A Bone to Pick by Tsuki no Tennyo
A Bone to Pick
Author's Note: [originally posted 03.16.15] In which I unapologetically insert as many dog-related puns as I can via Kagome, because what's even better than the puns is the disbelief, annoyance, and utter hatred of those around me. And I just like antagonizing Sesshoumaru, can't you tell?
For those unfamiliar with any of these dog-related idioms and metaphors, please see the endnote on my AO3 or LJ page for the meanings (links in profile).
It had been over nine months since Kagome had found Sesshoumaru again in her own time period. It was a surprise for them both during that first meeting of just casually brushing shoulders while waiting for the bus. She had thought he'd become a recluse, or at the very least, some big shot wealthy business magnate with an expensive car of his own so he could avoid mingling with filthy humans (he wasn't; he was just an office worker in a cubicle).
Sesshoumaru, on the other hand, had figured she'd just dropped dead somewhere since the battle with Naraku so many centuries ago. Possibly death by the common cold, he had thought. Or maybe ran over by a stray bull. Fell into a ditch, maybe. He didn't know and he didn't care.
Since that casual meeting, he had realized Kagome was just as annoying in her time period as she was in his when she made it her mission to bulldoze her way into his life.
She succeeded within the first two weeks.
That second realization also made Sesshoumaru well aware of how much time had softened him.
"Did you order for me yet?"
He looked up from the booth he was sitting in to see Kagome shuffling in, face appearing flushed from rushing to meet him for their weekly lunch date. She squeezed into the seat opposite from him, grateful for the glass of water a waiter brought for her instantly.
"No, I'd just arrived a few minutes earlier myself," Sesshoumaru responded, handing Kagome a menu.
"Oh?" Kagome was surprised by the comment, because usually Sesshoumaru was even earlier since his office was much closer to their favorite bistro than hers. She skimmed through the menu, looking at the salads and then pondering over whether or not she should have soup and a sandwich instead. Without lifting her gaze, she casually asked, "So how is the dog-eat-dog world?"
Sesshoumaru glared, and he knew she knew he was glaring at her.
After three more months of dating, Kagome finally managed to convince Sesshoumaru to let her meet Inuyasha again. He was reluctant at first, of course, but it wasn't because of some old feud between the two (of which he was responsible for mostly), or even because they were as different as night and day. No, he was annoyed that the woman he lived with, the one he had managed to convince himself that he was very fond of, the one who he also enjoyed fucking very much, was extremely excited to see his half-wit half-brother after spending over five hundred years apart.
He had every reason to be paranoid by this happy reunion.
"Oh my gosh, Inuyasha, your ears," Kagome squealed, already starting to tweak the half-demon's now dyed-black ears that, more or less, camouflaged with the rest of his now dyed and shortened hair.
Inuyasha's goofy, relaxed smile did nothing to allay Sesshoumaru's paranoia.
"Oh my god, I can't believe you are actually dating this asshole," Inuyasha responded while Kagome continued tweaking. He didn't realize how much he had grown to miss this. He sighed happily, and then pondered aloud, "You know, if you two have kids, then your kids will probably have ears like these too."
Kagome's face lighted up, and she quickly looked at Sesshoumaru, whose frigid stare shot down whatever idea Inuyasha planted in her head. She glared at him, but continued tweaking Inuyasha's ears, mainly because she knew how much this irritated Sesshoumaru.
"Alright, you've seen him. The mutt hasn't gotten himself killed yet. Let's go."
"Hey! What the hell did I ever do to you?"
"Don't let him get you down, Inuyasha. His bark is worse than his bite now."
"He still has a bit of that alpha mindset."
"If he's too much trouble, I'll put a muzzle on him."
"He'll be in the dog house if he starts becoming unreasonable."
"Are you done?"
"Don't be so dog hearted."
When Kagome arrived home late one day, she found that Sesshoumaru was in an especially sour mood, and after much coaxing to find out the root of the problem that caused her lover to be in such a negative state (more so than usual), she found the only comfort she could offer was this:
"Sometimes you're the dog; sometimes you're the—"
Kagome opened her eyes, yawning and stretched a little in bed. She rolled over to meet the sleepy gaze of her bed partner.
"Morning, sleepy-head," she greeted, hiding a giggle at seeing the once Great Lord Sesshoumaru now afflicted with bed head.
"Good morning," he responded, planting a quick kiss on her lips.
"Ew, dog breath," she giggled.
Sesshoumaru didn't even bother glaring at her this time. He shrugged listlessly, still a little groggy. "And how long have you been sitting on that?"
"Since last night."
Sesshoumaru stared at his laptop monitor, and let out an annoyed sigh. These humans were even more idiotic online than in public. He really should stop going online and reading comments from trolls and just the general ignorant masses. He should, but somewhere along the way to the modern time, his lack of restraint had worsened. Perhaps it was from spending too much time with Inuyasha, the imbecile. (That was his reason, and he was going with it should anyone asked.)
Kagome walked behind him towards the kitchen with stifled giggles. He knew she was up to something, but he wasn't going to let her provoke him. Not. This. Time.
Barely a minute later, she walked behind him again with even more badly suppressed giggles and—based on the scent he picked up—a bowl of strawberries. He could hear her sitting down on the couch behind him, still trying to hide her giggles.
He elected to ignore her, deciding to put all of his focus on this forum post about the history of different swords. As he typed out a response to one particularly intelligent user, he could hear Kagome was now on the verge of keeling over from the explosive laughter that seemed to have overtaken her.
"What?" He whirled his chair around, finally giving in.
Kagome sat up again and wiped a tear from her eye. "On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog."
Sesshoumaru stared at her for a full three minutes before letting out a groan and returning to his earlier task.
They were fooling around in bed one lazy Saturday afternoon. It started with Kagome wanting to roll out of bed early and get dressed to spend this beautiful sunny day out, but Sesshoumaru would rather stay inside, relaxing after working hard all week long.
She whined at him, but the sight of his lover just sitting there pouting in her sheer nightgown wasn't exactly a good reason for him to leave the comfort of his home, much less his bed. He pulled her down, pinning her underneath him, and gave her his own argument of why they should stay in instead.
He gave a very convincing argument, Kagome decided, when she felt his hand slipping under her gown to find its way up to her breast to fondle. The kisses he left along her neck were very good argument as well. The other hand parting her legs was also pretty damn good. She was convinced—nearly convinced.
"Would you like to do it doggie-style?" He breathed the words into her ears, sounding as sly and as much of an asshole as always.
Kagome's face burned up instantly at the suggestion, and she quickly pushed him off of her, not even noticing Sesshoumaru's surprised reaction. She reached over to the nightstand and grabbed his newspaper, quickly rolling it up and tapping Sesshoumaru on top of his head once.