This is a great start! I know this is your first piece so if you're looking for pointers Pyreite wrote an awesome forum post with a lot of helpful hints. You can find it here http://www.dokuga.com/forum/34-authors-tools/57496-helpful-writing-tips-and-tricks#57496. Keep up the good work, the more you write the more you'll start to get the hang of it. Thanks for the read!

-Love

This was an okay start, I'd suggest not using as much dialogue as you did, or at least if you do-use more description in your writing add feeling into the actions and thoughts of the characters-it's okay to be wordy. Right now, this chapter felt more like a summary, than an actual chapter. As I stated before, it seems interesting and like a lot can come from this story, it has great potetial. Just some friendly advice C: