The Killing Loneliness by KokoroNoYoukai
Killing Loneliness
This is my first ever attempt at a fanfiction. So be kind. Constuctive criticism encouraged! I wrote it while listening to Killing Loneliness by HIM, hence the title. I had also planned to write Kagome's POV of the prequel to this (which should be pretty obvious what that is once you've read this story) but it was proving to be difficult. I may still attempt it though.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to the Inuyasha verse. Just this story.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was late. Rin was sleeping quietly by the fire. Jaken was unconscious, as due to his incessant ramblings, Sesshoumaru himself resorted to whipping a rather large rock at the toads head, effectively knocking him out.
Sesshoumaru stood near the fire, something was keeping him on edge, and he was not even sure what it was. As his instincts were always right, he kept his vigilance. He watched Rin sleep for a moment. She seemed so at peace in her dreamland, and he wondered for a moment what it was that the girl dreamed of. He quickly became bored of what he imagined were dreams of running through fields, chasing butterflies and being carefree. Letting his senses stretch out, he searched the area for any dangers or threats to his little party. Nothing. Yet something still wasn't right. He sat down near the fire, gazing into its depths. The fire held his golden eyes for some time, seemingly to promise him the answers to the deepest questions in his mind, but never really telling him anything.
He thought about his life had changed so much recently. Was he falling down his father’s retched path? His father had been so powerful, and yet he threw it all away; power, wealth... respect. And for what? A human. A human female who happened to strike his fancy. For so long, Sesshoumaru could not understand what had compelled his father to fall so very far for so very little. There was a time, not so long ago, that Sesshoumaru believed humans didn't deserve to breathe the same air has he, and he corrected this with their bloodshed.
But now, he thought differently. He had changed, as much as he loathed to admit it. Something had compelled Sesshoumaru to save Rin's life that fateful day, and though he thought he would, he never regretted it. How was it that she, a human child, so ridiculously fragile and weak, so ignorant and naive, would prove to be worth something to him? He had come to appreciate having the child around. She brought a certain calm and hopefulness that he did not know he had been missing. He also noticed that he did not like it when Jaken made fun of her. Sesshoumaru would feel as though he needed to defend her, and that no one should even dare to insult her. He kept these thoughts to himself, and observed that Rin seemed as though she could not care less about what Jaken thought anyway.
"What has become of our bloodline? Were we so destined to be tangled in with these pathetic creatures?" Sesshoumaru said to himself as he examined his claws, and he couldn't help but think of another certain human that not so recently had started to plague his thoughts. A certain human that traveled with his half brother. The one that dressed so oddly. The one that put up with Inuyasha's stupidity on a daily basis. Surely there was something wrong with that woman. She certainly was foolish, after all, she had dared to stand up to Sesshoumaru himself. Admirable, but foolish. She was only still alive because Inuyasha proved to be the bigger nuisance and thus kept Sesshoumaru's attention during their battles.
Why did she stand out to him? She definitely was powerful. Her miko powers had grown greatly since he first laid eyes on her. She seemingly adopted a youkai child, that kitsune. No human in their right mind would willing care for a youkai child. Humans were greedy, self-preserving creatures, were they not? Perhaps there are a few admirable humans out there. Rin certainly wasn't greedy.
He glanced across the fire towards Rin, and though his exterior never showed it, was slightly surprised to see her eyes open, staring at him. But they were not Rin's eyes. These eyes seemed older, wiser. Someone was looking at him through her eyes. Her face was stoic, betraying nothing, and she was almost deathly still except for her shallow breathing. He held eye contact with her for a moment. He could not sense any dangers nearby, no demon was possessing her. Suddenly she sat up, her face still blank, but holding his gaze. He didn't move.
"Save her..." a voice that was not Rin's said through Rin's mouth. “You have to save her Sesshoumaru."
Sesshoumaru ignored the lack of honorific to his name and said nothing, but a slight arch of the eyebrow showed his indulgence.
