finish all of it,” Sesshomaru said as he picked up another document to look over, “then you wouldn’t be complaining so much.”

Inuyasha simply rolled his eyes before turning his head to look at the clock. “Yeah, yeah, whatever…” he mumbled. “You know, it’s getting pretty late. Shouldn’t you be going?”

Sesshomaru set down his papers and looked at his watch, then at window. The night sky was illuminated by a blue crescent moon, and the streets were filled with flashing bright lights and bustling cars.

“…I guess so.”

As he began to gather his things, Inuyasha just sat in silence, watching as his brother intently, as if searching to find something in his usually cold demeanor. Sesshomaru opened the door and headed for the elevators, his brother following close behind. The ride was oddly quiet, even for Sesshomaru. He expected his brother to continue his obnoxious remarks, but instead, he only received contemplative silence.

When they had reached the lobby, they walked over to the sliding glass doors that led to the parking lot. Then just as they began to go their separate ways, Inuyasha finally spoke up.

“Sesshomaru,” he called after his brother, successfully stopping him. Sesshomaru turned around to look at his spontaneous brother, standing alone at the front entrance of the building. “You didn’t forget, did you?”

Sesshomaru let out an empty breath as he turned to unlock his car. Opening the door, he looked back at Inuyasha.

“No, I haven’t forgotten.”

As he drove away from the building’s now bare parking lot, Sesshomaru began to think about his brother’s words. Of course he hadn’t forgotten, but it was almost… refreshing to hear those words. And in all honesty, everything Inuyasha said was like that – refreshing.

Sesshomaru took a turn and pulled into another large parking lot, brightened by a multitude of lights. The front entrance of the building was decorated modestly with large planes of glass, acting as a kind of small roof above the entrance.

He walked in through the sliding glass doors, taking the elevator up to the third floor. Sesshomaru knew this place all too well now, rounding each corner and hallway without hesitation. After all, he had come here every night for the past year.

“Back again, Sesshomaru-san?” a kindly looking woman holding a clipboard greeted him with a worn, yet gentle smile.

Sesshomaru nodded back with subtle half-smile as he came closer to look through the glass window. A young woman with midnight black hair lay there, breathing peacefully through an oxygen mask. An IV system was hooked up to her, as was the heart rate monitor that gave out a series of steady beeps.

“…How is she?” he asked almost uncertainly, as if this was the one thing he could not grow used to saying.

“Still asleep, but she is doing well,” she answered as she quickly looked over the patient’s chart.

Sesshomaru just stood there in front of the glass, watching his wife in aching silence. His hand gripped the frame of the glass window, staring at Kagome’s still form.

The nurse glanced at the forlorn man; he was always like this when he looked at her. As if he was lost, as if in pain – almost empty.

“You can go see her, if you like,” the woman said as she turned also to gaze at the girl who had so captured his heart. “It’s been a year… Hasn’t it?” she stated as she looked back at the clipboard, more to herself than anyone.

“…Yes,” he whispered, still standing there for about another minute before finally moving to enter the glass room.

Sesshomaru gazed at the sleeping Kagome, now nothing obstructing him from looking at her face to face. Turning his attention to the bouquet of flowers in his left hand, he walked slowly to her bedside and set the flowers down on the small table there.

Pulling up a chair, Sesshomaru sat beside her for a minute or two before tentatively reaching down to hold her hand, hardly noticing the feel of the plastic heart rate device that clamped around her index finger.

 As they sat in silence there, Sesshomaru was taken back to the day of the accident, and the certain events that had followed it.

After Kagome was taken from the emergency room, she was placed in a regular hospital bed and was expected to recover within the next couple days. From what they found, her injuries had consisted of a variety of bruises and a deep gash on the left side of her forehead; the only injuries they had been seriously concerned about were the two contusions to her head. The doctors had suspected the possibility of brain damage, but they presumed that she would recover normally. Nevertheless, only time could tell.

And truly, it did. Soon, those days of waiting by her bedside turned into weeks, and those weeks turned into months. Within the first couple of weeks, she had been promoted to the intensive care unit and given another full analysis. But even without the analysis, it almost went without saying that what she was experiencing was a full-blown coma.

He could remember clearly the way his heart felt like it had been torn from his chest when he heard the news. That day, he had just sat beside her still form, clenching the bed sheets that covered her glaringly tight while the tears that ran down the planes of his face seemed to leave him with nothing but burning trails of fire.

