Eden by Tears of Glass

Confessions of an Alcoholic

Author's Note: Omggg I had to change my summary because those kiddies under 16 apparently cannot bear to see the word "fuck" on a summary! I mean, there are people younger than that who get pregnant and have babies, for gods sake. What's in a word...Oh jeez. Well, just to clear things up, where the word "mess" or "messed" is on the summary, please consider the word "fuck" or "fucked" in its' stead...and I've added the summary so you can see for yourself. 

Summary: "You’re just like your father, just like him! You’re crazy, Sesshoumaru, and you’re fucked up, and your family didn’t even teach you anything else other than to fuck everyone else up with you along the way-”S/K, dark.

5 th November 2007

“You look pale, Kagome,” Yuki says, stroking my forehead.

“I’m just tired. And stressed. I’ve been preparing for the wedding like there’s no tomorrow,” I say.

A lie. I’m not tired, I’m not stressed, and I sure as hell am not preparing for the wedding.

It seems that all my life is now is lies, lies, and more lies. I lie to everyone, and it comes so naturally now, like breathing or blinking. I lie to myself, and to my husband, and to his to-be-second-wife.

I lie for myself, mostly, and for Sesshoumaru’s soon-to-be second wife. I lie to Yuki so that she never finds out about my life. I lie to Sesshoumaru so he doesn’t hurt me. I lie to my husband’s to-be-second-wife so that I can get under Sesshoumaru’s skin.

It’s sick, yes, but what else can I do? I’m extracting my own small revenge, just as he does to me. It’s equal.

In a very sick way.

“Are you excited?”

“I don’t know. I can’t wait to meet her. Do you think she’ll like me? I hope so. She looked cute in the photograph, but…” I babble. Well, lie.

As a matter of fact, I am excited. Not about the wedding, of course, but about Sesshoumaru’s expression when I read my speech to the guests. I’m only just stopping myself from skipping around the room.

I’ve already met the girl that would spend the rest of her innocent little life in our (and it’s hard to think of the next word) home. The girl absolutely adores me. She hangs on to my every word, eyes big and trusting.

And somehow, I feel like I need to protect her. This girl has a family that she will go and visit. She has younger siblings that look up to her with the same wide eyes. She is innocent, so incredibly innocent, that I cannot imagine not protecting her. I know that this girl looks at the marriage with dreamy eyes, imagining, no doubt, Sesshoumaru as her knight in shining armor. She looks at me and sees an elder sister she never had, and I find myself falling right into the role. And as an elder sister, I feel the overwhelming urge to protect her from the ugly aspect of their soon-to-be lives. The ugly aspect that is Us. Sesshoumaru and Kagome, and our sick and constant war. I don’t want to see the girl’s shattered face as Sessoumaru pummels me to the ground. As he takes me so hard and so violently that tears come to my eyes.

And so I went to Sesshoumaru and asked (screamed in his face, actually) to please, please don’t let her see the real us. He had snarled back an angry response – I’ll do whatever the fuck I want, you stupid bitch - and I had asked, pleaded, again, and again, to protect her, please, until he had taken a fistful of my hair and thrown me out of his study. And even then, I banged my fists against the door and shouted that I would do anything, but don’t let her see what you’re really like, don’t show her the real you.

Since we hadn’t spoken to since then, I had been hoping and praying and begging to whomever was up there to make him listen to me, just this once.

“What was her name again? Uh…Hinito…Hikami….what was it, Kagome?”

“Hikari…” I reply absentmindedly. Hikari. Such a beautiful name. The light. The way out of the tunnel.

“Kagome? Are you alright? You’re looking pale again. You should really see a doctor. Sesshoumaru-san does have a family doctor, right? Ask him to make an appointment for you immediately. It’s not good for you to be sick the day of the wedding, Kagome. You should really…”

But I’m not listening anymore. The wedding is today, and I’m dreading every minute of it. Well, except the part where I read my speech. I’ve been practicing for days, talking to my reflection, measuring my facial expressions, going over hand movements over and over again. I have it down. It is ready, and so am I.

“I’m going to take a short nap before it starts. I’ll see you later,” I say abruptly. Interrupting her, probably.

But Yuki shuts up and nods once and leaves my room.

Finally, quiet. It’s nice to see Yuki again after so many years, but I have more things on my mind than some stupid, simpering girl who pretends to miss me.

There’s knock at my door. Tentative. “Come in,” I snap.