"You have to save her Sesshoumaru." She said again. "She needs a reason." Sesshoumaru recognized the voice. It was an ancient voice, from long ago. A priestess. "She needs a reason to live, and she needs to live, it is not her time...” The voice faded, and Rin fell gently back to the ground, sound asleep once more. Then Sesshoumaru felt a vibration at his hip.
"Tensaiga..." He almost whispered as the sword started to glow and shake. He grasped its hilt, and it stopped its movements, but continued to glow. It was tugging him in a certain direction. With a glance back at Rin to make sure she was ok, he stood and followed where his sword wanted him to go. After a few minutes, he smelled it. Kagome's blood, and a lot of it. He made no effort to move any faster than a slow walk. He told himself it was because he didn't care about her, but he knew inside that it was because he didn't want to see what was left, or what had been done to her body. It seemed to take hours, but he finally reached her. The smell of blood was so thick; he could taste it on the air.
There she was, lying splayed on the hard ground. She was dead, and had been for a few hours now. There were deep gashes and bite marks all over her body, her clothes torn and hanging loosely on her form. She had died from blood loss, probably all the while thinking Inuyasha was going to save her any minute. But he hadn't. Kagome had laid here, cold and alone, bleeding her life away. Sesshoumaru could not pick up any trace of Inuyasha. Was he not supposed to protect his human? From the smell of it, a demon had attacked her, and searched her body for something. He could also smell the demons blood, it had been hurt as well, though was still alive. The stupid girl had probably wandered off alone, with the Shikon shards, making a tempting target for any lesser demon. Tensaiga shook violently at his side, gaining Sesshoumaru's attention once more.
He drew the sword, and immediately saw the underlings from the netherworld all over her body, tugging and poking her. But curiously, he could also see Kagome's spirit. Usually the spirit stayed within the body, not wanting to let go. Kagome's spirit was sitting on the ground, a few paces away from the body, knees held tightly to her chest, facing away from Sesshoumaru.
Sesshoumaru slashed at the underlings with Tensaiga, effectively vaporizing them, but Kagome's body did not stir. Instead, he watched as her spirit slowly looked over its shoulder at her body, the look in her eyes told everything and nothing. She didn't want to live. She didn't acknowledge Sesshoumaru, maybe she couldn't see him. She looked away again. Something had caused her to lose her will to fight, lose her will to live. Sesshoumaru could guess at what it was, seeing as how Inuyasha wasn't here. He must have been busy somewhere. Busy with someone else. Sesshoumaru pitied the dead girl before him. She had allowed herself to fall head over heels for a man who she knew loved someone else. He felt something inside him. His heart perhaps? He didn't know, he thought he had locked that away along time ago, but now it hurt. Sesshoumaru wanted to heal her wounds, inside and out. He ignored all reason as his mind tryed to convince him that she was just a human, ignored all logic that he should not be so concerned with her at all.
"She needs a reason to live.." the voice that wasn't Rin's had said.
Sesshoumaru sheathed the sword, erasing his view of Kagome's spirit. He crouched down to her body, and slowly, gently, lifted her and placed her in his lap. Her skin was as cold as the forest floor. Her skin a pale blue. Very tenderly he brushed her bangs from her closed eyes. He studied her form. What did he have to gain from saving her? She was so weak, and so fragile. Something in him said that wasn't true, he had seen her fight, she had amazing powers, but she thought with her heart, and thats what killed her. Suddenly he realized he didn't care what he would or would not gain from saving her, just that he wanted to. He leaned down, and gently touched his lips to hers. She was so cold, so dead. He stayed there for a moment; the death on her was almost overwhelming. He kissed her harder, almost desperately. He didn't notice it at first, but she started to warm up. After a moment, he felt her lips part, he dove in and felt her hesitantly start to respond. He opened his eyes, she was looking right at him, the amount of emotion showing in her eyes should not have been possible. He closed his eyes once more and pulled her close to his body, the kiss now deep. He searched her mouth with his tongue and was more than joyed when she responded in kind, kissing him with such hunger and desperation as though her life depended on it. They both knew it did. She held onto him as tight as she could.
