Reviews for Deserted Island by lashon

Kachina (Chapter 1) - Fri 19 Jul 2013

Noticed you have a lesbian couple in here. LOVE IT! I already love the story. Yuri and Ayame to be correct. 


sesshys_jaded_samuri (Chapter 5) - Wed 27 Jul 2011

I liked this story to begin with, and I am still reading it, BUT... you keep switching perspectives.

 

The first 4 chapters are from a 3rd person persepctive - ie -  Sesshomaru did this -or- InuYasha said that...but the 5th chapter is partly 1st person - ie - I looked at her -or- I walked into the cave.

Normally, that is not too much of a problem if you let people know that you are changing point of view, BUT, there are a couple of places where you use both 3rd person and 1st person in the same paragraph.

 

example:

    ooo

When Sesshoumaru and I entered the cave with freshly killed boars over our shoulders, we heard the girls scream and then crashing sounds. We threw the boars down and rushed over to the hotsprings (This seems as if it is from InuYasha's POV)

 Miroku was getting the crap beat out of him by a naked Sango. We could see Kagome and Kikyo in profile, shaking their heads sadly at Miroku. Both of them were waist deep in the water.  Apparently, they hadn't noticed Sesshomaru and him yet. I gazed upon Kikyo's body and Inuyasha noticed Sesshomaru's gaze on Kagome. He smirked and pushed Sesshoumaru into the hot springs. Though Sesshoumaru's quick reflexes couldn't stop him from falling, he decided to grab me, too. He fell on Kagome and I fell on Kikyo. (This also appeas to be from InuYasha's POV, but if that is the case, then you switch from 1st person to 3rd person in the 3rd sentence when 'they hadn't notcied Sesshoamru and HIM yet'.)

Sango stopped beating up Miroku and they both turned to look at the hotsprings. When all four of us resurfaced, the girls all yelled for us to leave. Sesshomaru grabbed Miroku and I by our hair and dragged us back to the front of the cave where we camped out. (Here you switch back to InuYasha's POV in the very next paragraph.)

  ooo

_AND_

  ooo

Shortly, after the females left, I decided to leave. The monk and half breed's incessant chatter was driving him crazy and I needed to stretch my legs. Wandering around the island, I memorized my surroundings and sorted through my thoughts.  (This appears to be from Sesshoamru's POV, but you jump from 1st person to 3rd person and back within the first 2 sentences.)

  ooo

 

Please do not think that I am picking on you, or flaming you...I am offering a bit of constructive advice, in hopes that you can make your story easier to enjoy.  If you do not have a beta, you might consider looking for one, as they should be able to help catch those types of things.  There is a section of the forums specifically designed to help connect betas and people looking for them.

http://dokuga.com/forum/11-betas

 


Azumii (Chapter 4) - Sun 17 Jul 2011

I like it so far!  Cannot wait for more updates.  :D 


INUYASHA © Rumiko Takahashi/Shogakukan • Yomiuri TV • Sunrise 2000
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