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What evil have I wrought?!. by phishbon3s

I Palindrome I or A monk walks into a bar

Ok, this crack fic was written in response to beka's Name That Tune challenge (ending Aug 1, 2009). All 87 songs (wow) are by They Might Be Giants and the list of songs used will be posted at the end of the fic. Not counting the TMBG song in the title, I Palindrome I, that is. 1422 word count after the rewrite. Please refer to beka's Name That Tune challenge on the Challenge forum for the rules I had to follow. Per the rules of this challenge, all dialogue is the titles of songs only. Expect at least 1 more chapter if not more. I hope the fic doesn't burn your eyes too much.

Crack fic starting in 3...

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Action!

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Taking a deep breathe of the night air, Miroku exhales a happy sigh, "Glasgow." A small smile graced his mouth as he strolled to the bar his friends and he frequent. The city was always noisy, even at this time of night.

A young couple could be heard arguing in the house to his left. "Caroline, no!" "Leave me alone! I blame you!" "I don't understand you." The shouting died down as he continued down the street, always mindful of his surroundings.

Arriving at his destination, Miroku opened the heavy door and strode inside. Nodding his head to the two bouncers in greeting,  "Scott. Bower". Both men nodded back and continued to scan the room for any tale tail signs of trouble. "Darlin' Allison." He winked saucily to the waitress who passed him, pleased when he got a blushing smile in return.

Walking to the right, he headed toward the table they always sit at, one that they have been meeting at for years. Miroku surveyed the scattered empty glasses and the pungent stench of different types of alcohol.

Looking to Sesshoumaru, he gestured to the empty glasses in question. "Drink number three," was the short reply to the number of rounds they had drunk through so far.

Looking to the most inebriated, Kagome blinked glumly up at Miroku. "Rabid child youth culture killed my dog dead! Broke in two!" was her slurred exclamation. Miroku stopped and blinked rapidly, unsure of what to make of her drunken ramblings. Sesshoumaru waved it way with one elegant hand, "Brain problem situation."

Shrugging, Miroku then swept his gaze over the table. Exasperated, he mumbled, "Someone keeps moving my chair." Resigned, he snags a chair from one of the few vacant tables around him, straddling it backwards and crossing his arms over the back of it.

Standing suddenly, Kagome slammed her fist on the table. "My evil twin, she's actual size! Bastard wants to hit me!" she shouted indignantly.

Bristling at the slight to Kikyo, InuYasha countered, "She's an angel!"

Kagome glared at InuYasha, sitting once again. "Yeh yeh, snowball in Hell", Kagome snorted under her breathe as she took another swig of vodka.

"Hey now, everybody don't let's start", Sango pleaded. Grumbling, both ignoring the other. Sighing in self defeat, Sango mumbled under breath, "Impossible. Maybe? I know."

Kagome stuck her tongue out at her friend, "Fun assassin."

When the waitress brought another round, Miroku grabbed her hand and looked into her eyes, "Jessica..." but the rest of his flirt was stopped abruptly by the elbow to his side. A sheepish smile to Sango, Miroku raised his glass high in a toast. "I hope that I get old before I die!" However, before anyone could drink, Miroku held up his hand. Gesturing to Sango as a sign for her to toast as well, she smiled and raised her voice, "Happy doesn't have to have an ending!" Cheers followed this and everyone downed their glass.

A man and woman walked past their table, waving at the elderly gentleman behind the bar. Raising her voice, the woman shouted "Mr. Klaw, we're the replacements!" "Kendra McCormick," Mr. Klaw smiled as he shook her hand. Kendra turned to gesture to the young man beside her, "Meet James Ensor". They turned toward the backroom to change, James scoffing at the idea of their paycheck's amount, "Minimum wage", he snorted in derision. Shaking his head, he disappeared into the back room with the other employees.

The DJ changed records and a slow instrumental started to play. Turning to face the DJ, InuYasha shouted, "Hey, Mr. DJ, I thought you said we had a deal!" He hated 80's ballads, especially Hair Band ones. "Man, it's so loud in here." The DJ just shot a smug smirk back at him, and pointed to the bouncers at the door when InuYasha started to stand up.

Shooting a glare at the DJ, InuYasha turned back to the group and toasted the next round. "Dig my grave!" Tossing back his drink, InuYasha then thumped the glass with a clunk on the table. The rest of the table followed suit, followed by a chorus of more glasses thudding to the table.

Sango looked behind her and nudged Kagome, whispering "Turn around." Twisting in her seat to point at the bouncers by the door, Sango dropping her voice, "They might be giants" she said in awe at the huge men.

Taking in the features of the two men, Kagome blushed. "S-E-X-X-Y. If I wasn't shy", Kagome trailed off in a whisper to Sango. Both girls giggled at this shared ogle of the local beefcake.

Miroku noticed Naraku had been on his cell phone since his arrival, talking animatedly to ... someone. Intrigued by some of the conversation he was able to pickup, Miroku decided it was in everyone's best interests for someone to listen in.

Naraku seemed to silently ask the for patience to deal with the caller "O, do not forsake me. No one knows my plan." He returned to the call with a brisk "No, Plan B!................. The statue got me high............ I can hear you............Eight hundred and thirteen mile car trip ? Impossible! With the dark, wicked little critta? Reprehensible.................. They got lost? I'm impressed............  Solid? Liquid? Gas? ................ I can add. One dozen monkeys? They'll need a crane."

