Check One: YES - NO- MAYBE by 4arrows

Opening Theme Music

Authors Note: First fanfiction or try at writing anything other than music since high school. This is not meant to be a serious story, rather I am poking fun at both the characters as well as pop culture. Let me know what you think.

Chapter 1: The Opening Theme Song

What was the problem?

He had barked, growled, snarled, bared his fangs at her and nothing. He even pretended to attack her several times hoping she would get the hint.

He had even pissed on all the trees all the way around their camp for several nights straight just to make it perfectly clear what his intentions were. If only his idiot half-brother hadn't re-marked all of them the next morning while glancing around and muttering curses under his breath, it might have worked.

If he wasn't interested then he would have killed her in his fathers tomb to begin with and never spared her a second thought. Instead he had transformed into his demon state to try and impress the wench, but the result had not been as favorable as he would have liked. Truthfully, he hadn't meant to blast her with his poison, she was just so exceedingly mouthy that it had been a reflex. He thought briefly of his lost arm, and all the trouble it had caused him.

Any "normal" Inu bitch would have had her ass in the air, sex displayed and waiting for his grand entrance about half a second after his first snarl at her. And been damned grateful. But she was not inu, she was a ningen. That fact alone was enough reason to assume she wouldn't be aware of everything a proper bitch should. But honestly, he may have overestimated her powers of deduction because he did not know how much more obvious his intentions could be without just foregoing formalities and mounting the daft bitch.

Maybe thats why he had been so persistent in his pursuit for so long with this one. If she had just rolled over, he would have rutted and discarded her like all the rest. He thought that she had been playing hard to get to begin with, but this was more.

Maybe she just didn't understand

Just then he heard the shouts of "SIT,SIT,SIT,SIT,SIT!!!" echoing through the forest, and the ground trembled under his feet. He smirked, knowing that InuYasha would be picking dirt out of his teeth for the next hour.

He followed the miko's scent past the village and into the forest beyond. As he came through the edge of the tree line he just caught sight of her dropping into an old well. Sitting down to wait, he wondered if maybe she simply enjoyed the solitude of a dark dirty well to his half-brother's company.

The next morning he leaned over the well's edge to see why the miko had not returned but saw no one. Perhaps there is a secret tunnel in the bottom for further hanyou avoidance. His curiosity was piqued. The dog demon jumped down to investigate.

Blue light emanated from the walls and he found himself at the bottom of ... a different smelling well. After checking carefully to make sure that the half-breed escape tunnels were just a figment of his imagination, he leaped gracefully out of the well only to find himself crashing through the door of a small building that did not even exist mere seconds ago.

Claws beginning to drip acid, hand on Tokijin, he prepared himself for any enemies that may be lying in wait for him in this foul smelling place.

He spun when he heard a small noise behind him, only to discover...a small human boy. He glared his best aloof glare at the child while straightening himself.

"Bring Kagome to me immediately" the tall pale Inu barked.

"HUH??" Sota responded. He was always freaked out when bizarre stuff started popping out of his family's ancient well. And this guy was no exception.

"You know the girl Kagome?"

Sota nodded, bugged-eyed.

"Then bring the wench to me."

"Can't. And dude, she would kill you if she heard you call her a wench."

"She has not the power or the skill to harm this Sesshomaru, now bring her to me." he said in his most pompous tone.

"Oh man, your one of InuYasha's friends!" Sota exclaimed.

"Friend," he seethed, "My annoying half-brother and I have never been mistaken for friends. The only reason he still lives is because he still serves my purposes."

"Oh, your that Sesshomaru" Sota says haltingly, "yeah, my sister has told us all about you."

Sesshomaru was intrigued and encouraged at the the thought that she had spoken of him to others.

"What has the miko told you of this Sesshomaru?"

"Uuum," Sota began to fidget, "dude you know how girls are, and my sister is the worst. She spouts off all kinds of crap, and who can tell how much of it is really true or not. I'm starting to think that all that blue light in the well is starting to screw with her brain. Or, maybe its..."

"You will tell me what she has said of me, and then you will bring her to me." Sesshomaru snarled, an impatient growl rising in his throat.

Sota gulped hard, the hair on his neck standing up, while at the same time he urgently felt like he had to take the biggest shit of his life, and it may happen right here.

"She said you were a pompous, arrogant, self-centered prick that was obviously compensating for having a tiny dick, and other than the fact that you could fight better than anyone, including InuYasha, your only redeeming quality is that you are hot enough to be a Chippendale dancer. I can't bring her to you." Sota blurted out all in one monotone breath.

The only thing Sesshomaru understood amongst the pubertal boy's babblings was his inability to bring Kagome to him.

"Explain."

"Well, ya see, sometimes, when a guy has a small wiener, he tries to act like..."

"Why can you not bring her to me?" he asked. He realized that he was growling again when the child seemed to be in abdominal pain, and he began to pick up an unpleasant scent coming from the boy's trousers.

"Field trip" Sota answered. He continued when he saw the slight look of confusion on the demons face. "A field trip is when all the kids in a class go somewhere to see something stupid, instead of just having to read about it in a book."

The boy was clearly deranged as nothing he had said since meeting him had made any sense at all.

"I will wait then." he pronounced imperiously, and crossed his arms across his armor-clad chest.

"What, right here?" Sota yelled, panicked.

The Taiyoukai did not respond but maintained his stony glare. Sota elaborated.

"She's gonna be gone till Friday afternoon, that's day after tomorrow! Believe me, you don't want to stay here. Mom will just try to feed you and ask you all kinds of questions that you probably aren't gonna understand, and grandpa will spend the whole time trying to throw his worthless sutras at you. I don't want to see them dead just yet, soooo, come with me."

Sota turned and walked inside the house. Sesshomaru realized that standing outside for three days was not the brightest idea so he followed the boy. Of course, Sesshomaru gave sufficient pause so the youngster would not think that the Lord of the Western Lands was following his orders. He stepped inside the modest dwelling and followed the boy upstairs and down a hallway and into a small room.

"Dude, your gonna have to stay in here." Sota said. "I can't let you wander around Tokyo killing everyone that looks at you funny. Make yourself at home, I've gotta go to school, I'll be back in a while. Here," he said handing Sesshomaru the TV remote, "Volume up and down, channel up and down, we have satellite, so you have like a million channels to surf.. Oh, and no pay-per-views or pornos. Mom sees all that stuff on the bill, and I don't wanna get grounded again. Gotta go, Stay In Here." The last part he said very seriously.

The demon lord looked at the wand in his hand and up to the glowing box in front of him. What magic is this? He watched, transfixed, as tiny mortals walked around inside the box. He wondered for a moment if these small beings were the ones the child had mentioned earlier with the small wieners, but that was soon forgotten as the tiny ones started chanting "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry."

>----------------------------------->

"Explain." Sesshomaru commanded dryly as the boy flopped down on the bed next to the Inu Lord, bag of Cheetos in one hand, Dr.Pepper in the other.

"Explain what?"

"Why does the coy-o-te not simply strike the annoying bird down?" he wondered aloud.

"Cuz it's a cartoon, dude." the boy replied with a snort, "It's not supposed to be like real life, it's just supposed to be funny. Ya know, like the coyote always comes up with the elaborate plans, but they always backfire on him, and he gets squashed, or falls off a cliff, or blown up, or whatever."

"Then why does he continue, if his strategy and abilities and obviously inferior to the running bird?"

"It's road runner," Sota replied a bit sarcastically, "And I guess he keeps chasing him cuz... the bird keeps running."

"Hn"

Sota noticed that it did not look as if the demon had moved from that spot all day. He realized that it must be quite strange to be introduced to TV all at once. He had been watching it all his life and had never thought to ask some of the questions that the mighty dog had in the last few minutes. It was if Sesshomaru was a child and needed everything explained in the simplest possible terms.

All day at school he had been anxious about what he would find when he got home. Would Sesshomaru just get bored and go home? Or would his mom and grandfather be lying dead at his feet for some unknown insult?

Or would there be a giant white dog demon terrorizing all of Tokyo? And if so, could Godzilla save them again?

The channel changed and a commercial for the newest car that looked exactly like all the other cars in its class flashed across the screen.

Sota then took note that his unblinking youkai guest was just as interested in the commercials as the shows themselves.

"So," he began, licking the bright orange powder from his fingers before plunging his hand back into the bag, "what do you want Kagome for anyway?" The way he remembered her telling it, Sesshomaru had done nothing but attack her and the other shard hunters for one reason or another.

Distracted by the flashing images of leather seats and a built in navigation system, Sesshomaru's normally perfect control over what he said was momentarily broken. "I plan to rut with her, and then take her to be my mate, and soon she will bear my pups."

Dual streams of orange colored Dr.Pepper shot from Sota's nose as he fell off the bed coughing and sputtering.

"What the fuck, man!" Sota choked, incredulous.

No response came from the TaiYoukai. He seemed mesmerized by the prospect that you could get a bucket of original recipe or extra crispy chicken for only $6.99.

"You want to do WHAT with my sister?! Are you HIGH? There is no way in hell that Kagome is ever going..."

The dog cut him off, "She will do what I tell her to do. Cease your yelling or you will find it impossible to speak again."

Sota felt that "Oh Shit" feeling again, and lowered his voice to a respectable level. "Sorry man, I'm just kinda surprised is all. I never would have thought that Kagome would have fallen for a guy like you. I mean, not that you're not kinda cool in that, 'the streets will run red with the blood of my enemies' kind of way.... but, you would think the she would tell us if she was getting married."

"I do not believe that she is aware of it yet. I have had some difficulty in conveying my intentions to her." The Inu replied.

"Well no wonder man, the way you talk and act, it's like you got one of those swords shoved up your ass."

Sesshomaru broke his near comatose like concentration on the antics of Smiling Bob and his strange looking wife who apparently had discovered the joys of "natural male enhancement" with Enzyte.

He had never been on the receiving end of a sword up the ass, but he had been on the giving end. And none of the poor wretches that had received a sword up the ass had spoken or acted nothing like he was now. They generally flailed about screaming until death quickly took them.

"Explain."

Sota rolled his eyes, "Well, you know, girls like to be talked to. They like for guys to tell them their feelings, they want for guys to like the same kinds of things that they do. Ya know, be there for each other and be able to discuss whats going on. They want to be able to relate to each other. I mean, look here, what are you watching?"

Sesshomaru realized for the first time that day that he had no idea what he was watching. He had simply pushed buttons on the wand for the magic box until something that interested him had appeared. Not wanting to sound unintelligent he simply grunted. "Hn"

"Yeah," Sota said, noticing the current program. "This will work fine. Look, this guy is Zach, he is what we call a 'cool guy'. Now, watch what he does. He likes this girl, she's Kelly, god, what a fox. Now, see, he walks over to her locker, and ... just... talks to her. And she talks back, and now they have a date for Friday. Oh good, now look at this, this guy's name is Screech, he's a spaz and yeah, he's funny and silly, and everyone laughs when he is around and falling over, but just watch."

Sesshomaru leaned closer to the screen so he wouldn't miss what was going on, but didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. He turned to the boy, waiting for the explanation of what he had missed.

"Did you see the difference?" Sota beamed like a spiritual master imparting some nugget of wisdom to a lesser disciple. "Who walked away with the girl? The cool guy, or the spaz?

The dog demon's head bobbed in recognition of what the boy was saying.

"See," Sota continued, "And look now, it's Friday, and they are sitting in the diner, sharing a milkshake. And where is Screech? Well, there he is at the table with all his spaz buddies, and are any of them hot girls? Well, of course not, cuz hot girls never go out with a spaz."

Sota paused to regain control of himself. He realized that he had been gesturing wildly, and his voice had been raised a bit in a desire to drive his point home. He remembered who he was talking to, and decided to bring it down a notch. He had to change his pants after his first meeting with the strange person now sitting on his bed, and did not want to have tho change them again this afternoon.

"Did you also notice," he said in a much smaller and contained voice, "that Zach didn't walk up and say, 'I am more powerful than you, so roll over and rut with me. Bear my pups, wench!'"

"Hn."

"The guys that act like that never get the girl, or if they do, it's only until the girl realizes that she can have someone better than him. It's just the way it is now. I can see how it could be a pretty big difference from how things were done 500 years ago."

The realization of the situation started to sink in. He could not tell the ningen what he desired because she was not from his world at all. She was from this world. A world of TV, and cars, luxury time-shares, and lawyers 'that will fight for your rights', and a strange creature that 'lives in a pineapple under the sea'. This was a world that he did not understand at all. It wasn't that she didn't understand him, he couldn't understand her.

"What must I do to learn to be this 'cool guy'?" Sesshomaru asked with an edge of determination in his voice.

"Be like the guys on TV that get the girls." Sota answered sagely. "Just act like the guys that get, and keep, the hot chicks and I think you should be fine. Just remember, whatever you do, don't be a spaz. Don't be that guy."

Sesshomaru thought about the boys words for a moment. It seemed to make sense. The males that had seemed to find contentment with human females had not been 'spazzes'. They had not threatened anyone with certain death if they did not comply with their wishes. They had seemed kind, and interested in what the females wanted and needed.

Sota jumped up from the bed and started for the door, "Want a hot pocket?"

Sesshomaru decided right then that he would do it. He would follow the advise of Sota, the miko's sibling. He would listen to this ningen boy who clearly possessed valuable information about what was required to court women from this era. He would begin his quest to become the 'cool guy', and woo the miko.

"That depends," the demon intoned. He changed the channel with a practiced click. He leveled his icy stare at the youngster.

"Do cool guys like hot pockets?"