How To Kill An Evil Hanyou by tenchi no mai
Well, I Guess That's One Way
This crackfic! is dedicated to Danyealle-sama. The utterly evil, and senseless, plot bunny was spawned while I was beta-ing her latest one shot, The Peeps Go Marching One By One, so you may lay the blame squarely on her. As a side note, I am not crazy about Peeps, and the only way I will eat them is if they have been properly aged for several weeks.
Disclaimer: The characters of InuYasha are not mine, they are the property of Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Yomiuri TV, Sunrise, and Viz Media. Only the plot to this story is my own intellectual property. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
‘Italics’ – thoughts
Well, I Guess That's One Way
For the first time in his long life, Sesshoumaru was utterly and completely flabbergasted. His miko, and the rest of the tachi, had finally gone, how did she put it, ‘off their rocker’.
~*~
The battle had started quite some time ago, and the humans were beginning to get weary.
Kagome had run out of arrows and was searching through her backpack for something, anything, that she could use against Naraku. The Peeps she had brought back for Shippo and Inuyasha were the only things left besides cooking pots, bowls, chopsticks, textbooks, clothing and the plastic bag with the purple lace bra and thong she had bought for Sango.
Shrugging her shoulders, she looked at the packages of Peeps, then ripped them open. Charging one with her miko powers, she threw it at Naraku, leaving a little tiny burn mark. Picking up some more, she began hurling them at the dark hanyou.
Naraku glanced down at his haori where something had made contact, then threw back his head and laughed evilly. “Ku ku ku. Is that all the power you have left, priestess?”
All movement in the clearing had come to a complete stop to watch the small human female throwing odd colored items at Naraku. Were they some sort of cursed holy item, like Miroku’s sutras?
Inuyasha was horrified, and took the lull in the action to run past Naraku, grab a handful of the Peeps and shove them into his mouth. No, no, no! He loved those Peeps, especially the pink ones, and Naraku wasn’t going to get them.
Shippo came scampering over to Kagome when he saw what she was doing, and using his kitsune magic, multiplied the small stack of Peeps into quite a large pile of the overly sugary, marshmallow treats.
As the stack of them gave a small pulse, Kagome suddenly had a brilliant idea. She knew from an unfortunate previous experience what happened when you put the Peeps into the microwave. What would happen if they could bury Naraku in a mountain of them and then Sesshoumaru loosed a wave of youki from Tokijin?
“Shippo, make some more Peeps, then help me throw them at Naraku.” Kagome whispered her plan to him, then called Sango and Miroku over to help them. Kirara took one sniff at the disgusting candy, stuck her nose up in the air, and with a twitch of her twin tails walked away to go lie under the tree next to Ah-Un.
Sesshoumaru slowly edged closer, while keeping an eye on the devious kumo, to see what was going on with the now surely demented members of the tachi. When he realized what she was doing, he was appalled. “Miko! You are planning to defeat the evil hanyou by giving him a stomachache?”
“No, Sesshoumaru, I have a plan, trust me!” Kagome beckoned him closer, then quickly passed on the knowledge of what the Peeps could do. ‘If I could just get him to eat them, he would get the stomachache to end all stomachaches.’
“Hn.” Sesshoumaru raised an eyebrow. ‘This might just work. As long as I get to impart the killing blow, what does it matter how ridiculous the original plan was.’
Naraku turned his attention from the priestess and the demon lord to the items being thrown at him and the suddenly even more irate red clad hanyou.
Seeing Inuyasha stuff them in his mouth, he realized that they must be edible. Picking one up he assessed it with a critical eye. It was an odd shade of bright yellow, somewhat firm on the outside, yet appeared soft on the inside and after a tentative lick, he realized it was covered with a type of fine crystallized sugar. Looking at the crude representation of a chick, he poked it with a claw. “Hmm.”
Considering that Inuyasha had eaten them with no ill effect, and clearly didn’t want him to have any, he popped it into his mouth and raised an eyebrow. Quickly motioning Kagura and Kanna over, he ordered them to gather as many of the treats as they could, while he continued to rapidly eat the unusual candies.
