Broken Convictions by Phirst

Unbearable

Author's Note- The original was posted on Dokuga_Contest on August 20, 2009. It won first place for the prompt 'Sihlouettes'. For some reason I thought I had posted this before my impromtu hiatus, but it would seem I haven't. I know I have a second chapter (and I think half of a third) floating around my hardrive, so hopefully I can update it soon. Enjoy and prod me if anything needs correcting!

---

Cool fingers traced invisible patterns lazily across the smooth skin of her back, sending a thrill of anticipation with each teasing stroke. Warm masculine lips soon ghosted over the same patterns, leaving behind a trail of open mouthed kisses. Heated blue locked with molten gold as a devilish smirk curled both observers lips in complete understanding.

It was moments like this that Kagome would miss the most. When it was hard to tell where she ended and he began.

There was a time when she had believed she could endure anything for him, her lover, her friend, her husband and mate. But reality's heavy weight had dealt her a heavy blow. There was something she could not bear to endure.

She could not bear to be the other woman.

---

The refreshing touch of the late afternoon breeze had managed to calm her nerves. Somewhat. For the majority of the day she had been dodging the other inhabitants of the palace. The strange looks tossed in her direction had set her on edge. Pity and sympathy had mixed with cruelty and self-righteousness. All were looks she cared not to have directed at her. She wanted to run to Sesshoumaru then, but he had been locked in meetings and negotiation all morning, as he had been for nearly a full week. Instead she had fled the palace halls for the open spaces of the forests and gardens.

“Why does everyone keep looking at me as if I have some terminal illness?” She had whispered the question to her ever present guard, Noboruki, as they walked through the quiet gardens.

Over the past few months she had come to appreciate her friendly, though unabashedly trenchant, guard. He seemed to always know the latest gossip floating around the palace and was always eager to inform her of the newest scandals, including his opinion on whether or not the gossip was true. Noboruki had been the first friend she had managed to make within her new home when she had been presented to the populace as Sesshoumaru's intended. She always turned to him with her questions when she could not ask her mate for the information. The last week he had been rather quiet, which added to her feeling of wrongness.

He had stiffened at her question with a look of unease flitting over his face. Alarm had raced through her system at his reaction. “I am forbidden to say, Kagome-sama. Only Sesshoumaru-sama can tell you.”

“Forbidden?”

A quick nod of his head was all she could pry from him. She could not help but feel there was something painful looming in her future.

She stood in the center of her favorite garden, face upturned as she breathed deeply the lightly perfumed air. Normally the organized wildness of the blooms surrounding her helped calm and soothe her, but today the little garden had little effect on her ruffled being.

With each flickering thought her mind drew more drastic scenarios and possible events that could cause such ruckus. Her aura pulsated in an erratic dance as her anxiety and fear rose with each passing thought. In minutes flat she had managed to work herself up into a frenzy, allowing her miko powers to slip her control. Being surrounded by demons only exasperated the situation. Noboruki's aura reacted to the threat she posed, which then agitate those near them. It was a chain reaction that would no doubt end in someone being severely injured or worse.

“Kagome.”

Her head snapped up to look at the commanding presence of her beloved. He approached slowly as her miko powers started to deflate and recede back within the barrier of her skin. With the last glow of her skin fading away he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close.

Her nerves calmed as her forehead came to rest on his chest and he traced small patterns into her shoulders. “What's going on, Sesshoumaru?”

The arms currently encircling her tightened for a moment before he pulled away slightly. She sought his eyes, her only reliable way to read Sesshoumaru was through them. It had taken her years to finally understand what his eyes told her. Of the emotions she could figure out she saw fear, anger, and resolve all warring within his amber depths.

“Leave us, Noboruki. Ensure that no one will be interfering.” Sesshoumaru's eyes never left hers as he dismissed the guard.

Noboruki snapped to attention before leaving his lord and lady with a quick bow. As soon as he was far enough away Sesshoumaru erected a barrier around the small garden Kagome seemed to always favor.

“Come, sit.”

Sesshoumaru released her from his embrace before tugging her over to the nearest bench. She sat heavily while chewing nervously on her lips.

“I must have an heir.”

She was startled by his abrupt comment. A crease formed between her brow as they drew down in confusion.

“We already planned to have children later on this year, remember?”

Sesshoumaru looked away from her for a moment. She watched as his back stiffened and his eyes hardened before he looked at her again. He was reverting to his old apathetic self, one which Kagome had not seen since before he informed her of his intentions to court her.

