Sans Cors by Kanazawa

Coffee, Tea, and Magic Mugs

Kagome awoke. Her raven locks meandered over the the root-filled embrace of the aged tree she had used as a pillow.  Gradually, the sleep-filled haze that filled each muscle and fibre of her body gave way to action, and the beginnings of coherent thought began to flit through the miko's mind.

Coffee, I need coffee. The thought floated around her mind, conjuring various images of her early morning routine: an apron-clad Mrs. Higurashi bustling around the kitchen, deftly maneuvering around frantic school children, efficiently managing the goings-on of the Higurashi kitchen. While breakfast at the Higurashi household meant many things to Mrs. Higurashi, to Kagome it meant coffee.

A slow smile spread across the miko's face. She could still picture in her mind's eye her mother preparing coffee in her favorite mug. It was of simple design really, just a plain white mug with blue letters scrawled across the surface of one side. It read: "There cannot be a crisis this week, my schedule is already full."

Shifting her position, Kagome gathered her legs as they lay sprawled along the forest floor. Steadying her hand against the tree behind her, Kagome sat up and sighed. How she wished it were that easy! It was just that crises were so uncooperative, popping up at inopportune times, and they had a nasty habit of occurring one right after the other.

Why couldn't there be a limit--something like one a week?  One crisis per week would be manageable.  Or, if she could just reschedule crises to a more convenient time; she felt it was a reasonable enough request. With all the crises she had gone through in the Sengoku Jidai, if it was all a matter of scheduling, she was sure she could handle it.

Maybe, she thought, maybe crises occur in droves because they aren't aware there is a limit. Yes, that must be it, they just don't know. I should bring my mug. Then, I could point it out to them. In her mind she imagined herself having a quiet conversation with crisis B, describing that crisis A was here first and that B would have to wait until tomorrow; she imagined herself confronting crisis C, and, pointedly reading her mug, rescheduling to next week; she imagined herself taking on a hoard of crises at once and disbanding them left and right with a wave of her magic mug. Champion of Crises! I would brandish my mug at any untimely crises and poof! Rescheduled to next week, Saturday. A strange happiness spread through Kagome as she imagined herself conquering over-amorous wolves, sword-obsessed dog demons, and soul-sucking priestesses. Haha! Take that, Kikyo! If I could pencil you in on my schedule, it would be under the 15th of Neverary.

Gathering her focus, Kagome tried to piece together her wandering thoughts. I went from coffee, to mom in the kitchen, to vanquishing foes with mugs. Her thoughts had been so uncharacteristically flighty this morning, ethereal almost. She shrugged. I'll just have to keep better track. She chuckled at her random musings and her tinkling laughter echoed off the nearest trees.

Stretching languidly, she cleared the sleep-induced fog from her mind. Gathering her strength to stand, she pushed off the ground and settled into a relaxed stance.

She felt refreshed. For the first time in a long time, she had been allowed to sleep until her body awoke naturally. When she travelled with Inuyasha it was rare that he let her sleep in so late. Even after Naraku's defeat, Inuyasha had insisted upon early wake up calls. Until yesterday, the thought rose, unbidden, and left in its wake a mirage of unwanted and unwelcome images.  

It was their duty, he reminded them.  They had to find all of the Shikkon shards.  They had to complete the jewel.

Well, they had, and they did—yesterday.   

Ah, yes, yesterday, she thought feebly. Until yesterday there had been early wake up calls. Until yesterday, there had been the Shikkon no Tama. Until yesterday, she thought bitterly, I had been ALIVE! Today I'm dead!

Not dead, really. Her mind reminded her. No, Kagome wasn't really dead. Her knees buckled, and she fell to the ground in a heap.

I'm a ghost. The thought ricocheted throughout her skull, crushing any other errant thought. Kagome lay still, until even the echoes of that one resounding phrase grew quiet. Fixing her cerulean eyes on the tree above her, she studied its harsh outline against the clear winter sky.

How had that fact slipped her mind? She wondered. Consternation frowned upon her brow as she endeavoured to recall what had occupied her mind this morning. Coffee, mom, magic mugs.

I want my mug.  A tiny mewl escaped her lips as the tears started to well in her eyes.  What is keeping me here? She wondered.  If somebody waved their mug at me, would I dissappear?  With that image playing behind her expressive eyes, the miko remained motionless for some time.

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The winter sun glared overhead, casting long shadows over the damp forest floor. Kagome shivered from where she sat crouched beneath the boughs of her erstwhile companion, the black poplar tree.

A harsh caw broke the eerie silence of Inuyasha's forest as one of its denizens took flight, successfully shattering the miko's concentration and startling her into an uneasy sense of awareness.

