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Not Okay by SunsetMiko

Not Okay

I do not own Inuyasha and Company, no matter how happy it would make me. Rumiko Takahashi does. I make no money from these fics.

Title: Not Okay

Prompt: New Moon

Song: I’m not Okay (I Promise) by My Chemical Romance

Word Count: 2873 (including lyrics)

Pairing: Kouga/Kag/Sess

Genre: Angst

Rating: M for some mention of smuttiness

Warning: I feel guilty for doing this to Inu… again. I gotta stop breaking that boy’s heart!


Well if you wanted honesty,

That’s all you had to say.

I never want to let you down

Or have you go.

It’s better off this way.

She thought he didn’t know. Just because he lost his powerful eyesight, hearing, and sense of smell didn’t mean the new moon rendered him a complete idiot. He’d known for quite some time now, the gradual changes in her behavior impossible to ignore, no matter how hard he tried.

When they’d first met and started traveling together, Kagome had stayed with him every night of the new moon. She’d tried to comfort him, make him forget about his temporary weakness and help the night go by faster. She’d protected him, standing guard against any who might try to take advantage of his human state.

She didn’t do that anymore. At first she’d said she was going home to her time, pretending like she didn’t realize what night approached. Now she didn’t even bother with lies and excuses. She just snuck off in the night, leaving him alone. Okay, sure, so he wasn’t exactly alone. He had the others of their pack to keep him company and ensure his safety, but it wasn’t the same. Without Kagome by his side he felt alone and the night seemed to go on forever.

She came back just after dawn, smelling fresh and clean, but he knew where she’d been and he could guess what she’d done. He wasn’t stupid. It was obvious that Kagome had made her choice and the wolf had been right. Inuyasha just wasn’t demon enough for her.

He tried to be angry, tried to yell at her, to make sure she knew she wasn’t fooling anyone, but every time he opened his mouth the words died in his throat. He just couldn’t. He couldn’t admit, even to himself let alone out loud, that he’d lost her to Kouga. If he said it that would mean it was real. If she knew he knew, then she wouldn’t have a reason to hide anymore and the last thing he wanted was to have to see it. It would kill him to see her happy in the wolf’s arms.

The new moon was approaching once again and he knew it wouldn’t be long until she abandoned him again.

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

You wear me out.

Inuyasha mentally groaned and outwardly growled as he sensed the fast approaching wolf. The bastard would have her in a few days! Why did he have to show up now? Couldn’t he just wait and let the poor hanyou pout in peace? He didn’t want to see Kouga, didn’t even want to think about him, and he certainly didn’t want to watch him paw at Kagome!

Kagome lifted her head slightly as she felt the jewel shards closing in, letting out a little sigh that surprised the hanyou. Did she not want to see the wolf? Before Inuyasha could open his mouth to question her, a whirlwind of dust swept into the clearing and Kouga was standing in front of the miko, holding her hands lovingly.

“Ah, it’s wonderful to see my woman, looking beautiful as always,” he purred at her.

Kagome fought the blush that burned her cheeks, knowing Inuyasha was looking, but failed miserably. She couldn’t help it. Kouga was too sweet and romantic for words. He didn’t, however, belong there!

“Kouga,” she hissed through her teeth before turning and smiling innocently at her traveling companions. “What are you doing here? You know this is his month,” she whispered as softly as possible.

“I don’t care. I’m tired of this crap. You’re my woman and if I want to see you I will!”

Miroku, Sango, and Shippo stood in silence, looking from Kagome and Kouga to Inuyasha, who was surprisingly silent, and back. The hanyou should have exploded in anger by now and challenged the wolf to battle. Kagome should have then been forced to subjugate Inuyasha before sending Kouga away. However, none of the usual seemed to be happening.

They watched as Kagome dragged Kouga a little further away, hoping that their whispering wouldn’t be overheard, not even by sensitive hanyou ears. “We agreed that this was the best way. You know he won’t be happy if he finds out, and you know he will,” she whispered.

Kouga shot an arrogant smirk Inuyasha who was trying to look disinterested while at the same time straining to hear their conversation. The mutt was an idiot. He had absolutely no idea what was going on right in front of him. “I don’t give a shit if he does find out. I’m tired of taking turns. I want you with me all the time.”

“And what about him? You really think he’d be alright with this?”

Kouga growled under his breath and pulled her body close to his. “Once every other month isn’t nearly enough.” He smirked at her gasp as she felt his hard length pressing against her. “Once every other night wouldn’t be enough, Kagome. I want you - no, need - you every day. If he doesn’t like it he can go fuck himself.”

