Challenge Collection by Sessylove219 by Sessylove219

Phallic-Shaped Object

Title: Phallic-shaped object

Prompt: Uniform

Word count according to MS Word: 1116

Rated - M

Karma -  for smexy

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There was just something about a man in uniform. Every chick knows this. Most of us will lust after a guy in uniform, any uniform - military, police, fireman, hell...even bellhop in some cases. Most of us can see a guy in a uniform, have a nice little smutty fantasy about them, and then go on about our day. That is most of us. Not all of us. Perhaps if you here about what happened to my best friend, you will understand how not all of us are subject to the same rules...

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Everywhere I looked, there were penises. Big ones, small ones, pink ones, black ones, even some colors that do not exist in nature for humans. They were all over the walls, depicted on and as balloons, and even used as straws. This was my bachelorette party. There was a six foot cock blow up "toy" outside of my house, right on the lawn. I hate to think of what the neighbors must be thinking. I had just moved in here a month ago. Already, there will be rumors about drunken chicks and penises. Perfect.

I was drinking out of a straw shaped like a penis from a penis shaped bottle. Some people even had little dick ice cubes. I shudder to think of the store that this all must have come from. There was the requisite penis shaped cake, with pink frosting and white cream at the top. Subtle, right? I swear, my face must have been red for the entire party.

As the night wore on, the laughing got louder, the gifts raunchier, and the music seemed to come from within my head it was set so high. I was a little bit drunk and talking with my best friend about what to do with the double-dong dildo I had received from my mother, of all people, when there was a loud knock on the front door. I got up to answer and tripped on a strap on that was lying on the floor (my cousin had strapped it to her forehead and was saying that she was a "dick-head"). Thank kami she was now barfing in the bathroom. My friend laughed her ass off over my fall and the fact that the dildo attached to the strap on was nearly up my ass, and said she would answer the door.

I finally got myself free from the over-eager dildo and walked to the entryway. There was a cop there.

Shit.

I was so screwed.

Still, he was soooo hot.

Must be the uniform.

My friend was looking a tad bit flustered as well. There, standing in the doorway to my house was the hottest piece of youkai ass I had ever seen. He was way over six feet tall, had long white-blue hair, golden eyes, and markings that made you want to trace them with your tongue. Yeah, he was a regulation hottie (Yeah, I just watched Mean Girls) with a body to die for. He also had a large gun at one hip and a sword on the other. Probably one in the middle too. He took out a notebook and told me that he had been sent due to a complaint by some of the neighbors for excessive noise and what looked to be an "oversized phallic-shaped object" in the front yard. Seriously, he really said that. "Phallic-shaped object". If I weren't so upset and felt like crying, I would have been laughing.

He said he was going to have to take me in. I couldn't believe it. I was going to get arrested by a kami look-a-like a week before my wedding because some dumb-ass friend of mine thought it would be hilarious to put a gigantic schlong in my yard. I couldn't help it, I cried.

He made me stand against the wall, and when I thought I would feel him putting handcuffs on me, I felt him grind himself into my ass. Yep...definitely another sword in the middle. He told me that I had the right to remain silent, but that when he was naked with me, I would not be able to. That's when I figured out what was going on. He wasn't a cop. He was a stripper.

I looked over at my best friend, who's face was so red I thought her head was going to explode. Finally she did explode...in laughter. I didn't think that she had hired him, but I think she figured it out way faster than I did.

He moved away from me, and led me to a chair in the middle of my living room. Somehow, like magic, my friends all sat around in other spots, leaving just me, the chair, and the stripper, in a large semi-circle. I thought I would die of shame. If my fiancée heard about this, he would never let me live it down.

He danced in front of me, losing a piece of clothing at a time, his hips swaying with the seductive music. I tried to stare at his face, but ended up staring at his package most of the time. Yeah, I knew I was getting married in a week, but a girl is allowed to dream, right. He got down to this tiny g-string that was so strained against his huge member that it seemed like the fabric was screaming in fatigue.

He danced over me, covering me with all that hair, did a lap-dance in my lap, and altogether made me so embarrassed that I seriously considered killing my friends. I looked to their faces and saw a weird mix of lust, embarrassment, and shyness. This was very strange from the personalities I know that most of these women had. Well, women, and some of my gay friends.

I slipped the stripper twenty bucks to give my best friend a lap dance too. That bitch deserved the embarrassment for laughing at mine earlier.

I swear, I never knew what would happen.

This sounds weird, or like the punch line to a bad joke. I am going to get married tomorrow, but my best friend, and maid of honor, will not be there. She ran off to Maui, to get married. To the stripper.

I found out who hired that stripper. It was my fiancée, Miroku. He still doesn't understand why I am mad at him. My best friend, sweet, innocent Kagome has married the Youkai Lord of the West, who had to take a booking as a stripper for one night because he lost a bet. My friend, the most powerful miko ever born is married to a taiyoukai. These kinds of things can only happen in my life.