The dressers, of course. I wait patiently as they put my hair into an elegant twist and paint my face and slip my dress up my shoulders. “Where’s the speech?” I ask one of the girls.

“It will be presented to you at the before you speak, according to Sesshoumaru-sama’s instructions. He also sends his love, and his hopes that you read your speech well and enjoy yourself as you do so.”

I stare at them. Sesshoumaru? Sending his love? Yeah, right. It was probably code for “I’m watching you, Kagome.”

And enjoy reading my speech? What did that mean? Surely he doesn’t know of it. Otherwise he would have confronted me about it, I’m positive. Nothing in the world can tarnish his reputation…except for me, and my status as his wife. And my speech. It will do exactly that.

Realization hits me like an iron fist in my stomach. He knows. Oh god, oh god, he knows! What am I going to do, what am I going to do?

“Miss? We’re to escort you down, now,” says a girl, jolting me out my thoughts.

Come on, Kagome. He probably doesn’t even know. You’re jumping to conclusions. It’s okay, it’s going to be fine. Just please. Calm down.

“I am perfectly capable of taking myself,” I snap. God, he knows! And why wouldn’t they leave her!

“Er…” the girls look nervously at one another. “Sesshoumaru-sama specifically asked that we escort you to your table…” they trail off, because I probably look like I’m about to murder one of them at the moment. Which is what will probably happen, no doubt.

“Well you can tell your Sesshoumaru-sama to stick it up his-”

“He said,” one of the girls interrupt, blushing furiously, “that if you were to say to ‘stick it up his… whatever,’ then he will be only too glad to stick it up yours, if you know what he means,” the girl whispers.

I blanch. “Fine,” I mutter. “Do what you must.” Because I don’t want to give him any more reason to be irritated with me.

And so we begin the long procession to the place where our lives will be altered forever.

-

“And do you, blah blah blah, take blah blah blah to blah blah blah,” I mimic under my breath. Hikari’s mother, who is seated to my left, nudges me under the table.

I roll my eyes. Mentally, of course. There are photographers everywhere. They probably caught my muttering too. I try not to fidget again. What am I going to do? He knows. He knows.

(So much for calming down.)

“I now pronounce you Man and Wife.” And applause erupts as they kiss. I don’t look. I’ll probably start to vomit uncontrollably. Or break into tears. There’s a fair chance of either one today.

This western-style wedding has been done on Hikari’s behalf; she had always found western weddings to be “charming.” I don’t see the point, personally, and I’m pretty sure Sesshoumaru doesn’t either, but he did it anyway, to keep her happy. One wrong move, and the relationship would be broken, and Sesshoumaru would lose millions. So they had submitted to every one of her stupid little whims. Ugh.

“Kagome, will you please come up and say a few words?”

My head snaps up and my eyes meet Sesshoumaru’s. They’re light, silver, but I’ve known him long enough to see the storm raging behind the calmness.

I stand and my wobbly legs take me to the podium. I nervously shuffle the index cards and clear my throat. I look up and am nearly blinded by the sudden flashing of camera lights. I blink in rapid succession and clear my throat again.

“This evening, as you know, is dedicated to my dearest husband and his new bride, Hikari. Sesshoumaru and I have known each other for a long time, and from day one,” I pause for a second and swallow. “We’ve always felt that something was missing. And now, with the addition of someone who is already like my younger sister, I know that my family is now complete. Thank you for bringing us together, Hikari, and welcome.” I smile slightly and wobble off to my table. I don’t dare to meet Sesshoumaru’s eyes. I don’t want to know what will happen.

Hikari’s father speaks, as do her brothers. Sesshoumaru stands up and asks her for the first customary dance. I want to giggle. Her face is an unknown shade of red, and I nearly choke to death trying not to laugh, because I just considered calling Crayola to introduce this new shade.

But Hikari’s mother coughs beside me and I immediately sober up and pick at the food on my plate, just like I’m supposed to.

Someone fills my flute with champagne and I drink it in one go. Most of our guests are up and about, dancing, eating, pretending the outside world doesn’t exist. I wish…I wish I don’t exist. I people watch for some minutes, and someone asks me to dance, and for a split second, I contemplate accepting, just to piss off Sesshoumaru. But I don’t, because he knows, so I politely decline. The last time I danced with someone besides Sesshoumaru, he had come between us and stolen the dance, his hands too harsh upon my waist. And that was just for a dance. I wrote a speech for his destruction, and oh god, he knows! I don’t know what to do. My breathing is climbing, I realize. I take deep, calming breaths. In, out. In, and out, Kagome. He doesn’t know.

