A Series of Stupidity by ItsyBitsySpider

A Series of Stupidity

Characters: SessxKag, mentions of others
Summary: List of things to do when the girlfriend isn’t home (try not to get caught). There was a reason to the idiocy.  She was sure of it.  She just didn’t know what it was.
Dedication: Mako
Rating: T
Warning: OOC, randomness, crack, things that don’t exactly add up.  Stuff.  >.>

xXx

It all started on a Saturday, the first Saturday of the month.  Kagome had just gotten home from a long, hard, exhausting day at work.  All she wanted to do was curl up in bed and go to sleep.  However, the moment she stepped into the house, she had to pause and tilt her head.

Was that music?

Curious, she quickly and quietly closed the door, then inched down the hallway toward Sesshomaru’s room.  The door was cracked open, and I Can’t Decide by Scissor Sisters was seeping into the hallway.

However, that wasn’t what made Kagome freeze and drop her car keys.

Inside his room, initially oblivious to his audience, was of course Sesshomaru.  And inside his room, thinking himself unwatched and alone, Sesshomaru was dancing.

To Scissor Sisters.  In the middle of his floor.  And it wasn’t even the normal guy-ish swaying or bobbing his head.  He was break dancing.

Break dancing.  You know, that dance style one normally does to techno.  And he was doing it to Scissor Sisters.

“What is wrong with you?!”

Sesshomaru, standing on his head, suddenly fell to the floor with a crash.  Silence descended before he chanced a look at her.  “Um...”

“Um?  UM?!  You were break dancing to Scissor Sister, you lunatic!” she cried, unable to stop staring at him.

Sesshomaru coughed in embarrassment while the song ended and then started to repeat.  Kagome groaned.  “Seriously?  How long have you been AT this?”

He slowly got to his feet, brushing his hands on his blue jeans and trying to regain his dignity.  Trying.  “Um... two hours.  Give or take,” her boyfriend responded sheepishly.

She turned and thumped her head against the wall.  “Excuse me while I go try and gouge my eyes out,” she said, turning out of the room.

“Wait!” he cried, lurching forward and clamping onto her arm.  “Don’t do that.  I like your eyes.”

“Well, you know what?  I don’t.  I will never be able to unsee that.”

“Unsee isn’t a word.”

Kagome glared at him.  “Don’t change the subject, mister,” she snapped, poking him in the chest.  “I am mentally scarred for life, you know.  Not only were you break dancing, you were failing at it.”

He scowled.  “I fail at nothing.”

Her eyes rolled.  “Right.  I forgot.  You’re Mr. Perfect,” she deadpanned.

“I am perfect,” he replied, arching a brow.  Then, smoothly, he added, “Which would be why I am worthy of you.”

She was unimpressed.  “Flattery, Sess, will get you nowhere.”  And with that, she turned on her heel and stomped off.

Thing number one: break dance (please make sure the song is techno before you attempt this, otherwise you just look stupid).

xXx

She didn’t expect to catch him at it again.  Well, not the break dancing.  But the pure male stupidity.

He had her underwear.

Her underwear.  He sat in her room, rummaging through her underwear drawer, a magazine on the floor beside him.  The model on the front had on lingerie.  … come to think of it, she had those panties...

Waitaminute.

“GET OUT OF MY UNDERWEAR, YOU PERVERT!!” she screeched.

Sesshomaru leapt three feet in the air and landed on his feet, looking around wildly.  “Wait, what?  Who did- I’ll get them!” he cried and darted past her out the door.

Three, two, one-

“WAIT!  YOU CON ARTIST!!!” she screamed after him, realizing what he’d just done.

Luckily, he hadn’t done anything... untoward to her poor panties...

Thing number two: Pantie raiding (note that doing what your friends say worked for them will not always work for you; plan ahead for emergency escape)

xXx

When in doubt, get drunk.  When that doesn’t work, put on women’s make up (this is only logical if you are still drunk).

Kagome walked into her house, saw the slumber party going on (Sesshomaru, Inuyasha, Koga, Hojo and Shippo) and walked right back outside.

Then, she walked inside the house once more and kicked everyone else out, making sure to get her make up back from them.

She made Shippo strip before he could leave the house with her little black dress.

Thing number three: Get drunk.  Please remember that while getting drunk, it is a bad idea to start wondering what it feels like to be female (they are women and you will never understand them).

xXx

After that fiasco, Kagome was forced to clean the entire house.  Halfway through doing so, she got a call from the police.

“Hello?  Higurashi/Taisho residence.”

“Is this Miss Higurashi?  We have Mr.s Taisho, Kitsune, Hojo and Ookami here that claim to have been staying at your house... they were downtown making a ruckus.  Could you please come pick them up?  Please?”

The woman sounded very anxious, so Kagome quickly agreed.  When she got downtown and picked them up, she learned that they had been propositioning woman, Miroku-style.

The problem had not been them at all.  It had been the women fighting over who would have Sesshomaru’s children.