“My heir must be full demon.”

Incomprehension seized Kagome as she stared at her mate. Surely he did not mean what she thought he meant.

“...What?”

“The Western Lands needs a strong heir, one that will be able to stand in my place when this Sesshoumaru is no longer here. This Sesshoumaru's heir must be strong enough to bear the marks of my ancestors, without them the pup cannot rule.”

Something within Kagome started to fray. Thoughts raced through her mind, all crowding to the front to be asked.

“But there's no In Vitro or anything like that invented yet! That would mean...” She stopped and stared at Sesshoumaru in horror.

A clawed hand flicked outward, one of very few signs of the demon lord's agitation. He looked Kagome directly in the eyes, his strong will dominating his eyes. The small fray in her soul slowly started to unravel.

“There are arrangements being made for a fertile female inu demoness to be brought here to birth the heir. This Sesshoumaru's mother is currently choosing the correct demoness.”

Rage coursed through her once Sesshoumaru fell silent. Of course his mother would be behind this. Kagome had hoped that they had finally come to a calm balance between them. She understood Sesshoumaru's mother, to an extent. Kagome understood that the Lady was a very honorable woman with no frivolous endeavors. The Lady had only the best interest in mind for her son and her lands at all times. Upon first meeting the Lady she had been given the same calculating and soul penetrating looks Sesshoumaru had always given. She was subtly tested for weaknesses both physically and mentally. She had eventually managed to gain the Lady's respect, or so she thought.

'How could she?'

A slow blurring of her vision alerted her to the inevitable fall of tears. Crying was not an option though, especially sitting before the rigid form of her mate and husband. If he was going to be cold, so would she. Her back straightened, chin lifted, and eyes cooled to the glacial frigidness of the coldest of lakes as she looked ahead of her instead of at her mate.

“I see.” The warm tones of her being bleed from her voice, leaving behind the emotionless inflection expected of the upper class. “Will she become your mate?”

“Yes. Her pup could not be recognized as heir, regardless if the pup bore the marks of this Sesshoumaru's ancestors, unless she was to be mate.”

“And what of me, your first mate? What of my children?”

He reached a hand towards her face to caress her smooth skin. She flinched away from his touch.

“Don't,” Kagome had practically snarled at him.

Anger flared in his eyes as he grabbed her chin and brought her face inches from his.

“Nothing changes. You will always be my mate, my lover, my wife and confidant. Our pups will have want for nothing. They will be raised within the palace by both of us, as this Sesshoumaru promised you.” His grip loosened on her chin before he brought his lips to tenderly brush against hers. “Nothing will ever change between us, Kagome.”

For a moment she tried to believe it while wrapped within the secure embrace of her one and only. Wanted to desperately rely on nothing ever changing, but she knew even then her hope was little more than a dream.

---

In a matter of weeks everything would change. No longer would he be completely hers. She would have to share him with another. Another that was rumored to be one of the greatest beauties in all of Japan. The demoness was from a distinguished pedigree filled with the powerful and rich of demon kind. Kagome had heard the harsh whispers just loud enough for her to hear as she walked past some of the occupants of the palace. Each sinister whisper spoke of the same thing. Sesshoumaru was to finally receive a 'proper' mate that would provide 'unsoiled' pups. She had barely managed to contain her fury and despair. With each passing day she had drawn herself up and gone about her normal duties with as much pride as she could conjure up, but she was starting to feel the affects of her stress.

Her mind was constantly running around, trying to find a way to remedy her situation. She knew she loved Sesshoumaru, there was no doubt about that. She also knew that Sesshoumaru would need a strong heir, but she could think of no way to provide a full demon heir from her own womb.

With a bruised and bleeding heart she understood she had a choice to make. She could stay with Sesshoumaru and live out the rest of her days with her mate, but watch as another female was brought in to become a second mate and grow large with his pup. Or she could leave her mate and maybe save her heart from being crushed.

If only she could talk to her mother, but with the well's sealing it had been impossible for some years now to seek advice from her mother. Perhaps she was being selfish by not wanting to share Sesshoumaru with another female. Maybe she should accept it and try to make the best of the miserable situation. What if it was not as bad as she thought it would be. She would, after all, still have Sesshoumaru as a mate. Wasn't that all she really needed? Just knowing that she still had a place in his heart?