“You’d better hope he never hears that,” the miko said with a little laugh, fighting back a moan as the wolf nibbled at her ear. “You’ll have to get over it, Kouga. It was either this or a huge fight and you know I don’t want that. Please,” she pleaded softly, “please just leave before Inuyasha freaks out? I won’t ever get away from camp if he gets upset now.”

Kouga wanted to refuse, wanted to protest, but the look in her eyes, the worry and care, were too much for him and he nodded. “Fine, I’ll go, but things are going to change and they are going to change soon. Maybe I should just confront the prick myself.”

Kagome gently cupped his cheeks and made him look directly into her eyes. “I don’t want to see anyone get hurt. If you can’t deal with things the way they are anymore then we’ll just have to sit down and figure something out.”

He fought back the desire to tell her he’d already thought of another arrangement. A big fight wasn’t the only way around this impasse and after all the time he’d been separated from her, Kouga was more than ready to give it a shot. “I’ll see you soon,” he whispered before pressing his lips to her cheek, ignoring Inuyasha’s snarl.

“Next month,” she whispered back with a small smile. “Be careful until then.” Kagome watched as Kouga disappeared just as quickly as he’d appeared, letting out a sigh as his jewel shards left the range of her senses.

Only then did she snap back to reality and realize that everyone was staring, well, almost everyone. Inuyasha had leapt up into a tree, his universal sign for ‘I’m in a bad mood so back off’. Her cheeks flushed a bright red and she quickly busied herself digging through her backpack as if in search of something, not looking up until the burning sensation of their eyes on her was completely gone.

‘Next month?’ Inuyasha thought to himself. But if she wasn’t going to see Kouga this night of the new moon then where in the hell was she going?

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

You wear me out.

It had driven him absolutely crazy every second since Kouga had left and Kagome spoke those strange words, next month. Finally he’d decided that when the new moon rose and Kagome snuck off into the darkness he would follow. He had to know. Thinking she was running off to see the wolf was bad, but not knowing where she was going and who she was seeing was a million times worse. She seemed anxious this time, even more than he was, and he wondered why.

Finally it happened: his hair changed from white to black, his ears shifted and changed, his fangs and claws disappeared, and all his senses dulled. Following her wasn’t going to be easy, but if she could find her way in the darkness with just her human senses than so could he. He pretended to fall asleep right away, hoping her anxiousness would make her leave more quickly because the wait was killing him already.

The rustling of her clothing caught his attention and he slowly opened one eye, peeking in her direction and seeing that she’d risen from her chosen spot and was creeping towards the tree line. Inuyasha waited a moment, making sure she wasn’t going to look back, before he followed. He kept a fair distance between them, as much as he could without risking losing her in the darkness, and he noticed she didn’t appear to be paying much attention to where she was going, just wandering into the forest depths.

Kagome smiled to herself as she walked, arms stretched out in front of her as she stepped carefully, making sure not to walk face first into a tree. She’d given up on the use of flashlights on these nights. She didn’t need to know where she was going. She just picked a direction and walked. Once she’d gotten far enough away from camp he came to her.

The miko bit her lip to hold back a squeal of surprise as she was suddenly swept into strong arms. He always managed to sneak up on her. His lips crashed down on hers with such passionate need that her entire body caught fire. It was incredible to know that he waited for her, longed for her for so long that when he finally could touch her the need was immense. The knowledge made her feel powerful, that such a strong demon ached for her so, and she smirked against his lips, making him pull back and look at her.

“You were followed,” he murmured in her ear, staring past her shoulder into the darkness, easily seeing the intruder.

“Oh, damn it. Kouga,” she grumbled, “Would you come out of there?”

“It is not the wolf, though he is not far either.”

“But who?” she asked, suddenly worried.

“It matters not,” he replied before lifting her into his arms and speeding away before Inuyasha managed to get close enough to see them. This would be an entertaining night to say the least.

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

You wear me out.

Inuyasha let out a pitiful human snarl as he lost sight of Kagome. He’d seen her meet with a shadowy figure but he’d been unable to identify it, cursing his weakened senses as the unknown person spirited her away. Now what could he do? He refused to go back to camp without answers. Finally he decided he would continue on in the direction they’d disappeared, hoping he’d stumble upon them. If not, maybe he could pick up the trail in the morning when his senses returned. He had to know now, broken heart or not.

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

You wear me out.

“A fire?” Kagome asked in confusion. He’d never made a fire before. He’d never chosen a place so close to her camp before. It was like he wanted to get caught!