Goddamnit.

Thing number four: Pick up chicks.  When doing so, please try not to proposition more than one at a time.  Doing so may result in a bloodbath.

xXx

The last straw came when Sesshomaru set the kitchen on fire.  And when I say ‘on fire’ I don’t mean ‘a little burst of too much flame on the stove’.  I mean ‘the fire was climbing up the walls’.

Kagome, unfortunately for her, walked in on this.  Her eyes widened when Sesshomaru went for the sink.  “NOT WATER!” she shrieked, diving for the pantry.  “That’ll make it worse!”

Quickly, she retrieved the fire extinguisher and used it.  Soon, they were covered in a faint white mist from the extinguisher and smoke was escaping through the open back door.

Kagome sighed in relief once she was sure it was all out, then turned to glare at Sesshomaru.  “What the hell is wrong with you?” she demanded irritably.  “First you’re breakdancing to music that should not be breakdanced to.  Then you start going through my underwear, then you get drunk and almost cheat on me.  So please, Sesshomaru, explain to me what has been going through your damned head?  What is making you behave this way?”

He frowned and looked away.  “I have been preparing.  And bonding.  That was the underwear thing.”

“Bonding?  With who?!” she demanded incredulously.

“With Sota,” was the placid reply.

She rolled her eyes and walked out of the kitchen, towards the living room that was a little less full of harmful smoke.  “And why would you be doing that?”

He shrugged.  “It is important that I have him on my side.”

Kagome plopped down on the couch and crossed her arms.  “Just explain it.  I refuse to play twenty questions.”

He nodded and sat down beside her.  “The breakdancing... Shippo informed me that some girls were impressed by that, so I was practicing.  Clearly, you are not one of those girls, so I gave up.”  He shrugged.

“And raiding my panty drawer?” she demanded, eyes narrowed.

Sesshomaru coughed.  “That was bonding.  Sota said it was ‘fun’, but I had never tried it.”

“Uhg.  You took advice on fun from a teenage boy?”

“Bonding,” he repeated firmly.  “Unfortunately, I wasn’t sure what to do with the undergarments after I had them, and you walked in before I could figure it out.”

She rolled her eyes.  “Okay, whatever.  Continue.”

The inu sighed.  “After that, I was a little depressed about how you had been ignoring me since the panty thing...  Shippo realized this and decided to have a party.  Unfortunately, all of his friends are afraid of your wrath and did not show up, so we got drunk on our own.  I do not remember much, but apparently, we decided that the best way to understand women was to dress like them.”

Kagome snorted, but didn’t interject.

“Clearly, that was more the alcohol than it was common sense.  I do not remember anything about anything after that, so what we were thinking then will forever remain a mystery.”  Gold eyes slid toward her.  “And as for today...”

“The fire?”  She gave him a dry look.

“I was trying to cook a romantic dinner.  However, I had to go kill a demon after the shikon and then forgot about the food on the stove.  Gas stove...  open fire... paper towels on the back of it... bad combination.”

“I’ll say,” Kagome muttered.  “We’ll have to get a new stove now.”  She sighed.  “So this was all just a random series of events?  You never did explain why you were trying to cozy up to my brother...”

Sesshomaru suddenly looked a little nervous, shifting in his seat.  “Ah, that.”

“That,” she echoed, eyes narrowing on him.

“Well...”

“Yes?”

“You see...”

“Just spit it out, Sesshomaru.  You aren’t going anywhere until you do,” she informed him.

He sighed and got up, retrieving something (a black box?) from the mantel over the fake fireplace.  “As he is the man of the house, it is the demon way to get his permission....”  He knelt on one knee in front of her.  “So I had to have him on my side.  Rather simple a mission, considering he’s a human teenager.”

Her eyes were riveted on the box he held up at that moment.  “Really?” she murmured, trying to quell her excitement.

“Yes,” he replied.  “The reason is... I needed that so I could ask you to marry me.  Normally, a demon such as I would wish for a mating, but as you are a human - and a miko - you should be courted in the human manner.”

Kagome swallowed when he opened the box, revealing a silver and diamond engagement ring.  It was absolutely gorgeous, and she couldn’t think of what to say.  Well, except, “Don’t open it!  The smoke will damage it!”

Sesshomaru chuckled.  “Right.  Kagome, will you just say ‘yes, Sesshomaru, I will marry you’?”

“Okay.  Yes, I’ll marry you!  Now shut it!”  Despite her words, she threw her arms around his shoulders before he could close it, hugging him tightly.  “Thank you,” she added, starting to cry.

“Thank you,” he replied, amused.

And they lived happily ever after.

Well... after they spent two hours arguing while they cleaned up the smoke damage.

xXx

This gave me a lot of trouble, for some reason, but it is finally finished.  It is unbeta’d, so I will likely be updating it at some point, but I hope you like it anyway.  For Mako, who is being a dear and drawing me Shinji in return.