OMFG! Condom! by Rachel
A Peculiar Object
A/N: Okay, I’m not really sure why I’m doing this – or rather attempting this – because the comic in question (http://dokuga.com/images/fbfiles/images/seshywithkagomewtf.jpg) is so very loved by the Sess/Kag fandom and I’ll probably only embarrass myself with this...but r0o mentioned someone making it into a fic on the fanart forum, and I just couldn’t resist! Okay.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Inuyasha, nor do I own Youkai Yume’s hilarious (and much beloved) cartoon.
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Kagome dumped the contents of her bag onto the ground by the hot spring, careless as to where things happened to land. She was so frustrated with Inuyasha and his late-night cavorting that littering the ground with her dirty clothing and stomping on it just felt like the right thing to do.
“Stupid Inuyasha! Stupid soul-collectors! Stupid dogs and their noses!”
Her growling was getting her nowhere, but her stomping was strangely cathartic, if not a little bit mean to her unsuspecting clothes. Feeling somewhat relaxed, Kagome stepped off of the small pile of clothes and reached for the little washing board and bar of soap that had fallen out of her bag with the rest of her things.
“Can’t wait to go home and use a real washing machine and a real bathtub and a real bed...”
She knelt next to the hot spring, relishing the swirls of steam that twisted up to brush against her face. At least something felt like giving her a nice break, for once! Kagome unwrapped the bar of unscented soap and set it on the ground next to her. She reached for a pair of muddy jeans and shook them up, not noticing a square piece of blue foil rocketing out of the back pocket and landing somewhere in the trees. She dunked the jeans in the hot water to let them soak for a bit.
“I bet Hojo would never cheat. Hojo would be a really good choice for me! But nooo, I have to like boys who aren’t even human!” She shook the jeans under the water to dislodge some of the mud, meanwhile extremely grateful for the fact that she was wearing her short-sleeved school outfit and not the long-sleeved. Having to continuously roll up disloyal sleeves with wet hands was a pain in anyone’s neck.
“‘I’m gonna go see what’s up! I’m gonna go see if there are any demons around!’” Kagome muttered, scrunching up her face, bobbing her head from side to side, and joyously mocking Inuyasha with the best ‘I’m a complete doofus’ voice she could muster. She blew out a sigh through her pursed lips, grabbing the washboard and placing the jeans against it. After lathering the fabric with soap, Kagome started to scrub. Hard.
“’Chyah, the only other demon we’ve come across in the last week besides Myoga was Sesshoumaru, and that’s because he’s in. our. group!” She bit out the words and beat her jeans against the washboard simultaneously, finding a little more relief in that abuse as well. Her poor jeans. For a few moments Kagome was silent, allowing the sound of denim scraping against metal and sloshing through hot, sudsy water fill the quietness of the early evening around her. When a funny thought traipsed through her mind, she giggled and shook her head.
“Yeah, I guess we can’t all be as perfect as big ol’ Sesshoumaru. Especially Inuyasha.”
“You are correct, miko.”
Kagome ‘eeped!’ loudly, spinning around and shooting up to her feet in one fluid movement, while her jeans and the washboard lay forgotten at the side of the hot spring. Standing a few yards away was the demon himself, looking surprisingly informal in his trademark kimono, sans armor or swords (although she was certain those were resting not far away against a tree). His face held its usual countenance of complete disinterest.
“Sesshoumaru! Uh, sorry, I didn’t know you were out here. Did you need to use the uh, facilities?” Way to put it gently, Kagome. Sesshoumaru’s eyes narrowed, which to him was the equivalent of a ‘no.’
“No.” Like that. Kagome sighed and scratched absently at the back of her head, smiling weakly.
“Well, I’m just doing some cleanup here – I’ll be back at camp in a little while.”
“Hn.”
Kagome just managed to avoid glaring at the demon for being such an uncaring conversationalist, but only just. With a huff, she turned on her heel and went to grab her jeans and the washboard, only to discover they had sunk to the bottom of the hot spring.
Sesshoumaru was sooo lucky he didn’t have subjugation beads like Inuyasha, or Kagome would have used him to vent her absolute fury. As it was, she turned to look back at Sesshoumaru, only to discover him standing with his back to her, with something foreign pinched between his deadly claws. It looked shiny, and Sesshoumaru was sniffing it delicately.
“What is that?” Kagome asked, taking a tentative step forward – she wasn’t sure if this was some prized possession of the demon’s, or if it was something he had just found, but she didn’t want to get melted either way.
“It struck me,” Sesshoumaru replied (a feat in and of itself, in Kagome’s mind). Kagome quirked an eyebrow and took another step forward.
“It struck you?” She echoed. Sesshoumaru glanced at her over his shoulder and almost looked like he wanted to roll his eyes.
“Yes, miko. In the trees.”