“I cannot have you catching cold,” he purred at her. “The nights are growing cooler.”

“But you’re so good at keeping me warm,” she said in a seductive tone, slowly unbuttoning her shirt. She didn’t care at the moment who’d been watching them. She’d been waiting for this night for too long and refused to allow it to be ruined.

“Am I? But winter approaches. I may need help doing so,” he teased, smirking at the confused look on her face. He’d spoken with the wolf and they’d managed to agree that once every other month was simply not enough. Once a month was still inadequate. They both wanted her, both needed her daily and they were tired of hiding. Now came the more difficult part: convincing their miko to try something new.


“Our arrangement is no longer acceptable. I believe it is time for a renegotiation.”

Kagome frowned. When she told Kouga they would get together and talk she hadn’t meant that night! She’d been waiting too long!

“Is there a problem, Miko?” he said softly, amused by her frustrated expression.

“I don’t want to renegotiate. I want you.” She pulled his face to hers by his hair and kissed him passionately, allowing him to clearly feel her growing need and desire. She climbed into his lap without breaking the kiss, wrapping her legs around him and moaning as his hands met with her bare skin, her shirt hanging open, her task of undressing forgotten.

When she pulled away to breathe he chuckled. “I will not deny you, Kagome, but there is something we must discuss.” He made a motion behind her back and felt as she tensed in his hold, finally sensing the jewel shards so close.

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

You wear me out.

The flicker of a campfire caught Inuyasha’s attention as he wandered near-aimlessly through the otherwise pitch black forest. In an instant his course was reset and he was heading in that direction, nervous and yet eager to get this over with. Maybe once he knew she would stop sneaking around. Maybe once he saw she would realize she was making a mistake. Maybe she was just trying to get back at him for all the times he’d snuck away to see Kikyo. He deserved it, after all, but maybe after this night it would all end.

I’m okay.

I’m okay!

I’m okay now.

I’m okay now.

But you really need to listen to me

Because I’m telling you the truth

I mean this,

I’m okay!

Trust me.

They knew he was coming, knew what he would see, but they allowed it to happen. Too many times had they watched him put her in danger. Too many times had they sat in silence as he hurt her. No, she may not like the way it would happen, but it was time for him to find out, time for him to know that she’d moved on, that he could never break her heart again.

For the last time, take a good hard look

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

You wear me out.

He crept up slowly, hoping to catch a glimpse before they realized he was there, whoever ‘they’ were. Possibilities had been dancing through his mind ever since he’d followed her from camp; horrible possibilities that he was sure would break him. Still, of all the possibilities, he’d not for even a moment considered who he saw with her now.

Inuyasha’s heart caught in his throat at the sight of Kagome laid out bare on the forest floor with Kouga on her left, suckling at a perfectly shaped breast like a newborn pup, and Sesshoumaru on her right, his tongue tangling with hers while his fingers slipped between her legs, his touch making her arch and moan in pleasure. He forgot how to breathe and he tried to look away, one hand clutching at his chest, his claws trying to cut out his heart to end the pain.

He loved her, had always loved her, but he’d never before been able to admit it, not even to himself. Yes, she reminded him of Kikyo, but only in passing. He knew in his heart that she was a million times better, that she accepted him like Kikyo never would. And now he knew he’d waited too long, hiding his feelings beneath his gruff attitude, keeping her at arm’s length.

She’d chosen not only Kouga, who he hated, but his half-brother, who he absolutely despised and somewhere inside, Inuyasha understood. Though she may have set out at one point to hurt him, if she’d really wanted to she wouldn’t have tried to hide it. Somehow along the way her desire for revenge had faded as something else grew in its place.

He could tell just by looking at her, seeing the way her eyes danced, full of emotions he wished were felt for him, that she was happy where she was, that she was in love. He’d lost her forever.

He saw the trio whispering, their words too low for his human ears to hear, before Kagome smiled brightly and nodded. All of Inuyasha’s thoughts were confirmed as he watched both males sink their fangs into her shoulders, one on each side, permanently marking her as their mate.

She didn’t need to know what he’d seen. She couldn’t hide it any longer anyway. Come morning she would be telling him and the rest of their pack her secret. Until then he would pretend he’d stayed at camp, blissfully ignorant. Maybe then he could hold off the pain of his breaking heart, if just for a little while.

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

Well, I’m not okay.

I’m not o’ fucking ‘kay.

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.


He would find a way to be okay with it. He had to. He didn’t have a choice.


INUYASHA © Rumiko Takahashi/Shogakukan • Yomiuri TV • Sunrise 2000
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