Sesshomaru asked the doctors what could be done to help her, but they could not give him the answer he wanted to hear. They said that the only thing he could do at this time was to wait for her to come out of the coma on her own…

He ran his thumb comfortingly along the top of her delicate hand while he searched every inch of her face for some sign of her presence. A flutter of her eyes, a parting of her lips – anything. As always, it was only another futile yet wretchedly familiar hope.

His eyes lingered on her pale, yet angelic face, finding his hold on her hand tightening. The man simply remained like that, as if in a daze – despondent and distant.

After a while had passed, Sesshomaru broke his gaze. He glanced up for a moment through the glass, long enough to note the absence of Kagome’s customary nurse.

As the silver-haired man stood he looked down at his serene, sleeping wife, feeling an almost unbearable pang in his heart, yet at the same time, a small comfort. Still holding his her motionless hand, Sesshomaru leaned down, lowering her oxygen mask so that it hung limply around her neck. Gently, as if one sheer movement would shatter her fragile frame, he pressed his lips against hers in a kiss. Pulling back, he looked at her with empty amber-gold orbs, unable to help but feel the subtle yet cold hurt of disappointment.

He half-smiled at her wistfully, suddenly feeling a painful sting in his nose. Releasing her hand, he tucked it under the blue blanket, shielding her from the airy chill of the hospital room. Reaching forward, he replaced the plastic mask before lightly touching the side of her cheek with a slow, deliberate speed.

“…Happy anniversary,” Sesshomaru told her, almost inaudibly, pausing for a fleeting moment before turning to leave. Stealing one last glimpse at his sleeping wife, he left without another word.

As he drove home, Sesshomaru thought of the way he had held her hand, and kissed her lifeless lips. But not once had Kagome stirred. She just lay there, in silence, almost as if she were taunting him. But what pained him more than anything else was much more complex than that.

The fact that his touch and voice was not enough – that was the worst agony. He could hold her hand, but she wouldn’t feel it. He could tell her how much he loved her, but she wouldn’t acknowledge it. And no matter how much he desired for her to return to him, none of that would change a thing. Was he really that worthless?

Soon, Sesshomaru arrived back at home and parked. Making his way to the front door, he didn’t even bother to lock his car, but at the rate he was going, what did it matter? The world had lost its appeal to him a long time ago when the accident happened.

Throwing the keys on the nightstand of his room, he sat on the edge of the mattress, leaning forward as his hands cradled his head.

Honestly, what left had this world to offer him? Sex? Vanities? Money? The thought was laughable. What was it worth? None of it could bring back his wife.

Running his hands through his hair, he groaned, feeling the familiar sting rise in his nose. He couldn’t help but wonder how this happened. How could Kagome leave him so easily – just like that? One moment, she was safe and within his grasp; the next, she was gone.

Eyes burning with anger, hurt, and remorse, he opened the nightstand’s drawer, groping through its contents to find a small, plastic container.

Sleep – it was the only escape from these torturous thoughts he endured every night, but such sweet things could only be achieved through artificial means for him.

Sesshomaru opened the pill bottle, looking down at the round, white tablets. The pills were the only thing that could keep him from staying up all night – from worrying, wondering, wishing… If it weren’t for them, he knew he would lose his right mind.

…But in reality, how far was he from insanity? And if one or two pills could take away one night’s worth of agony, then what could six or seven do? Or nine or ten?

Why should he continue on living when the world had nothing to give but endless agony and unbearable sorrow? Especially when the one thing he wanted most in the world couldn’t be given to him?

Sesshomaru hesitated for a moment before pouring a small handful of white tablets into his palm. After looking at them for a minute or two in contemplative silence, he raised the small handful to his lips.

Then, as if he had just now realized what he was truly doing, Sesshomaru pulled away his hand, pouring the pills back into its container and closing the lid. Shaking his head, he covered his face with his hand as he lay back on the bed.

“…What the hell am I doing…?” Sesshomaru muttered, pulling his hand away from his face. He stilled, now allowing for the songs of the crickets to be heard.

As he turned his head to the side, a familiar glimmer caught his eye. Reaching out towards the nightstand, he picked up the small glass frame. The picture of them together looked just the same as it always had, yet this time, it was as if he remembered all the important things he had somehow forgotten along the way.

Turning on his side, he propped up the glass picture frame on Kagome’s side of the bed, studying it silently.

He knew Kagome wouldn’t have wanted him to feel so conflicted over her. But he also knew that Kagome wouldn’t have wanted to see him give up so defeatedly, as if there was no other way out.

And even then, his death wouldn’t help anything, even if in doing so, he no longer had to endure love’s suffering. Being selfish brought nothing but the loss of a chance to see her again.