Past Regrets, Present Longings by DaiyoukaiGeisha

Chapter 1

:: Author's Note ::

I keep telling myself to finish one chapter length story before I go on and start another one. Then my muse comes out of God knows where, puts a drink in my hand, and tells me to just shut up and ****ing write. *sigh*

This story is a continuation of the one-shot "Of Past Regrets and Present Longings" from my "Ravings of a Madwoman" one-shot collection (repeated here in chapter 1). It takes place after the end of the manga, but contains flashbacks to earlier points in the series. I'll warn you now, this story will be dark and angst-ridden. If dark/tragedy fics are not your cup of tea, then this story is definitely not for you. There is a reason why I didn't put this story in the "Romance" genre.

I typically don't write this pairing as dark. It's usually erotic, humorous, romantic, or a bit of all three. So, I would like to keep these characters in character at all times. If you see me straying into OOC land, please let me know.

I'll also ask your forgiveness up front if you don't think the chapters come out fast enough. As much as I would adore sitting at home playing World of Warcraft and writing fan fiction all day, that's not reality (unfortunately). So, I kindly ask for your patience. :)

Thank you for reading.

Disclaimer - Inuyasha and all characters associated to that intellectual property belong to Rumiko Takahashi and Viz. This story, including all places, people, or objects, is written for non-profit entertainment purposes only.

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A tall demon clad in magnificent armor stood next to his first born. His patient and knowing gaze surveyed a battlefield strewn with burning debris and filled with the sounds of the dying. Every man that died that day was his enemy, but he felt little joy as they took their last breaths.

"What are you searching for my son?" he said calmly to the demon at his side.

"I do not understand," his son replied curtly.

He hated it when father did this. Tell him to perform a service, then bombard him with esoteric questions. What was the point of it? Was the deed not done to his satisfaction?

The elder demon swept a strong arm across the scene in front of them. "You cut down these men without a thought. Ripping through them as if their blood would reveal something to you. Again, I ask, for what do you search?"

The younger replied with an answer he thought the old demon would want to hear, if only to end this meaningless conversation. "For power alone. To prove to this rabble that I am worthy of respect."

"I see," said the elder, and the younger heard nothing but disappointment in his tone.

::-::

The moon was barely a sliver in the sky and the wind from the south was warm, and slightly wet, promising rain. It was on nights like this that his mind rewound, moving backwards in time to touch upon all of those seemingly senseless musings of his now deceased sire. As he recounted each word, every unnerving question, he spoke little and drank much.

A demoness, small in height but lithe in build refilled his cup. "Will you join me tonight, my lord?"

Her voice was cultured and the question was laden not with desire, but duty. He merely looked at her. It was always like this when he returned from a long journey. He would drink, wrapping himself in memory, and she would tempt him to her bed. Sometimes he allowed her to take him, often he did not.

Suddenly he slapped the sake pitcher out of her hands, shattering it to pieces on the polished wood floor. The demoness recoiled immediately. He was often cold and detached when he returned, but never violent. She remained on her knees and bowed so low that her head touched the ground.

"My lord, what have I done? W-what would you have of me?" she said softly.

"Nothing," he said dismissively, "Leave me."

She looked up at him with questioning eyes shining with unshed tears. He saw fear and surprise but little else. The demoness claimed to love him, he knew she did not. He could not remain here in this palace with this female. He refused to stand by duty as she did and wed her as he was expected to. He did not want this life, but what did he want? In that moment he would have given anything to sit with his father and have just one more purposeless dialogue.

"What are you searching for my son?"

He still lacked an answer that would not disappoint and that angered him more than the crocodile tears of a faithless would-be bride.

His eyes blazed crimson fire for a brief moment and he repeated in a deadly whisper, "Leave me."

She fled, finally allowing her tears to fall. Several days later he ordered his retainer to have her moved back to her father's residence in the east. After the news spread, demonesses from ever quarter jumped at the chance to be his next consort. He refused to lay with any of them.

::-::

"Shippo don't steal Inuyasha's ramen please, it's not nice," said Kagome just before she left the hut. She really did need to sit down and have a long talk with the fox kit about manners, but now was not the time. She promised to get this chore done for Kaede and the day was almost over.

She took her basket and breathed in the fresh air. It was a lovely afternoon. No demons were attacking, no evil plots afoot, no jewel shards to find. It was simply a beautiful day that promised to lead into a pleasant tomorrow.

The wind picked up and she placed a protective hand over her basket. She looked up to see Inuyasha's half-brother standing before her. He visited his ward often and had become a regular sight in the village after Naraku's defeat.

Kagome nodded in greeting. "Hello Sesshomaru. Uh, Rin-"

"I am not here for her," he interrupted.

"Oh, I see. Well then I was just about to sort these herbs. If you're looking for Inu-"

He cut her off sharply once again, "I do not seek him either."

He didn't seem inclined to elaborate and she sighed heavily. "Very well, I'll leave you alone."

If he wanted to be mysterious he could do that on his own, she had things to do. She sat next to a nearby tree and began to work, taking no more notice of him.

Without warning he stalked over and grabbed her by the arm, forcing her to stand.

"What the-!? That hurt! What's the matter with you?! Inu-"

The kiss was as brutal and rough as it was sudden. His tongue forced its way into her mouth as she tried to pull away. She tasted like honey and raw power, clean and pure. She did not want him, but that hardly mattered. He wanted, if only for a moment, to have what his brother possessed once again.

Even as she struggled in his embrace, it felt so right. He had watched her shower unconditional love and caring patience on his half-breed brother for so long. During this harsh stolen kiss Sesshomaru pretended that those feelings were for him alone. Unconsciously he deepened the kiss and Kagome let out a pitiful moan. The anguished moan only fueled his false hope.

"Again, I ask, for what do you search?"

Sesshomaru searched for passion in her touch, affection in her eyes, and found neither. He pressed the kiss further still hoping to find something, anything, only to discover nothing. Soon the kiss became bruising and for a second her tongue slid against his in a way that made him go weak, allowing her to twist away from his grasp.

She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, her chest rising and falling rapidly. Then she reached back and slapped him across the face hard. The blow barely turned his head or left a mark, but he still felt the sharp sting of it.

Kagome moved once again to yell for help. She knew running would do her no good. She could only hope the others would hear her in time.

"I offer you my apology priestess," he said, and she heard his voice waver for the first time.

This wasn't right. Where was the mocking arrogant demon lord she knew? What was wrong with him? She expected him to harm her, especially after striking him. Instead he looked...broken. It took her back and her fury started to fade into concern.

"Sesshomaru?" she said quietly, but her words hung in the wind. He was already gone.