How long have I just been sitting here? Kagome turned her face towards the sun.  It glared down at her from its zenith.  She glanced at her watch.  It read 12:30 PM. She had been lost inside her memories for over an hour. Inwardly cringing at the passing of time, the miko focused her gaze out onto the scenery before her.

In front of her stretched Inuyasha's forest; immediately behind her, she knew, stood the tall poplar tree, under which she had spent a night of blissful repose. Further behind her and to the east, she could feel the steady thrum of magic that coursed through the bone eater's well. She was at least a day's hike from Kaede's village and from her friends.

Picking herself up off the cold ground, Kagome ran her hand over the smooth bark of the poplar tree in thanks for its one-time companionship. Her fingers, translucent and filtering even the weak rays of the winter sun, passed through the tree.

She stared absentmindedly at the offending appendage, as if it belonged to some other being entirely. Then, it clicked in her mind. That was her hand--her very human hand--and it was passing through a very solid tree.

Kagome's eyes widened; her face strained with effort. I am no longer a human. Regardless of previous denial, the evidence was inescapable. Her hand had just passed through a tree. Her mind reeled as it fought to grasp a hold over her non-corporeal nature. So, Kagome did what any once-human would do when confronted with their lack of humanity, she ran.

Away from the well and the safety and comforts of home, away from the village and her steadfast companions, she fled without direction or destination. Tearing through the forest, Kagome focused on placing one foot in front of the other.  She ran from herself and a yesterday that she couldn't quite escape.

Yes, that's it Kagome. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. She told herself. To keep her mind occupied, she began to count each of her strides which carried her further away from familiar territory. She concentrated on the crash of her footfalls and the scratching of each labored breath. Even with her careful efforts, Kagome felt certain the entire forest was alerted to her presence.

One-thousand and one, one-thousand and two, one-thousand and... Kagome's mind faltered. Concentrating on numbers could distract one's mind from the onslaught of pressing memory for only so long. She slowed to a walk as she came to a clearing.  There was a distant look on her face. Her porcelain features, etched with a sharp pain, were evidence that the miko's thoughts lay elsewhere.

Sango, Miroku, Shippo, unbidden, the images of her friends surfaced in her mind. Then Inuyasha, Kikyo... her expression grew darker. She felt her brows draw together, the tension building along her forehead.  She clenched her jaw. They had all been there, her mind continued within that memory, Kaede, too, standing outside her hut. She easily recalled that day. The atmosphere, thick with a sense of anticipation, hung on its own breath. Even the surrounding forest dimmed to a hushed whisper with expectation for a wish, a wish that would take the Shikkon no Tama out of existence.

In her mind's eye, Kagome watched the faces of her friends fill with trepidation as Inuyasha drew the completed Shikkon out from his haori sleeve. She could still see Shippo's small frame, hopping around in a vain effort to stem his excitement; Sango as her hand passed over Hiraikotsu, a classic gesture, a tell-tale sign of nervousness within the demon exterminator; Miroku's face, the small cloud of dismay that hung over his brow, the only sense of urgency belying his calm expression.

Kikyo was there too. The thought came from one of the recesses in her mind. Yes, Kikyo was there. But, she had pointedly avoided looking at the undead miko. At this point, Kagome almost wished she had. Perhaps it would have served her better now. Yeah, well, hind-sight is twenty-twenty, she replied, silencing that gnawing sense of doubt.

Squashing that growing sense of remorse, images once more began unfolding before the reluctant miko. She took in the anxious countenances of her friends, and measured their fears and expectations with her own. Following that, she glanced over at Kaede, hoping to gain a modicum of composure from the aged miko's stare. Yes, I remember glancing at Kaede, but... Before she could read into that wizened stare, her attention had been stolen away by something else, Inuyasha's voice.

She stopped.  A captive of her own mind, Kagome watched on helpless as her mind transported her back into memories she had no desire to visit.  She saw Inuyasha raise the jewel within his palm and prepare to utter his wish.

Unable to turn away, Kagome watched on with a growing horror. Each word that fell from the hanyou's lips tore across her mind, echoing mercilessly throughout its farthest reaches:

"I wish Kikyo was alive."

Reacting to his wish, the jewel pulsed once, and encircled the younger miko. If Kagome concentrated hard enough, she could still feel the power of the Shikkon no Tama as it engulfed her within its pulsating aura. It caressed her body like some deadly lover, coaxing her soul to its will. Each ebb of that holy power eroded away Kagome's carefully constructed control, leaving the miko defenseless to the commands of the wish.

Then, as quickly as it began, it ended. The Kagome's soul erupted from her body, merging with its complement within Kikyo. For a brief moment in time, Kagome felt both within and without her own body. Then, all connections were severed as Kagome's completed soul surged to life, pulsing within the bosom of the undead miko.

