This was definately an interesting start, and I'm hoping Rin pulls through ok....needless to say I'm eager to see what happens next :D Keep up the good work!

Very interesting beginning to this story and I would love to see where you take it.  A few tips though to help you on your way, your scene changer [B.R.E.A.K] is far too distracting to your readers.  It interupts your story's flow and does more damage than good.  Try something a little less eye catching like ~~~~~ or ***** for scene changers if you really need them.  Or even just adding a couple of extra returns in between the paragraphs could work.

And having your dialog shown by — ...Now in the beginning, where it's Rin overhearing them talk as she's coming around, I like it.  It's a neat way of showing that the person hearing things isn't quite getting it all, rather than having sentences 'l..k lik. th.s', look like this.  But at the same time, all of your dialog shouldn't be shown like that.  Use "'s for the regluar dialog and I think your story will flow a lot better.

Wow, good start.  I can't wait to see what happened to Rin.  I loked the start up, it was good backround but not too much.  Just enough to peak curiosity.  I hope to read the next chapter soon.

This story definately catches your attention right from the start. Its got a lot of potential, already and that just from the prologue. You have a lovely way with words - the way you write flows well and has a 'mature' thought process to it. I would watch run on sentances, and comma usage.

This storyline was interesting, and I liked seeing a professional Kagome who doesn't fall to pieces at the first bit of stress. However, the way you used dashes to mark of speech, like -Hi there!- was slightly confusing. I would suggest changig to the standard quotation marks, such as "Hi there!", as using the dashes makes it seem a bit like a flashback, mind-speech or out-of-body experience. There were also a few words that were misused, and a couple of sentences were either missing words or just confusingly laid-out. Rewriting these might make your fic clearer and easier to follow. All in all a very good effort, especially for someone writing in a foreign language! However, asking someone with English as their native language to read over it and ensure everything is perfect could help improve it. There's an entire thread i the forum to help people find beta-readers, and it could really help! Good luck with the re-write, and I would like to find out what happens next!