Crack Fic #1 by Mistress Sianna

Crack Fic #1

Crack Fic #1 

My first crack fic


…




…



Turn back! Turn back now!!!


…




…



You still here?! This is your final warning!!!



…




…


Okay, THIS is your final, FINAL warning!!! The following story is illogical, poorly written, nonsensical boobery. And since I’m pretty sure that “boobery” is not a real word, I hope its use can help you to appreciate the outright foolishness of the tale ahead. Also do not eat while reading this story as you are likely to loose your lunch.

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or its characters. They are the property of Rumiko Takahashi, and I make no monetary profits from writing this work of fan fiction. Not that I could make any money on this anyway, cause this is pure unadulterated crap!!!

Here we go.
________________________________________________________________________

Once upon a time Inuyasha, Kagome, Miroku, Sango, Shippou and Kirara were sitting in the woods. They had made camp for the night and were sitting around the fire with nothing to do.

“I’m bored.” said Kagome as she lazily jabbed Inuyasha with a pointy stick.

“Keh.” the hanyou replied half heartedly as the miko continued to prod his ribs.

“I‘m bored too.” Sango complained. Glancing over to Miroku she reared back her right hand and slapped him hard across the back of the head. 

SMACK!!

“Well that was fun for about two seconds.” she moaned miserably as the monk began to rub his abused scalp.

“We could always have another…” he began, but was cut off when Kagome said, “I’m going home.”

“Keh! The hell you are wench!” Inuyasha roared snatching her stick and throwing it into the fire.

“Hey!! That was my favorite poking stick!”

“And now it’s firewood!” he jeered licking his tongue at her.

“SIT!” she cried vehemently. The hanyou’s face plummeted to the ground, his chin landing in a large ant hill. Excited to have a new visitor, the tiny creatures eagerly erupted from their home elatedly crawling upon the face of their newest guest.

The rest of the group looked on disinterestedly as the hanyou swore and spit and thrashed against the ground in an effort to remove errant ants from his mouth and escape the rosary’s hold.

Paying him no attention, Kagome gathered up her yellow bag and stomped off into the woods. She tripped over every rock and tree root and even a few blades of grass as she made her way toward the well. 

Plummeting toward the ground once again, due this time to untied shoes, the miko was surprised when a strong pair of arms saved her from meeting the ground.

“Sesshoumaru!” she cried. “What are you doing here?!”

After helping her regain her balance the inu lord stared down on her. “Rin told me she loaned you five dollars. I am here to collect.” He emphasized his point by using his right fist to punch his left hand. 

“She told me I had until Thursday! It’s only Tuesday, I still have two days!”

“Hn.” he reluctantly conceded. 

“Well, if we’re done here…”

“Where are you going anyway?” he asked impatiently. 

“What’s it to ya Whitey??!!”

“Whitey?!” he repeated incredulously. 

“Yeah Whitey!! The hair, the clothes the big furry thingy. Whitey!!!”

The demon lord narrowed his eyes.

Ever defiant, the miko folded her arms against her chest.  

Without warning, the demon lord reached for her. Kagome had no chance to escape as his powerful arms wrapped around her. He placed a big sloppy kiss right on her lips.

“What the…?” she began.

“This Sesshoumaru has always wanted a female who could stand up to him!” he cried happily as he placed another kiss on her cheek.

Just as she returned his embrace, Inuyasha stormed into the clearing, the others not far behind him. “What the hell is going on here??!!” he roared, a few stray ants still dancing happily upon his brow.

“This Sesshoumaru has decided to claim the miko for himself.”

His eyes nearly bugged out of his face, a single ant resting on his eyelashes. “Y-you can’t do that!” he roared, his hand automatically going to Tetsuaiga.

“I most certainly can.” the demon lord intoned as he tightened his embrace on the miko. “Besides, are you not in love with the undead miko?”

“Well yeah.” Inuyasha admitted easily. “I’ve been f**king Kikyou since the day she was brought back from the dead, but I wanted to have two mates just like dad!”

“To hell with that!” shouted Kagome. “I’m not going to be your second mate!”

Seeing that the argument was getting out of hand, Miroku rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Now, now,” he cajoled in his most calming voice. “There is no need to fight. We can always have another orgy to settle our differences.”

The entire group went silent. “I don’t know.” Sango finally spoke up. “I’m still chafing from the last one. I think someone may have given me the Clap*.”

“Don’t worry.” Miroku said pleasantly. “This time it’ll be just between us friends. We won’t invite the neighboring villages or any stray demons this time.”

