Fluffy Lady (Chapter 1) - Thu 03 Feb 2011

This is really interesting. Fairly well written, with only a couple of mistakes that I caught. The biggest one that bothered me was the misspelling of the word "choke." When someone is choking, they aren't chocking. A "chock" is a wedge or block of wood or metal used to fill in a space. The other was when Kagome was being pushed in the closet. Being pushed "in too" is okay but when read in the mind, it causes readers to go back and reread that statement. Normally, when you're pushing something/someone into a space that another person already occupies, you'd say "pushed in as well" or "also pushed in". When you make your reader reread a sentence to get the right meaning, they lose track of where they are and often lose the mental picture being painted in their heads.

Since you have so much flashback in this first chapter, a better (and less confusing way) to write that would be to have all the back story (or as much as you're giving right now) laid out first, then skip to the present. That way, you aren't rewinding from the beginning only to jump back forward again. Just a few tips from my Creative Fiction prof. ^.^

Good first chapter, tho! Looking forward to more. ;)

FL


Anna (Chapter 1) - Thu 03 Feb 2011
Omg I love it! This fanfic is amazing. Can't wait for the up comming chapters, hope you update soon =D

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