Stella Mira (Chapter 4) - Tue 07 May 2013

Lol You both feel the heat, don't you? Just let it take over!


LoveAndFaith (Chapter 4) - Sun 05 May 2013

Keep it coming.


LoveAndFaith (Chapter 3) - Sun 28 Apr 2013

Keep it coming.


Waffler (Chapter 2) - Sat 27 Apr 2013

Hurrlo! Serr, I can see why people wanted a follow-up to the first chapter, but I do have some things to say, and I did promise to pop your CC cherry. Sho, you might want to strap yourself in for the ride, 'cause hurr we go!

First, you have a really clinical style of writing: there's very little feeling in it. It's extremely to the point, almost so much so that it's "they went here, this happened, they left separately, the end." In some places, it can be really difficult to get an emotional grip on what you're trying to describe. I was also surprised that you were able to put so many things into the first chapter in such a short period of time. The thing that I was most concerned with, however, was the lack of description. Adjectives in particular can make scenes come alive because they plant images in peoples' minds about what they're reading. If someone says something, then that's great and wonderful, but if you mention how that statement or question or exclamation is being said, it can really make scenes. You do use adjectives, but at the minimum level. I'd really like to see you start to use them more.

In addition to that, you write with little feeling: you don't stop to give characters time to develop situations and reflect on them like a person would in real life. I find it helps a lot to develop characters if you can get inside their heads and express certain thoughts or feelings. Like when Sesshoumaru went up to Kagome with the intention of seducing her through dance in the first chapter. The only thing you really mention there is that Kagome has miraculous hips. How are they miraculous? What are they doing that give Sesshoumaru that impression? Why does he think they're miraculous? Are they curing starvation in Africa and promoting world peace? Do they battle potato-launching gnomes on a regular basis? Okay, so, maybe I got a little carried away towards the end, but I think you get the idea: the more information you give here, the easier it is for the reader to get caught up in the story and start to feel like it's alive. Describe Kagome's effect on Sesshoumaru: what she's doing to make him hard, what he's doing to encourage her affections, how he becomes enraptured in her with the million other distractions in the club like the music, the other dancers, the smell of sweat and probably sex coming from everywhere and how hers is the thing that sparks a ravenous lust in himself, how his worries from work just seem to melt away in her presence. If you can carry that line of thought across all of your scenes, it'll make the entire story become alive and be of a higher quality.

Another thing I noticed was that you have difficulty with grammar. There were places where you used the wrong tenses for words, or just certain words in sentences that made it hard to understand the underlying meaning. Similarly, you have really short, clipped sentences that seemed very choppy and hard to read with emotion. If you try to smooth it out a little bit by using commas and other punctuation, it can create a really natural, flowing feel that helps to immerse your characters in your story. I'd suggest a good beta to help you with these issues.

I felt that the ending was a little bit weak, what with Kagome casually sort of brushing him off, and Sesshoumaru not really showing any emotion toward her. The ending was abrupt. I wanted more resolution: not necessarily physical or through the exchange of words, but since it was from Sesshoumaru's perspective, maybe relief at having found her again, or more lust, or the hope for a tomorrow with her or something, anything, to give the story closure.

One thing I thought you did really well was Sesshoumaru's choice of words. He was more bestial than human in the first and second chapter when in the heat of the moment, both sexual and frustration when dealing with Kagura. The characterizations were a tiny bit off, especially with Kagura, I thought, because she seems the type to expect that sort of attitude from Sesshoumaru and not be cowed by it, maybe even indulge in trying to set him off in some cases. Maybe, maybe not. I could be wrong. But kudos on that. I liked it. =)

And can I say: Kagome rolling out of the limo after she had finished with Sesshoumaru? Fabulous. I loved it. What a badass, haha.

Otherwise, it was a really good story! It was something new: I'm glad I read it.

Thanks for the read!

- Waffler

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


LoveAndFaith (Chapter 2) - Fri 26 Apr 2013

Keep it coming.


Mutnodjmet (Chapter 2) - Fri 26 Apr 2013

Wow---starting out with a slam-bam-thank you mam! I like it. Keep it coming.


Stella Mira (Chapter 1) - Mon 22 Apr 2013

Bahahahaha!!! I truly like seeing Kagome acting like a modern woman who knows what she wants and doesn't sumbit to his smexiness easily!! I look forward to the next chappie!


Mz Taisho Sama (Chapter 1) - Mon 22 Apr 2013

... and sesshoamru's face was like O.o WTF just happened???

and I was like LOL....

Loved it....very good start, please update soon!!!


LoveAndFaith (Chapter 1) - Sun 21 Apr 2013

This story sounds interesting, keep it coming.


Thorn_the_Laughing_Willow (Chapter 1) - Sun 21 Apr 2013

I'm very curious as to how you'll progress the plot!


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