Giving It All by Pendragon

Giving It all

Written For Skye's Weekly Challenge (ending: 11/29/ 09)

Prompt: Heartless

Word Count (According to MSWord): 804

Giving It All

"By this curious turn of disposition I have gained the reputation of deliberate heartlessness; how undeserved, I alone can appreciate." —Emily Brontë (Wuthering Heights)

            Now they are all gone from me, spurned and deceased. I never imagined such a withering in an immortal life. Never imagined such a loath loss.

            She was mine, but I never hers. To give myself, wholly and unrestrained, such thought was folly. I could never give myself, my own will turned against my heart. Hells torment held nothing to that strife. God himself holds nothing to this.

A mistake. Never meant to happen. Never thought to. She was never supposed to...

My mind is torn, fractured. I am half myself, half of perfection. And that other half, I hate.

So I ask myself, how come you, with your perfected glory, have fallen so far? Fallen so deep in to the dark?

It was the dark in which she found me, the dark where I first found her light...

Now I’m farther in than ever before, and in these shifting shadows I find no escape. The world of the living is where I belong, but my soul clings to the death. It is a vise, something not even this Sesshomaru can escape. No chains bind me, but I find myself imprisoned within my own mind, my own soul, and my heart is nowhere to be found.

Nowhere is where I am; nowhere is where I am meant to be... 

I have found that the descent into Hell is easy if he that seeks the flames wants them. And Hell is no tortuous place, for the pain of my life lingers.

For nothing, for naught, I snuffed her flame, and in my blooded lust, I have lost that which I never knew...

In these fires, where my skin peels from bone and the worms die not, I find nothing but the memory of her that brought me here.

And in my hell, I pray she has found heaven...

Her touch was hotter than these dark flames; her breath more choking the brimstone smoke. Now her touch has turned cold and lifeless; her breath leaving her lungs one last time. The blood on my hands never runs away.

I couldn’t let her run away...

Yes, she tried. She ran from me. She ran from a monster with a lust insatiable. Peace and Eloquence left me, leaving a voided shell. I filled that shell with blood.

Blood of beast, blood of man, blood of the earth, blood of the sky...

Sated with blood like some lowly vampiric leach. I took life to fill my own, slaughtered the cattle in the field to fulfill my gluttony.

Wide and terrified, eyes of the prey...

With her eyes she watched as I raped and pillaged the earth, a black plague that scourged across the land. Dark eyes, laced with tears, she watched as I lost that which I never knew...

She watched as I lost myself...

            And when all I had was gone, I took from her. My love, my life, my wife, I took all she had and then took more. I took her body and used it to satisfy my needs. I took her love, and killed it with my lust. I raped her soul, leaving it broken. I left her mind more fractured than mine.

Beauty she was, a crone she became, twisted by the action of a demon...

She gave her heart to me, she gave her all. She gave her heart to me, something I could never give.

And I took it, I took it all...

Then she took all from me. I remember the smell of death and life, mingling in that scarlet. Her eyes, so beautiful, glazed and fixed on something I could not see. A heaven I would never know. I would never deserve...

The devil is a clever one, promising all and giving none...

Her wrists pumped freely, giving away all she had, all that I had taken. Her life, her blood, laid out for the entire world to see.

Blood, blood everywhere, and not a drop to drink...

My life, my mind, my soul, myself. I give it all to her; too late now, she was gone, ran away from me. I lost her that day. I lost it all.

And with honor, I took my sword, and with her, I lay down...

Down and down I go, for the descent is easy, and Hell beckons. The flames lick with welcome and the smoke choke out their greeting. I hear laughter escalating to new heights. I hear screaming the likes of which I’ve nerver bared before. I join them in their choir, for pain means nothing here. And in this void of pain I find torment. With her I find my hell. With her I’ve found my heaven. Heartlessness means nothing, and eternity holds the same. Give me all, and take some more, for in this hell I find my peace.