“Oh no you don’t, you sick bastard, they’re my Peeps!” Inuyasha screamed, as he scrambled to pick them up, ducking when Kagura and Kanna threw some at him.
Kagome stopped for a moment to see what all the commotion was about. Then her temper flared. “Inuyasha, I’ll bring you more Peeps! Get out of the way or I’ll S-I-T you!”
She put her hands on her hips and was shaking her head. ‘This looks like an Easter Egg Hunt gone wild.’
Sesshoumaru was standing off to the side, Tokijin drawn, watching what was once a battle degenerate into complete and utter madness. He was beginning to have second thoughts about wanting to pup the miko, and wondered if insanity ran in her family, after all he had heard some strange tales about her grandfather.
“Shippo, we need more Peeps over here.” Miroku called to the kitsune and pointed to the rapidly dwindling pile of the horrid candies. He just couldn’t figure out why both Shippo as well as Inuyasha, and now apparently Naraku, went crazy over them. It must be the sugar.
Naraku kept his eyes on Inuyasha; the inu hanyou had tackled Kagura a few minutes ago, and snatched away the Peeps that she had managed to gather. Snaking out a tentacle, he snapped it on the ground in front of the irritating half-breed as he reached for several more of the treats, sending him jumping back from his slowly growing hoard of the delicious snacks.
Deciding to taunt the hanyou, he picked up a number of the Peeps and continued eating them, as Inuyasha became even more irate.
Shippo had just completed conjuring up several more huge stacks of Peeps, then sat down with one Peep in each hand, after stuffing one in his mouth, to enjoy the fruits of his labors.
When Naraku glanced towards the priestess again, all he saw was the mountains of candies sitting there waiting for him to take them. Realizing that he had the perfect accoutrements to acquire all of them in one single act, he quickly shot out his tentacles towards the middle of the clearing.
“Sesshoumaru, get ready!” Kagome yelled. Looking towards the demon lord, she noticed that Tokijin was snapping with more demonic energy than she had ever seen. The entire sword seemed to glow from what appeared to be crackling bolts of blue lightning that wound around it and flashed up and down along its length.
Inuyasha was suddenly aware of what Naraku was trying to do and dashed across the open space at the mounds of Peeps with Tessaiga drawn, hacking like a madman at the kumo's tentacles. ‘That son of a bitch isn’t going to get my Peeps!’
Kagome glanced towards Inuyasha when she saw the giant fang glint in the sunlight. ‘Oh, no, you are not going to ruin my plan this time Inu-baka.’ She waited until he was closer to her than Naraku, then screamed at him for all she was worth. “Inu-ya-sha! Sit, sit, sit!”
As Inuyasha plummeted towards the ground, he grabbed an armful of Peeps from the nearest tentacle as Naraku pulled the piles of candy across the clearing towards himself. ‘My Peeps!’
Making a decision, Naraku instantly absorbed all the Peeps as he retracted his tentacles into himself. ‘I shall return to my castle where I can enjoy these Peeps in peace and quiet with no insane hanyou trying to claim them as his own. These are my Peeps!’ Beginning to rise on a lurid purple cloud of his miasma, he waved Kagura and Kanna towards the south. “Go back to the castle, we are done with these insufferable beings, at least for the moment.”
“Now, Sesshoumaru!” Kagome yelled, pointing at the kumo hanyou as he began to sluggishly rise. She was jumping up and down in her anticipation of seeing the largest known explosion of Peeps, as well as the end of Naraku’s reign of terror. “Don’t let him get away!”
Sesshoumaru glared at the miko. He, having more experience with demon swords and their capabilities, knew the moment to begin his strike, and was patiently waiting for that exact second to arrive. Holding Tokijin out in a horizontal position, he watched until Naraku was a meter or so off the ground. “Soryuha!” He yelled, the Dragon Strike leaving Tokijin to impact the ground beneath the evil hanyou’s feet.
