I like it overall. Slight correction here, the paragraph after he sliced off her panties; soon she was withering and wriggling underneath him, trying to form his name. Withering; Adjective: Intended to make someone feel mortified or humiliated. Noun: The action of becoming dry and shriveled. The word you want is writhing.
I didn't notice anything else so congrats on only making 1 slight & rather common mistake.
Jenna (Chapter 1) - Sun 07 Aug 2011
If it's really been so long since you've written, I'm throughly impressed! I actually think this was quite good! Are you going to add more or is it a one-shot? Either way-keep it up!
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