Un-undead miko, her mind correct for her. Kikyo was very much alive now; her beating breast sustained by the palpitations of Kagome's own soul.  Kagome wildly clutched at her chest lost in the thoeroes of memory. Her efforts were futile-- her soul lost.

It had only taken one moment, one ill-conceived wish. Her soul wrenched from her body, and placed within the breast of another standing not ten feet from her. She could feel her corporeal essence dissipate into the air, like a morning mist with the first rays of the dawning sun.

Then all hell broke loose, Kagome thought with a wry smile, remembering the chaos that ensued after Inuyasha's wish. At first, shock registered on each face, but as the two souls synthesized and Kagome faded from existence, shock gave way to pandemonium.

Sango reacted first. "Inuyasha, how could you!" she screamed, watching as her almost-sister dissolved before her very eyes. Years of pent up frustration at seeing her best-friend constantly spurned in favor of the living dead, she rushed at Inuyasha, punching indiscriminately. Hunched over, grief racked her body, her blows accompanied with indiscernible sobs.

With Sango's violent reaction, a terrible reality began to settle within the young kit's mind. His small face looked around for any sign of her slight form, a plaintive "Momma." coming across his lips. Distraught now, the young kit frantically searched the village square, his cries of "momma" getting louder and louder.

Kagome watched as her almost-son tore through the village, pausing in every hut, occupied or not, looking for his mother. Following his cries, Kagome stopped in front of her young kit.

"It's okay. Momma's here." she said, quietly trying to soothe the young one's turbulent emotions.

Shippo stared right through her. Perhaps, I didn't speak loud enough, she thought. Trying again, Kagome, a little more authority in her tone, spoke:

"It's okay. Momma's here, Shippo. There's no need for tears." as she kneeled and opened her arms.

However, the kit did not jump into the young miko's waiting embrace. Looking closer to hysterics, the kit turned away and continued his search. Her words had fallen on deaf ears. Turning from her confused kit, Kagome approached Sango, where she stood, half-heartedly punching the confused hanyou. Placing a translucent hand on the demon exterminator's shoulder, she urged:

"Sango it's alright. I'm right here. Save your strength. You can beat up Inuyasha some other time, when he's done something really bad." Kagome gently tried to disentangle the distraught demon exterminator's form. But, it seemed like Sango wasn't listening. Shippo and Sango are just too caught up, too distraught. Her mind reassured herself. Spying the monk, Kagome turned her pleas the attentive ears of Miroku. Standing in front of his composed form, she entreated the monk:

"Miroku, you have got to stop this. Shippo and Sango don't realize I'm here." But with that, the monk stared straight through her, unmoved. It was then that Kagome realized: They can't see me. I don't exist to them anymore.

Kagome blanched. She was dead to her best-friends, her second family. I am less than a ghost. Her mind thought bitterly. If I was a ghost my friends would be able to see me. I am not a ghost. Her mind worked frantically, I'm some sort of soulless spirit, and my friends, my friends can't see me. Wild now, Kagome ran to everyone, anyone she could see.

"I'm right here! I'm right here!" She screamed over and over, willing her friends the ability to see her. She shook Inuyasha, yelling in his face. But, all her efforts were in vain. No matter how many times she screamed or yelled, nobody turned their head in her direction, no one placed a comforting hand on the troubled miko. Distraught and helpless, the miko fell to the ground in the middle of the village square. Adrift in a world where Kagome did not exist, she sat listless and observed the resulting bedlam.

When Shippo realized he was without a mother, he launched himself a top the hanyou's head, wailing into Inuyasha's sensitive ears. A boundless grief poured over the kit and rolled over in waves, just as a river breaks its flood-gates after a torrential storm.

Sango continued to strike Inuyasha, her blows slowly softening as rage gave way to grief, while Miroku stared wide-eyed at the turmoil, unsuccessfully trying to piece his thoughts together. He glanced at Kaede, pleading, hoping to find within her the voice of reason they all so desperately needed.

Catching Miroku's eye, Kaede reluctantly took up the burden of authority. Her uncompromising voice rang clear, piercing through the madness that had laid hold over the companions.

"Stop!"

With that, the chaos ceased. Sango's punches, Shippo's wailing, and Miroku's frantic mind stilled at the commanding tone of the aged miko.

A look of deep-rooted sadness etched itself into each line of her aged face, as Kaede directed the bereaved companions towards to sanctity of her modest hut. She sighed as she pressed aside the flap at the entrance to her home, wishing that grief were so easily pushed aside.

"Come, we have much to talk about." She said, as she ushered a dazed hanyou and the rest of his companions into the relative warmth of her house. A tense silence enveloped the room as everyone settled themselves about the hearth at the center of the room. Unbeknownst to her friends, the object of their grief followed quietly behind. Standing in a spot near the door, Kagome listened, hoping to hear something that would shed some light on her new condition.