Someone fills my flute again. And again, it’s gone in one go. Ugh, and it’s revolting. I want to go up to my room and open that bottle of vodka I had been saving for tonight. Not that it’ll be part of a celebration now. I’ll probably be drinking to my death tonight. Maybe I’ll just excuse myself early. Sesshoumaru can’t stop me, not now, not with everyone around.

Yes. I pick myself out of my chair and go outside. The sleek black cars are waiting for weary party-goers like me. I climb into the closest one and mumble the address, and I’m standing in front of my home in sixteen minutes. I let myself in and take myself to my room.

Straight to the small fridge. Get the bottle, open it. Pour it the cup I can reach the fastest. Sip it. Feel it burning through my throat.

I kick off my shoes and sit on the floor with my back to my bed, facing the door. I’m waiting for him to come. I bring the cup to my lips and realize that it’s empty. So I reach and fill it again and again and again….

The door opens so hard that it slams against the wall behind it and the bottle is flung out of my hands as my arms fly over my head and I cower and babble nonsense and I can’t understand what I’m saying because suddenly I’m crying and sobbing and bawling, and it sounds like sorry, so sorry, please please, I’m sorry, I’m-please, please don’t, I won’t, not ever again, sorry sorry sorry- and I gasp because he’s grabbed my hair with the pins and comb in it, it hurts like hell, and he’s saying something – “Look at me!” so I open my eyes, and brown meets silver, and his mouth is trembling and I automatically flinch, but nothing happens so I stare at him some more, the tears wont stop coming and I blink rapidly but he still stares at me and slowly, oh, so slowly, his fingers uncurl from my hair and he stands up so I slump to the ground with the broken glass and as he leaves, he mutters something, but I’m hiccupping and gasping, because I only just realize that I’ve been holding my breath, and then he’s gone, and he closes the door gently and then he locks it, and I’m trapped in this room all by myself.

After what seems like forever, I crawl to the fridge and grab another bottle. I don't bother with cups this time; now it's just straight out of the bottle. I slump against the fridge and try to concentrate on liquid burning down my throat. I lean my head back and let the bottle slide out of my hand. You're pathetic, Kagome, I say to myself, and pick myself off the ground of glass, and I wince, because I’m using my palms and the glass is being imbedded in my hands. I stumble the wall and slam my fingers on the call button. I push it again and again, and I can imagine the annoying buzzing it’s making in the servant’s quarters. Someone has probably stayed up, waiting for me to call them. They always do, after parties. They do, don’t they? I’m distracted by my contradiction. Of course they do. It’s what they’re paid for. They do get paid, right? Of course. But then again, I wouldn’t put it past Sesshoumaru to scare them into working for free. They do get food and clothes and apartments. Is that payment? Well, it should be, I justify. But shouldn’t they get money, too? I mean, someone who works for someone else should get paid-

I’m ripped from my useless babble as I hear someone unlocking the door.

“About time,” I slur with my back to the door. “My head, it’s fucking killing me, y’know? Get me outta these damn pins, why doesn’t he just rip my hair out and feed it to me next time? Piece of shit bastard -”

The hands that are on my shoulders aren’t those of a female servant.

They’re the calloused hands of Sesshoumaru. Automatically, my breath catches in my throat and I start thinking of excuses and apologies, but before I can voice them, he spins me around pushes me onto the chair in front of the almira. I look up in shock at the mirror, but he’s not looking at me. He’s concentrated in my hair, pulling the pins out slowly, softly.

It’s so gentle, that it’s almost too gentle. I almost want him to pull my hair form my roots.

But he doesn’t. I almost ask him too, but hold my tongue. Tendrils of hair are coming out and stroking my cheeks. It’s like heaven.

But I can’t stay still. I can’t seem to support myself. Against my will, my torso keeps slumping to this side or that, and I can’t keep my head up by myself. He puts his hand under my chin and my head automatically falls into it. A haze is starting to creep into my mind. I can’t concentrate anymore. Is he still fixing my hair? I don’t know.

Finally, I can’t stop it. The blackness has been creeping, but I can’t hold it back anymore. Maybe I'll just close my eyes for a second, and tell Sesshoumaru what a bastard he is...yes, just a second, I'll close my eyes...