Suddenly she pulled back, breaking the kiss. He held onto her so she stayed in his lap. She looked him in the eyes, seemingly trying to find a reason for his actions. He indulged her and showed some emotion in his eyes. He really wanted to tell her that he cared for her, that she shouldn't just stop trying to live because one guy broke her heart. But he couldn't. He couldn't show that kind of weakness. His mind tried to tell him of all the weak that was in his actions at this moment anyway, but he ignored it. She looked down, and Sesshoumaru could smell the beginnings of tears. Perhaps she was remembering the moments before she had died. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, cradling her head close to his mokomoko, and she let go of the tears. She didn't just cry, she wailed. She was letting out all of her frustrations, all of her anger, all of her sadness.
Sesshoumaru kept very still, just holding her in his strong grasp to let her know that she was safe. He could feel her hurt so strongly and it bothered him. When had he come to actually care for this woman? He hadn't even spent any time with her in the past. Only passing’s by, and short acquaintances. Not to mention the times he had tried to kill her himself. Thinking about that brought another twang of pain from somewhere in his heart. Right now, he wanted to comfort her. He wanted to hold her indefinitely. Shield her from all the evil in the world. He knew he was being foolish. Sesshoumaru the love fool? Nah...
After a while, she quieted down. She looked up at him again, this time finding her voice.
"Why did you save me?" she whispered, her eyes glazed over slightly as she thought about lying there in her own pool of blood again.
"Are you saying you are ungrateful?" He said coolly, his eyes however showing the emotion he was really feeling.
"No... It’s not that," She shook her head gently, her bangs swaying back and forth. Funny how he noticed these little things now.
"He is not worth your death, surely you know that."
"I would still die for him." She said softly, obviously hurting at the thought of Inuyasha.
Sesshoumaru rose to his feet, and stood her up gently, making sure she could stand. "But do not simply die because of him. You are stronger than that." He noted that all of her previous wounds were healed, the dried blood flaking off her skin. Her torn clothing was barely covering her anymore.
"Why did you save me, Sesshoumaru-sama?" She said again. Her voice had found some of its strength. She would be ok. The thought comforted him.
Sesshoumaru sighed. A rare sight to behold from the taiyoukai indeed. "I wanted to." He raised his hand and ran it through her hair as a lover would. "You do not know how many lives you've truly touched, Miko."
Kagome gasped slightly and raised a hand to her mouth. She touched her fingertips to her lips. He didn't think as he leaned in to kiss her again. It was a slow, sensual kiss. He tried to tell her everything in that kiss, and some part of him wanted to believe it would put an end to all his inner conflict about the girl, but he knew it would only cause more. He could hear faint voiced now. He recognized them as her comrades. They were looking for her, and they sounded worried. As they should be. He could not however sense Inuyasha. The hanyou must really have made his choice.
Sesshoumaru pulled away from the kiss, looking her in the eyes once more. "You will never be alone, Kagome. Remember that even in the darkest of hours." He stepped back into the shadows of the trees, and masked his presence just as the monk and the taijya came into sight. He watched as they panicked over her state, asking her what happened, checked her for serious wounds, and wrapped the monk’s haori around her form. But she was ignoring them. She was still staring directly at him, and he knew she could still see him. Her miko powers truly were amazing to see through his mask. He watched Kagome watch him until the taijiya turned her away and started walking her back to their camp, chattering something about not wandering off alone in the forests.
"You may be my downfall, Kagome." Sesshoumaru whispered. He turned and started to walk back to his own entourage, many thoughts now plaguing his mind. Tensaiga sat content at his hip. He looked up, and saw the moon, it was almost full, and shining brighter than ever.
"Father," he said, "I understand now."