But just the thought of another female touching him as intimately as she does sent her blood boiling. What if she snapped and she lashed out with her miko powers? Over the years she had grown into her powers and become a formidable miko, but her powers were still hardwired into her emotions. What would she do in extreme jealousy? Would they forgive her if she killed the bitch? A lone human killing the mother of Sesshoumaru's heir? She doubted the populace would forgive such a thing.

Her decision had come slowly and painfully. Every fiber of her being wanted to never part from Sesshoumaru, but she knew within the deepest part of her soul that she could not stay. To be pushed into the shadows as Sesshoumaru took another mate and had pups that would not be theirs. It would kill her. The only option she could hope to endure would be to separate. She feared even that would kill her, but it seemed to be the less painful of her choices.

Tonight was to be her last night with Sesshoumaru. In the morning, when he was busy taking care of his duties, she would slip from the palace and disappear. In the afternoon his new mate was to arrive. The palace had been in a frenzy trying to get everything ready. They would all be too distracted and busy to notice her leave. It was the only chance she had at being able to slip free and travel far enough before her absence was noted.

In these last hours before her departure she wanted to memorize everything about him. They had been up for hours already, but she still had more to memorize. From the way his pale skin glowed faintly in the moonlight to the unique smell of him, cool thunderclouds and deep forests. She watched as his chest moved with the shallow breaths of slumber. Slowly, she dragged her hand over his vivid stripes that slashed other features of his body beside his face and wrist. An intent gold stare pierced her as she lost herself in all the smoothly hard planes of his body.

Kagome yelped as she was suddenly rolled onto her back, a very much awake demon lord hovering over her.

“What are you doing?”

Elegant digits brushed against the crescent on his forehead as her deep blues were lost within his striking gaze.

“Memorizing.”

“Why memorize something you will always have.”

She smiled up at him, though she would rather cry. Demons were excellent teachers when it came to the art of subterfuge, and she had the best. Not even Sesshoumaru was able to figure out her moods when she truly wished to hide them.

“Because.” She drew him closer, distracting him, then placed a heated kiss on his lips. Sesshoumaru's lips curled in a momentary smirk before he once again paid homage to her body.

---

The sun had been up for some time when Kagome was finally ready to leave. She had waited until Sesshoumaru left their rooms before she started packing. She only needed minimal provisions. The last couple of weeks had been spent arranging transport and a place to stay until she figured out what she wanted to do. There was a longing to return to Edo, but she knew Sesshoumaru would look there first. Instead she had to find a new place and start fresh. Her new contacts she had forged over the years had been put to use in providing all she needed.

In the bright afternoon light she made her way to her usual garden. It was not the biggest or most extravagant of the palace's gardens, but it was further out and rarely visited by anyone but her. Noboruki had trailed behind her, a silent shadow. He had been rather subdued since the news of Sesshoumaru's new mate had been announced, but he still tried to cheer her with humorous stories of the palace's occupants. She almost hated to do what she was about to do, but she knew he would not allow her to leave.

“Noboruki?”

“Yes, Kagome-sama?”

She looked up at him with her most apologetic face. “I need a favor? I forgot my book back in my room. Its on the chest near the door. Could you grab it for me, please?”

He raised an eyebrow at her. “I am not to leave your side.”

“I know, but I can't stand another round of looks from everyone.” She looked up at him with tired eyes that had begun to line with the stresses of late.

Narrowed eyes stared at her for a moment, attempting to detect any lies. With a huff of great suffering Noboruki left in a burst of demonic speed.

The faint rustling of leaves to her left drew her attention as she watched the demon leave. She walked over and stepped through a small gap within one of the hedges. Waiting on the other side was Ah-Un fully geared for a long travel.

“Thank you, Ah-Un. Are we ready to leave?” Her fingers scratched gently over the ridges of their eyes. She received a faint rumbling hum from both as confirmation.

With the affluence of many days worth of practice, Kagome eased into the saddle on the great two headed dragon's back. One last glance insured everything was strapped and settled before she gave Ah-Un the signal to leave. The dragon rose fluidly into the air, flying low over the trees to draw less attention to them. Kagome twisted in the saddle to peer back at the palace, a few tears glistening on her pale cheeks as she watched the place she had called home disappear on the horizon. The place she had left her very heart and soul in.

A ragged sob escaped her as her eyes closed. The last glimpse of her mate had been of his tall silhouette in stark contrast against the shoji door as he left. Painfully, she traced the lines of his silhouette in her mind, sealing away every curve and line that made up her formidable love within her memory. One last tear glided down her face as her eyes opened to the future ahead.

Her future without Sesshoumaru.