Shippo, Sango, and Miroku seated themselves as far away from the hanyou and his companion. Sango's body trembled with suppressed rage and restraint, and it was only out of deference and respect for the elder miko that kept the demon exterminator from exercising her skill. While no less angry than the rest, Miroku placed a restraining the kit. Kaede's earlier tone brooked no argument, and it pained him to think of his steadfast companions coming to blows. With that thought foremost in his mind, Miroku looked to Kaede's grave face for the answers he and so many others desperately sought.

"Inuyasha," Kaede began carefully, trying to draw the hanyou out of his dazed stupor. While his posture radiated pain and confusion, at the sound of his name, Inuyasha's head snapped up, attentive and alert.

"Inuyasha," she began again slowly, "and Shippo and Sango." Reluctantly, the latter pair turned their smoldering gazes away from the disoriented hanyou. Kaede continued, "There is something you need to know. Something that is taught to those of the holy orders such as myself and Miroku."

Before Kaede could get any further, Sango broke in, "What happened to Kagome?" she demanded. A hint of desperation tinged her voice.

A sigh escaped Kaede as she responded, "The young one is dead. When Inuyasha wished for Kikyo's life, the jewel used Kagome's soul to complete Kikyo's soul." At this, the young kit clung to Sango, burying his nose into the crook at Sango's neck. Sango could feel the young kits tears as they cooled a path on her shoulder.

"What?! Why?!" Sango exclaimed. "Why Kagome's soul? Couldn't it have just filled it up with... I don't know... something else, anything else?"

Placing a gentle hand on Shippo's head in comfort, the monk replied, "There is a law, a law that governs both the land of the living, and the land of the dead. It states: One soul, one body. While both Kikyo and Kagome were alive, that balance was upset, one soul existing in two bodies. While this anomaly continued, both Kikyo and Kagome lived, each with less than a complete soul. However, given the law, in order to complete the soul, one soul would need to be forcefully removed from one person or the other. When Inuyasha wished for Kikyo's soul, the jewel had no recourse but to use the last of Kagome's soul to complete it." Grief clouded the youth's violet eyes, and he fought to keep his voice steady. "That is why Kikyo is here, and Kagome isn't."

Kagome's heart lurched at those words. She was dead to her friends. Her companions, her faithful companions, could not see her. Her friends couldn't help her now. Her spirit form, whatever it was, was invisible. Without a way to interact, she was just at useless to them as they were to her. If she was ever to be with her friends again, she needed help.

Standing in the doorway of Kaede's hut, Kagome made up her mind. She would see her friends again, and, more importantly, they would see her. With a lingering gaze, she wordlessly said goodbye

I just hope it isn't forever. A sad smile graced the miko's features, as she turned and walked out of Kaede's hut. She pointedly ignored the feeling that as she walked out of Kaede's hut, she walked out of her friends' lives. I will see them again. And they will see me. She vowed to herself as she left.

That was how she had ended up, alone, with only a lone poplar tree for company, on a journey to find herself. That was how she had started out this morning, walking without direction or destination. Walking, her mind reminded her. She had gotten lost within her thoughts once again. I thought I told myself to keep better track, NOT to let my thoughts run away with me. She chided herself gently. Slowly, she climbed out of the world her memory had created for her and into the present. I am supposed to be walking. Once again, Kagome began the tedious task of placing one foot in front of the other.

"One, two, three, four, fi---," her body stopped mid-stride, her voice stopped, mid-count. She felt something, a distinct something. It was...pulsing. Inexplicably drawn, Kagome turned her feet towards the source of that power.

West, she was heading west. That much her mind told her. As she drew nearer and nearer, the pulse grew stronger. Before it was just a slight tingle, now, she could feel it reverberating throughout her entire being, pulling by some unseen force. It urged Kagome onwards.

She began to run. The power called to her, and she answered that call. Sprinting now, she ran, disregarding any and all obstacles. Trees within her path, she just passed on through. Streams and creeks, she skimmed over, delicately alighting on the water's surface.

Closer and closer she drew. The power lay just beyond that ridge, past the line of pine trees. Racing over the ridge, she jumped into the safety of the clearing, and ran into something solid.

Kagome recoiled as she tumbled with the force of the impact. A jumbled mass of limbs, Kagome gathered her wits about her. I'm a spirit. Her mind told her a little confused. How could I run into something solid? She asked herself. Still dazed from her fall, Kagome shook her head, clearing it after her dive. Turning her questioning eyes about her, she searched for the power source that had drawn her here.

However, as her cerulean eyes gazed forward, all her thoughts vanished, dissolving into an inky nothingness. Kagome stilled. She had run into the Ruler of the West, literally.

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