Closing his cell phone, Naraku let a slow smile grace his features. "Damn good times."

Naraku started to laugh deeply only to slam his fists on the table, he stood up and declared, "Canada haunts me. I'm sick of this American life! I'll sink Manhattan!" Everyone stared at him in bewildered silence, to which Naraku elegantly shrugged.

The next round arrived and Naraku chose to give the toast. Clearing his throat and raising his glass of whiskey, Naraku toasted to "The day everything right is wrong again". Naraku smirked when his toast was met with less enthusiasm than Miroku's.

Miroku sat there with a serene smile on his face. Quirking an eyebrow and mindful of the pervert hands, Sango asked what was on his mind. Making a gesture to encompass the bar, the city, them... everyone everywhere tonight. "Women & men, whistling in the dark" was his response. Sango had to wonder if he was waxing philosophical or just drunk.

Sesshoumaru sipped his scotch on the rocks when his cell phone beeped, alerting him to a voice mail. It was from Rin. "We want a rock! For Science! The biggest one!" She and Shippo had to do a project for school and required some items.  "Stalk of wheat, snail shell - spiraling shape, photosynthesis, piece of dirt...." When the list seemed to keep going on, Sesshoumaru pressed stop, deciding to save the message to play later. He pocketed his phone, turning back to nurse his drink.

The next round found Kagome standing to deliver her toast, with mixed results. Kagome's toast of "When it rains, it snows" was met with confusion and shrugging cheers.

And so it went, until last call. Standing to leave, Kagome's sloshed state got the better of her and she tripped, "Twisting" was all Kagome could eep before she landed in Miroku's lap. Blinking blearily up at him and unaware of her compromising position, Kagome decided to hang on to him until the world stopped tilting. Grateful for the solid form keeping her grounded, Kagome happily proclaimed "I found a new friend!"

Grinning in the way only a pervert can, Miroku exclaimed in fake shock and surprise, "It's not my Birthday?!." He however did not see the fist fly at his head until too late. Sango glared at the groaning letcher.

InuYasha threw an arm around Miroku to drag him to standing as Sesshoumaru picked up Kagome.

Kagome looked up, squinting at Sesshoumaru, "Am I awake?"

Chuckling, Sesshoumaru just said "No" while giving a slight smile.

Just to add fuel to the fire, Naraku scoffed, "Lady is a tramp, which describes how you're feeling ".

"Spider." Sesshoumaru warned. To which Naraku mockingly bowed. "Narrow your eyes, mammal" was said in a quivering voice. Somehow Naraku seemed to be able to pull off the odd combination of faux frightened and mocking sensual tones masterfully.

Sesshoumaru curled his lip and gave a low growl at the smirking man.

Laughing at the men, the group paid their tabs and headed for the exit..

"Thank you for coming...", the waitresses shouted to the retreating forms.

Turning to his companions, Miroku gave a sleepy, "Goodnight my Friends." Waving, Miroku headed home. "There's a great big beautiful tomorrow."

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Ok, all the songs are from the band They Might Be Giants. Here's the list of the 87 songs I used, in order that they appear. Prepare yourselves:

Glasgow (aka T-H-E-G-A-R-A-G-E)

Caroline, No (The Beach Boys cover)

Fingertips: Leave Me Alone

I Blame You

Fingertips: I Don't Understand You

Scott Bower

Darlin' Allison

Drink!

Number Three

Rabid Child

Youth Culture Killed My Dog

Dead

Broke in Two

Brain Problem Situation

Someone Keeps Moving My Chair

My Evil Twin

She's Actual Size

Bastard Wants To Hit Me

She's an Angel

Yeh Yeh. (a cover)

Snowball in Hell

Hey Now, Everybody

Don't Let's Start

Impossible

Maybe I Know

Fun Assassin

Jessica

I Hope That I Get Old Before I Die

Happy Doesn't Have to Have an Ending

Mr. Klaw

We're the Replacements

Kendra McCormick

Meet James Ensor

Minimum Wage

Hey, Mr. DJ, I Thought You Said We Had a Deal

Man, It's So Loud In Here

Dig My Grave

Turn Around

They Might Be Giants

S-E-X-X-Y

If I Wasn't Shy

O, Do Not Forsake Me

No One Knows My Plan

No, Plan B.

The Statue Got Me High

I Can Hear You

Eight Hundred and Thirteen Mile Car Trip

Impossible

With The Dark

Wicked Little Critta

Reprehensible

They Got Lost

I'm Impressed

Solid Liquid Gas

I Can Add

One Dozen Monkeys

They'll Need a Crane

Damn Good Times

Canada Haunts Me

I'm Sick (Of This American Life)

I'll Sink Manhattan

The Day

Everything Right is Wrong Again

Women & Men

Whistling in the Dark

We Want a Rock

For Science

The Biggest One

Stalk of Wheat

Snail Shell

Spiraling Shape

Photosynthesis

Piece of Dirt

When It Rains It Snows

Twisting

Fingertips: I Found a New Friend

Am I Awake?

No!

It's Not My Birthday

Lady is a Tramp

Which Describes How You're Feeling

Spider

Narrow Your Eyes

Mammal

Thank You for Coming...

Goodnight My Friends

There's a Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow

 

INUYASHA © Rumiko Takahashi/Shogakukan • Yomiuri TV • Sunrise 2000
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