“In the...HEY! Were you watching me this whole time?” She cried, stamping her foot and clenching her fists at her sides. Sesshoumaru ignored her, continuing to sniff at whatever had struck him and intrigued him so. She glared at the back of the demon’s head – ‘darn him and his hair!’ – and went to speak again when Sesshoumaru turned his hand to show the reverse side of whatever it was he had found. The shiny black lettering said it all:
TROJAN
Brand Latex Condoms
Kagome gasped, and felt as though time had come to a standstill. She balked, eyes wide, hands now totally limp at her sides as she stared not only at the condom held between Sesshoumaru’s thumb and index finger, but at the demon himself. He looked so intrigued it was almost unsettling.
“What is this peculiar object?” She heard him whisper. Kagome’s jaw dropped. Sesshoumaru sniffed again. Unthinking, Kagome leapt forward with a great cry in an attempt to retrieve the...thing...from the demon’s clutches, only to be thwarted by his massive height.
“NOOOOO!!!! Give it back!” She pleaded, a furious and unforgiving blush staining her entire face. Sesshoumaru immediately held the object out of her reach. “Please, my friends gave it to me for my birthday!” Kagome stretched her arms out in a desperate attempt to get at it, but the demon was obstinately curious, and why couldn’t she stop blushing?! “As a joke! Please give it back, Sesshoumaru!”
The demon continued to hold his arm up with the tiny blue package pinched securely between his fingers. Even then, the strange scent of it reached his sensitive nose, and while it was obviously an odd, foreign odor, it wasn’t altogether repulsive. He glared down his nose at her red face. That wasn’t altogether repulsive, either.
“You will not get it back until this Sesshoumaru knows what it is.” When he said it, the miko only blushed more, and the stain was starting to spread down her neck towards her chest. There was a strained moment of silence as Sesshoumaru watched the miko battle with herself – her eyes were misty with embarrassment and confusion and shame. But her pupils dilated suddenly, causing Sesshoumaru to raise a perfect brow.
Kagome lowered her arms and covered her mouth, as if doing so would keep her from having to tell this particular demon what it was he had in his possession. When Kagome had caught up things and realized how he must have gotten it, she had blushed even harder. When she’d shaken out her jeans, the evil little present her friends had given her – ‘For your first time with that cute boyfriend of yours!’ – must have flown out of the back pocket and hit Sesshoumaru in the head. And weren’t dogs attracted to shiny, smelly things? Of course they were. Because she was just that lucky.
With a sigh, Kagome crooked a finger, gesturing to the demon to lean down so she wouldn’t have to say the damning words too out loud. Sesshoumaru seemed to disdain from doing so, but when Kagome glared at him, the demon knew he had no choice. He wanted information, and he was going to get it out of the miko one way or another. He leaned down, crossing his arms across his chest to keep the item out of the miko’s reach, listening with an impassive face as she explained just what it was that had violated his person by striking him in the head.
“When a man wants to...”
“Hn.”
“But the woman doesn’t want a...”
“I see.”
He listened. Carefully. The miko kept her explanation brief and concise, but tried to avoid using any embarrassing scientific terms that would only serve to embarrass her further. She kept her hands up by her mouth while she whispered into the demon’s ear, unable to escape the blush that continued to betray her willpower. Just like Sesshoumaru, actually. Being that close to him wasn’t helping her in the least – she may have been jealous over Inuyasha’s thing with Kikyo, but at least this demon was unattached and nice to look at whenever the hanyou decided to ditch her. Of course, Sesshoumaru was as good a conversationalist as a dog who just blinked whenever she spoke to him.
Kagome pulled away from Sesshoumaru and hung her head. She’d said all she needed to say, and now it was time for her to go drown herself looking for her submerged jeans. But the demon wasn’t done with her yet. He held out the curious little object in front of him, as if he wanted her to look at it, too. Kagome glanced up, and she almost wanted to cry at the blank expression on the man’s face. She was absolutely mortified, and he was just standing there like she’d told him the state of the weather!
Sesshoumaru quirked a brow.
“So this is a...”
Kagome sighed and nodded, not making eye contact with the demon who had managed, single handedly, to make her want to kill herself out of embarrassment (which took far more talent than if he had just impaled her with Tokijin and had done with it). Sesshoumaru pursed his lips for a moment, feeling a strange tingle of excitement travel up the length of his spine.
“And it allows you to...”
Kagome nodded again in the affirmative. There was complete silence for a moment – dead silence. The kind of silence that made Kagome want to just run back to camp and throw herself on the fire and serve herself up as dinner for the rest of the group. That would have been a fitting demise for all she was suffering. Kagome chanced a look up at the dog demon standing unresponsive in front of her, only to find his eyes swirling with something...well, strange would be putting it lightly, with said look pointed directly at her.
“Sesshoumaru?” She whispered. The demon smirked, and Kagome felt all the blood that had previously been making her face hotter than hell drain down to her toes. It wasn’t a nice smirk, and it wasn’t a safe smirk. And when the ‘unresponsive’ demon began to chuckle and stretch a hand out toward her, Kagome blanched, unable to move.
“Ulp!” She swallowed audibly. With a feral grin, Sesshoumaru wagged the condom in front of his face teasingly before pouncing. Kagome shrieked on the way down.
“WTF?”
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Dang...I don’t think I could ever do the art/comic justice, but damn it all if I didn’t try! If someone wants to do a funnier remake, it’s fine by me! :P
xoxo
Rachel