Naraku saw Sesshoumaru begin his Dragon Strike, and quickly threw a sphere shaped barrier around himself. “Ku ku ku, Sesshoumaru, you are no more effective than that poor excuse of a priestess, or your idiotic half-brother!” Laughing evilly, he continued to gradually rise.
Standing there smirking, Sesshoumaru waited, as said miko suddenly launched herself at him and began beating on his chest armor with her tiny human fists.
“You were supposed to hit him! Not the ground underneath him! What’s the matter with you Sesshoumaru! Now Naraku’s got a barrier up and he’ll get away!” Kagome was so upset she was ready to scream. ‘These arrogant Inu’s! One or the other of them is always ruining my plans.’
“Restrain yourself miko, lest you desire me to do it for you.” Sesshoumaru growled at her as he spun her around, wrapped an arm around her waist and proceeded to haul her up to his chest. “Watch.”
The Dragon Strike had hit the ground directly beneath Naraku, then gathered itself together to create a vortex of wind and heat. The intense temperature could be felt by every youkai and human in the clearing as it coiled, rose and engulfed Naraku, his barrier and the cloud of miasma.
As he watched the twisting winds rapidly approach, Naraku laughed. ‘Does the inu really think that he can harm me with a little wind while I remain inside my barrier?’
Sweat began to bead on his forehead as Naraku felt the extreme temperature encircle his barrier and begin heating up the inside of it like an oven. He was suddenly aware of a strange feeling as a slow hissing noise began to build and it felt like his body was inexplicably expanding. He was being torn apart by something as he continued to grow, filling his barrier. As the heat increased his barrier pulsed, and he realized it would not be able to hold against his rapidly increasing girth.
On the ground, the tachi watched, spellbound, as Naraku was destroyed within his own barrier by the inflating Peeps. Once he had been torn apart, the barrier exploded outwards raining drops of a gelatinous white goop with multicolored flecks of sparking sugar down to coat everything in sight.
With Kagome firmly in his grip, Sesshoumaru dropped Tokijin and unsheathed Tensaiga. Quickly kneeling, he stabbed the tip of Tensaiga into the ground, and covered the miko with his body.
As the deluge intensified, the remaining members of the tachi ran for cover, except for Inuyasha, who was still held in his hanyou shaped hole by the subduing spell of the kotodama no nenju.
Several minutes passed before the downpour of kumo hanyou guts and white goo ended. From her position flattened to the ground underneath Sesshoumaru’s body, Kagome wondered what was happening.
When Sesshoumaru sat up with Kagome in his lap, she peered around and only had one thought. ‘I’m glad I don’t have to clean up this mess!’ Looking at the demon lord and seeing he was untouched by the glop, she realized that Tensaiga had erected a shield to deflect the mess.
As she noticed movement underneath the blanket of white goop, Kagome worried that Naraku had somehow managed to survive and was reforming his body. Looking closer, she realized that it was the rest of the tachi, and giggled as she watched them begin picking the slowly hardening mess off of themselves.
Feeling a familiar pull, Kagome wiggled out of Sesshoumaru’s lap and picked her way slowly through the goop, following the pulsing of the Shikon no Tama. Digging through a pile of disgusting hanyou innards, she retrieved the tainted portion of the Shikon no Tama that Naraku had gathered. Wiping it clean with her fingers, she watched as it instantly purified in her hand. Now she had the responsibility of completing the Shikon no Tama and making a pure wish to rid the world of the jewel once and for all.
Sesshoumaru walked up behind Kagome and held out his hand. Placing the Shikon no Tama in his palm, Kagome watched as he put it in his haori sleeve. He would keep it safe until it could be completed and wished out of existence.
After all, tomorrow is another day, and they had the demise of an evil hanyou to celebrate tonight.
~*~
Fin
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Authors Note – I do now own, nor do I have financial interest in any of the following: Peeps, Just Born, or Gone With The Wind.