This is a great start! I know this is your first piece so if you're looking for pointers Pyreite wrote an awesome forum post with a lot of helpful hints. You can find it here http://www.dokuga.com/forum/34-authors-tools/57496-helpful-writing-tips-and-tricks#57496. Keep up the good work, the more you write the more you'll start to get the hang of it. Thanks for the read!
This was an okay start, I'd suggest not using as much dialogue as you did, or at least if you do-use more description in your writing add feeling into the actions and thoughts of the characters-it's okay to be wordy. Right now, this chapter felt more like a summary, than an actual chapter. As I stated before, it seems interesting and like a lot can come from this story, it has great potetial. Just some friendly advice C:
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