My mouth is so dry. Surely, there are cotton balls in my mouth. Who did that? And who is hitting my head with a hammer? Is there tape over my eyes? Because I can’t seem to open them. It’s red underneath my eyelids. Where am I?

I lift my hands to my eyes – my muscles have lead in them, I swear – and rub. The dried…stuff crumbles away, and I slowly open my eyes.

And then immediately close them again, because someone has opened the drapes on my window, and the sun is shining right into my eyes. I groan and turn over, and my brain crashes into the side of my skull. Oh god, oh god , it hurts like a bitch. I groan again and reach under my pillow for my cell phone. I push a random button and growl “Servant” into it.

I hear it ringing after a second. “Yes, Miss?” someone answers.

“I want a bath and I want you to put me in one in five minutes.”

“Yes, Miss. Right away.”

“And bring some water, for fuck’s sake. I’m thirsty as hell.”

“Of course.”

The call ends, and I want to throw the piece of shit across the room, but I can hardly move, let alone throw anything anywhere.

Fuck.

“Fuck.”

I can hear the door unlocking again. I see the back of a stupid pink blouse. Finally. Water.

She sets the tray down on the beside table and helps me to sit up. I probably look like shit.

She brings the cup to my lips, and I’m suddenly annoyed at myself. This is what you’ve become, Kagome. Can’t even drink water by yourself. You’re pathetic. The water feels good in my mouth, so cold. I let it trickle down my throat and it soothes the cotton in my mouth.

I swish the next sip around my teeth. Swallow.

“Is that bath ready?”

She pours in another sip. She’s so good at this. Years of practice. I’m ashamed of myself.

“Yes, I’ll take you down when you’re ready-”

“-I’m ready.”

So she leads me down the corridor and into the spacious bath tub, waiting for me, just for me. She helps me to strip down, because I can hardly stand straight, and the lights hurt my eyes, and my head spins if I keep my eyes open or closed for too long.

She eases me into the bath and leaves. She knows the drill.

I don’t know how long I sit in the bath with my head leaned back and my arms thrown over the sides of the tub.

I concentrate on breathing to make the pounding in my head to go away.

“Aspirin!” I scream in the bathroom. The shrill echo hurts my ears and my head hammers all the harder and I wince. She’s back and reaching into her apron and puts the pills into my open mouth and I take the cup of water by myself this time and swallow.

“Leave me.” She’s gone, and I am alone with my thoughts.

Just the two of us.

Me, and my thoughts.

11 November 2007

I have been obsessing over Sesshoumaru for the past three days. I wonder if he listened to me. I hope, hope, hope that he was gentle with her that night. I see her face in my dreams, crying, sobbing and looking at me with accusing eyes. One eye is blackened in my dreams and she’s trembling. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you lie?” she screams at me. I want to tell her everything, but as I go to open my mouth, I realize that there is something holding my lips together…stitches! And as soon as I realize that they’re stitches, it starts to hurt, so I claw at my mouth and skin and blood clots underneath my fingernails.

Other times, I dream that she sleeps peacefully in her bed, and Sesshoumaru stalks upon her form. I don’t know how, but I know that he intends to hurt. I run to the bed and shake her and shake her, but nothing happens, she doesn’t wake up to see the danger looming before her. But then Sesshoumaru touches her once; one light touch of his finger from her temple to her lips, and she’s wide awake and smiling at him, inviting him in. His eyes are black, and I know he intends to hurt, so I shout at her, scream at her, but she doesn’t seem to hear me.

I have not seen Sesshoumaru since that night, and now I’m starting to wonder if it really happened. Did he carefully, gently let my hair down? Did he carry me to my bed and set me between the covers? Was that his hand that brushed the hair from my face?

The more I think about it, the more I realize that he would never do that. Of course it never happened. Sesshoumaru? Gentle? To me? Yeah, right. The mere sight of my face makes him sick. Of course it wasn’t him. It was probably someone else. Yes. I was drunk like a bitch; how would I know who it was anyways? I couldn’t even see straight, let alone distinguish between people.

But I can’t seem to shake the feeling that it was him. I have to know, I say to myself as I pace the room. The new carpet feels good between my toes. Someone had it changed after I spilled all that vodka everywhere. I like this one much more. It’s so plushy. I wouldn’t mind passing out on the floor. I rub my temples. Was it him, though? I should ask him….yes. I’ll go right now, I decide.

So I pull open my bedroom door and pad across the hall to the study. I raise my hand to knock and suddenly my hand freezes. Because there is moaning and groaning and the sound of skin slapping skin and oh god, they’re doing it! In his study! Hikari!