“Well… okay.” 

And with her agreement, the group began to loosen their clothing. But, before any real flesh could be bared, Naraku appeared in the sky.

“Muhahahahahaha!!!!” he laughed evilly. “It is I, Naraku!” Noticing that they were all in various stages of undress the hanyou asked, “What the hell were you all doing?”

“We were going to have an orgy before you so rudely interrupted.” said Shippou as he rolled his eyes.

The hanyou’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Hmm…” he thought out loud. “You just may have to count me in on that one.” he said as he looked at the slightly exposed cleavage of the two females. “But first, you will surrender your jewel shards.”

“The hell we will!” Inuyasha barked as he brushed the last remaining ant away from his lip. He retied his pants before drawing Tetsuaiga.

Seeing his hopes of a mind blowing orgy going up in smoke, Miroku began quickly thinking of a way to stop them from fighting. “Wait!” he yelled just as Inuyasha and Naraku were about to go to blows. “You both want the jewel to become all demon right? Well perhaps you can combine the shards and then you both can wish on it.

Inuyasha looked at Miroku.

Naraku looked at Inuyasha.

Inuyasha looked at Naraku.

Inuyasha looked at Miroku. 

“That has to be… the BEST idea I have ever heard!” the inu hanyou cried excitedly. “I’m game if you are!” he told Naraku as he collected their shards from Kagome.

“Hells yeah!” said Naraku as he removed his barrier, holding his shard in his right hand. They combined the jewel, and it magically became whole again. Then clasping the jewel so that it was partially in both their hands, the hanyous each gave a quick nod of agreement.

“Ready…? I wish I was a full demon!” the both said at the same time.

The jewel exploded.

Inuyasha went careening to one side of the clearing, and Naraku sailing to the other. When they stood up again, they each had become full-blooded demons. Inuyasha was a full dog demon at last. Strangely, Naraku had become a possum demon, but he was happy just the same. They each ran back across the clearing until they were at the spot where they had made the wish.

Each studied the appearance of the other. “It really worked!” said Inuyasha, his eyes fixed on the demon before him. For a moment they each stood there staring at one another. Then, without warning, Inuyasha reached out. Naraku readily met his movement, and a riveting game of Ring-Around-the-Rosie broke out, only instead of singing the original song they sang. “I’m a real demon, I’m a real demon!!”

“Hey, you wanna go get some ice cream to celebrate?” asked Inuyasha. 

“You know it!” said Naraku. Then the two skipped off hand in had before leaping into the well.

The group watched with varying degrees of shock and astonishment, all except Miroku who was performing a complex mental calculation. ‘A group sex session minus two males equals…’ His eyes began to shine as looked hungrily at Kagome and Sango.

“Well, I’m still up for that orgy if…” 

But the monk was cut off when the demon lord intoned, “This Sesshoumaru is no longer in the mood.” Something about seeing his brother skipping around hand in hand with another male somehow spoiled his mood for group sex. 

Miroku’s eyes widened further. ‘Another male down!!’ He looked at Kagome and Sango, excitement coursing through his body.

“Well, I’m still game.” said Kagome, further fueling the monk’s excitement. 

“No.” Sesshoumaru stopped her before she could pull her shirt over her head. “You will no longer participate in group sex without this Sesshoumaru.”

She shrugged. “Well I guess I’m out.” she waved at the monk flippantly as she and the demon lord walked off into the woods quickly disappearing from sight.

Miroku groaned. Well he still had Sango. He turned to her. “Well…” he began. 

“I’m out too. I don’t want to do it without Kagome. It wouldn‘t even be considered group sex anymore. Shippou‘s to young to…”

“Hey!” the kit protested. “I’m older than all of you! I’m fifty three years old!”

But the slayer was no longer listening. She had turned away and was already heading back to the campsite.

Miroku began to panic. Now what was he going to do??!! Shippou was cute and all but…

“Well, I guess it’s just me and you, Kirara.” he said, but as he looked down, the fire-cat had already made its departure. He groaned again. Then a glimmer of hope came as he recalled that he had a brown paper bag at his disposal.

“Hmm… I wonder what Kaede-sama is doing right now.”
________________________________________________________________________

*shakes head* If you read this story through, I offer you my most sincere apology. I tried to warn you, I really did! This is the first crack fic I have ever written, and I just don’t know what to think of it. I hope, if nothing else, you at least got a chuckle out of it.

*If you don’t know, “Clap” is slang for a sexually transmitted disease.