Writing Defender (Chapter 1) - Thu 14 Apr 2011

I respect that this is your first try with writing/posting a story on the internet, and I commend you for your efforts. 

But this was bad. 

Really REALLY bad. 

First off, it is clear to anyone who knows anything about poker you have never played as there is no such thing as 'the best cards'.  There is however the card you NEED at that particular point in time.    I suggest you do some research into the game of poker and find out what I am talking about. 

Next, your style of prose is really obvious.  For a oneshot you have a pretty good set up, but your delivery is faaaaar tooo blunt.  I recommend in the future try to write more.  Try to string out your sentences, dont come out and bluntly say things like 

'Afterward, he noticed her scent had changed, she was pregnant!' 

There needs to be more description, a little mystery and maybe even some backstory.   

Also, you need to consider the personailities of the characters you are writing about.  Consider what is typical for that character and how THAT CHARACTER would react to each situation, then write. 

This same story, with 10 times the length, more description and a little research would greatly improve overall!

Good luck!  

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