Part of me wants to run down the hall and bury my head underneath my pillows, and another part of me wants to barge in to make sure he’s not hurting her, and what am I going to do!

I force myself away and to my room before I do anything stupid. I slam the door behind me and sink down with my knees to my chest. Oh my god, what if he’s hurting her? What if he’s been too rough? Is she okay? Did he make her….I decide that I’m thinking way too much, and I need to go out and get away from here.

In seven minutes flat, I’m out of my bathrobe and into street clothes with big sunglasses, and my hair is in a messy bun, and I’m standing outside the community lot, flagging down a taxi.

“The Black Raven, please,” I say to the driver. He nods and takes off, weaving through the traffic.

I take out my cell phone and dial Yuki’s number. “I’ll meet you at the Raven in fifteen minutes,” I tell her as soon as she answers the phone.

I don’t know if she’s busy, but who cares? I told her to meet me, and she knows better than to not be there. And anyway, I’m the one who’ll pay for her fucking drink, and get her into the exclusive club in the first place.

I get there in thirty minutes, not fifteen, but I'm supposed to be fashionably late. I get out of the cab and see that she’s already there, standing on the corner. I can see that she’s annoyed a little, but the look slides immediately from her face when she sees me striding toward her.

“Hello, Yuki,” I say, shifting my clutch to my other hand. “Ready?” and I walk away without waiting for an answer. Of course she’s ready, the little moocher.

“Kagome!” she pants, “you look hot! Where’d you get your jeans? I’m loving the way they…”

But, as usual, I’ve already tuned her out. “Sesshoumaru took me here when we were seventeen. He called it a date,” I lie, probably interrupting her.

“How’d you get in?”

“We bribed the doorman,” I say. It’s a half truth; at the time, the doorman had been gay. He’d wanted a feel, and Sesshoumaru had complied, just to get in. It had haunted him for months, I know.

We’re in now, so I go straight to the bar and order my usual. Well, I don’t really say anything; as soon as the bartender saw me, he began his mixing, and by the time I slide myself onto a seat, it’s there in front of me. I nod at him, and take the first sip.

It’s good, oh so good, that I want to tip my head back and swallow it in one go. But I don’t. Kagome Taisho, Sesshoumaru Taisho’s wife, simply does not do those kinds of things. So I take another sip, and another…

I don’t know when it happened, or how, but now some guy is grinding against me, and I’m grinding right back. The music is so loud, it’s in my bones and everything, and I have no control over what I’m doing. I lift my arms above my head, and bigger hands caress from my wrists to my shoulders, and the hands are on my hips, he’s turning me around so I close my eyes and let the beat take over. I’m so sweaty, and my hair is sticking to my neck, and something wet is there too, behind my ear. He’s sucking gently and nipping, all the while dancing with me. It feels so good, I cannot even think of anything else. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him in closer and he pulls my hips against him in response, and oh god, it feels so good, what he’s doing to my neck….the music is slowing down, I can feel it. It’s subtle, but it’s there. There’s going to be a slow one in about six minutes. There’s something hard against my hips, and realization kicks me in my face.

I’m dancing with a stranger, drunk, who has just sucked on my neck, and is now horny as fuck.

Shit.

I pull away and practically run to the bar and snarl for my purse – what time is it? – and I stumble to the sidewalk and flag a cab down. I look up before I get in, and the moon is there, it’s so full. I stare at the moon the way back home and notice that it does not change its shape or brilliance, no matter where we go.

When we get to my home, I almost ask the driver to turn right around, because Sesshoumaru is standing in front of the door.

I sit in the cab until the driver says “Miss?” in a “Can you get out now, please?” tone.

So I climb out and take as much time as I can, counting out the exact change to give to him. I take too little time, so I count and recount it three times. The driver looks ready to spit at me. I shove it in his hands and mumble a 'thanks.' I watch as he swings the cab around and is gone through the gate.

I don’t really have to go home, do I? It’s a free country, and that makes me a free citizen. I can just turn right around and find that guy and fuck him like there’s no tomorrow, and have – Sesshoumaru has grabbed my hand is pulling me up the drive and into the house. I shuffle behind him and try and keep up. He pulls me inside and shuts the door behind him. The lights are so bright inside, it seems like they’re all on; it’s a stark contrast to the black night outside. I blink blink blink and open my mouth in shock, because they’re all there, Hikari, the servants, the cooks, the entire household has gathered. I raise my eyes to the clock.

