How To Freeze A Chicken in Boiling Water by Ko Torii

The Wrong Damn Mail Box

Disclamer: I own the culmination of nothing, the sum of less than nothing, and the product of .5 x nothing put into a martini mixer. Shaken; not stirred, with two olives and a lime.

AN: On FF.net the pairings of this piece are undecided, however no matter what happens there, I'm going to alter this one as(or if) needed so Kagome can end up with Sesshoumaru. For obvious reasons lol.

X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X

"Okay, so who here has never heard of a 'Once Upon A Time,' story? Anyone at all?...No? Okay, well it looks like none of you are really in a talkative mood...but anyway here's the run down. When a story starts with those four crucial words it can mean only one thing; it will be mushy, it will be corny, and it will be utterly unrealistic. And don't you start giving me that look that says, 'Ms. Kagome that's three things!' Yes thank you, I grouped them together. It makes it sound more important that way, it's a literary trick."

:sigh: ... :deep, cleansing breath:

"This concept is what I ended up believing by the time I graduated from my senior year of high school. No 'Once Upon A Time,' was ever going to fool me again; that was what I kept telling myself all through my last year of high school. I'll fill you in on how that particular development occurred a little later on in the story. "

:blink twice: ... :tilt head to the left and think for a moment:

"Ah, so now we come to the heart of the matter. I was asked here to tell you all a story right? Well, I'm gonna let you hear one of my favorite stories; My Own. I know what you're all gonna think now...'Oh man, another weird lady talking about her dramatic life. It's like visiting my granny who smells like new cars and fake roses,' right? Well no, not exactly. My life has been more along the lines of traumatic, but it's still interesting, and I most definitely do not smell like a new car with funny roses in it. At least in my opinion, anyway. It's my favorite story, by the way, because I know it like the back of my hand...although I guess technically that's included in the story too, so that's not such an impressive thing to say. I'll have to tell you about that one later too; funny story actually. Now where was I? Oh yes, all about me. "

One sweet little girl looked at me and said straight out, "Ms. Kagome? Is the story you're going to read to us a happy one?" No matter how cute she was, I felt really stupid after she asked me that. That is a feeling that makes me cranky. I felt like everything I just said went wooshing through one ear and out the other. With another sigh I was about to explain to her that, no, this story could not be considered particularly happy. There were happy moments, to be sure, but that doesn't make it happy. Or, well, I don't think it does. However, I never did get to break the news to her for in just a few seconds I would be rudely cut off--

"Ms. Kagome?! Are there dragons?! Does a big brave Prince slay them to save a really, really pretty girl?" It was this really adorably little squirt with the cliche button nose and big puppy eyes. In my professional opinon, he played entirely too much Halo at home, but you know kids now a days. Video games are the new pacifier. Choosing to once again to clarify the situation I began to--

"Ms. Kagome, Ms. Kagome!! Is there a caterpillar with a bong?!"

At this ... odd ... statement I drew the line.

"No! This is not a Disney fairytale guys! You asked for a super long story since we've gone through all the books on that shelf. No Sleeping Beauty, or Alice in Wonderland, okay?!"

"But...Ms. Kagome, what's the story about then?" Well, damn. I need some coffee rather desperately.

"Well for starters, let's get one thing straight, shall we? This story doesn't have an ending yet so you can all contribute later down the line. Since obviously this is the present, so it can't be the beginning. Okay, the time-space paradox is not the topic I wanted to start with. Not to mention I kinda doubt you little guys know what the heck I'm rambling about...Let's just start over and cover all of the basics. For those of you that are new; my name is Kagome Higurashi. I've never found true love and I don't think it exists. If you ask me who my favorite Disney character is I'll look you right in the eye and say, It's Ursula, from the Little Mermaid. Why? Because at least you know she's going to betray you from the beginning. My favorite color is yellow, because it can make you go insane if you stare at it long enough, and my favorite food is ice cream because when your down there's no better friend to cheer you up. Any other really important, necessary, ground breaking, life-altering questions before I actually start?"

...Awkward pause...

"Umm...Ms. Kagome, can I go potty?"

:sigh: "Yeah, go ahead, I can wait."

What on terra firma did I ever do to deserve this one, huh? I'll tell you what; I drove into a mailbox. Yeah you heard me, and man! That was the wrong damn mail box to crash into.