Holy-fucking-shit. It’s not really ten minutes to four, is it? No way. It must be daylight savings, or something.

I open my mouth and turn to Sesshoumaru to explain myself and tell him that surely, surely it is not nearly four o’clock A.M.?

“Where have you been?” Sesshoumaru growls, and just like that, all the bones in my body freeze and snap into place.

“I was – You know, the – It’s not like it’s anything – really, I wasn’t,” I babble, “And the clock is wrong, Sesshoumaru, it can’t be four, I left at six, for goodness sake, it’s impossible – you!” I snap at a servant. He looks up. “I want you to change these fucking clocks. Don’t you know that you’re supposed to? The next time this happens, I’ll fire you, you stupid fuckbag, I swear-”

“Kagome.”

And my mouth snaps shut.

“I want to talk to you. Privately, in my study, right now.” He tucks my hand into the crook of his elbow and we walk up the stairs and into his study.

“I want the lights out in five minutes, and all of you to look after one another as you sleep,” he calls down the stairs. I can hear their murmured consents before we enter his study and his softly closes the door behind him. I immediately pull my arm from his and take four big steps away from him. There’s now a good four feet between us, and I start to measure the distance from me to the door, but he’s standing in front of it, and what am I going to do?

He takes a step towards me, and I counter it with two steps of my own away from him. We continue in this fashion until my back hits the wall, and he’s hardly an arm’s length away from me. His hand comes up and I close my eyes, but all he does is move my hair away from my neck and onto the opposite shoulder. He brushes his thumb against my lips and traces a line to my ear…and to the bruising hickie that the stranger gave me at the Raven.

Oh, god.

He cups my face, so that the pads of his thumbs are rubbing my cheekbones. But I won’t give in this time. I’m a free fucking citizen, and I won’t tell him anything, let him do anything to me anymore.

“Tell me where you’ve been.”

I stay silent.

“Kagome, you will tell me where you’ve been, or I will make you.” He’s no longer holding my face in his hands; he’s crushing my face into his hands.

And just like that, my resolve is gone.

“The Black Raven! I was at the Black Raven!”

He is silent, and I’m in so much trouble, because that is the place that he strictly forbade me to go to, what was I thinking?

“Tell me who gave you this,” he says softly as he runs a finger over the bruise. I wonder how long he’ll keep up this charade of ‘I’m not mad, I’m curious.’

“I…I don’t know – some guy that I danced with, but nothing happened, I swear! I just danced with him-”

“-at a fucking nightclub, you stupid whore! Tell me what else you did with him! Tell me!” and his hand comes up and flies against my cheek with such force that I fall to the found at his feet on my knees.

He crouches down and grasps a fistful of my hair and slams my head into the wall, and pain explodes from the point of impact to my teeth , but I barely have time to absorb it before he does it again, and again and I’m screaming for him to stop, but he doesn’t, and he’s punching me everywhere, hard fists into my stomach and ribs, and he’s punching the breath right out of me, so I wheeze and cough and try to push oxygen back into my lungs, his long fingers are pushing my thighs apart roughly, it hurts and it will certainly leave bruises for me to nurse in the morning, and he’s inside me suddenly, but I’m not ready so I cry out to him and tell him so, but he doesn’t listen, does he ever? He buries his head into my neck and bites and sucks and I will probably have twin bruises on both sides of my neck, but of course the one Sesshoumaru does hurts like fuck. And shit, I’m crying because it fucking hurts, and finally, finally, he shoots his seed inside me and collapses on top of me. He’s so heavy and he’s crushing me and he’s panting so hard in my ear.

But he eventually evens out his breathing so I think he’s a sleep. I try and softly shift his body off of mine, but his breathing hitches and his arms tighten around me, so no, he’s not sleep. After a while, or maybe no time at all, he pushes his torso off of mine and glares down at me.

“You’re mine, Kagome, and no matter what you do, or where you go, you’ll always belong to me. I don’t know why you bother, because I’ll kill us both before I let you go, I swear Kagome, I’ll kill us both before you ever get away from me.”

He drags me up and pulls me through the hidden door in his study to his bedroom, and we fall into his bed, stripped down and all, and fall asleep.

At least, he does.

I lay awake late into the morning, thinking.

You’ll kill us both before you let me go.

And I cannot help but think:

It may just come to that, Sesshoumaru. It just might.